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Yail,

I am glad you are here. Thank you for posting on my thread. I have trouble keeping track of posters, but when they message me on my thread, I try and find their's and read it. I hope you will stay and update occasionally. I just know there are so many posters that read and don't post and so the more diverse sitches we have on the boards, the more safe they might feel to come around eventually, and esp queer folks. It seems that the dominate culture here is Christian, straight and perhaps white, but I don't know that for a fact. I am guessing based on 5-6 years of reading. I want everyone to know they are welcome here and there are many of us that will try not to give the same advice.

How is it going with the "Artist's Way?" A dear friend gave me that book after my own BD. It had helped her through a similar sitch. I struggled to read it tho. I was so anxious and depressed then that I couldn't focus on that level of self reflection and personal work. Perhaps I should give it a go now? There are so many mediums to healing and self discovery. Art is therapy in and of itself.

You seem to be in a good place. It is perfectly healthy to enjoy casual fun and flirting without the intentions of a relationship. It is also a nice reminder that you still got it! ;-)
'
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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FS - oh yes, I remember Burned. I actually think of him time to time and wish he stayed. As much as he dug his heels in he was never one that got on my nerves because I got the sense he was trying. He was posting, asking questions, and was engaged. That was my feeling about him anyway. He struggled so much with his anger at the sitch, and I hope he is well.

I think it is exactly the "NMMNG" book and "A woman wants a confidant man" mantra that gets to me. Because my reality is that those things aren't gendered. I want a confidant woman who owns herself and can lead me. I hope I am also that for a future partner, because it's a two way street. I did see a couple of the " mr nice guy" traits in myself but I think we all do. I guess I just get annoyed when folks take those phrases a tad too literally. I simply stay off those posters' threads.

Ah yes. My drunken diatribe grin. I remember it well. I wrote it, deleted it (giving it a second thought) and then wrote it again in a much kinder fashion before posting. I was MAD that day. I remember writing it very clearly. I believe it was about a year ago.

Looking back, it wasn't too terrible. But I remember the rage i felt. Just for fun, here it is: That time Yail posted drunk

**********
Blu

I'm mildly embarrassed to say that I've let the Artists Way fall to the wayside. I blame the holidays. I do hope to start again, as I think it's a great fit for me. My goal is to pick it back up after Christmas.

I love how none of us know what others look like, but you saying "you still go it" made me so happy laugh I feel hot these days! So thank you for noticing! (hehe)

In the real world I put back on the weight I lost last year due to anxiety, but hey, some folks love my curves. I used to have a blonde section under my dark curls but I just dyed it bright pink because I'm feeling feisty. I might due purple for New Years. So yeah, this mama's still got some swagger and I'm definitely workin' it. wink

Thanks for saying hi.

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Yail - just dropping in to say that I'm glad you're here too. I wondered, sometimes, how it must be for you as a lesbian posting here when the posts are overwhelmingly about heterosexual (and often Christian) marriages, and what might be helpful to you, and what not. I am not Christian myself, consider myself a feminist and find a lot of the 'Mars and Venus' outlook on this forum very off putting and unhelpful. I notice how the threads can get gender segregated, and I notice that apart from a couple of very welcome exceptions, when I post on a man's thread I tend to be ignored. I guess I take what is useful from this forum, and leave out the parts that aren't. I've found reading about boundaries, especially from the women posters, and understanding control and abuse, extremely useful. It's changed my life, in fact. And from you: your commitment to your art, your personal growth, your creation of an authentic and beautiful life. How your posts are more about you and who and how you want to be rather than your W. I love that about your threads. Thank you for posting them and for being here and such a good example to me. Merry Christmas!

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Alison, it's interesting what you said about posting on a male poster's thread and being ignored. I felt that! But I honestly thought it was because I was a lesbian stepping in to the situation, and folks thought my input wouldn't apply to them. I didn't even notice that it was gendered with other posters experiencing the same thing. Thank you for sharing, it gives me a bit of a different outlook. I'm sorry you've felt that too.

