Midlife wife crisis12

[Ready2Change]

Hi Wolf,

What type of parenting arrangement did you agree to in your divorce decree?

If you have less than 50/50 and desire 50/50, you take every opportunity to "Watch" your kids during her parenting time. You keep records of this.


If you are fine with the current parenting arrangement's, decide if you want to spend the day with your child.


It appears to me that you are still focused on your XW behavior. Focus on your own behavior. Do the right thing for the right reasons for your children.

[Wolfman]

Merry Christmas everyone!!!
I knew this was going to be hard emotionally celebrating Christmas as a broken family. My xw always makes it seem like everything is ok. But she got a little taste of real divorce life. What do I mean by taste, me not running for her and being there for her like I am still her husband. In our agreement for Christmas she gets the kids in the morning and afternoon and then she brings them to me in the early evening and at night I bring them back to her. Usually every Christmas her parents would go to the house and celebrate there. This time they made her bring the kids to their house 30 minutes away. The day before Christmas Eve xw told me she was going to her parents house and that she would bring the kids to me around 6. So I said great. I asked her how come she was going out there and she said her parents didn’t want to go to her house. I said oh ok. Then yesterday We were texting back and forth about how to get the Santa gifts to her house (the ones I wrapped). In those text messages she said she might go out can she let me know when to bring the kids to her, I said sure. She winds up bringing the kids to my moms house and then she starts to pull away. I ran to the car I said what about the gifts I was going to give you now (Santa gifts). She said can’t you just bring them later I’m not happy right now. I said ok, everything ok? She said you know how hard it’s going to be to be alone on Christmas Eve? I said It must be hard I am sorry. Then she took off. The. I get this text:

Sorry but I’m not happy. You get to now enjoy our children while I’m home alone. Once again me making the sacrific to leave my family to bring the kids to you! You could’ve picked them up knowing I would be alone.
I responded with:
Why don’t you go back to your moms? I know this is hard. It’s hard for everyone. I missed my kids all day. I would of asked you to stay here but I know how you feel about my family.
Then more:
Go back to my moms? Lol. So typical of you! Most men would’ve said I will pick them up so you don’t have to leave but all. I would rather be alone than be there to be honest. My kids is the only thing there that interests me.

I responded: I am sorry that you are alone. I know this must be a real difficult time for you it is for all of us.
That was it with communication. It’s not my fault she did t want to go back to her parents. It’s not my fault they didn’t want to go to her house. In our agreement she is suppose to bring them to me. This is divorced life, I am not her husband anymore, or else I would be running around for her like I always did. I hurt me to know that she was alone but there is nothing I can do. This is what she wanted and this come with divorce. She still thinks I am suppose to run for her because I always use to and try real hard to make things easy for her. I don’t know what she wants or what she thinks. This is a different life now. I am not the doting husband anymore.
What does everyone think? Did I handle this well?

[Jac12]

Not terribly but I would have talked less (or so I hope). These are the consequences of her choices, not yours. Let her figure it out.

[Ready2Change]

What does everyone think? Did I handle this well?

There is always room for improvement. I crossed out what I feel was not needed:

I get this text:

Sorry but I’m not happy. You get to now enjoy our children while I’m home alone. Once again me making the sacrifice to leave my family to bring the kids to you! You could’ve picked them up knowing I would be alone.
I responded with:
Why don’t you go back to your moms? I know this is hard. It’s hard for everyone. I missed my kids all day. I would of asked you to stay here but I know how you feel about my family.

There are so many ways to respond to this.

First, what would Steve85 say. Not a direct question. No response needed.
Second, what would AS say. Validate how she feels. "I can understand why you are not happy"

As you go forward, you should really think about how steve85 would respond. How would AS respond.

Other choices:

"I am sorry you feel that way"




The last thing she wants from you is advice. It is important that you stop. "Why don't you go back to your moms" is unsolicited advise. can you see this?

Make it all about her feelings and nothing about you. "I miss my kids everyday" is about you, not her.

This is the OMG, why in the world would he say this??? " I would of asked you to stay here but I know how you feel about my family"


You get huge brownie points for not arguing with her. The first thing that comes to my mind is to argue my point. I have to fight ever erge to say things like this:

"You have no idea about sacrifice."
or
"At least you don't have to sacrifice as much as me"
or
"You wanted this. Not us"




Every time you interact, it is a learning opportunity. Have the goal of always doing better the next time.

This is how I would have responded(Not that I am recommending this):
"I appreciate the sacrifices you make for our children's happiness. I have learned to enjoy my time alone. I hope you find your happiness. "

[IHCLACS]

Anyone ever see the movie The Ref? Kevin Spacey: You know what mom? You know what I’m gonna get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb up and nail yourself to it."

