What a gift you’ve received. Confirmation of the state of his life and his poor choices.
You handled yourself excellently. Good questions, compassion, listening, and guidance with next to no pressure.
His confusion is so evident. Your blunt question of his desire for divorce highlighted it.
His admission of the lacklustre life with OW, so much shows how these relationships are built upon sand. The fantasy cannot survive; as time goes on more and more energy and effort is required by the MLCer to maintain it.
The future is unknown, and it can remain unknown and be revealed in its own time.
For right now, you’ve got a Christmas cookie exchange party to get ready for.
Man, I could go for a cookie.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Can't wait for the 26th! Just thinking about that tonight.
D10 and I had a long long talk about her feelings about H. She wants to tell him how she feels. I listened, trained by you and others here on how to do that and remembering you listening to your daughter.Told my D10 about it a little -- she asked if we could meet DnJ and I told her that actually I was meeting someone from "my group" in real life. She was disappointed she wasn't invited! : )
Last edited by Gerda; 12/15/1904:22 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Please be careful in sharing things concerning this forum w/your children. Your daughter may be quite chatty around your h and the next thing you know, he will be looking online for the name(s) she's dropping. I don't think you want him or the ow to go looking around the net and discovering your threads and then printing them off and using them against you.
Trust me, this has happened to other posters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I realized it’s been 2 weeks since I posted more than a few words. I guess life is just moving along, and that is a good thing.
As I write this, I’m in a quiet corner, looking at the glowing Christmas tree and candle lit room. D20 is working on a puzzle nearby, and S22 is gaming with a friend. It’s nice having the kids home. Have to admit, though, it’s an adjustment. I realize my life is full of activity and friendships, and now I have to make sure I get family time in. I guess it’s not a bad problem to have.
My best friend lives right around the corner. I love our impromptu get togethers – wandering over to each other’s home. She includes me in almost all her family get-togethers. She is Vietnamese, and her mom cooks, and cooks, and cooks. I reap the rewards of her labor of love.
Friends call to see how I’m doing, or vent, or ask for advice. Relationships. That’s what life is all about.
I haven’t seen H since our meeting 3 weeks ago. After a few exchanges directly after the meeting, all is quiet. He was going to deliver gifts for the kids to my office tomorrow, but just messaged me that he will give them to S22. S22 asked to meet him for lunch. I just messaged “K”. H is probably relieved he doesn’t need to see me. His posts on FB are ominous. Strange. It’s amazing that a few people actually click “Like”. His most recent post… “rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will”. I wonder what lessons he is learning, and whether he believes he’s hit rock bottom.
Not for me to worry about.
I know some of you will say “block him”. Not quite there yet. His posts don’t seem to bother me much. I’ll get there some day, I suppose.
D20 has moved back home for now, and will take on-line classes. She needs her mom now, and that’s o.k. She has a lot to work out. I went to a therapy session with her a few weeks ago. She has a lot of anger, mostly towards her dad, but at me too, from how she perceived our expectations of her while growing up. We have decided we could use some sessions with a therapist that specializes in families and maybe divorce. We both want to better our relationship and communication. I think it’s pretty good now, but we need to resolve some of her past hurts. I don’t see any way she will be able to begin the repair with her dad without a therapist. But, that is somewhere in the future.
Several days ago I dreamed about H for the first time that I can remember since he moved out. It was a long dream, but I only remember one bit – we were facing each other, working on a project/task of some sort, and we looked at each other. He gave me a light kiss on the lips, then we went back to our task. I haven’t thought too much about it except in a fleeting way. I liked how the kiss felt in the dream, though. It was just sweet.
I received what I believe is the last piece of info to complete the draft of the marriage settlement agreement. I gave it to my attorney with a few questions, but I don’t think I will do anything with it until after January 1. I’m not heartless, after all, and I think it’s very likely H is having a rough time this week.
Christmas Eve will be just me and the kids – church, a cold buffet supper, and Christmas movies. Sunday we will exchange gifts, and my GF from around the corner will join up for a meal. Another friend plans to come over for some Christmas cheer at some point in the afternoon. Thursday we leave on our much anticipated trip.
My life if full. I’ve come a long way this year, and I am blessed with so much.
Life is good.
Last edited by job; 12/27/1907:21 PM. Reason: Removed meet up message
Many times I have read here that MCLrs revert to a very juvenile mentality. I saw evidence of that yesterday. H made me so mad! I’m working real hard today to let go and not let the negativity infiltrate my joyful Christmas with the kids. It has helped today getting ready for this evening and tomorrow. But I also felt I needed to vent a bit here, too.