TBH, I feel the greatest difference between myself and other posters in that I don't have children. That's a huge difference in experience, and it makes our sitches vastly different. That I can understand, because it means nearly everyone else is required to interact with their WAS on a weekly/daily basis. It's a completely different ballgame, and one I can only support but not fully understand.

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OMG Yail - I meant to tell you that I have had several close calls of the "oops too much bourbon and now I want to vent" variety. Your drunken diatribe made me smile a little. I think we've all been there. As for the NMMNG mentality, I think many of us here can relate. However, I do see a push for the alpha male in many posters here. I take it with a grain of salt and think that many of us could take away a need to be a bit more assertive about our dreams/desires in future relationships.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
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Girl, are you another bourbon lover? excellent. We should be friends.

I did smile when you said you were a chapstick on your thread. I get it. I was a bit more chapstick in my past but have since ramped up the femme side. I feel we're kinda similar, if I had to guess.

My advice is to spend some time revamping your look just for fun. Turn the tunes way up in your bathroom, get some whiskey, and have a solo dance party. Try to tweak your aesthetic and you'll start to feel like a new woman. And then the attitude shift follows and you stop taking (censor) from everyone. It's great.

And go buy some killer boots! Every woman feels powerful in new boots.

Music suggestion: I'm not very well versed in the rap scene (I'm a riot grrrl at heart), but this past year I have not stopped listening to Snow tha Product. That woman has GOT something. And she's dating/engaged to a woman now too and they have the most adorable YouTube channel. I'm a bit in love with them both.

Start with "Waste of Time". Then move into her party music.

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you and your love of boots !!!

And even when you say that you can't totally relate to those of us with children, you've still done a great job of supporting me through my trials and tribulations.

The push for the alpha male is just a way of getting people out of the fatal position and back into the real world. Our self esteem (male and female) takes a hell of a beating when our spouses walk out on us that what we all need is to gain some of it back. And one road to that is knowing your worth and not letting people walk all over you. I've read the NMMNG book and I didn't read it as a book advocating not being nice. For me it was more about some people using 'niceness' as a means to manipulate other people into needing them and how that way of behaving is self damaging. So NMMNG is about stopping those behaviours and not necessarily about stopping being nice. Being nice to others is never a bad thing. It's just the title of the book and the way it sometimes gets represented here can be misleading.

Yail - have you watched Fleabag? I binge watched it over two days and thought it was excellent. I think you'd really like it.


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Hello ladies!

These posts just put a smile on my face ... and reminded me that I need some whiskey this holiday season. And some nice boots :-) I can be a bit of an agnostic, hippie, holy jean wearing, snowflake (haha jk). Not every day, but maybe some days. So I don't tend to think I fit into the boards' overall biblical referencing philosophies ...

I am of two minds about the No More Mr Nice Guy advice. I think the term MNG has been a bit overused and therefore it's meaning has become diluted. It can also be used in conjunction with telling male posters to "get your b@lls back" etc, and therefore suggests some kind of hyper-masculine connotation. That could lead one to infer that the poster has been emasculated by his W and needs to reassert his power in the M in order to win her back. I don't think most posters mean to suggest that, and if they do, they probably have not read the book and are misusing the term.

This book was life changing for my H. He felt as if the book was written for him and it helped him understand his personal issues -- in our M and in his relationships with everyone, esp women. My understanding is that a MNG is a man that uses his "niceness" as a way of covering up deep-seeded feelings of fear, inadequacy and an inability to express their needs/wants. This leads to covert contracts, disappointment in not getting their needs met and then ultimately resentment towards that other person. My H has always been a big people pleaser and would often stuff his own feelings and opinions. So in our M, he wasn't getting his needs met, but he actually wasn't communicating them. This led to a build-up of resentment over the years and I was mostly oblivious to it. Since he has been back in the M, he has had to learn to express his needs, wants, and desires. He has also had to learn to stand up for himself, disagree and say "no" to people when they expect too much of him. It has also helped me to understand him better and also to respect him for being less of a pushover in general. My H still has a bit of these tendencies, but he has changed quite a bit also. Without these changes, I don't think we would be able to fix our M. I would guess that a lot of male posters on the boards do not fall into the MNG category, so I am not sure why it is so widely suggested as a read.

