I am so very sorry about your situation. Some MLCers can be very nasty and do some terrible things like clean the house out and the bank accounts and then sit back and struggle financially because they have spent all of the money w/o budgeting for things in life and then expect us to jump through hoops to settle up in court.
As for your church minister, he may be a could listener, but he's not the one walking in your shoes and having to deal w/someone who has lost the plot. She is the one that moved out, she is the one now responsible for her own life, living arrangements and yes, even budgeting. She had a nice home and family, but most of all a loving husband and she has chosen to walk away from all of those things and start fresh. The mess she created is of her own making.
I would focus on the welfare of my children and if you have to provide additional money to take care of them, then this is something you will need to discuss w/your lawyer how to go about ensuring that the funding is used appropriately. Your lawyer can guide you on this issue. I suggest that you document as much as you can on the visits w/your children. Don't ask the children questions, but listen because children do tend to talk. If you hear something that isn't right, document it.
Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you and your children. Your children need you now more than ever. Leave your wife in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
(I am a mom) so that would be my main and only focus
You are in a different situation being dad and I would follow the advice of the L to secure more custody at least 50/50 so you can provide a stable home for your boys. saying that, I would help as seems appropriate for the boys and if the kids are in danger and struggling , I would try to push L for quicker results with custody agreement
We don't really know what happened to your W.. I would guess she had a fantasy life planned (maybe her friend did influence but that is done) and she thought it would evolve if she left..It may be MLC or Mental illness or both, and if it is a true MLC..it will probably take many years Many MLCers do have substance abuse issues even if they get a prescription or two for anxiety I would watch for that..many start drinking or using other drugs as well- nothing is off limits for a mlcer she is not the same wife you had and you will see many alarming changes especially if MLC is the issue
BUT at this time no one can really know what will happen only time will tell and you will gain clarity in time
Usually a therapist will encourage M and a productive lifestyle and choices /unless there is abuse and if her therapist cant see her illness, she is probably a pretty bad therapist
What can you do: Make sure the kids are safe,,be a stable parent for them Focus on you to heal to get counseling/support and grieve the loss and sudden change in your life
Meditate, pray continue your walk with God join support group find a hobby try to keep busy
Patience to wait until the answers and solutions are available
protect your assets and your kids (the MLCer will take everything and everyone down with them) they usually become terrible parents as well
time will heal you..and many of the LBS(US) create new lives
Hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks for the support everyone, it’s really helping me to get by one day at a time.
The DR book has arrived and I’m about half way through my first reading of it. A lot of it makes sense.
I’m trying the 180s. Her L has indicated he wants information about financial settlement by Jan 10, so that’s making the whole “be patient” thing fairly difficult.
But yes, she needs to be left in God’s hands atm.
Had a great 48 hours with kids and just about to return them back to her for a whole week. It’s easy to be despondent about that, but I need to focus on the wonderful 48 hours instead of the negative. I’ll be happy, and cheerful, and resilient when I return the children. No more begging/pleading here. I have a life to get on with and I intend to do that - whether or not she wants to be part of it!
The rush to a financial settlement seems very quick. But you do need to produce financial statements. I assume you have your own attorney - if not, you need one ASAP.
What kind of financials are we talking about here? In community property states, a typical settlement would be 1/2 of assets acquired during the course of the marriage, and if she’s not working or earns considerably less than you, alimony for 1/2 the number of years you were married. There are formulas for child support - I’m assuming, if your job involves travel, that you can’t fight for 50% custody?
Do you own your home? Was it bought during your marriage? Do you have equity in it?
I have been employing the 180s fairly well, minimal contact (except for arrangements for the kids). I’ve been feeling stronger in myself and more resolved not to beg/plead/cry and chase. Every time before I go to see her, I read the 180s and Sandi’s 37 to pep me up and toughen my resolve to be kind but assertive.
W just drove past and decided to drop in with the kids and we talked about our R.
Very quickly it became a “you’ve done everything wrong, this is all your fault” type conversation.
And stupid me, I was reduced to a sobbing mess - promising that I loved her (she was asking why I’m so happy and if I have someone else) and that I’d do anything to make it work.
She left having got what she wanted - knowing that she still has me in her back pocket whenever she wants.
And now 30 mins later, I’m so disappointed in myself for having fallen into my old door mat pattern.
