Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
H
Hamburg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825219&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825222

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2834885#Post2834885  

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846180#Post2846180  

Prior threads,

At the end of last thread, W had stalled signing papers, and is still thinking about things.

Since then W and I have had a few phone conversations and they have gone well. She ended R with OM ad began to tell me a list of his faults and why it just did not work out--something she denied so strongly in the past. Kids counselor noticed they have been better this week and they told her it's due to OM not being around.

She is curious about my R and asking many questions. I answered some but kept others to myself. W told me she missed having a family, now regrets the split custody agreement and said I am free to take them back to her if I get tired or fatigued. I declined. W also mentioned she would like co-parenting sessions with she and I to address the future. She also mentioned counseling for us to discuss the past and possibly future between us, but I declined. She has also began reconnecting with family.

She does not miss me but misses the family and having me around for the kids. I am not missed due to "vindictive" behaviors and she continues to throw soft daggers at me. At one point, she asked me why I filed for divorce. This was 1.5 years ago and I cannot imagine why she is bringing it up now.

So it seems she has some clarity. But she continues to blame me for many things and says I must enjoy her suffering. This is far from the truth. I do not know what the future brings but I am hopeful she can restore relationships with everyone, especially our children.

I am in a stable R and hope it moves forward in a strong fashion. W seems to be interested in it and has met with GFs ex husband, after he basically stalked her. She admitted unloading information about our D and how much of a monster I am/was. Not sure what GFs ex will do with it but we are prepared.

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Might be worth having some co parenting sessions with her to make sure she is being a responsible parent and keep doors open and civil especially for the kids
maybe some of her past actions will come out for resolution

I would guess she wants you back under her thumb and has not really done much work on herself except dumped the loser.


I would also wonder if you don't get back with her if she will opt for therapy and help or find another OM.

She is reconnecting, but this seems like a fast MLC
Im sure its possible, but without her getting help..I would wonder is it real recovery


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
H
Hamburg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
I am absolutely doing JC with regards to the kids. My hopes are we can keep it civil from here on out.

She avoided stating to wanting me back but said she missed the family and wishes the kids could have us both around. She also wants to keep things "equitable" between the households.....bed time, snack time, activities etc... she has stated several times I should end my R due to GFs ex
Kids clearly enjoy time with me and I'm sure W cannot stand it.

She claims to be in IC and says it is helping.

Part of me is selfish.....it was so easy to watch R with OM fall apart. The thought of her with a "normal" person is somewhat scary. I'm not sure why. I just hope there is not several OM introduced to the kids.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
She thinks she wants you back. Doesn’t mean she’s serious - but she’s seeing the consequences of her actions, including losing you and another woman being involved in her kids’ lives and it’s freaking her out.

It’s not unusual for the WAS to want us to be waiting on the shelf as their Plan B in case things don’t work out with the OP, and to suddenly get interested when the LBS moves on.

Question for you - would you be interested in reconciliation if you weren’t with new GF?

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
H
Hamburg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
Yes I agree. She tells me on a daily basis how I need to distance myself due to GFs psychopathic ex.

I think the healing process has begun but she is a long way from a finish line.

On our phone conversations, W has stated that she thinks I want her back. When I asked how she felt, she said "not at this point."

I told her I am moving on with my life and if she gets to a point of interest to let me know, and that I won't be chasing her around like I had done in the past. She then admitted that she missed me.

I am in an incredible R with a wonderful woman. Her ex is a sadistic narcissist and has caused many problems in levels i never imagined. It is tiring and I don't know how much more I can take. Perhaps this is a good point to do some soul searching?

Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by kml
Question for you - would you be interested in reconciliation if you weren’t with new GF?


I was going to ask the same question! Though the way you write about it, it sure looks like you would be but you are scared to imagine starting that long road.

Originally Posted by Hamburg
Her ex is a sadistic narcissist and has caused many problems in levels i never imagined. It is tiring and I don't know how much more I can take. Perhaps this is a good point to do some soul searching?


