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Hey Yail,

Originally Posted by Yail
I have come into myself this past year in way that I never foresaw. I didn't know there were these parts of me missing


I don't think we ever know who we are until we are forced to examine it. We all 'fall' into things. Relationships, jobs, homes and one day we realise that we have not really made a conscious choice in years, and who we were when we started, is so far from who we are now. It's like a house, you fill it with things you think you need and it gets fuller and fuller, and you look around one day and say 'this is me'. Then there's some sort of catastrophe, an earthquake, which shakes the house to its very foundation, and you wake up shattered and alone, surrounded by memories you no longer trust (they do a good job of destroying those in their eagerness to escape), and all your broken hopes and dreams.

But once you start to heal, you can start sorting, the good from the bad, the truth (your truth) from the lies that you told yourself. I cannot move on. I am stuck in no-mans land. He does not push for a D. He does not want to have the R conversation. But you can. She has given you the gift of a fresh start.

I am with you no the lamenting the lack of a sex life. But I think it's all about opportunity and inclination. You have to make the opportunities (and I think you are), but you can't fake inclination. You aren't ready. One day you will be. Just keep yourself out there. Enjoy yourself whilst you're out. No expectations right. Mrs Yail will come along. And until she does, you are meeting new people, hearing their stories, and making new memories of your own.

Congrats on scheduling the tattoo. I wish we could post photos.


W40 (me), H40
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D12, D9

BD Oct 17
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Hey FS.

I'm sorry you feel stuck in no-mans land. Are you really? Perhaps it is perception. Your H is in no-mans land, but you as an individual do have choices. You can leave and you can initiate D. You are choosing not to and that is a valid choice. It may be the hardest choice. You are a strong woman FS.

In a lot of ways my sitch is "easier" than others here. My W cut and run rather quickly, with NC. We don't have children, and the specifics of our D were pretty cut and dry. If I were to speculate, I believe she feels this is the kindest. She may be correct.

The great irony, of course, is I have become the person she wanted all along. A person engaged with life, not content to sit at home and play house. Curious what's around the corner, and up for an adventure and making my own decisions. I'm not sure why I couldn't be that person before, but I am discovering it now. If I had any regrets, it is that I did not know how to find this person sooner. My other regret being that I wasn't willing to fight out of fear of the results. I'm finding these to be two huge lessons.

I'm not looking back quite as much these days. The lessons I'm continuing to learn are less about the relationship - there were a lot of lessons in that - but in what it means to be an authentic Yail.

*****

"Opportunity & Inclination" is an interesting way to view my future sex life. You've hit on something here because you're correct there are those two pieces to the puzzle. You're correct that I am building the opportunities. I'm meeting new folks, making a social life, and very consciously choosing to spend more time with lesbian friends. I've found my lack of lesbian friends to be a great hole in my life and I feel so much more visible & heard when I have a chance to connect with them. It's subtle and it's hard to explain, but I think it is validating to see yourself reflected in folks around you. I don't feel lonely anymore.

I'm not sure if I agree with the inclination piece. I do feel I'm ready - or close to it - for the physical piece only. I have no desire for a relationship now. Or at least not a serious one. A bit of flirting sounds very fun, and a casual thing is on my mind. But I'm a long time from seeking a serious R, it doesn't interest me at all. I don't care about dinner dates or needing to plan a life together. I have too much to build and can't afford to become complacent or distracted.

That's an interesting place for me to be in, since I've always been someone who does things "by the book". I've always been in a monogamous R before any intimacy happens. Now I don't care. I'm a big girl, I know how to be safe with my body and my heart. I like that I'm questioning my own assumptions, even if I'm not sure where it will lead me.

