If she does file first...should I drag it out and play for time and hope to get her to reconsider? Time is money they say. Does the person filing first have an advantage? I'm just considering my options.
I went through and continue the same dilemma. I asked W for time to process what was happening, when I showed I was ready, she is now asking for time.
I met with a L to determine legally why W may not be eager to file. The L did say the longer the wait, the higher the amount of and or duration of alimony is in my state. As far as filing first, the L advised it is easier to file first rather be on the defense. Defending could cost more.
In the end, the pro's are all financial. If the D could be prevent, thats even better financially.
Dragging it out if she does file will cost you more financially. My take...dragging out the D would anger her. Better chance would be to go with the flow, dont resist. It doesnt mean you agree. Also if any terms impact you, by all means battle away.
i completely understand you regarding alimony. WW is looking for a better job so this works in my favor as we've been married over 10 years. The differential is less.
Hey, Doc... Did you move back into the MBR yet?...
I'm going to ask this again, because it's important. I'm going to assume the answer is no, you haven't. I get the feeling that you're scared to do so. I also get the feeling that you "baby" your W and do everything for her. Neither of these things are attractive characteristics. I hate to be so blunt, but you better get ready for the D. Until you take back the MBR and stop catering to her every need, you're doomed. You have got nothing to lose! Don't look back someday wondering if you would still be married if you would have done these things...
I'll answer your question first mtb1981.
It's not as simple as you make it out to be. I felt so uncomfortable after she cheated that I moved to the other bedroom.
I didn't know anything about divorce busting and this forum.
I did research on in-house separation agreements and it was said that both of us should have separate living quarters, buy our own food, wash our own clothes. Well I did the first one but she cooks for the whole family and I do the laundry as I always have done.
I don't baby her anymore believe me. I did use to sometimes. I haven't completely ruled out taking back the MBR but then I would be breaking the agreement.
This is excuses and a non-answer. Regardless of everything you just said, the right thing to do would be to move back into to MBR and since she is in an active affair, move her OUT of the MBR. If you don't want to or don't have the moxy to do that, regardless of the reasons, then I think we know why this occurred in your marriage. Commanding respect is what a H should do. Once the W has lost respect for her H she is on the path to waywardness. Read sandi's writings here, she explains it in great detail.
Taking back the MBR, because she is the one leaving the marriage, is the right thing. Taking back the MBR also commands her respect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Drh, one of the best things I did in my sitch was to consult with an attorney. Information is power. Most D attorneys do a free consultation. Schedule one and get the information you need on all of this.
As others have said, despite what some attorneys will tell you, there is no advantage to being the one to file. Attorneys will tell you this to get you to pay them. My main point in the quote you quoted was to let you know that most WWs want you to do all the work. Unless you are ready to D I advise not lifting a finger (including filing). Don't drag it out, but don't help it along either.
Example:
WW emails: "I need, X, Y, and Z documents for the divorce." Drh2001 emails back: "Okay, I understand you need those documents, however I am extremely busy and unable to locate those documents for you. They should be in our files in the home office, feel free to take whatever documents you may need."
Note, you didn't drag anything out. But you didn't lift a finger to find the documents yourself. And the best part? You are making her do all of the work!
Steve, thanks for this info. A lot to consider. I'm def not ready to file for D but I will get a consult.
If she files I won't be doing the work but I will be doing what you suggested.
Hey, Doc... Did you move back into the MBR yet?...
I'm going to ask this again, because it's important. I'm going to assume the answer is no, you haven't. I get the feeling that you're scared to do so. I also get the feeling that you "baby" your W and do everything for her. Neither of these things are attractive characteristics. I hate to be so blunt, but you better get ready for the D. Until you take back the MBR and stop catering to her every need, you're doomed. You have got nothing to lose! Don't look back someday wondering if you would still be married if you would have done these things...
I'll answer your question first mtb1981.
It's not as simple as you make it out to be. I felt so uncomfortable after she cheated that I moved to the other bedroom.
I didn't know anything about divorce busting and this forum.
I did research on in-house separation agreements and it was said that both of us should have separate living quarters, buy our own food, wash our own clothes. Well I did the first one but she cooks for the whole family and I do the laundry as I always have done.
