Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 4

[Westo]

You’re doing great.

H has been home now almost 18 months. His ‘adventure’ is never far from my mind and I doubt very much that it will ever go away.

Yes, “it happened” but in a strange way, it the best thing that has happened in our marriage.

After almost 30 years together, I can now see just how much we had drifted apart. I can honestly say we now interact as we did ten years ago.

I wouldn’t change what happened, even though it was the most difficult time for all of us.

What will be, will be. But, you have had the most fantastic advantage.

You discovered this place way before you had to ‘deal’ with him and you’ve taken on board all the advice.

I believe that makes a heck of a difference.

[CanBird]

You’re doing great.

H has been home now almost 18 months. His ‘adventure’ is never far from my mind and I doubt very much that it will ever go away.

Yes, “it happened” but in a strange way, it the best thing that has happened in our marriage.

After almost 30 years together, I can now see just how much we had drifted apart. I can honestly say we now interact as we did ten years ago.

I wouldn’t change what happened, even though it was the most difficult time for all of us.

What will be, will be. But, you have had the most fantastic advantage.

You discovered this place way before you had to ‘deal’ with him and you’ve taken on board all the advice.

I believe that makes a heck of a difference.

Thank you Westo. Wow. Over 30 years. We've been T11/M7 D3 (both in our 40s)

What you said really resignates with me. I totally get why he did it, doesn't make it right of course. Could we have done any thing different? Sure. Would it of mattered? Who knows. We can only move forward.

During our first confession session (what else can you call it? ) right before H spilled the details, he said what an awful person he was...etc etc.. H also said "I thought I'd break the cycle". (family history of multiple marragies from both parents, aunts and uncles on both sides & siblings) I said," you can break the cycle. My dad wanted to leave my mom for a neighbor when I was very little. They stayed together." (They loved each other, some rough moments but they stayed and were happy).

I too believe this can make a marriage stronger. Yes it happened, its BIG & UGLY, but we now have a chance to rebuild & work on having a better marriage. I so want that. I don't hate my H, he's the father of my child, my friend and the bedroom stuff is something I'm dying for! Willing to try new things (always have) to spark things up. But not rushing anything.

Thanks again Westo.

[CanBird]

Journaling~ D3 & I worked. H helped a neighbor who's building an in-law suite. I've noticed H has been connecting more with friends & neighbors. During BD he claimed he had no friends. I'm happy for him to have these interactions. It's like he's GAL too.

After work I saw tickets were at 1/2 for a Christmas Train thing we did last year. I had told H I wanted to take D3 when tix go on sale. I text H tix were on sale, did he want to go with us. H said Yes/buy them. So excited.

Before train, D3 had a nap. H was in the garage, tidying things up. I have boxes of baby stuff to get rid of. H suggested what I could do with it. I listened & we spread it all out took a photo & its all for sale. He also took D3 crib apart and will reasemble in garage to sell.

Our Christmas Train event was fun. We had to sit squished together. It was nice. H was okay with it. My arm was around his shoulder. It was okay, relaxed, no weirdness. We took photos together, that was okay. All tired late night, all went right to bed.

Oh...H broght up finanes, I suggested we talk Friday. D3 will be in daycare. He has debt that we really haven't talked about it. I know about it because the information is available, plain as day, in our bank records. That's another BIG UGLY deal. Guess its good we're working things out together.

[job]

You are doing great. When you speak about the finances tomorrow, listen to what he says and validate whenever you can.

I have no doubt that you can handle this conversation and do it well.

Hang in there! Dig deeper for patience. You can do this!

[kml]

Where did the debt come from? Was he just in denial about living expenses, was he spending secretly, or was this money spent on OW?

Some good resources on tackling debt:
Dave Ramsey's books and radio show - I hate his politics but his approach to debt is simple and empowering.

Mr Money Mustache website - great blog and message board on being frugal to become financially independent.

[CanBird]

You are doing great. When you speak about the finances tomorrow, listen to what he says and validate whenever you can.

I have no doubt that you can handle this conversation and do it well.

Hang in there! Dig deeper for patience. You can do this!

