Thanks for checking in DS9. My court date is tomorrow and we do not have a final agreement yet. My L says at this point we are probably not going to get things finalized until after the holidays. He says we are just going to notify the judge that we are still working on it and we will get another court date in a few months. He thinks we can finalize a deal before then and file the papers with the court and not have to show up again - in an ideal world....we'll see. W's turnaround time has been very slow.
This may sound hard to believe but i'm really not nervous or concerned about the court stuff. Between my L and several friends who went through D's, I feel like I know what a judge would order if W doesn't agree to terms. There are no issues with abuse or parenting abilities or finances or anything, it is very straightforward so it should be easy for the judge. We already have a 50/50 custody agreement signed. All that's left are some specifics about certain holidays and school breaks and a few other things like introducing kids to new partners.
High anxiety often leads to behavior that is very destructive to a R - controlling, criticizing, nasty comments, aggression and anger, the list goes on. There is a guy who has a series of 4 or 5 youtube vids discussing an "anxious wife" that are really good. One of them nailed my W and my M perfectly, it was uncanny. I don't think i'm allowed to mention the guy's name here but maybe you can find the vids, they are a pretty good and would probably resonate with you. While I have enjoyed them and they have really helped in doing a post-mortem on my M. Most of us will have to deal with anxiety in a partner from time to time, but I will never EVER get linked up with a high-strung woman again, it is too much of a grind over the long haul.
As for dating all I can say is that I still feel ready but again that has not translated into action yet. I had a conversation with a female friend of mine about how most quality women are probably very wary of a guy who isn't even technically divorced yet. The fact that BD was over a year ago doesn't matter so much. They will have questions in their mind about it being too soon, about lingering feelings, about possible recon, etc. I said to my friend that if she were interested in a guy who had only been physically separated from his W for 4 months and he was still M'd, I would probably tell her to hold off until the D was done. So there's that perspective. I'm not going to overanalyze things though. I'm cool with where i'm at because I know it's going to be game on in the not-to-distant future.
Gekko, glad to hear you're taking the court proceedings in stride! That can really tear a person up, so you're really in a healthy place.
Based on my dating experiences before and after D, you are correct, many women will not go near a man who is still married no matter how long they've been separated. I heard quite a few stories about separated men dating while still clearly holding a torch for their W, and many of them ended up ditching the new GF to try and recon.
I had a conversation with a female friend of mine about how most quality women are probably very wary of a guy who isn't even technically divorced yet.
After the ink dries, there is still no need to rush into dating. Just keep putting yourself out there doing things you like and woman will be there. Enjoy interacting with every one of them. Let dating happen naturally. Woman will come and go through the process. Quality woman are also very wary if you haven't dated many other woman. I don't believe you will have any problems doing any of this. Enjoy the ride.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Pleasure mate. It could be W's anxiety too that is causing the slow turnaround with the legals? Anyway, good luck again with getting something resolved by consent. If you can avoid Court, all the better. Sounds like your L is referring to what we calling Oz an in Chambers application.
Is the dude on youtube's initials AK?
I never really thought it could be anxiety driving my XW's bossiness, impetuousness, look before you leap attitude, but it seems to be clicking into place. I'm going to explore all this and see what I can do to make things easier by understanding her more. It could be that all her bravado and brashness was really just covering an anxiety issue. I still struggle to connect that logic though, because it seems so counter-intuitive.
Knock em dead with the dating mate!
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Jumping back on board here and journaling for a minute:
DS9 - yes the guy's initials are AK. He really nails the anxiety thing better than I have seen anywhere else. As for your W, as I recall she was either abused or neglected by her parents? Maybe she developed her domineering personality as a survival trait, vowing not to submit to or rely on anyone else and always calling the shots? Your sitch seems more complicated also due to what I believe is a MLC? Hope you're hanging in there, I will read up when I have a minute.
As for me, a very nice holiday season, split time with the kids but saw them plenty, Santa was very good to all. Multiple holiday parties, some with the kids, lots of time with friends, it was beautiful. Happy to have made it through with no drama, the Xmas tree is down, and now I'm into a psychologically uplifting New Year. Every day of this year is going to have a special moment.
Still no response from W or her L on the settlement agreement. I've done all I can do at the moment. We went to court a few weeks ago and the L's asked to continue things for 60 days and the judge happily agreed. I want things finalized. I believe I will have a feeling of relief when the papers are signed and stamped by the judge. W probably will feel the same, not that I am thinking much about what she is thinking. It does not matter to me. Things are fine between us, we are co-parenting successfully which is all I care about. We're in business together. Zero communication about any subject that does not relate directly to the kids.
I have been out of IHS for 6 months and haven't been on a real date yet. Haven't tried. I felt like I was ready many months ago and have continued to say "in due time" and I think that still holds true. I'm just having thoughts but not much action. I did have a quick kiss at a bar with a long-time friend who is also divorced but that was alcohol-fueled and I have pulled back with her for the time being, although I am interested in her. There is also a girl in my neighborhood who is divorced and has been slowly escalating with me. We'll see. There are many women in my town and the surrounding towns that look great.
I suppose I am still focused on the kids, continuing to get the new house set up, work, friends, gym, travel, group nights out, etc etc. Living my life. I am in a good head space and have been for awhile. I am not at a point yet where I am overly concerned about my own lack of effort in the dating world. In due time, LOL....
Happy New Year everyone! This can be an incredible year of amazing new adventures and accomplishments - make it so!!!