I don't baby her anymore believe me. I did use to sometimes. I haven't completely ruled out taking back the MBR but then I would be breaking the agreement.
This is excuses and a non-answer. Regardless of everything you just said, the right thing to do would be to move back into to MBR and since she is in an active affair, move her OUT of the MBR. If you don't want to or don't have the moxy to do that, regardless of the reasons, then I think we know why this occurred in your marriage. Commanding respect is what a H should do. Once the W has lost respect for her H she is on the path to waywardness. Read sandi's writings here, she explains it in great detail.
Taking back the MBR, because she is the one leaving the marriage, is the right thing. Taking back the MBR also commands her respect.
A 2*4 to the head and I accept that. The agreement is signed and notarized. In my state there is no legal separation but if I break the agreement I could be causing more trouble for myself.
I'm being as honest as I can be about this. I'm not saying I won't take back the MBR but this is the situation right now. Doesn't mean it won't change.
Steve85 is dead-on, here. So what if you made an "Agreement"? Is this a legally binding contract? Did a lawyer prepare it? C'mon man! You weren't in your right mind and, Oh by the way, you're a different person, now (I hope... or soon to be one). SHE. IS. SHTUPPING. ANOTHER. MAN! In alot of states that is grounds for all sorts of bad things to come her way if she decides to press the issue in divorce court.
If I can backtrack and recover from telling my WW I "freed her from her wedding vows" (ouch, yes... I really did that in the very early post-BD stages), then you can sure as hell backtrack from "agreeing" to move out of the MBR.
She's having an A with another man! How much worse can things get?!?
ARRRRGGGHH!
Last edited by hoosjim; 02/04/2008:56 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Steve85 is dead-on, here. So what if you made an "Agreement"? You weren't in your right mind and, Oh by the way, you're a different person, now (I hope... or soon to be one).
If I can backtrack and recover from telling my WW I "freed her from her wedding vows" (ouch, yes... I really did that in the very early post-BD stages), then you can sure as hell backtrack from "agreeing" to move out of the MBR.
She's having an A with another man! How much worse can things get?!?
See my previous reply to Steve. I busted the first affair and she hasn't seen him again. I believe she is seeing someone else but I can't prove it.
"Commanding respect is what a H should do. Once the W has lost respect for her H she is on the path to waywardness. Read sandi's writings here, she explains it in great detail."
I look back over the last few years and I see the "unique" signs of disrespect that Sandi mentioned. The way she would respond to me if I wanted to ask her something or talk to her. She didn't even make eye contact.
It was something like "I'm reading," "I'm busy", "I'm watching my show" without even looking at me. Very dismissive.
I wanted to add that I really have been trying to follow the advice here on not pursuing or pleading or begging her to change her mind.
I do want to save the marriage.
I limit contact to only necessary emails about the kids and finances. I don't include her in any family activities. I don't stay in the same room as her.
Sometimes she'll make conversation and I'll listen and reply in few words. I've limited my presence around her. I don't sense as much hostility from her as I did during the first few weeks.
I'm also GAL and doing 180s.
It takes a toll on me and I'm tired all the time. I sleep in my car during lunch breaks.
I want to go to the gym and get my energy back.
I need to work on validating and detaching as I haven't really started this yet.
D, you're on page 12 now, time for a new thread. Post a link to the new one as your last post in this one, and post a link to this one in your first post in the new one. It's helpful to provide a brief summary in the first post in the new one as well. Name it something like "WW dropped S bomb- part 2".
Regarding the MBR, like the others I'm a big proponent of never leaving it in the first place. But once you're out it can cause a real poopstorm if you move back in. It may help in planting some seeds of respect, but she's not going to like it and may really hate it. Especially if you have some kind of written agreement in place. The advice we offer here is just that- advice. It's up to you whether to follow it or not. I think some things like GAL and Sandi's rules are absolute musts, but other things you have to consider the negative impact it may have on your sitch.
Quote
I need to work on validating and detaching as I haven't really started this yet.
Detachment takes time, it's a byproduct of things like GAL. Validating is something you can start right away and should absolutely work on!
Last edited by Cadet; 02/05/2002:40 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