So, I previously reported that D20 wasn’t sure she wanted to receive gifts from H. He had asked for a list, and she did not provide one (not to me either, BTW). So, a few weeks ago, H said that he thought she would feel bad if S22 got extra gifts and she didn’t, so he decided to get her a generous gift card. I suggested a place that she could use towards a product she is saving for that is rather pricey.
S22 met H for lunch yesterday, and he came home with the gifts (not yet opened). Me and the kids were chatting about it, and D20 asked whether I told H she wasn’t sure she wanted gifts from him. We discussed it a bit, and I basically said that he just probably felt like he wanted to extend that olive branch. I told her whether she accepts it or not is totally up to her.
Later yesterday, I received a text message from H
H: “Our daughter is refusing my card and gift really? I’m done trying with her. Done.”
Me: “That’s the first I’ve heard of that. Did she say that”? H: “S22 told me.”
Me: “Well, he shouldn’t have said that. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If she did refuse it that would be for her to say. And even if she did for you to say you are done with her completely done is really really awful. I can’t believe that you would just toss her away like that. She’s the child, you are the father.”
Me: (several hours later). “Nothing else to say about this?” (I know, I know. But I couldn’t help myself. And I’m really strong now, so I really don’t care how it affects H).
H: (at 4:30 a.m.! I guess he couldn’t sleep. Good!) “ First of all she’s an adult not a child. I didn’t say I was throwing her away. I’m simply done at this point reaching out. I’m tired of having my nose punched by her. After all that I’ve done for her to continue to do this is how I’m being treated. She knows where to find me when she’s ready to have an adult relationship again.”
Well, that is really something, isn’t it? What a self-centered idiot.
It’s too much to include here, but I felt I needed to respond. I am at a place now where I (almost) don’t care how my responses affect him. I used to. I’m paraphrasing:
I said that he obviously didn’t understand her at all, that her feelings are very complicated and she is very fragile, and that her hurts are not just about current circumstances but that lots of old wounds have burst open. I told him his knee-jerk reaction to something S22 sent him was petty and un-called for IMO. And asked him what he’s done for her.
I shared with him something D20 shared with me yesterday. I did not break D20’s confidence by sharing is all, but a small part in general terms. That she understands that he has a lot of his own hurts, and she wants him to get help to heal those hurts. (I didn't say this, but basically she means that for her to start the process with him, he would have to start the process on himself, first.) I shared that D20 and I are having our own tough time in certain aspects, and we are going to therapy after the New Year to work it out. Perhaps he could consider it also.
His little hissy fit is so juvenile. He wants to do absolutely nothing to have a better relationship with D20. Does he really think it will just happen? It’s almost like he’s trying to just go back to the way things were with the kids. S22 may be o.k. with that, because as an Aspie, his emotional IQ is not exactly high. So, a very basic, superficial relationship with his dad is probably o.k. Not so with D20. She’s very afraid of turning out like her dad, is angry that she feels she inherited depression from him, and in no way wants to go back to the old relationship. Just like H and me, she would demand a brand new relationship.
But, that takes will, ability, and work, doesn’t it?
H has none of those qualities at the moment.
I sure hope he was serious about seeking a therapist.
For not only his sake, but for the sake of D20.
Anyway, in spite of it all, I feel blessed. The house is decorated to the max. A great cold-buffet supper will be waiting for us after services along with some Christmas movies and maybe even a glass of wine or 2 for me, and tomorrow a great meal with the kids and I also invited my next-door BF. Filet Mignon (rare for me) on the grill, sautéed wild mushrooms, garlic sautéed spinach, fresh baked bread, and my friend is bringing the desert – pumpkin roll.
The meal will be spectacular.
The company even better.
Then the much anticipated trip on Thursday.
Life truly is good.
Merry Christmas, my friends. I wish for you all Peace, Hope, and Joy.
Wow the house sounds fantastic and so does that meal!
Our MLCers are very juvenile in their attitudes and demands. Yes, they think feel it is perfectly right to blame the kid.
Your H’s tirade and being done until D20 learns how to behave like an adult, blah blah blah. Yep, my XW said this same stuff about our kids and to our kids. It’s pure projection. And of course our MLCer cannot be wrong. They destroy so much for their chance at happiness, and everyone is suppose to be going along with it.
You, D20, and S22 are doing fine. I know you know that. But it is nice to hear it.
Enjoy the Christmas actives and time with the family. All my best.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Last edited by job; 12/26/1912:15 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