Sorry to hear about this recent exchange. Don’t beat yourself up though because we’ve all done things we wish we did differently with the benefit of hindsight. I think it important though that you don’t mention it to her at all again. Act as if it didn’t happen and certainly don’t apologise.
Next time you see her be the very best levelled up version of you you can be. Find a good mantra to repeat before any interaction as these calm things as well as breathing exercises.
If she asks about girlfriends just say I’m focusing on myself and the kids. If she asks why you’re happy just say I’m making the best of things. Short vague answers. Read every quote from ready2changes quotes thread then read again. Find robx and read his posts as well.
Good luck buddy keep posting
Cheers ds
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
It happens,,,this is a tough road and we forget that the asking, talking, crying stuff works against us try to let it go we all go through this especially in the beginning
I think DS9 gave some great advice
hang in friend It does get better you will get stronger the story is not over yet-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I’m a pretty big encourager of compassion. And that includes for yourself.
Be kind to yourself. There is no need to beat yourself up over your emotional responses. We’ve all done that - both cried, begged, plead and felt horrible after it.
You are right, she was looking for a fix; to see you still attached and on her hook.
I recall my XW and her smugness when lording over me with her absolute confidence in her story. At one point she was cruelly consoling me. That her and OM are soulmates and that if, and that’s an if not a when, I was to maybe ever find a companion that I would need do a better job and she my ex-wife could tell me all my faults so I would know what to fix but it would take around 2 hours and I was far to weak at the moment.
Bah. Pure garbage they spew. But that smugness is irritating and they seem so sure of their new life.
Breathe. Focus on you.
Of course your W is going to blame you. She cannot blame herself for all this. She’s in an emotional crisis - she cannot be wrong. Her psyche cannot handle reality right now. She will come back looking for justifications for her actions. She will come back to blame you. Do not get drawn into any relationship conversations.
I am glad you see this and your reaction to her. I am also glad you see your response to the aftermath of her; the funk you are currently in. Some people are clouded in denial about this and much else. Since you are not, you are already walking the path.
So what to do?
Think about what W said. I know her words are on loop right now in your mind. Stop that replaying! The big red stop sign, GAL activities, whatever works. Find your way to pause your run away emotions. You can resume them later for processing at your convenience. Yeah, the holy grail of emotional awareness - I know. But you can get there.
Anyhow, I said think - not feel - think about what she said. If there are some parts of truth in there, fine. Work on them. For you. Make yourself the best Kind18 you can be. A man she would be foolish to leave. This is very much for you.
Also limit your interactions with her. These conversations with W show you how, for the moment, she is not going to, nor is ready to, listen to reason. And she won’t be for quite some time, sorry to say.
Do not have a R conversion. When she bring it up, extract yourself from it. Be vague, bring up something else, or just leave the room - any of those is better than being dragged through a “Let’s blame H conversation”.
As I said, don’t beat yourself up. You are gaining valuable experience and will know better next time.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Every time before I go to see her, I read the 180s and Sandi’s 37 to pep me up and toughen my resolve to be kind but assertive.
W just drove past and decided to drop in with the kids and we talked about our R.
Nice to see you prepping before a planned visit with her.
This time appears to be a spontaneous visit from her. That is unlikely, she most likely planned her side and caught you unawares.
MLCer are an emotional mess. However they are driven to get what they feel they need. They will mow down anyone and anything that gets in their way. W needed her fix about blaming you. Her visit was probably planned and orchestrated for her to get it. She had a goal.
What can we maybe do for next time she shows up like that.
- “Oh, Hi W. I was about to go out. Sorry, you should’ve called.” And then go out somewhere. Don’t tell her where or anything about it.
- ”Thanks for bring the kids over for a visit.” When she bring up R talks - “I’m visiting the kids right now.” If she persists - “ We can talk about us later if you like.” Or “I see little point in discussing our relationship.” Whatever works for you.
- Welcoming her in. Paste a smile on your face, act as it. Enjoy the visit. And deflect any and all of her attempts at pulling you in.
It’s tough stuff. She knows all your buttons to push. You need to shut them off, which is more or less impossible - so you take back control from her. Push them yourself and get used to, and control of, your reactions. It amounts to shutting down her access to your inner self.
By the way, set backs happen. And they are forward movement. We need setbacks, as counterintuitive as that sounds.
Focus on you. Work towards detachment.
Your doing fine. Really.
And take it easy on Kind18. He’s a good guy and been through a lot.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
