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CanBird,

You may want to consider setting up a separate account in your name and move some of your money over to that account. There is no way to determine if he's going to spend to the high heavens or he'll remain status quo. Have you given any thought as to setting up a spreadsheet to show him just where all of the money goes each month? This may help temper any upheavals in his behavior if he has something in black and white that shows what each of you has been spending. He may not even be fully aware just how much goes out each month.

As for his motive for being home? I wouldn't be looking for a motive. I would be enjoying the time that you and your little one have w/him in the here and now. We can't see too far into the future because it has not begun to reveal itself. The present is a gift, a gift of precious time...use it wisely for once it's gone, you can't get that time back.

Hang in there and keep the focus on you and your child.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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H started to talk as I was trying to leave, I was in the car. The not talking isnt helping. We need to talk about What Next. I tried to keep it together, didnt cry (yet). We didnt really talk; had to pick up D3, which he did because she asked him to.

So what next? While D3 was at daycare H came with me to run my errands. We bought gifts for D3, he bought stuff to cook, wine? (Why is he being so nice? ). H "should we put up the tree for D3" I asked him if he'd be here for Christmas. H; do you want me to? Should I go? me: I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go at all. (Oops! I spoke my heart. I also said I DO want to talk. Ive been waiting for him to start things. He's been waiting for me.)

Well, at least he's here for another week.

Ps- Going out last night was great. H came home. I left pretty quick. Was home a few hours later before 11pm. He was asleep (not..I saw him look up a few times). Nice to see my friend that use to live here.

Okay. I think I need wine. I have a kiddy party in the morning, at a trampoline park! Will take it easy.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2877049 12/21/19 08:50 AM
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Journaling- H & I continued our conversation throught the evening in bits. I did more probing regarding spending. He was forth coming about whatever I asked. We had a family swim together, H bbq steaks, we all ate together. H & I put C Tree up after D3 went to bed. He installed this fancy voice activated

I felt that since we both agreed the "not talking method " was uncomfortable, for tonight, I could ask more questions. Try a different approch. We both talked more about us. I said we never gave ourselves a chance to work on things before we got here. Not fair to us & not fair to D3. We havent even given us a try. Moving forward with this/us or whatever you call it, what is your plan H? Have you thought that far ahead? What about D3? H showed some emotion.

H wants something different, a change. Well, you did something different now what? H says, "What do you want?" My same reply," I want my family I want us." I don't care about what happened, I don't. I at least want to give us a try. H got emotional. "If we try something new? Like if we moved? If we rented our place out and lived somewhere else? ....pause... What is this? Did he just say US? I had to stop myself from spoiling the moment so I zipped up. I reached out and grabbed his arm. We then held hands for a while. I got up said good night & headed to bed.

Going to have a spring in my step tomorrow. Literally; going to a trampoline b'day party.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2877063 12/21/19 02:38 PM
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He knows how you feel

I would say no more

saying one thing and doing another is common here-

let him lead

You will know soon enough what his plan is and try to keep expectations low
watch his actions

If this is MLC it is different than just an affair-
more complicated and it will take time--


Dig for patience and trust the process


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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I agree w/Peace. He knows what he has done and how it has impacted your life and that of your child. He is feeling very guilty and ashamed of what he's done. He now knows how you feel and he will be taking a temper check w/you throughout the holiday. If he thinks you are upset or angry, he will ask you if you want him to go...just tell him that it is up to him to decide what he wants...that you've already told him how you feel about things. If he opts to stay, time will tell where his mind is.

Keep your expectations very, very low. You listen, but observe his actions. Actions speak louder than words. An affair is one thing, but if this is true blue MLC, it's going to be far more complicated and a much longer road to the other side for both of you.

For now, listen, listen and keep the focus on you and your child. Give your h plenty of space and time. Just be yourself and try to enjoy the holiday. Time is truly on your side.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
CanBird #2877071 12/21/19 03:47 PM
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Thank you Peace & Job. I agree with all you both stated. Actions speak volumes.

Now I'm wondering about his MLC? . Since 'A' reveal, I see more of the person I know. Biggest was drinking; its normal. Not super irritable, not grumpy/mean. A bit of depression/bordom. The activities he enjoys he isnt doing. (We live in a warm climate). He can do other things, but because of his weight gain I think thats partly stopping him. (I was surprised he came home bigger. I thought he'd be mlc thin).
So much more attentive with D3. He's not ignoring friends when they call, but only socializes a little. He's not doing any strange behavior. Talks a lot about what we need to do here. But yes. Actions speak.