You are a doctor and know a lot about statistics and prognoses. The rate of divorce for a second marriage is extremely high. I know now more than ever that we marry our spouse's past as well as his/her family. You'd be marrying a new spouse's past, her family, AND many years to come of problems with her ex. If you are already tired 8 months in, soul searching sounds like a great idea.

Maybe Hamburg solo (Hamb Solo?) would be a good path to take for a while. You will be able to see things more clearly if you are coming from a place of reflection and peace instead of feeling like you are choosing between two women.

Also -- if you know your wife is in MLC, I don't understand why you keep being surprised that she is confused or contradicts herself or says she doesn't want to be with you and then implies she misses you. It seems like your W is pretty much following the script.

Last edited by Gerda; 12/19/19 04:53 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
H
Hamburg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
Hello guys. That first question is tough to answer. I do not know how I would feel if my current R never happened/were over. I had checkpoints along the way and it has been quite a while since I told myself I would accept her back (of course, with months-years of counseling and cooperation). I know W is hurting. I don't know how we would overcome the things that were said, actions, the lies, damage to the children, families, etc... I understand W is in a world of hurt. One thing I always told myself was that she made conscious decisions along the way, regardless of her mental issues. So I can answer that in my current situation, I would not go back. I do not know how to answer if things were different.

The healing process seems to be starting, as I have seen a month of consistent behaviors/actions from W. The daggers a slowing, she cooperates with the kids, dipping her toes with family reconnection. At last conversation, W said she is not ready to commit to reconciling the marriage "at this point" , wants to remain single for some time and think about things. Romantic R with OM is supposedly over and he occasionally comes around as a "friend." I assume he is being put on a shelf as plan B. The kids have corroborated this with the counselor. I know it will be a loooooong road, and I hope whatever clarity visible this past month will stick and grow. It is also, perhaps coincidental, that she is not in good financial shape, the kids are starting to speak up and the drama has been at a lull for several months. So I guess the dust is settling and things are not as shiny as she thought.

I understand the issues with GFs ex. We are exclusive with each other but taking things slowly with moving forward. We are open and honest with each other and it is healthy. I cannot exit a R due to an ex. If things get worse, I would give that consideration though.

I am keeping my guard up with all of this stuff and being cautious, particularly with W.

Thanks

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
H

Sorry that you have so many obstacles..

I would trust yourself to know which way is best for you.

Im glad to hear your W is making a shift..It is rare we see a MLCer get to the other side, Im sure many do, but maybe posters dont update..

so this is hopeful at least for her and your kids
I hope she continues to thrive and for you...
no matter what the situation with your W..you may want to encourage this and buiid a solid coparenting
friendship and help her along the way especially if she is in therapy and trying to work her issues out

leave the outcome to a higher source...

good luck


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Merry Christmas Hamburg


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
H
Hamburg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
Christmas was a good day overall. Got the kids in the afternoon and had a chat with W for a bit. She brought some homemade goodies for all of us to enjoy. While chatting, she opened up that she and OM are now back together and she knows its "not what I want to hear." He is again amazing and she wants me to be nice to him. I really do not care about it though, and I am certainly not going to be nice if I encounter him again. She inquired a bit about my R and I said it was going strong despite setbacks from GFs ex. She began to cry and told me to think of the kids, and thinks they are in danger--which is not true. She does not want me to be in a R. She questioned more about past romantic escapades of mine and I said it was none of her business. I also told her I had no interest in having her back in my life romantically. She replied with a smug "yeah, right... you know that's not true."

She called her parents and it was the first time they spoke in months. Kids told her we were going to visit them this week and I was getting many questions about it--mainly about why we are keeping it secret from her. She said it would strain her relationship with her parents if we go again. I informed her that is not the case and we are going later this week.

So, feels like this was a touch and go, coupled with the stress of the holidays. I thought it may be.

At the end of the conversation I called a truce and asked for no more BS. She said all the bad stuff was my fault and the truce would be on my shoulders only. I don't know why I expected anything differently.

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard