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I know that the elephant in the room is making things difficult right now and he feels the tension. He feels guilty and ashamed for what he's done. It's going to take some time for him to figure out how to repair your relationship and he's the one that has to do that....not you. He is the one that has to earn your trust back.

I would give him plenty of space and time. Continue as you have been. You have done nothing wrong, therefore, you need to continue to live your life as if and hope for the best. There is no guarantee if he will get himself together while he is on break now or if it won't happen after he lives for work again. But, in the meantime, try to enjoy what time you have together and do things w/your little one.

Dig deeper for patience and try to keep the focus on you and your little one.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank job.

After not sleeping well, releasing a bucket of tears & wailing into my pillow like a teenage girl, I felt ready to take on the day.

I was up at early, I guess he heard me. I ignored his 530am text (what are you doing? ...and another..It's my sisters bday today). D3 woke up, her and I cuddled then she went to him. I just lay in bed. When I did get up, I was upbeat & all business, as I had some tenant business to attend to. I continously kept my lips sealed & let him start conversations. I kept answers short. Always a smile. (I am happy he's there).

I got my morning coffee & upon exiting the kitchen HE initiated a hug. I was so not expecting that & luckily was able to put my scolding coffee down reciprocate appropriately. I was holding back a bit & he said, " What? That's a hug?" And he squeezed me tighter. It was long. Rocking gently, heads buried in each others shoulders. I wanted to pull away but just let him lead the way so he knew this way okay. I'm a hugger. I need touch. When he let go, he looked me straight in the eyes with the biggest happy/dumb smile. I smiled back, grabbed my coffee and went on to my business. I may have said, " That was nice".

H took charge of D3 while I did my thing. H called his sister for her birthday! THAT is HUGE! he's been ignoring family and is now opening back up to them. Very proud of him; I did mention during his confession that his family & friends care and have been deeply worried. H helped me set up some technical stuff I could of figured out. H was patient & walked me through everything.

We meet up with friends (A family of 7; grandparents adult kids our age x4 and 1 grandson D3s age), kids played, we all went to lunch. It was a really nice day.

H helped again with tech stuff & now we're all in our separate rooms napping..(I'm not lol).

Carrying on stronger. I've got THIS! Enjoy family time, and working as a team is all I ever wanted PLUS all the other lovely stuff. Giving space & time.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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CanBird Offline OP
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Journaling~ Still here. Standing & anxious, and playing it cool. Today was a total bust. Last night I locked my cell phone. Could not remember security code. Well, after 2am, and a lot of incorrect attemts, I let go, knowing I'd have to surrender & start freash. I would loss memories.

Before 6am, we all were up. I tried to remedy the situation security & was caught by H. Embassased, I sheepishly explain how it could of happened. It was a stupid mistake. H worked on it for 6hrs. Back & running.

H went out. D3 & I were napping, in our own rooms. I couldn't stand knowing his bags/personals were in the closet I snooped. Of couse I was hurt by what I found & had to remember the bigger picture and what I want.

I want my family. We're great as a family, we get along. And then there's the friends zone your living in. I need to GAL more. I took D3 out whild H got groceries. I was scared when H left. All these different senarios. As we were leaving I noticed I had H DL. Before I text, I see he has. Asked if I needed anything, got them & he made dinner. I didnt reply to text right away. Replied with little detail, just facts. He kept the conversation going. He even text that he returned home!?! He hasn' done that in a long time. Or just feels that way.

I noticed he was a bit moody. I know how to make him laugh still. D3 cracks him up too. We didnt really interact after dinner. I miss my friend. I just want to hang out. He was more engaged with his phone so I gave him space. H did share what he was doing, but didnt seem like he wanted to interacted. I

Being myself.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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job Offline
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Breathe! Your h is home for now and is living under the same roof w/you and your daughter. I realize it is a stressful situation, but you've got to relax just a bit because he's picking up on your anxiety big time. Your fear of him walking out and not returning is going to drive you nuts.

Can you try to look at him as a roommate for the time being? It's going to take a while for things to settle down and return to normal. As for him being moody, remember...we all have days like that. Maybe you are watching him too closely and trying to figure him out.

I can't stress enough that you need to keep the focus on you and your daughter and most of all breathe!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Can,

How tough this must be for you and it brought me back to all the times XH would visit after separation, we would talk, he was kind and friendly most times until the D

and I would wonder....all the time...does it mean something? what is he thinking?
I wanted so bad to keep my family at that time...so i get it

I think they are conflicted...they love us too..their kids,
but the pull to be free is strong
to pursue the fantasy life
How old is he?

