Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6

[DaB35]

Had to fill in a few forms today about the house sale. I politely pushed back on a large chunk of them to W and she has filled them in without complaining. Thansk DS, that worked!

I filled in the bits that only I could because the original forms were emailed to me personally. I've done that.

Just need to wait for W's next instruction. I'm not really communicating with the estate agents - it's all her project remember - so just waiting for my next task really.

Separate issue:
Do I give W an Xmas present? I mentioned on an earlier thread; I have a non-romantic thing (small, cheap) that I could give her. It doesn't really have any significance in our relationship - it's just a small item that I might get a friend for example.

I also really want to write a little note for her to say effectively, "sorry that it came to this" but I know, I KNOW, that is not the right thing to do and won't really help anything. When D finally goes through it feels like a note would be closure, but I know this isn't Hollywood.


I'm so tired of all this, and it's only been 6 months. Her stubbornness and impulsive nature knows no bounds.

I will be ok though. I'm remaining positive.

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst" isn't it?

[DaB35]

Surveyor coming round to view the house today. W was at the house to meet them.
Bit stressful really - I know I'm not there and it's entirely her project, but it's just making things more real.

I am trying to put a lot of effort into maintaining my PMA and attitude, so if W does need to see me in person, I can be confident and demonstrate my 180s. I do know that it's not for her at all, it's for me. I do however want some of the satisfaction that will come from showing her how I've turned myself around.

Any advice on the above dilemma re Xmas present?

[LH19]

D,

Would you buy a boss who fired you a Christmas gift?

[DaB35]

LH - thanks, good point.

I feel torn with this to be honest.

One hand - yes I agree, I've been fired as a husband. She doesn't want - rather, feels she doesn't want - me in her life anymore in that capacit: someone to help her with things, answer her questions, support her etc.
She feels that the only way to cope with everything is to blow up the M and D me.
She isn't telling me she misses me (or she does miss me, but isn't admitting it to anyone - I know, no mind-reading!!).

Other hand - this woman means so much to me. Despite all her flaws, I loved her immensely, and genuinely. Despite the hurt I inflicted on her, I felt we could have worked on the R, especially since my IC only took six months to get through. Effectively ignoring her at Christmas feels like I don't care about her any more, when actually I'm not fully detached yet and do care about her still.
But then, is this the point? Is this true DBing - would she be expecting me to get her a gift, so therefore me not giving her anything will wrongfoot her somewhat?

Will me not doing anything give ammo to her sister and friends saying, "well he clearly doesn't care about you otherwise he'd have at least got you something."?

Will me giving her something make them think, "He doesn't get it yet does he? What a moron!"

Will be tough not seeing W on Xmas morning, and not even getting a text from her. It's going to be hard but I have my family, and meeting up with some friends over the holiday too, so should be nice at least.

[job]

I wouldn't worry about what her family and friends think about you and whether you give her a gift or not. At this point in time, I wouldn't give her a gift. After all, you are in the process of selling your home and the divorce may be around the corner. However, if you opt to purchase something for her, the best gift is a gift card to one of the places she frequents. Keep it simple and impersonal.

Try to remember...she fired you as her husband.

[DaB35]

Thanks Job.

OK - yes I've seen the gift card thing being regularly mentioned in other threads. So it's is a good 'safe' bet essentially rather than anything else then?

The gift I got her (well, 'in waiting' I suppose) is a small china espresso cup & saucer with a fancy pattern on it that she really likes, but has been discontinued for some years now from the manufacturer. She used to work for a china shop and they gave her a full dinner set as a leaving gift (!) in this style, but her brother snapped it up (to this day I've no idea why) and he now owns it as his dinner set. She is still rather bitter about this and does moan about it whenever the subject comes up!

It was not expensive as I bought it second hand - we're talking under £25, so actually that's roughly the value of a gift card I would get a friend anyway.

I have a good idea of what places she could use a gift card for, so I'll think about that.

[AnotherStander]

Dan, I would either not buy her a gift as Job and LH suggested, or if that just really bugs you then say something to her like "I figured given the state of things that we would not be exchanging gifts this year, is that what you were thinking as well?" The only reason I suggest that is despite everything, I imagine you would feel terrible if she did end up getting you something and you didn't have anything for her. But I definitely would not just "surprise" her with a gift because that will come off as pursuit.

I also really want to write a little note for her to say effectively, "sorry that it came to this" but I know, I KNOW, that is not the right thing to do and won't really help anything. When D finally goes through it feels like a note would be closure, but I know this isn't Hollywood.

You are right. I know it's very tempting, but why are YOU apologizing for what SHE is doing. Yes you played a part in the demise of the M, but you are the one trying to save it and she is the one kicking it/ you to the curb. If anything, she is the one that owes you an apology.

[DaB35]

All food for thought everyone, thanks for your input.

Yes when you put it like that, I played a part in upsetting the stability of the M, but yo uare right - she is the one who has decided the blow it up.

It is such a waste. I really think that if she didn't do this we could have got MC and DB-ed effectively as a couple. A lot of people have said to me, "Is that all you did?" or "Why wouldn't she want to try?"

Anyway - off to the gym now!

[AnotherStander]

"Why wouldn't she want to try?"

A question my XW was asked many times by me (before DB), friends, family and the MC. Her answer? "I don't know, I just don't want to try anymore." That's what it's like to fall out of love, they just quit caring.

[DaB35]

Just signed up for a new set of exams - this will take 3 years roughly, but there'll be a nice big pay rise at the end of it once I achieve it!

Gym is going well - I'm upping weights on everything gradually. Definitely seeing some improvements.

This week GAL plans are:
-Haircut this week
-Meeting friend for catch-up lunch tomorrow
-Work Xmas meal out Thursday
-Gym today, tomorrow, and Friday
-Tidying up home/going through instruments/books and seeing if there are any more I can sell
-More project work
-Poss overtime at weekend (means more money in January!)

Also I am planning on wearing my belatedly delivered Xmas Jumper (Back to the Future themed!) to work. It's rather tasteful haha!

Slight downer is having to go to the house on Friday night. But Look at that list- so many positives against one negative.

My W is missing out so much on the new me.