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#2876449 12/17/19 07:02 AM
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funbun Offline OP
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Hello, I am new to this site and have been reading around for two weeks now. Like most people in this site, I have problems of my own and I figured it's time I get help. So please, hear my story.

I am 28 and W is 30. Recently married. Just as we were about to start our new life together, five days after our wedding, W asked me to let her go and wanted a divorce. It has been about 3 weeks since then.

Let me try to explain everything chronologically starting from the wedding day.

There was nothing wrong with the wedding. It was a joyous day and we both enjoyed it. She cried a bit throughout the wedding but she told me it was because she was feeling overwhelmed with everything that was happening. I believed this is normal.

The first four days after the wedding were blissful. We were both loving and happy with each other. Except for one thing: She cried every morning. According to her at the time, the reason why she cried was because she is not used to being married, the changes scare her and she is not used to leaving her family behind to start a life with me. At the time, I managed to console her.

However, things got worse on the fifth day: the day we left for our honeymoon. She was feeling down the whole day and had no appetite to eat. When we left her house (we were staying with her side of the family), she cried. When we reached the hotel and finally entered our room she instantly broke down and cried. She said she misses her family, she miss being single and she is scared. I spent basically two days of our honeymoon in our hotel room trying to console her.

She eventually managed to figure out why she was feeling depressed. Basically she told me that she missed having the carefree single life and wouldn’t let that go. She was also scared that married life would not make her happy. She was worried that because she won’t be happy, I wouldn’t be happy and that I would be better off with someone else. She told me that she had doubts about the relationship and the wedding early on but didn’t have the courage to bring it up. She just went through with the wedding because she believed in “fate” and had a “if this is what god has decided for me then it will be good for me” kind of mentality. We’re both Muslims and she’s quite religious. She said after the wedding she should be feeling happy and content but she was not and that there must be something wrong. In the end she felt like she is broken and concluded with “I am not ready to be married”. Of course, hearing all this I was devastated and tried to talk her into staying married but she refused to change her decision.

The honeymoon had to be cut short and we had to go back home (we don’t have our own place yet and we’re staying at my in law’s place). I thought she had a form of homesickness and returning home would make her feel better, but it didn’t. Now she’s cold and distant. Everything I did or said seemed to annoy her. She feels stressed and depressed with everything. She’s still set on wanting to not be married.

A few weeks have passed since then, she’s less angry now but still cold and distant towards me. She said she still cares about me and she still looks after me; prepared my food and washed my clothes. When asked if she still loves me, she said she feels nothing towards me. I stopped talking about the relationship / marriage with her because her answer was still the same and talking about it only hurts me more. At the moment, I am just trying to give her space and be patient. Trying to not get angry when she treats me apathetically. Trying GAL. Trying to detach. Hoping she would get around. Time will heal her or something like that. We are seeing a marriage counselor but the counseling seemed to be focused on our individual goals and not necessarily focusing on fixing the marriage which is also making me worried.

So here I am. Seeking advice from this BB on what to do. Everything feels so sudden. I feel lost and confused. I should be starting and readjusting to a new life right now but it feels like all of that is on hold and that I am in a limbo. Is a case like this common? I am considering on separating with W for a few weeks, to give her some space and perhaps with the tension gone she will be able to think things through better. Is this a good idea?


M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
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I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please read all of the links.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D33,S32


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi FunBun - sorry for the hard time that you're going through.

How were things before you were married? As your wife is very religious, did you have a short engagement? I ask this delicately - and there's no need to answer if you don't want to - was the sexual relationship something you saved for marriage and do think this might have been a shock to her? Is she able to confide in her sister or mother or an aunt?

I come from a different background to you, and I am no longer a follower of the religion I grew up in, but if your wife had a similar upbringing to me, it is a possibility she was unprepared for a sexual relationship and that this has been - no matter how gentle and considerate you've been - a shock to her.

I would act in loving ways and give her space for the time being. Did you have any pre-marriage counselling and if so, can you ask the person who counselled you if he/she would be willing to see you again?

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FunBun, sorry to hear you're going through this during what should be a happy time. I'm newer to the site as well and you are in a good spot to receive some wise advice from veteran DBers.

Sounds smart that you are working on GAL and detaching. I did want to share, when I got married 5 years ago, I went through a brief time where a part of me felt down about the change. I remember leaving the house and crying as if I was mourning my old life. I loved my H and was happy to be married, but a part of me was sad. I researched it at the time and found it to be a common period of transition where a person can go through depression.

My H also started with a period of depression and anxiety which lead to the BD over the summer. I keep reminding myself that my motivation for giving him space and GAL is to give him the chance to see I'm not/our marriage isn't what's causing his depression.

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Funbun, a few questions for reference:

1) Is this an arranged marriage?
2) (If too personal, just tell me) Did you both consummate the marriage (IE have sex after the wedding)?
3) Were you two having sex before you were married?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Hello and welcome to the forums! Very sorry to read your story, this is a tough one.

Originally Posted by funbun
Is a case like this common?