Merry xmas and happy new year mate. Glad to hear the festive season went well for you.
Get your L to check up on her L and set a timeframe for them to respond. Response needs to be well before the Court date just in case there's further discussion needed before finalisation. Good luck - hope it settles!
As to dating, you will cross paths with the right woman at the right time, or, the next 'ultra alpha' woman in your life will approach and seduce you lol!
Yes, my XW was hit by her father and he was very aggressive. Her mother was not abusive but left her and her sister to their own devices, and didn't believe my XW when she told her of abuse by a 3rd party, or when her XH punched her. These are the things she told me. She would choke up, not reveal further, then immediately go back to normal, as if she didnt want to show weakness. She always spoke of 'freedom' and freedom from her parents. Yes, I thought MLC.
Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
After a nice period of time when texts from the W had slowed down, they have now picked back up again. However, with the passage of time I have become less irritated by them. I typically wait until 2 or 3 of her texts come in before responding to all of them with one quick to-the-point text. All business, all the time.
I have to disclose that I am just not attracted to the STBXW. She is very pretty, I doubt anyone would rank her lower than a 8 of 10, but her personality and all the past BS has turned me off to the point where I am just not feeling anything. This has helped immensely in moving on. Will I ever feel a flicker again? I don't know, maybe, who knows, but right now there is nothing there. I am loving my house and my life without W's constant negativity, critical commentary and controlling behavior, I can tell you that.
I think it was AnotherStander or possibly Ready2Change that said in another thread that in some sitches the LBS has actually checked out of the R too but the WAS just beat them to the BD. Something like that. I think that kind of describes my sitch, where I already had enough of W's BS years ago. I hung on for the kids sake and for mine too, so I would have full access to the kids every day. Then eventually I started to make an effort to turn things around in the MR, but W was done by then and would not participate in the rescue.
I would say my main worry as the D got underway was the kids wanting mommy more, and from time to time that has happened. If we are all out at an event, they sometimes want to go home with W even though they are supposed to be at my house. Sometimes there are tears. Let me tell you that shyt stings really bad. I get that kids have special R's with mom and depending on the circumstances W will take them sometimes. I would say far and away this has been the toughest part of my sitch so far. Thankfully it is not a constant occurrence, maybe an incident once every few months.
I will be seeing some of W's family at an event in a few weeks, I am expecting everything will be cool as I have always got along with them. Not a peep about the D or negative comment about W is coming from me that is for certain. It will be interesting to feel the vibe in the room. I'll have a smile and a genuine "how are things?" for them all.
I think it was AnotherStander or possibly Ready2Change that said in another thread that in some sitches the LBS has actually checked out of the R too but the WAS just beat them to the BD. Something like that. I think that kind of describes my sitch, where I already had enough of W's BS years ago. I hung on for the kids sake and for mine too, so I would have full access to the kids every day.
Yeah I do say that fairly regularly. It seems like in most marriages, over time both spouses tend to end up on autopilot. Things start out romantic and loving, but after careers get into full swing and kids come along then you end up spending all your time parenting and adulting and not spending enough time on the relationship. I think most marriages that survive for decades have two spouses that are willing to accept this state, but the M's that end up here typically have one spouse that is OK with the status quo and one that isn't.
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I get that kids have special R's with mom and depending on the circumstances W will take them sometimes. I would say far and away this has been the toughest part of my sitch so far.
Yeah that is a tough thing to go through for sure, and I think a lot of us would go through it regardless of what happened in our M. I had always heard that girls are close to their dads when they are young but their moms when they get older, and it certainly happened to me. It really hurt to see them push away from me, but it's part of growing up. I still have a great relationship with both of them, but for a few years there they didn't want to have much to do with me. Hopefully it will get better for you with time!
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Not a peep about the D or negative comment about W is coming from me that is for certain. It will be interesting to feel the vibe in the room. I'll have a smile and a genuine "how are things?" for them all.
Good, sounds like a great attitude to have going in!
On the legal front, my L has been hounding W's L for their position on the settlement agreement, and still nothing. At BD, W said she wanted D finalized in 6 months, and we are nearing the 16 month mark and she is dragging her feet. I've been around this forum long enough to know this is certainly not uncommon. I am weighing my options carefully at this point.
GAL activities continue to be abundant. Life is full and busy but I do have some built-in down time just for me which is important. Based on travels and kids activities and other planned events over the past month, I have not had time to crack into dating as of yet. I am not yet venturing into OLD so any dates will be initiated IRL. I feel like I have been ready for months now but that's just words and thoughts, not action. No worries really, I have never been one to press, but instead have always just lived my life, circulate out and about, and see what the Universe puts in my orbit. I'm okay with where I'm at right at the moment.
I'm as detached as I have ever been with W. It just keeps getting better. We have a lot of years ahead of us because of the two young kids we share. She's a good mom, not one of the ones that was taken over by aliens that I read about here so much, so for that I am fortunate. Always looking for silver linings I guess.
I told a friend last weekend that even if I could, I would not go back and not marry W because I have the kids now and I would never even think of undoing that and not having them. I'm glad I took the course I did because I have the kids as a result. Anything I could have done better in the M, I will do better in my next R. No dwelling on mistakes, just learning and growing and getting better, always getting better.
Great update man! I know you think your ready but you’re not for OLD. Get your first hookup out of the way. You’ll have always plenty of time in the future!
