Deja - Thanks for stopping by and the words of encouragement and validation. We came to these boards about the same time. I appreciate your support.
OwnIt - The fact that H has started another month still living with OW weighs heavy on my mind. It shouldn't, but it does. As we all know, actions speak a lot louder than words. Thanks for weighing in.
DnJ - Thanks for the reminder to keep my expectations to zero. Since my last visit with H, its been really tough to do that. I want him to act NOW! I am trying to regroup and get on with life. I'm doing a pretty good job of it. These little bumps in life don't seem like mountains any more.
Gerda - I love your planting and reaping analogy. I truly believe that whatever my harvest is, it's going to be glorious!
*******************
Today H drove 2 hours to spend time with S22. I think that is the first time in the 5 years S22 has been at school that H did that on his own without me telling him it was his turn to make the drive to help the kids with something.
Remember that mutual friend H reached out to several months ago? It's been quite a while since he touched base with her, but he did this week. Said he wanted "somebody" [me, I'm sure] to just "fix things" [like the old me did]. She told him that only he can fix it, and it might take years. He said "I know".
So there is something happening within H I believe. He will need to dig deep for the strength to see it through. Marathon, not a sprint. Right?
Tomorrow I meet with H again. Last week we said we would to discuss whatever legal stuff I think I need. I will talk about the basics of the post-nup. I am just going to let events unfold for the most part, and try very, very hard not to ask what he's doing to "extricate himself" from his current sitch. My perpetual prayer is to listen and speak only as God directs me.
Grace, look up every Bible reference to being silent or holding your tongue before you go so you will be strong! I think you asking him about extricating is the worst thing you can do, so battle that temptation with every sword you've got! It makes the end of their relationship about your desire for it instead of his choice to end it. You don't want that relationship to end because you wanted it to but because HE wanted it to. That's the stronger foundation. And remember that it might take a while. Don't rush it if you want it to be permanent! Enjoy your solitude for now, just be the farmer planting seeds. Did you ever read your kids the Arnold Lobel story about the seeds with Frog and Toad? Read that one again too!
Here's a psalm verse you can pray the whole time you are with him since it's so short --
Psalm 141:3 -- Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.
I also meditate on Christ being silent whenever I am tempted to explain myself. It's amazing how it would never occur to me now to explain myself to H. In the old days, I wrote letter after letter. So sad to think of that old me and how little I understood about H and about what lay ahead.
Anyway, it's clear that something is happening with your H. But I would put in your mind that it's going to take two years or some other date that seems forever away so that you can keep your expectations at zero now. You can reassess when you get to that future date, if things aren't clear by then.
XO
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda - Thanks for the wise advise, and reminder that I need to be very patient as IF H comes out of the fog for good, it will take quite a while.
DnJ – Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the kind words.
Valentine’s Day. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Not in a wistful way. But how it’s over-rated. Love should be shown every day to those we love, co-workers, and strangers, and yes, even the person in the car that cut you off on the way to work today. A lot of my devotionals lately (not surprisingly), have focused on God’s most important commandment. Love one another as He loves us. I’ve been trying to do this. Of course, I don’t always succeed (as I found myself gossiping about someone at work today), but I try. And I am going to try harder.
It takes a lot less energy to love than hate, doesn’t it? A lot fewer muscles to smile than frown.
But, I won’t lie. I had fantasies of H sending me flowers to my work today.
I wasn’t disappointed when they didn’t arrive, however.
But, what joy I had when I got home from work early and my D20 surprised me with a bouquet! It brought tears to my eyes. I feel sorry that H doesn’t get to experience that kind of pure love from her.
I am cooking dinner tonight for 2 friends and D20: filet mignon on the grill (rare), served with sautéed onions and wild mushrooms (lots of butter), mixed greens salad, roasted baby potatoes, and sourdough French bread. My friend is bringing a Cabernet to go with it. Knowing here, it will be spectacular. Nothing better than sharing Valentine’s Day with people that care about you, and that I care about.
I have a meeting with my attorney this week to talk about the document I will need to accomplish the protections I want. I’ve been thinking about my decision not to file for D at this time.
At my meeting with H last Sunday, I asked him some very pointed questions. About things he said in e-mails to me, about why he doesn’t want a D. It was a good meeting. But, right now I don’t think he has the courage to change his living situation. He fears what OW will do too much. She apparently has mentioned suicide, has health issues, knows a lot about him where she could make his life very difficult. Embarrassing (his worst fear, I think). The excuses are many.
But, he shared such very profound, enlightening things he realized about himself. Something is definitely happening.
I have had lots of thoughts about whether I want to stay married to this man. I don’t feel much for him at the moment.
I’ve got a daughter that is very mentally fragile, and has to find a new therapist, and see a new psychiatrist (for med management). She needs my full attention. So, no matter the reasons, the D will be on hold for now.
I am living my life.
I am looking at doing a bit of kitchen remodeling. Not huge, just new countertops and refinished cabinets. I want to move more towards living my life as if I’m single (not looking to date, though), and that includes spending my money as I feel like it without worrying if it will affect H. H will join my journey at some point or he won’t. A few weeks back, I took out an ornamental tree, and will do a bit of landscaping. I even dug out the root ball, and had to use a cart to haul it away it was so heavy. I hand-sawed the tree into enough fire wood for a few campfires on my next camping trip. So satisfying to see what I can accomplish! (I’ve always been a do-it-yourselfer, and have installed toilets, garbage disposals, tiled, and even a bit of electrical work.)