So back to me. Yes, I've said enough. The space I've been giving was really detached. We both agreed that was just more of what drove us apart: lacknof communication. I'm giving the R talk space & time. Everything else I'll just gadge it.

We put the Christmas Tree up last night. Time to decorate tonight. I'm going to check out what activities we can do together outside the home. We need adventure! H suggested a whale watch (its warm here) I say we do it! D3 has never been. Okay holiday spirit, lets do this!


Last edited by CanBird; 12/21/19 03:50 PM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2877073 12/21/19 04:21 PM
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Canbird - you are doing so very well!

To me, the telling bit in what he said is that he wants to change things; rent out the house and move for a bit.
He does not say he wants things to return to the way they were before his affair. His desire to leave could be a mere transition adjustment, typical in a healthy midlife realignment of life goals. Or, it could be his desire to run from himself if he is in MLC. Desire to run will be high because their pain is great and they are trying to self medicate through avoidance.

Time will tell. MLC is marked by confusion. They yo yo, from day to day and moment to moment. They forget things they said days ago, moments ago. You will be able to tell if it is MLC. It is not just an affair. In fact, I don’t think mine had one. I had a live - in wallower.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions in the times he does open up. Some of them go through periods where they jabber away. This will help you better understand what this is. If he says he wants to change things, you can ask “oh, what don’t this you like about being here? Where do you want to go and how will that make things better?” Be non judgmental and he will probably sing like a canary at this point. It will help you better understand what this is. If it is MLC the confusion will be apparent.

Focus on you and stay positive.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
CanBird #2877075 12/21/19 05:19 PM
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one more thought

How hold was the affair partner

MLCers tend to go younger(not always) but it does seem a lot will


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
CanBird #2877089 12/21/19 10:01 PM
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Re:moving. Don’t do anything that hurts you financially. Going along with the desperate whims of a depressed spouse is a recipe for financial pain. (Ask me about my ex’s vacant lot in Baja MX).

They’re unhappy with their life and looking for something - anything - to make them feel better. It can be affairs, drugs, shopping, anything that gives them a temporary high. It’s good that he’s thinking of something that doesn’t apparently have to do with the OW (unless, of course, he wants to move somewhere closer to her? Are you sure you know her current location? He wouldn’t be the first WAS to convince his spouse to move somewhere that is to his advantage and then leave for OW, making you stuck in that state because divorce laws won’t let you move away with the kid. )

Why do you think he wants to move to the particular place he has in mind? Does it make sense? Would it be a better place for you to be if he walks out? If not, try to redirect him to other “new” things instead. Be “new” yourself - new hairdo, new look, new attitude, new hobbies.

He seems to have some remorse, please get some condoms so that if you do end up sleeping with him you are protected against stds. (No mater what he says, he did NOT use condoms with the OW, trust me).

Be the interesting woman living an interesting life that he might want to join. Don’t let him drag you around chasing something to fill that unfillable hole he has inside.

HaWho #2877098 12/22/19 12:56 AM
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Originally Posted by HaWho
Canbird - you are doing so very well!

To me, the telling bit in what he said is that he wants to change things; rent out the house and move for a bit.
He does not say he wants things to return to the way they were before his affair. His desire to leave could be a mere transition adjustment, typical in a healthy midlife realignment of life goals. Or, it could be his desire to run from himself if he is in MLC. Desire to run will be high because their pain is great and they are trying to self medicate through avoidance.

Time will tell. MLC is marked by confusion. They yo yo, from day to day and moment to moment. They forget things they said days ago, moments ago. You will be able to tell if it is MLC. It is not just an affair. In fact, I don’t think mine had one. I had a live - in wallower.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions in the times he does open up. Some of them go through periods where they jabber away. This will help you better understand what this is. If he says he wants to change things, you can ask “oh, what don’t this you like about being here? Where do you want to go and how will that make things better?” Be non judgmental and he will probably sing like a canary at this point. It will help you better understand what this is. If it is MLC the confusion will be apparent.

Focus on you and stay positive.


Thank you HaWho. I understand his reasons for wanting certain changes; all he does is work, literally. The money is great, but he feels stuck there. Doesn't see any better prospects. He wants that to change; not working so much, but doesn't see how. The rental suggestion; we've talked about it before. Not sure if we'd stay here or a different state. (Ow is not a concern. That sitch is in a different country. I have hard evidence & not worried) .

I will stay focused. Thank you.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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