I've been here a long time and the only situation I can think of that was even remotely similar is one where the WAS wanted out after being together a few years and married about 6 months. I've never heard of a sitch where the W wanted out immediately after the wedding, that is very unusual. How long did you date before getting married?

Quote
I am considering on separating with W for a few weeks, to give her some space and perhaps with the tension gone she will be able to think things through better. Is this a good idea?


Yes, definitely. It seems pretty clear she doesn't want to be around you right now, so giving her some space would be prudent. Don't call it a "separation", just tell her you are going to give her some space while both of you think things over.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by funbun
I am 28 and W is 30. Recently married....five days after our wedding, W asked me to let her go and wanted a divorce. It has been about 3 weeks since then.....Is a case like this common?
Not common here.

I had the same questions as AS and Steve.



What ever is going on with W, you can't control. You can just listen and validate her feelings and understand her. Most guys don't get this. Most guys do it wrong. Learn this now. Change the way you "Talk" to her.

You can also control how you interact and behave. Lean about attraction. Learn about seduction. Understand the difference.


This goes against my standard recommendation, but you should CONSIDER speaking with her father for insight. I am not saying do this, but he may have thoughts and wisdom for you.







"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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funbun Offline OP
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So a bit of background information. We’ve been together for almost two years now. Our relationship can be described as one sided. Out of the two of us, I am the more romantic person and have no problems expressing my affection. My partner on the other hand can be described as “hot and cold” when it comes to the relationship. Some days she is warm and affectionate but then other days she is cold and distant. Because of this, whenever she is cold, I often bring it up and asked for her to be more affectionate. It often didn’t go well because she’ll get upset and shut herself down. We argued about once a week. However, we always managed to reconcile and reach some sort of compromise. But the same pattern kept happening: she becomes cold, I’d get upset and talk to her about it, then she gets upset, then we reconciled, she becomes warmer for a while and then goes back to her earlier behaviour. Over time I sort of realized that what I was doing was that I was trying to am trying to change her and that is bad and so I tried to accept her as she is. Hoping once we’re married everything will be better (she explained to me that she can only show 100% of her affection once we’re married. I took it as us being muslims and therefore are not allowed to be physically intimate unless married).

To be honest, after the wedding everything was fine. We were both loving and I was content with everything. The first few days were blissful. It baffles me how she broke down and gave up on everything just like that. I too had doubts about the relationship prior to the wedding but I had a strong belief that we can make it work. I do not understand why she couldn’t give the marriage a chance. We have a whole life ahead of us and plenty of time to work things through. I don’t understand why she’d given up and wanted out.


M: 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 130
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funbun Offline OP
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Thank you everyone for your kind response.

Originally Posted by AlisonUK
As your wife is very religious, did you have a short engagement? Was the sexual relationship something you saved for marriage and do think this might have been a shock to her? Did you have any pre-marriage counselling?


We were engaged for about ten months. As we are both Muslims, we avoided any sort of physical intimacy since the act is considered sinful in our religion. Yes, we had sex after the wedding, it was a bit awkward for both of us (we both understood and expected this) but we were both considerate and loving during the act. I asked her about it and she said she didn't have any problems with the sexual part of our marriage.

Originally Posted by Rosy10
I went through a brief time where a part of me felt down about the change. I remember leaving the house and crying as if I was mourning my old life. I loved my H and was happy to be married, but a part of me was sad. I researched it at the time and found it to be a common period of transition where a person can go through depression.


Yes, I did a bit of research on it as well. It might be something called 'Wedding Depression'. I suspect W might be going through something similar, though her's might be a more extreme version of it. How long did it take for you to get out of it? And what helped you go through?


Originally Posted by Steve85
Is this an arranged marriage?


It is not. We were friends for a year. I asked her out. Dated for another year. Then I proposed to her and she said "yes". She was very happy at the prospect at the time. Engaged for 10 months, and then we got married.


Originally Posted by Ready2Change
This goes against my standard recommendation, but you should CONSIDER speaking with her father for insight. I am not saying do this, but he may have thoughts and wisdom for you.


I discussed the matter with her side of the family. They were quite baffled themselves but thankfully they were quite understanding and supportive. Her parents advised to give it time and not do anything rash. They said she is known to be quite childish and to dislike changes. So maybe I should give her time to let everything settle in for her. Her parents also recommended me to stay with her and not separate, because they fear the separation would make it worse. Her siblings didn't want to take sides and only wished the best and happiness for both of us; whether that means together or otherwise.

Everything feel so unreal and yet this is the reality I live in. W kept reminding me that she wanted out almost everyday and I get the cold treatment every time I talk to her. I do not know how much of this I can take. The only good thing is that her family is treating me well and that is keeping me from breaking down. It's just so hard. How can one be continue to be loving to someone that does not love back.


M: 28
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T: 2 years
Married: Nov 2019
BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
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Do you think the pursuer / distancer dynamic might apply to your relationship? Do you think she found the first few days of your marriage blissful also? If she's a distancer, then a big commitment or a step forward in your physical intimacy might have made her feel trapped, and if so, stepping right right back would be the logical thing to do.

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