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Negotiation with a narcissist. Think you reach a deal, they insist on more changes. After that happens too many times, they fire the lawyer and start over again. I'd say you are right on schedule. Hope this is the year it all comes to pass.

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It’s been 6 years. I’ve kept my poise and decorum throughout the entire process. I’ve bit my tongue. I’ve let things go.

But... after all this time..... today more than ever, I’m trying to keep my snark to a minimum. Haha. Actually, I want to be snarky because this is just obscenely rediculous.

The beanie.

Oh lord.... the beanie.

He still thinks I have a beanie of his.


I struggle with sharing too much because it is a clearly identifiable piece of info. But..OH MY GOD... he will not let the beanie go!!!!

He said I have it, and I owe him a brand new one (it was purchased in 2013... it’s old). He said it was kept in plastic this whole time??? I sent him a picture showing when he was wearing it and he said he only wore it for the pic and then sealed it back up.

Oh my word.

I am on Amazon right now... I want to buy him 10 beanies and leave a note that says, I hope you and your beanies have a wonderful life together.

Also I want to add to the note... I know how much the original beanie must have meant to you since you valued it more than a marriage. <-ok that part is just dumb. But dang it..... It’s beyond petty.

Coming here so I can keep my cool. I’m just beyond words. My lawyer was like.... you’ve spent more in legal fees on this single beanie issue than like the cost 50 beanies.

There are no words.


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WTF. He wore the beanie once then resealed it? Must be one of those limited edition beanies handmade from finest Nepalese cashmere handwoven with 24-karat gold thread. You really have to laugh at how effing stupid they make themselves look. I did, anyway!


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Lol the beanie again!!!! The song “Raspberry Beret” started playing in my head!

What IS so special about this beanie? Is it some rare limited edition band swag? Did the OW give it to him? Wtf???

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He is still harping on that freaking beanie? If he remembers sealing it up in plastic, then he has to know where the heck it is. For all you know, he could have tossed it out a long time ago or it's still packing in his stuff. OMG! I can remember my nut wanting stuff he had donated to a church yard sale. He swore up and down that I still had the stuff. Do you think he's harping on this item so that you will allow him to come to the house and do a walk through? You have told him time and again you don't have it. I would listen to him talking about it and let it go out the other ear. I wouldn't purchase another one nor would I give him the money for it. It's old and truth be told, if you did happen to purchase one, he would find something else to go on and on about that he thinks is still in your home. In his mind, if you purchase a new one for him, he will think you destroyed the other one...and will make every effort to guilt you even when you don't have it or destroyed it. Just leave him be.

MLCers are worse than kids. They fixate on one thing and will drive you crazy over it until you give in and then they start up again w/something new. If you don't have it, you don't have it....don't even think about replacing it. He's a grown man and can get another one for himself. When they finally realize that you aren't going to bend over backwards to give them what they are harping on, he will stop it eventually. Listen and then let it go in one ear and out the other. I know it's frustrating, but you can't reason w/him because he is not rational and no matter what you do, it will never be enough.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Good Morning Pax

Wise to keep your snark to a minimum. The best revenge is a life well lived.

ex obviously has some importance attached to this beanie. He is lead by his feelings, which won’t appear to make sense, won’t be rational, and his decisions and behaviours will follow suit. Yet, at some level within him, it will kind of make sense - to him. It will feel somewhat right.

Emotions produce pretty strong pressures and impulses, which can get tangled and trigger by material things, places, people, events , and such. Even just the memories of such can send someone off on an emotional roller coaster. We’ve all been there with our BD and our wild imaginations of what must be going down in our spouse’s new wonderful lives, so I suspect you can empathize with his been lost and lashing out over such an innocuous and inexpensive item. However, the value to him appears rather high, such is the cost of emotional crisis.

Of course he is blaming you. And nothing you say or do will appease him. If the beanie is truly lost, I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually lost his prized possession, cannot face that, and is projecting upon you. He is crafting his reality as he goes along. The beanie’s whereabouts was under plastic the entire time, until photographic evidence showed him wearing it. Well, well, um, only for that picture - then back in the vault. A quick revision to the the historical rewrite and back on track.

Depending on how much you’d like to learn, and how much of an olive branch you’d like to extend, you could ask him about the beanie. About its importance. And if a replacement one would help. You can only control you. Do so with compassion and empathy. It might, or might not, make much of a difference to his trajectory, but it will affect yours.

Poise and decorum, no need to end that now. Continue your excellent path.

ex, I’m sorry the beanie appears to be lost. I’ve looked and I do not have your beanie in my possession. It obviously is important to you, and if I had it I’d return it. The last I remember seeing it was in that photo of you wearing it <or whatever event you recall>. Have you considered a replace beanie? Amazon has one for $x which is available for shipment right now. Here is the link if you are interested. <hyperlink for shinny new beanie>

Take care Pax

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Whew. I think we know by now that I’m a lurker and only poke my head above water when I really need to vent. It’s my safe space here to let things out when I’m going absolutely bonkers over the ex nonsense. Thank you for allowing me to release the pressure valve a bit.

The ex blew something completely out of proportion today. I knew he would.... I gave him ammo to fly off the handle because i defied him by not paying him $10. (<~ that’s right)
Normally, I roll over and take it because he’s an absolute lunatic. But today I stood my ground and it backfired.

I’m so tired of him. Will he ever go away? When will he be done?? I’ve been done..... I’m completely and utterly dark and yet He finds something wrong with everything. Sociopath.


He threatened to sue me today and I would share the details here because you would get a good laugh out of it, but he’d sue me for that too if he ever found my postings.

My lawyer said he would be laughed out of a court room if he did proceed. Maybe so..... but I don’t want to deal with this legal crap anymore.


When do they go away? Seriously?


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Pax, Pax, Pax. You definitely have a keeper there (as in you will never be free of him). I'm so very sorry. Please tell me this had nothing to do with beaniegate.

How is the doggie doing?

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I hate to say it, but I do agree w/OwnIt. Some of them never go away. The $10 reminds me of a time when I used a gas card (just prior to the Mother Ship taking my xh up into space) and when the bill came in, he went nuts about the $10 I had put on the credit card for gas. Trust me...I know exactly what you, and everyone else, has and continues to go through. It's not an easy road to navigate, but there will come a time, when you need to find the humor in it all and realize that you can't rationalize w/them. BTW, your lawyer is right...he would be laughed out of the court room over something as silly as this and, yes, the beanie story.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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It surely is related to beanie gate. He’s a very mad sociopath having a complete meltdown temper tantrum right now. Me and the lawyer are trying to come up with a plan to get him off my back.

I know its not nice to call names. He’s seriously out of his mind. And I don’t appreciate the fact that I have to pay to defend myself from his antics. It’s too much. Too too much.

Could you imagine if I actually met fire with fire?? I might be dead right now. That’s not an exaggeration.


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