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Opportunity and Inclination is actually a repurposed line from Pride and Prejudice. There are a lot more men in my industry and it's known for its drinking/sexist culture. Whenever I went out (which was rare) for drinks/dinner with work my H would always make some snide comment about how men only want one thing and I should be careful with the way I talked/dress/acted. I would respond with "opportunity and inclination" and as I had no inclination, all the opportunity in the world didn't make an iota of difference. I took this as controlling and a lack of trust. In retrospect, it was all these things, but it was also love. He loved me and I belittled him.

Anyway, the thing with inclination is it isn't a conscious thing. You don't go out saying "I am now inclined to ...". You just are or you aren't. Like you, I tend to say yes to all social invites. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I don't want to say yes, would rather sit at home and watch Netflix, but I say yes anyway with the intention of having a good time. If I happen to meet someone (and sometimes I do) I will go with it. But I haven't met anyone who makes my heart skip a beat. I always find something not quite right. I know if it was right, and I was ready, then I would find these things charming and not annoying. That is all I am saying. That when it's right you will know. Be open to the opportunities but do not force the inclination because of culturally accepted notion of completeness or your own feelings of loneliness. You are enough. With or without someone, you are enough Yail.

Go out, have fun. Be open to new ideas and new experiences. The road will take you where it takes you.

Oh, and Do no harm. Take no sh!t.


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Next embroidery/cross stich project:

"Do no harm.
Take no [censored]"

and hang it in my apartment. Maybe in the bathroom next to my mirror as a daily reminder while getting ready?

I think this needs to happen over my winter break :-D


I so wish I could send one to you FS!!!! That is my imaginary holiday gift to you. We can pretend we have a matching set.

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I would love one of those samplers too. What a great motto!

I've not been here in a while but it's great to catch up with you Yail, and FS - and hear about what you've both been up to.

All the best for Christmas and 2020!

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I have this overwhelming urge to write, which I believe has something to do with it being the end of the year. It's a reflective time.

I've shared with my work team that this will be my "Year of Risks", so I guess I'm committed to it now.

Last year's Year of Yes was good for me. Looking back at my list it has certainly guided me, though I haven't completed most in a literal sense.

I do have the tattoo appointment, so that's a "check" on the list. I bought cigarettes, smelled them, and nearly was sick. That was a half-hearted attempt at something I don't need.

"Farm. Garden." I guess I succeeded when I chose to run away to Italy to farm my butt off. "Get strangers to flirt with me". Yeah..going not bad! I'm feeling super confident, and have folks flirting with me. They're not available for dating but open to friendly flirting and it feels pretty great to have the attention.

A few of my favorites. I think I do better with guiding principles than specific goals.

****************

So, a Year of Risks. This one might be tougher to identify ideas for. But a few have turned about in my mind.

*Write 2 minutes of stand-up/improv. MAYBE try to perform at open mic. I've been super inspired by some local comedians in my area and I know I'm pretty funny when I put my mind to it.

*Clothing Risk: Put my body out there. I dress nicely but conservatively. If I'm going out to a club, why not show it a touch? I can still be classy and sexy.

*Flirting with new folks. This is hard for me. I'll have to put myself out there.

*Look ahead towards new housing. Will I continue to rent, or share housing, or buy, or find a farm? Making this decision is terrifying to me, and feels like a risk.

*Continue learning to farm.



I need more ideas. But for now, I'm trying to be proud of what I accomplished last year. It was a lot, and it still sometimes doesn't feel like enough. I just have a never ending thirst for "more".

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Yail,

I finally finished reading your sitch from start to finish. I don't remember what drew me to open your thread, but I did, and wow (you're amazing). I didn't think there were any other lesbians on this forum and it felt so good to read your journey and feel that connection to someone else that has experienced the social dynamic that is being a queer woman. I have been so inspired and impressed by your strength of character and grace in handling everything that your ww has thrown at you. Kudos on setting goals and climbing your way out of the trenches. I just wanted to stop by and drop a line and let you know that you have so many people cheering for you. Also, thank you for journaling your path as it has impacted me and given me hope as I can see a lot of my faults (and dreams) in your growth. I manage two very large, successful veterinary clinics and let me just say - goats are awesome! When my high school sweetheart left me after 8 years together (this was years ago, in my early twenties), I moved to Spain for 6 months because I didn't want to heal on the same continent as her HAHA! I totally understand the desire to travel and push yourself far outside of your comfort zone. I do hope you continue to write and share.

