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Hello lost

Our once known spouses do become the opposite of who they once were. They turn on the LBS and project upon them their anger and cruelty. It is very difficult at times to remember this has very little to do with you. He is suffering something emotional and very big, and lashing out at anyone who gets in his way.

The LBS rationally tries to figure things out, for a while. We are in such a state of pain, disbelief, and disorder, that when faced with such irrational behaviour from out spouse, it triggers our own irrational fears and doubts. Our beaten minds cannot rationally accept what is going on until we get our feet back under us. That is why - focus on you and the kids, is so very important.

You are so very important. The most important person in this whole situation.

Focus on you and the kids.

Protect you and the kids.

Ensure security for you and the kids.

Originally Posted by lost7
I found out on Christmas eve, he's on his 2nd relationship. When I confronted him (big mistake) he told me he didn't care about me anymore.I need to go dark on him except for parenting our children. I stood until he belittled me to almost suicide. I'm moving forward with divorce. I need to protect myself from him mentally and emotionally.

Yes, go dark!

You need to protect yourself mentally and emotionally.

Let your lawyer protect and get security financially.

I know how it feels, how it looks, to be at the brink of suicide. (((lost)))

Believe me, the darkness and ceaseless pain does not last forever. Honest!!!

Go no contact and have boundaries against H’s belittling and emotional assault. You will get through this.

Ask anything you want. Tell me anything you want. I am a pretty open guy and have long ago shed the shame I felt from my suicidal thoughts. There is a needless and very incorrect stigma attached to mental anguish and thoughts of suicide. You need not bear that cross. And I know just how hard it is to put that cross down.

Seriously lost, it does get so much better.

Focus on you and the kids.

I, we, all care about you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Lost

You are making wise decisions
You H is not well and will most likely get worse in time if he continues this course
they will have relationships as part of the running from their pain

He is hurtful to you but remember it is him...he is not well maybe in crises, maybe narcisist or just an alcoholic

Try not to listen to other people as everyone has an opinion and they are just guessing
No one can really know
This is MOST LIKELY a person with unresolved childhood issues ...that was never your fault
and there is no way around those issues....they will be with him in every relationship going forward


This is not your fault and you can move on and create a better life for you and your kids
one day at a time
One foot in front of the other
keep going...you will get stronger daily


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
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Lost - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your H is a Sex Addict. He gaslights you into thinking it’s your fault because he doesn’t want to face his addiction. He’s not (necessarily) a narcissist and not in midlife crisis (although he may also be running from the responsibility of raising an autistic child).

This is not. about. you. Seriously - I’ve been here many years and seen it all. Men who just aren’t in love anymore and want out if their marriages don’t attempt suicide when their Ashley Madison accounts are discovered. They also don’t usually meet strange women in parks for hookups. They just have garden variety affairs with coworkers or neighbors or old girlfriends most of the time. YOUR H has an addiction and his actions - and your reactions - will be different.

Also, as long as he’s not willing to seek treatment for his addiction and continues to gaslight you, there’s no recovery in sight. Given that, you need to put your efforts towards a future for you and your children. Like I said before, you can look up and give him the info on 12 step Sex Addiction meetings in your area but after that the ball is entirely in his court, and the odds of him seeking help and getting better are slim.

Let go or be dragged. I know you miss the guy you thought you were married to. My guess is that there was a lot more going on throughout your marriage that you didn’t know about.

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My Stbxh and I just had our first court mediation this past Thursday. We sat waiting together for 7 hours...how fun. (insert sarcasm) He told me during this waiting time of how little he'd have to pay me for child support as it slows down in the winter time and how I'd have to get over that, blah, blah. I was going for full physical custody because well, he has no place to live of his own and there needed to be a physical guardian. He randomly says "It's not what I want, but if you went for legal custody too, I wouldn't fight you" He is thinking of taking off cross country because I am robbing him blind for child support. Are you kidding me?!?!?! It's like he no longer cares for any of us in any capacity. I told him no longer how we are doing, his kids need their father. He said I did all the raising, I can keep doing it. I got way more child support then he was counting on and I got full physical custody and we got joint legal custody. If all is agreed upon, we will be divorced by May 11th. I had tears in my eyes and my H says "Great lets fill the paperwork out this weekend." The mediator looked at him in disbelief and said "dude you have until May, give her a break" I just don't understand any of this. He's running away.

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I would reconsider his offer for full legal custody before the write-up. If you have both, it doesn't mean he can't see the kids, it will just be at your discretion and you won't have to deal with ridiculous arguments with someone looking to hurt you and cause you problems. Also, you may not have the same limitations on moving, schools, having to consult with him, etc. Talk to your lawyer. It sounds like he doesn't care and it would save you stress in the future. Yours is so nasty (at least now) that the less you have to deal with him the better.

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