Thanks Job. H brought up the finances last week & I did just that; listened, head nods. Whatever he talks about I do this. Queen Validator. I decided this morning that I didn't want to spend my free time on Friday with H. (D3 has daycare) This morning I wrote down on a little chart what he needed to know. I gave him the information, and offered a suggestion, he listened. He thanked me. I know this isn't the end of the conversation. He needs help figuring things out. We're total opposites with money. He spends, I'm frugle.

I handle the finances/pay all household bills, manage our rental property...I do it all.

YES! I CAN DO THIS!!

[CanBird]

Where did the debt come from? Was he just in denial about living expenses, was he spending secretly, or was this money spent on OW?

Some good resources on tackling debt:
Dave Ramsey's books and radio show - I hate his politics but his approach to debt is simple and empowering.

Mr Money Mustache website - great blog and message board on being frugal to become financially independent.

Hi kml. I know what 98% of the debt is. I take care of paying bills, so I know how much he's paying on his credit cards. I think there is some denial over his debts. I'm very frugal & he's a spender. Because he's an excellant provider, I never have said too much.

I'm not sure but surely there is secret spending. Now that I know about his "adventures", that accounts for a lot of spending money this year. And I know the time frames of these trips too. I dont think any money from our rental property should go towards that. HECK NO! How do I say that? Can I even ask what hes been spending on? He usually falls back on what I know.

Im excellant with money. My father taught me well. My H hasnt a clue. He makes & spends. Now when he talks about the 2 cards he needs to pay off, he hangs his head down. I can see he's embarrased/ ashamed. And I cant ask a thing. Or can I?

See post above...We already talked a bit about it..

[CanBird]

Journal~ Thurdays are the busiest for D3 and I. Right now I'm running on fumes & have soccer for her now. YIKES! Tonight my first outing with a gf since Hs return! SO EXCITED!!!

[peacetoday]

The money is a tough situation

If there is a way for him to get a credit card in his name only and no ties to you
its a thought...

depending on where you situation goes...
If he returns to the M and gets therapy and makes a decision to be all inclusive again..then perhaps as a couple you can agree on something

For now I would be watchful..they overspend like crazy in MLC

If he is leaving and going to continue to create more debt..well ...

You have to protect yourself and your property
They lie, steal and go above the law



I saw my XH going crazy overspending in his MLC and with OW
spending, trips, nail salons, gambling, drinking
Be clear and no denial with this because if he plans on leaving the M, he will take you down with him

when I realized the spending
I was lucky enough to get my name off all his credit cards immediately

for many years the credit companies tried to hunt him down and he owed thousands, I mean 10s of thousands
to all different cards

and on one occasion his OW charged thousands to a card that had no intention of ever paying

I sometimes got the bills at our business but because his name was not linked to mine
I was safe..

be smart here...
We dont know his motives for being home or his intention for the future
yet

[CanBird]

The money is a tough situation

If there is a way for him to get a credit card in his name only and no ties to you
its a thought...

depending on where you situation goes...
If he returns to the M and gets therapy and makes a decision to be all inclusive again..then perhaps as a couple you can agree on something

For now I would be watchful..they overspend like crazy in MLC

If he is leaving and going to continue to create more debt..well ...

You have to protect yourself and your property
They lie, steal and go above the law



I saw my XH going crazy overspending in his MLC and with OW
spending, trips, nail salons, gambling, drinking
Be clear and no denial with this because if he plans on leaving the M, he will take you down with him

when I realized the spending
I was lucky enough to get my name off all his credit cards immediately

for many years the credit companies tried to hunt him down and he owed thousands, I mean 10s of thousands
to all different cards

and on one occasion his OW charged thousands to a card that had no intention of ever paying

I sometimes got the bills at our business but because his name was not linked to mine
I was safe..

be smart here...
We dont know his motives for being home or his intention for the future
yet

I know 98% of what his debts are. We have no shared credit cards; all his cards are in his name. (I have my own, his money pays my bills..Im frugal). I can see payments he makes on each cc as its taken out of his/our account. We have joint accounts. He's the bread winner and I manage the house hold bills, our rental property. Until now/BD, I've never really questioned his spending (didnt like some of his choices) because he makes the money, supports the family.

His motive for being home? His daughter. His intentions? Spend time with his daughter. Beyond that I havent a clue.
SELF-TALK
Keep focused on what YOU want
Keep positive