Kristin


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
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Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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KG (can I call you KG? I tend to abbreviate people's names!) thank you for your note! Wow, it really makes me so happy that you stopped by and identified yourself here as a queer woman. Is that your preferred identity? I identify as lesbian and/or queer (and use "she/her" pronouns).

There aren't many of us, honestly. I've nearly left for that very reason. But you need to talk through this process and that need overrode my anger at a few posters. I would definitely recommend reading some of Wonka's old threads. She was a long time poster and her earliest stuff was purged, but you can find her Validation thread at the top of the forum, and find her personal threads from there. She isn't here anymore but her documented history kept me sane. Very rational, very positive, very gay :-D

I haven't read your threads, but I will try to soon. I was spending less time here for a while - my life really is becoming fuller and I'm starting to not think about this stuff quite so much. My advice is that when that happens - let it. Take the break. If you're living your life and find yourself not thinking about WW don't feel guilty and pull yourself back due to some weird feeling of obligation, or that you "should" be sad. Take the release as it comes (trust me, the sadness will return when it feels like it). The end of the calendar year and the holidays has me reflective, along with the fact my D is nearly final. So I'm feeling the need to be back for a while.

Stay focused on your goals, whatever they are. Make sure one of them is healing properly. Take the time to do that and don't just run out and GAL with all your energy.

Not that you asked for my advice, but there it is. I'll come visit you on your thread in the next few days or so. Until then, be well.

***********
Random musings because Yail is feeling reflective (ie Journaling):

**********
Time and space gives clarity. I mostly feel forgiving towards XW. Mostly. I see how she wanted something other than what we were, and needed to be harsh to pull herself away and leave. I can not fault her for wanting a different life if that's what was truly calling her. That part I see. The affair however infuriates and sickens me. Our relationship was very clearly defined as a monogamous one, and she had previously been disgusted by the idea of ever cheating. Eff you, XW. Seriously. I thought I was going insane the summer of 2018 when she was having her EA, that I was somehow the crazy one. Sometimes I wonder if I should forgive her, and my gut just recoils and says, "no. You can't forget, so how can you forgive?". But then I read the quote "Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past" and that helps me. It reframes forgiveness to something I understand. It's truly not condoning her behavior, or even understanding it.

Sometimes I talk to myself in my head. "I should have been 'done' when she told me it was inappropriate that I - her WIFE - kiss her good morning." "I should have been 'done' when I found someone else's underwear in our sheets". "I should have been 'done' when she was unapologetic as I confronted her about her affair" "I should have been 'done' when...."

But I wasn't done. Not for a long, long time after that. Am I now? I'm not sure. Perhaps "done" isn't the barometer I should be measuring by. I just know that even when I was being disrespected I still actively loved her. For a long time.

I don't know how I feel about her now, and that's probably because I don't know her. I know I miss her sometimes. That's all I really know.

************
My greatest stress these days is money. My apartment is too much for my budget, and I'm trying to figure out how I can buy a house (mortgage would be cheaper, but I don't have a full down payment). I can't get what I really want, which is a small property with land for goats. This is a pretty big disappointment, but I just need to work on a plan on how I get to that point. Being a single wage earner is tough. I'm a bit annoyed that XW is making over $100K in her new job and is (I suspect) in a two income household. She always wasted money on [censored] too. Disposable [censored]. Crappy furniture, as an example. I much prefer fewer items that are high quality that I'll have for a lifetime.

