I’ve spent a lot of time reading that form in the last few months—maybe it’s time to go back through my bookmarked threads.
I did read one of BluWave’s threads this morning, and it really helped me verbalize what I’ve come to understand about H in a much clearer way (Thank you for sharing your experience, BluWave!):
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Part of the reason that H checked out, had the A, and got stuck in the fog is because he was an extreme people pleaser. He adopted the role of Mr Nice Guy (there is a great book on this FYI), awesome dad, hard worker, and family man. He did not hold masculine stereotypes and prided himself on that. With that he lost himself and his own needs and interests.
I adored him, as did all women that met him. "He is so great! I wish my H was more like that!" What I failed to realize is that he was silently suffering and had growing resentment towards me. He felt that he did everything for me and the family and was worn out.
This is my H exactly, though he would say his mom is a people pleaser, not him. In general, maybe he’s not, but he certainly has been with all the women in his life since I’ve known him. I just didn’t realize it until BD. Now he’s thinking he’s happy because he’s answering to no one and gets to stay out at all hours; from the outside, he does not seem happy.
I talked to my C about this today, and she said, yeah, it sounds like H has gathered up years of resentment after never being able to set boundaries or voice his true feelings to his mom, his women friends, or you, and now he’s directing it all at you... and he has a lot of work to do, which make take years if he doesn’t stop running and coping with alcohol.
I know many of you have expressed this in regard to your own sitches before, but it’s all so sad to watch him chasing happiness in this potentially self-destructive way.
Some days I want to ask him to leave and start his new life. Some days I miss him. Some days I let him get to me, as much as I try to detach
I feel the same way. our feelings will go up and down. we will want to stay and leave. We are not perfect, we can only try our best to DB. Also it's not the end of the world if we have a couple missteps along the way.
my H is also numbing himself with alcohol (for a long time). He constantly claims that he's going to stop "soon," or he's going to drink less, or he needs to get back to the gym...yadayada over and over again. They have to deal with their own demons, there's nothing we can do for them. Yes, it is sad to watch, but ultimately we can only detach and accept the fact that it is their journey.
I know many of you have expressed this in regard to your own sitches before, but it’s all so sad to watch him chasing happiness in this potentially self-destructive way.
Yes, I feel sad watching my H spiral out of control as well. He is chasing happiness in all the wrong places, it seems. The happiness has to come from within, but he thinks if he leaves the marriage, he will find a happier situation. It really is all so sad. It is like watching a train wreck.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
The happiness has to come from within, but he thinks if he leaves the marriage, he will find a happier situation. It really is all so sad. It is like watching a train wreck.
Thanks, Woosa and HesAble, for commiserating with me. I've been reading your threads and will continue to follow your journeys as well. I'm sorry you both find yourselves here, too! Totally like watching a train wreck, and my H seems to be speeding faster and faster.
After being gone all night pretty much every night for weeks, he was home Sunday night and Monday night, not really interacting with me, but home. His energy wasn't as angry, but it felt tense, even though I was in a good mood, determined to not let his presence mess with my PMA. We cooked separate meals in the kitchen Sunday night. He had his headphones on as usual (they were already on when I got home, and I even ran into him in the store the other day and he had them on while he shopped). He was also making the cake he makes every year for a friend at work. At the end of the night he was making the frosting, and he let me taste it.
"It's not very good," he said.
"I think it's good, really creamy!" I said.
"I messed up the cake too," he said.
I think it was a little vulnerable for him to share his disappointment with me.
Sometimes it makes me feel... I don't know if better is the right word, but I'm better able to detach from the sitch when he exhibits what seems to be "classic" MLCer behavior, e.g. his "I have a new life!" tantrum a couple weeks ago. It reminds me that this crisis is only partly about our marriage, and it drives home the "I didn't break him, so I can't fix him" mantra. But then I'm like—wait, why do I feel better that it seems to be MLC, when it means this could go on for much longer than WAH?
On the rare occasions when he's home for an extended period and acting happy, but just cold/distant around me, it does still get to me a little, though a lot less than it used to.
My plan going forward is to continue to not really engage him in any convos, even brief ones, and to let him come to me. But since I expect him to file in January, we will have to start talking about mediation, etc. at some point. I'm not looking forward to that, because I already know the story he's telling himself is that I want to control the process like I've always controlled his life, and he's not going to want me to ask for anything.
If you think that you have a MLCer on your hands, you may want to consider having your thread moved to the MLC Forum or the very least visiting that forum to see what others are dealing with and what is working for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Struggling today with detachment—feeling that old cycle of disappointment and anger that after 16 years together, he can go from asking me out to dinner one week and saying he loves me to the BD and almost no contact/conversation, though we're living in the same house. Logically, I know on some level he's got to miss, if not our love, our friendship; logically, I know he's probably struggling too, but that's locked away in some other compartment of his.
At least, six months out, I can recognize that these feelings will come and go. I won't let them ruin my day.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now that I'm officially in the MLC board, I'm wondering if there is any advice on my general approach, post- R-talk instigated by my H a few weeks ago, when he let me know he's planning to file very soon (more on that in the first post).
My mindset has been pretty much the same as the last 5 months or so before this talk: he's out all the time with his new friends, I ask no questions, I keep things friendly and light when approached, I aim to keep my focus on me. I want to remove myself as much as possible from being, in his view, the source of his unhappiness. I would think he should be flying high because he's finally gotten to do whatever he wants for months now, but that doesn't appear to be the case. He's going to have to realize on his own (or not) that that still isn't bringing him happiness.
Still working on detaching, but I think hearing him say he was planning to file has helped me detach a little more; it has reminded me again I really have NO control over what he does. The only thing that's really changed after that talk seems to be his behavior, in that it feels like he's trying to put more distance between us. I think he's realizing he's going to have to start communicating with me about the D/arrangements, and he doesn't want to.
In the meantime, I've been reading back through older threads here, and that is always helpful. I'm so grateful for this support!
Lots of them say they will file, and even when they do, they can't seem to see it through. Mine is that way. I've been hearing about this divorce for 10 years now. I just haven't seen it yet.
The only approach is to detach for your own benefit and understand that if it is MLC, it is a long, hard slog. My personal feeling is that they have to leave to live that exciting life we are keeping them from so they can process what they are doing and stand to lose. Even then, some like Peace's and Job's former husbands just roam the earth like lost souls forever.
You don't have any control. None. He probably doesn't either.
You will find yourself again through this and you will have all the happiness you allow into your life. Look forward, not back. If you meet him on the side of the road someday on your journey, and he looks and sounds like someone you want to be around, then great. Either way, by focusing on you, you win every time.
