I think her points about going through all this around the holidays is tough and so is trying to figure out to get the kids' gifts together or separately.
As for the text, waiting 24 hours/1 day (whichever it was) seems a little weird. If I don't get a text back the same day I take that as a bad sign, but everyone has a different dynamic there. I know Firemann was hurting but I think he could have responded sooner and just made a choice. I'm not in his shoes though and I don't know all the thoughts and pain he was going through either.
I do agree with you in regards to the snotty reply and the snooping and I'm not sure what I was speaking to. I agree that she is brushing her misdeeds aside to throw his misdeeds in his face.
Firemann, I don't mean to hijack your thread. I just relate to your story and want to help. Hope you're doing well buddy.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It's all good, ovrrnbw. I think going dark for her birthday and Thanksgiving along with not being home a lot really made her wonder what the heck I was doing.
W is catching on that primary communication is by email only. She sent me something today asking if she could send the kids over tonight. I told her i would absolutely love to see them!
I ended up reconnecting with one of my aunts. Her husband was the closest male figure to me growing up, was 7 years older than me and ended up dying of cancer 3 years ago. She and I had a great talk. She advised me that if I did start dating, not to do anything serious and give myself time to heal (sounds familiar right). She said it's one thing to go out and have fun, but spending nights together is just too soon. I am going to try to see a lot less of this new gal and explain to her that I need to royally slow things down. I really dont want to end up hurting her.
As liberating as it is being alone, it does get lonely. I am on the codependent spectrum and do have a fear of being alone. I am doing better with learning to relax (reading, walking, watching tv). Been working out a lot and, despite not getting a lot of feedback from the kids, I do txt them daily saying I love them. I really have to think not to persue my wife, but I've been doing great with it.
Journaling, as it's been a while and Ia m looking for some advice on something.
Happy Friday all. Well - I have come a world forward in LRT and detaching. I've stopped asking anyone about my W and only respond to her txt's when they are regarding the kids. I've stopped pursuit entirely; if I see her drive past in the subdivision, I just wave but do not bother to stop and talk. I've been working out, reading and cooking a lot. I went to a meetup wine tasting event this week and ran into a a "friend girl" there that I haven't seen since the BD days. She said I looked amazing and it was great to see me smiling again. Hearing that made me feel like I was really making progress with myself. I've been trying to just go out and make new friends (male and female).
My current issue know is - my kids. We are coordial and friendly, but they are still really distant. D15 absolutely will not stay overnight at my house and S12 basically will only stay if she decided to stay. When I am with the kids, we have a lot of laughs and a lot of good talk. I will usually suggest they stay over and D15 usually says: "no, I might have plan" or "no, all my stuff is at moms". I've asked her what stuff shes refering to and that we can buy whatever she needs. Both kids bedrooms are as they left them in my house and I've actually tidied them up a good bit (made beds, laundered sheets, folded clothes)
I can't help but think someone is poisoning her mind on my W's side. I've tried telling D15 how much I miss her, that I want to cook her breakfast the next day, that I really just want to spend time with her. Nothing works. D15 and I were historically extremely close up until this separation.
We've had a few dinner dates where my W has dropped them off and said she was going on a date...I usually say 'sounds good' or 'have a blast'. When I am with the kids, I am finding I really don't worry about what my W is doing anymore. This wasn't the case with me a few months ago.
I wish there was some way I could hook D15 to a lie detector test and just ask if someone is influencing her thoughts... Last weekend, I told my W that this letting the kids decide whose house they stay at is NOT working for me and that I wanted to set a firm schedule in place. Her response was that she'd think about it. She's stated she wants the kids to be with me but she doesn't want to force them into something they do not want to do.
I am trying to remain upbeat and hopeful but wow, is it tough. I'm tempted to tell my attorney to just waive child custody arbitration and proceed for a custody court date.
I've been reading a lot about Parental Alienation. The whole matter is just extremely painful, especially with the holidays coming up.
If anyone has suggestions as to how to handle this situation, I'd love to hear them.
Fireman, it does seem like something fishy is going on. Ultimately, your kids might be old enough that they can choose where to live. You may end up talking to your kids and ask them what's going on.
I didn't speak to my mom for several years after my parents divorced. I now regret that. Just be there and be patient and kind.
I think your W is dating to make herself feel better. She's not over you. Just continue to be detached and stay in LRT mode. Glad to read your update. Merry Christmas friend.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
If anyone has suggestions as to how to handle this situation, I'd love to hear them.
I was involved in a highly contested custody battle. I have 50/50 parenting agreement in place. My relationship with my children is/was important.
I believe the parents should be making the decisions, not the children. The children do not know what is best for them. Even the parents do not know, but they know better than the children. The experts know better than the parents. The parents should lean on the experts to help guide their decisions.
My understanding is the experts believe it is best for the children to spend equal time with each parent,as long as the parents are not harming the children.
If you can reason with mother, get her on board with the experts. If reasoning fails, then going down legal path may be needed.
A united front:
kids"I don't want to sleep at your house" Parents"I understand. but we believe this is best" or "Your mother and I have an agreement that this is best"
Might be harder with the older child.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hope you all had a great holiday! My Christmas was kind of interesting. I went over to the W house and watch the kids open presents. The W looked beautiful. We had breakfast together as a family and it was really nice. I went home and walked the dog. I ended up going to a neighbors for part of the day and the W took the kids to one of her friends. I ended up visiting that gal I was seeing and started really seeing this situation wasnt for me. She still has issues with her ex that I found hard not to become involved in. I ended up leaving early to meet S12 for dinner. Shortly after, I talked to that gal and said I am just not ready for a serious relationship and feel she is. I told her that I didn't feel right seeing her. She was upset but understood.