You are doing great and you will have ups and downs too
snooping wont help but weve all done it-

Hang in

find maybe a new hobby you can pursue while he is home
something that excites you
art, music, take dance lesson, crafts, volunteering, gardening
anything that sparks you


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job
Breathe! Your h is home for now and is living under the same roof w/you and your daughter. I realize it is a stressful situation, but you've got to relax just a bit because he's picking up on your anxiety big time. Your fear of him walking out and not returning is going to drive you nuts.

Can you try to look at him as a roommate for the time being? It's going to take a while for things to settle down and return to normal. As for him being moody, remember...we all have days like that. Maybe you are watching him too closely and trying to figure him out.

I can't stress enough that you need to keep the focus on you and your daughter and most of all breathe!



Thanks Job. You're right. BREATHE!! I should be thankful that he's home & under our roof. It hasnt even been a week yet!. He thought I'd throw him out when he first got home. If I wasnt DB, the results may have been different. He's going to do what he wants regardless of my actions. It's good for us to be a family together as much as possible. Especially for D3.

I do try the room mate approch; he's already on the sofa, his bags are in our mstrbrm closet. (He could of put them in the den/office much closer to lvrm). Any way... I still have a crush on my room mate. And being without any physical connection for over 7 months!! has got my knickers in a twist. I can feel that energy when we are near each other. I need to transfer that into a safe activity!

D3 & I are starting our work week. That takes us away from home 3 days a week. Friday she'll be gone 8hrs to daycare. I'm trying to do Christmas activities when we can, and include H with no pressure.

Room mate, room mate. BREATHE!

Thanks Job


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Thank you Peace. I'll reply later.

Last edited by CanBird; 12/17/19 03:07 PM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
Can,

How tough this must be for you and it brought me back to all the times XH would visit after separation, we would talk, he was kind and friendly most times until the D

and I would wonder....all the time...does it mean something? what is he thinking?
I wanted so bad to keep my family at that time...so i get it

I think they are conflicted...they love us too..their kids,
but the pull to be free is strong
to pursue the fantasy life
How old is he?

You are doing great and you will have ups and downs too
snooping wont help but weve all done it-

Hang in

find maybe a new hobby you can pursue while he is home
something that excites you
art, music, take dance lesson, crafts, volunteering, gardening
anything that sparks you



Thank you Peace.

H is 42. This fantasy is in Europe. From his past. Snooping is done. It doesnt change anything, just stirs up all the BIG UGLY feelings again. When the opportunity comes up to snoop I now STOP myself and say it doesnt matter or act as if you're heading to R. (That's my goal, what I want.)

I stopped myself a few times yesterday from over analizing his actions. I need to focus more on me & D3. Give H his friendship space.

Yesterday was a good day. D3 & I went to work. H gets up with us (small house) helps with whatever. He's really being a great Daddy. He is & enjoys it; also sees the challenges that come with it & is handling it well. We parent well together.

While at work H text 7 times. H put D3s big girl bed together. Also had to take apart her crib. H did great. We communicated well. The mattress is an issue we're working on. I finished bed, he took D3 for a few hours. They ended up across the street with another family/neighbors. Kids playing. H text & called to see when Id be done. Then he called.

When I was done he said his friend wanted him to go out. H mentioned he saw him earlier; lives around the corner. I know him. I said Fun! That's great go! H replied, "Really?" Yeah, go, have fun. He got picked up and came home about 3 hrs later. I totally had to self talk myself to calm down. Different senaries played in my head. I STOPPED myself and had to repeat Act As If... it really helped.

He said hi when he got home. I was able to tidy while he was out. That felt good. I like a tidy home. I was ice, didnt ask a thing (normal Id ask friendly questions). I went to bed & didnt say anything.

Spent the evening doing a long night time routine, including self focusing on me. I feel great. Theres this shift, a good shift I can feel. Like all of a sudden this switch went off. A good vibration happening. Im going with it. Positive thinking.

Time to get up & start our routine. Love that my life has changes in it. My job. That goodness for that!


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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You are doing great! I wish I could untie you from the constant watching/waiting/trying but I totally get it. I am so glad you have lots of things to take your attention and help you GAL, including the job.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Originally Posted by Gerda
You are doing great! I wish I could untie you from the constant watching/waiting/trying but I totally get it. I am so glad you have lots of things to take your attention and help you GAL, including the job.


Thanks Gerda. I find hyper focusing on whatever I'm doing helps. It's horrible how it can consume your thoughts. A lot of self talk to say so what if he does that, who cares, does it matter?

I'm just into week 1 of having H back in the home after his "adventure". And thinking about that has to stop. It happened. And now he's here.


Last edited by CanBird; 12/19/19 08:25 AM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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