[ovrrnbw]

Anyone ever see the movie The Ref? Kevin Spacey: You know what mom? You know what I’m gonna get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb up and nail yourself to it."

The sooner you purge all that pain the sooner you will begin to move on. Let go of that. This is not DB, not healthy at all.

Wolf, I agree with R2C. Be confident, Stay in your good place, don't get dragged into anything. You are in control of you always.

[Wolfman]

R2C you are right i need to stop offering advice. That seemed to only make her more mad. Something else I would like to talk about. You guys tell what I did if it’s wrong and I xw is going off the deep end?

On Christmas Eve I brought the kids back to her house around 11:30pm. My son still believes in Santa and I love seeing the excitement of Christmas for him. So we get back to the house and she was sitting in the couch I. The living room by her self in a real pissy mood. The kids told her a little about what they got with me. Then xw says ok guys go to bed or else Santa won’t come. My d who knows there is no Santa says to her mom, mom there are no stockings up. My xw is so self absorbed she didn’t even put the kids stockings up. So my xw says in a nasty tone to my d go find them and hang them up. My d says where though. Xw yells at her I don’t know look in the bins. There never even put the holiday bins in the basement they were still sitting in the den. Side note when I lived there I can’t tell you how much I deforested the inside and outside of the house. This year 1st year I am not living there all she put up was the tree. It was very sad to see. My d finds the stockings and hangs them up. They were about to go up to bed when I said to the kids what about cookies for Santa. So the kids were like oh yeah. So there was a box of cookies out on the counter in the kitchen we grabbed 2 cookies and put them on a plate and left them in the den. She did t have any milk so it was just the cookies. So then my kids went to bed. But I noticed when I looked upstairs my sons light was on. This whole time xw has not moved from the couch and has a pi$$ed look on her face. So I said to my xw I am going to go upstairs to give the kids a kiss goodnight and turn s light off. Just as I am about to walk up the stairs she said what do you think you are doing? I said I am going to give the kids a kiss and turn s light off. She then proceeded to say you aren’t going to ask me? I said to give my kids a kiss? She then replied, This isn’t your house anymore you can’t just do what you want. You think you can just walk upstairs without asking? The. You go and get cookies without asking. You think you can do whatever you want. This is t your home anymore. I said sorry I was just getting cookies to put out for Santa. I then asked would it be ok if I can go and give my kids a kiss then? With a pi$$ed off attitude she said do whatever you want. You have always done whatever you wanted and nothing has changed. I said if you don’t want me to I won’t. She said no go and give them a kiss. After I kissed them I brought in the Santa gifts I wrapped and some of the stocking stuffers, I did what I had to do and promptly left.
Can someone please enlighten me to what is going on here? She did nothing as far as getting things ready for Santa. I know it’s her house but seriously I have to ask for permission to give my kids a kiss. What happened to my xw? This is certainly not the woman I married. She didn’t do her job, so maybe I should have scolded her about not leaving the stockings out for the kids. Or leaving cookies and milk out for Santa. She has become so self absorbed it’s disgusting. She only cares about herself and will only do things that benefit her.

[LH19]

W,

I hate to be the to tell you this but she’s right it isn’t your house and you should have asked. My ex was over on Christmas and my son wanted to show her something in the basement. She asked me if it was ok. That’s respect.

Look she most likely despises you right now hence the pissed off look because you are the reasons for her problems.

That will likely change if you give her time and space to figure her $hit out.

Right now you keep shooting yourself in the foot because you’re still trying to solve her problems and over stepping your boundaries.

[ovrrnbw]

She's right. Drop kids off and go. Drop expectations.

You are up her butt about everything: the stockings, the cookies, the milk, the bins. Who cares? Do that at your place, she's not your kid.

[Wolfman]

She's right. Drop kids off and go. Drop expectations.

You are up her butt about everything: the stockings, the cookies, the milk, the bins. Who cares? Do that at your place, she's not your kid.

I’m confused here. I didn’t say what I g to her about those things. I just noticed it. My d was the one to say something about the stockings. And I said to my kids about the cookies for Santa. I also had “Santa gifts” and had to wait for son to go to bed.
Ok honestly it’s hard for me to let go that that was my home too. I miss being in my home. If you all want me to just be honest. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do. Give up my w, kids and home. So yes at times I struggle. I appreciate what you all are telling me. I will ask for permission. I didn’t even realize to just give my kids a kiss to ask. I know now that going upstairs it’s no longer my home. It just hurts real bad!!!

I am having a hard time right now with the holidays. I have been feeling depressed because of how I miss the old holidays.

LH you said I am the reason for her problems. What are you referring too? She has gotten everything she wanted. From the d, home, child support, parenting schedule. What else is there?