The next part is pretty awesome. I spoke to an aunt in NY (most of my family lives there) last Thurs. She asked when I was going to visit to see her and her daughter. I never meet her (and she's my cousin). The cousin has actually been talking to my daughter on social media. After talking for a while, I decided, what the heck, I am going to drive from NC to NY to see my aunt. 12 hours of car time! I figured the only way to get my remote family back during the holidays was to do something about it. My kids got word of this within minutes and ended up joining me for the trip!!! Not only did we see my aunt, but we also reconnected with my brother (visiting from Florida), my parents (I saw my terminally ill dad!!!) and an aunt, who lives in Virginia, on the trip back home. I saw more family over this past weekend then I have the last 20 years! My kids loved it and were great travelers. The trip wasn't cheap, but I realized this was probably the last time I'd see my dad alive.
Fast forward to yesterday (tues). The W calls and says she S12 got hurt at sports practice. She then asked how the trip was and that the kids couldn't stop talking about how much they loved meeting family. We ended up talking about our dating experiences the past month or two and shared some good laughs. She is basically second guessing divorcing now and saying she needs to think about things and how she feels. This has my guard up like never before, but, I felt kind of excited. I told her that I did not want any of this separation/divorce. We spoke briefly on seeing a therapist and she mentioned she didnt like the one we say (for one session). I told her - we can decide on one we both feel comfortable with if it's the route we choose to follow. And one point I slipped up and said - please come back home. The talk went really well and for the first time in a while, I felt we had some hope. She did mention she wanted to keep things amicable, regardless of the direction we go in the next few months, but that she had some thinking to do.
Im not sure if it was me ditching my gal or making amends with my family, but the W has turned a lot more nice/receptive/human to me the last few days.
I do need to reinforce my detachment. As soon as she started throwing breadcrumbs, I did feel like I was beginning to chase her, and wow, was it hard not to.
I'm trying hard not to re-enter the world of online dating since me and that gal split up. I have this huge need for female validation. I know I shouldn't date and it's embarrassing to admit I need it, but it is there and I am fighting it!
I also realized when I am with my kids, I absolutely don't care what my W does, which is probably why she loves keeping the kids around so much.
Weird turn of events. I feel alone since I've returned from the trip but very proud of myself.
My kids got word of this within minutes and ended up joining me for the trip!!! Not only did we see my aunt, but we also reconnected with my brother (visiting from Florida), my parents (I saw my terminally ill dad!!!) and an aunt, who lives in Virginia, on the trip back home. I saw more family over this past weekend then I have the last 20 years! My kids loved it and were great travelers. The trip wasn't cheap, but I realized this was probably the last time I'd see my dad alive.
Great idea, and glad the kids joined you!
Quote
We ended up talking about our dating experiences the past month or two and shared some good laughs. She is basically second guessing divorcing now and saying she needs to think about things and how she feels. This has my guard up like never before, but, I felt kind of excited.
Be SUPER cautious! Remember that when we say not to believe anything they say, that works both ways. Don't believe when they say it's over, and don't believe when they say they might want to recon. Why? Because it is ALL just a reflection on their feelings at that very moment in time. A snapshot. The overall pattern is scattered, and you need to be patient until it starts to come back together with some consistent behavior on her part.
Quote
I told her that I did not want any of this separation/divorce.
Don't say these things. It's pursuit. Plus she already knows you are firmly in the Plan B category.
Quote
We spoke briefly on seeing a therapist and she mentioned she didnt like the one we say (for one session).
Were you the one initiating this? If so then STOP. SHE needs to be the one that brings it up and makes arrangements for it to happen. For any chance of a solid recon, SHE has to be the one doing the work. SHE has to be committed to it.
Quote
And one point I slipped up and said - please come back home.
Here's what your response to her should be if she brings it up again - "I might consider this in the future but a lot of work has to happen first." Again she sees you as Plan B and the only way you will elevate to Plan A is if she starts to think she may lose you and she starts missing you. She's starting to move in that direction but it's going to be a long time before she's fully vested. Be patient!
Quote
Im not sure if it was me ditching my gal or making amends with my family, but the W has turned a lot more nice/receptive/human to me the last few days.
She probably realized she might actually lose you. So she started temp checking. Remember the squirrel-feeding analogy!
I did mention that I think we should get a marriage counselor if that's the route we decide to go - I will stop suggesting that as advised.
I am thinking I should just proceed with my GAL and focus on the kids. Let her make the next move to come back and keep the road home well paved. It's hard not to get my hopes up.
One last thing, and I'd love thoughts on this. My aunt heard from D15 during the visit that the reasons D15 won't stay over is 1) I got a new gal too quickly and brought her out to a fire dept outing and 2) my historic alcohol usage. W told D15 thats the reason had to leave the home and bring the kids with her.
My aunt advised I sit down with W and D15 together and discuss this and how the W actually contributed to the downfall too. My W has basically villanized me to D15.
Again, that new gal is gone and alcohol doesn't exist when I have my kids and extremely reduced when I don't.