Happy holidays!
Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 12/24/19 10:57 PM.

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Good evening ladies and any other lurkers. I'd love to continue this great dialogue happening. However, it is Christmas Eve for me and the holiday spirit has just captured me, so I'm distracted.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas for those who celebrate or acknowledge the day. I am here in my apartment quite content with my busy day. It's nearly 11PM.

I'm quite the procrastinator when it comes to holidays, so I was frantically sewing up until about 9PM tonight for my mom's gift (she wanted a cover for her KitchenAid mixer). I'm please with how it turned out.

I've also spent the past few days cooking up a storm. I made a 4x batch of Limoncello this year which has been sitting for several months. Looks like I get a bit of extra for myself this year, and perhaps some other friends I don't typically gift to. I'm also making an Irish cream this year which is a quick thing I'll do tomorrow (cream, sweetened condensed milk, vanilla, cocoa, Jameson). I have a hot sauce I'll pulse together tomorrow, and I also need to strain and bottle the ginger liqueur I made. I made a 2x batch of bacon jam with one spicy and the other not so my mom could enjoy some. I love giving food gifts.

I made a chocolate swiss roll that has mascarpone cream in the middle. I made it last year, and it's light but decadent. I can't wait to enjoy it - I greatly enjoyed licking the bowls clean.

Oh, and some cranberry-Campari Jello shots grin

I didn't do my traditional homemade panettone this year (which takes 2-3 days and is intense and insane) because I no longer have a mixer. Perhaps I'll use my time before New Years to make it by hand. I had made Pizzelle for coworkers, and will make pignoli in the next few days.

In case you couldn't figure it out, Yail is Italian.

(Side bar: I made the pizzelle for a bunch of coworkers, one of which is my work-crush. She's also Italian. And I've discovered she's dating someone and very much not available BUT I still love having my little secret crush on her. And she was so thrilled by the pizzelle she gave me a big hug and declared she loved me. She was grateful, and I was so thrilled to have made something so appreciated. It made my week!)

I got a tree this year. I wasn't going to, then said "oh, screw it, I'd love one!". Last year was not a very festive one for me, but this year I'm celebrating. It's adorable in my apartment. I have the lights on it, but did not have time to put ornaments on. I plan on doing so after this post as I listen to my "Hipster Christmas" radio station and drinking wine in my fancy pajamas.

I also will wrap gifts after that, which isn't done. Yep, procrastinator!!

Tomorrow I will spend the morning finishing my food gifts and then head over to my brother/SIL's house about 20 minutes away. They are at her family's home, and I'll let myself in and get the roast in the oven by noon. They will return around 2PM and my parents and grandma will come over for 4PM dinner.

The only very tiny less-than-perfect element of tomorrow is that my rabbit will be at home while I'm with my family. She's my little buddy, and in my very perfect world she'd spend the day with me. But i'll spend the evening with her instead. My dad stopped over with some gifts for her - one was a carrot - and I tied it to the tree with the ribbon he had on it. Her very own ornament!! A new tradition. It's currently the only ornament. A tree with a carrot tied on it - that's it. Oh, yes, it looks insane and makes me giggle!!!!

Wishing you all tiny moments of joy and peace during this time of year. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not it is post-solstice and our days will be getting longer in this part of the world. And a New Year is around the corner.

Cheers to my internet support system. You all listened to me this past year and got me to this other side. I am toasting to you from my cozy living room and giving my gratitude to the Universe.

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Merry Christmas to you as well! I drool just reading about all you cook up for the holidays.

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