I am planning a trip in March to see my parents (with D20). S22 graduates from college May 1. My parents, brother and sister, with spouses, will come to celebrate. H will be joining us, I guess. I just told my parents to be polite. That’s all I demand. Politeness. Another trip in May with a girlfriend, and somewhere in there a childhood friend is coming for a visit.
Life if full. Friends are many. And family is supportive.
This Valentine’s Day, I am celebrating the love of my family and friends.
And that includes my friends here.
I am writing this on my back patiom which faces a preserve. The birds are swooping in, making all kind of noise, and jockeying for position with the squirrels to get to the best morsels at the feeders. Last week a bobcat was casually wandering around in my back woods.
Tomorrow I have a phone conference with my attorney about the post-nup vs. marriage settlement agreement. I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I am postponing what I believe (at least at the moment), the inevitable.
I'm doubting H's desire to really make any significant changes.
I wonder about his desire to not D at this time being completly self-serving (perhaps likely), and isn't related to his potential desire to reconcile at all.
I feel like he is trying to keep me as plan B. But, my GAL, and refusal to let him move back home should have told him I'm not, right? So then, why do I feel like I am setting my own self up to be plan B. Just a nagging feeling that won't go away.
I am doubting the possibility of ever being able to trust H enough to even begin reconciliation. Why, then, would I want to post-pone D?
***Sigh*** Perhaps all questions many of us here go through the process of finding answers to.
Maybe my sitch is a bit different because H isn't the one who wants to file for D.
H has been out of the house 1 yr, 4 1/2 months. That seems like a long time.
I often feel like I am getting closer to 100% certainty I want a D. But I can't bring myself to do it (yet).
If you aren't sure that you are ready to go through with the divorce, then don't do it at the moment. You've got plenty of time and who knows....anything can happen between now the date the divorce is finalized. Maybe you are holding out a bit of hope that he'll wake up and realize what he is going to lose.
You will know when the time is right to file. It may not be today, tomorrow or next month...but you will know when to pull the trigger on the paperwork for sure.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Grace, are you doubting his desire to make change or his ability to make it? It seems he has a desire, but may not have the strength.
Keep reading that TMAK thread. You are at a point with his lovey dovey words where you have expectations and are growing impatient with how long he is taking.
Maybe the answer is to forget about him and look deep within yourself. What do you want for you?
...but you will know when to pull the trigger on the paperwork for sure.
At the moment this seems hard to believe I will ever be that sure. But I'll take your word for it!
Originally Posted by OwnIt
Grace, are you doubting his desire to make change or his ability to make it? It seems he has a desire, but may not have the strength.
I think it's his ability. I really don’t think he has it in him for the long haul. He is going to have to break life long patterns. But, apparently his T is doing CBT with him, so I think this is good. But doubting his ability goes totally against my beliefs that I should trust God completely. If I did trust God completely, I shouldn’t have one worry or concern about this. That’s a bit troubling to me.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
Keep reading that TMAK thread. You are at a point with his lovey dovey words where you have expectations and are growing impatient with how long he is taking.
Yep. That’s me. Impatient. Expectations? Probably. Yes, most certainly they creep in.
OwnIt - Could you direct me to the TMAK thread? A refresher would be good for me.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
Maybe the answer is to forget about him and look deep within yourself. What do you want for you?
I want to forget about him, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. Wondering about him. I’m holding on for a reason. Maybe I need to discover what that reason is. It would be freeing, I think.
More to consider. But, I want to focus on the task at hand. My meeting with my attorney tomorrow, and legalizing a financial agreement.
Perhaps that will be the first step to a bit more freedom from my focus on H.
If you’re not completely sure that you want a divorce then don’t push it forward.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I am postponing what I believe (at least at the moment), the inevitable.
Love that you see that you can alter a belief.
The feelings/belief in the inevitability of divorce due to doubts about H, and doubts about yourself - it can be changed. Reason and influence.
Your faith in H, or lack of, is not a reason to divorce. Do not base decisions on feelings or something someone might or might not do.
The doubts of ever trusting H again. Of course there are doubts. However, the future is unknown. Look at how far H as actually come from 1 year 4 1/2 months ago. I know it’s not as far as you want. Still, there has been progress, no doubt. Trust can be rebuilt.
I get it, H has conversed, shared some deep things. Is in a terrible relationship, is afraid of OW, and it is all getting ready to implode. Expectations, set them at zero.
Do you need a divorce? Protection? Security? You’ve told me before nothing would really change in your life with that piece of paper. Is it more attempting to force H along his path?
If you want to alter your belief in the inevitable, find reasons, Grace’s reasons. Focus on you, not H. Get back to living your life. Leave H to his path and his work.
Desires without a timeline attached = hope. Desires with a timeline = expectations. Unmet expectations = resentment.
Are you feeling a bit hopeless as of late? Expectations will do that. Will kill hope.
I think your expectations are rising. Place them back in the realm of hopes.
Life is good.
You’ve got time.
You’ve got hope.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
