I have been married 18 years and have two daughters. It's never been a happy marriage and I do take ownership for my role in contributing to the downfall of the marriage. None of us got marriage counseling and we should have done. Instead my wife allowed resentment, bitterness and disrespect to build up in her over the years,.
She recently connected with a friend who is also in an unhappy marriage and cheating on her husband. This friend of hers encouraged her to ask me for an open marriage and I refused. I moved out of the MBR and into the spare room once she dropped the bomb.
I since found out she cheated on me a few weeks after the BD. I confronted her with the evidence and it's undeniable. I have successfully stopped this affair but it doesn't mean she won't try again as she told me she wants to start dating next year. My kids know about the separation but not the affair.
We both own the house and she has offered to buy me out. She fits the typical WW mindset. Some of what she has said to me is outrageous. We currently have an in-house separation and after some initial fights we get on reasonably well.
She told me she considers herself a "single woman" and that she intends to date other men. This is someone who once had good values and morals.
I have been following Sandi's list and trying to do a 180. I do love my wife and I do want to reconcile but WW does not want any of it.
Some of the things she has said to me over the last few weeks:
"What if my future partner offers to buy you out?" "How can I move on if you're still living here?"
I told her I eventually want 50/50 child custody and she says it should be weeks for her and weekends for me as I would have "more contact hours." - I said that is not 50/50 - more like 78/22.
I told her I wanted to buy a 3 bedroom house once she buys me out and she said "why do you need 3 bedrooms? Why can't the kids have bunk beds and share a bedroom?" - I was like WTF - what right do you have to tell me how many bedrooms I should have,
So that's my situation so far - I have since stopped doing anything I usually do for her and have kept contact to emails only.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have been married 18 years and have two daughters. It's never been a happy marriage and I do take ownership for my role in contributing to the downfall of the marriage. None of us got marriage counseling and we should have done. Instead my wife allowed resentment, bitterness and disrespect to build up in her over the years,.
Hi Drh,
Welcome to the boards. Please read and re-read the plethora of information posted to you by Cadet. The wisdom is priceless.
"It's never been a happy marriage" really jumped out at me. To me, this is where the digging begins. You said you own your role. What role did you play in the downfall of your marriage? Looking back, what would you do differently?
You have 18+ years of history with your W, which is a long time to be in an unhappy M/R. I'm sure there is happiness in there somewhere. Independent of one another, are either of you happy(perhaps before Marriage)? What attracted you to each other? What is different now, from then?
Here's the thing, the affair is/was a symptom of the problems within the M/R. It took years for the wheels to completely fall off, so bring your patience.
The changes begin with you. I will emphasis these changes are for YOU, because you will be better off when you come out the other side with/without your W. Identify poor habits/behaviors and address. Work to get to your happy place.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I have suffered with depression for many years and it has been difficult for me to express myself to her. There wasn't much in the way of physical affection.
We didn't have a lot in common but we found things to do together like travel. We met on an internet forum - it was a long distance relationship.
I have suffered with depression for many years and it has been difficult for me to express myself to her. There wasn't much in the way of physical affection.
We didn't have a lot in common but we found things to do together like travel. We met on an internet forum - it was a long distance relationship.
Are you or do you plan on getting help for your depression?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Woodchipper....lol.. Sorry you are here. We have all heard the same exact delusional commentary from WAS's and WS's REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT THE ONE HOLDING RESENTMENT. YOU ATE NOT THE ONE WHO LEFY TGE M and YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO CHEATED. Your BD is my S2's birthday. Tough love. Set boundaries for your protection. Get counciling and get well. Grow some patience. GAL and make YOURSELF PRIORITY #1. Let them come to you. They haven't hit rock bottom yet.
I have limited necessary communications with WW to email and only about finances and the kids.
She is completely delusional and thinks what she did is not cheating if she told me she separated already, We live at the same address. She hadn't even met the guy she cheated with. It was a grubby little fling in a hotel.
Thank you IHCLACS for your advice, Much appreciated,
Last edited by Cadet; 02/05/2002:24 PM. Reason: combine posts
I have been married 18 years and have two daughters. It's never been a happy marriage and I do take ownership for my role in contributing to the downfall of the marriage. None of us got marriage counseling and we should have done. Instead my wife allowed resentment, bitterness and disrespect to build up in her over the years,.
Hi Drh,
Welcome to the boards. Please read and re-read the plethora of information posted to you by Cadet. The wisdom is priceless.
"It's never been a happy marriage" really jumped out at me. To me, this is where the digging begins. You said you own your role. What role did you play in the downfall of your marriage? Looking back, what would you do differently?
You have 18+ years of history with your W, which is a long time to be in an unhappy M/R. I'm sure there is happiness in there somewhere. Independent of one another, are either of you happy(perhaps before Marriage)? What attracted you to each other? What is different now, from then?
Here's the thing, the affair is/was a symptom of the problems within the M/R. It took years for the wheels to completely fall off, so bring your patience.
The changes begin with you. I will emphasis these changes are for YOU, because you will be better off when you come out the other side with/without your W. Identify poor habits/behaviors and address. Work to get to your happy place.
I would have made more of an effort to be physically affectionate and open up to her. We should have got counselling. She did encourage me to do this several years ago and I didn't. I didn't feel comfortable opening up to strangers. I was raised in a strict religious environment.