I'm proud of myself in my lifestyle. It's authentic to me, and I feel much happier in it. It's not a serious struggle - I have enough food to eat, I can have a restrained social life - but it's a very conscious lifestyle. I have every dollar budgeted and I'm dipping into savings a bit unfortunately. I'm working on how to either get a second job or revamp the budget. It's already very, very lean aside from the funds I'm trying to dump into retirement. I was a late saver due to my job choices, so I'm determined to play catch up.

I'm hopeful 2020 will bring me a slight boost in my financial realm.

**********

Today was our Christmas celebration with my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma). I truly love my family. I'm the oldest of the cousins, and the youngest is probably about 26 or so. Most are engaged, long-term partnered, or married. I'm currently the only single one.

I love my family for accepting my XW into the family with open arms, and quietly releasing her just as smoothly. they don't ask about her, as it's still fresh. But they also don't give me those pitying looks. They just ask how I'm doing, take me at my word, and celebrate the season with me.

It's hard to sit there with my happy cousins. I'm so desperately, honestly proud of them and happy for them as they buy houses, get engaged, and sit with their honeys. I feel comfortable enough in my skin around my family to not feel awkward at being alone. But it was still hard to not have W there with me, relaxing with a bit too much wine and sweets, passing gifts to grandma. I was trying to determine if I missed her as a person, or her as an idea. Do I miss being partnered? In that moment, yes. Not in my every day life. But I can't identify how much of my ache is missing her as the woman she was vs the idea of being "settled". It's a strange part of the journey.


**********
I joke with friends about dating, and how I have to get out there. But it's a joke - I don't want to. But it has me realizing that my heart is both hardened and softened in the past year. I'm more forgiving, more extroverted, more generous and engaged with life around me. The change is remarkable. That part of me has softened. But the idea of letting a single person in to my life in a romantic/partnered sense has me at a full "No." response. I just don't want it. I want to be by myself. I feel hardened against it. It's not that I simply don't feel ready - I feel cold about the idea. I'm hoping it's part of the healing process.

Which isn't to say I don't want the flirting or the physical. I'm feeling and acting very flirty with a couple women (both straight and gay) and would love to meet someone I could share a respectful casual physical relationship with. I honestly think I'm in a place where I could do the FWB thing. I could respectfully be their friend and not let them in to my heart too deep. That's a weird feeling for me too.

*********

All this to say, I feel like I'm in another new phase. I'm in a bit of a letting go phase. We'll see what's next, but I'm enjoying the quiet feeling.

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Yail - what a wonderful and inspiring post. I am glad you did not leave. This community needs different perspectives. There is the odd bit of misogyny advocated here and there. But I do think that sometimes people (men) need to hear that in order to help them heal. Do you remember Burned? He needed to hear it. We talk about female empowerment, perhaps it is the same. I don't much care for the 'no more mister nice guy / show her who's boss' quotes and tbt it makes the hairs on my neck stand up, but I do understand how it can motivate people to get out of their funk and take back control of their lives.

Anyway, again, I'm glad you're here. Your support has been invaluable to me.

Originally Posted by Yail
I see how she wanted something other than what we were, and needed to be harsh to pull herself away and leave.


Understanding this is the road to forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't about the other person. You rarely see STBXW so how could she doesn't know whether you forgive her or not. Forgiveness is about you. Because once you forgive, the voices in your head will stop focusing on the past and start to look towards a more fulfilling future. You stop focusing on what you don't have or what you lost.

You may not know it, but you are there Yail. Apart from the occasional voice in your head, you have let her go and you are looking towards a great future.

Have you thought about doing some casual work - maybe working in a bar or cafe at night? This is so different from what (I imagine) you do that it may awaken a different part of your brain. Once that doesn't analyse so much. One that is more live in the moment. Two birds with one stone - more money and meet/flirt with new people.

Last edited by FlySolo; 12/22/19 09:42 AM.

W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
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BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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Actually, I just remembered the slightly tipsy drank too much Yail post from long ago.

I'm glad you're here to balance those views out and I am proud to be your virtual friend.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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