You are the only one that decide whether you want to do the laundry or not. If you are content doing it, then do it, but if you aren't, then don't.
The beauty of the forums is that we all have opinions/comments on how to do things. However, it is up to each poster to determine what to do in their on situation. If something works, continue to do it, if something doesn't work, then cease doing it and try something else.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
and also you can change or shift your mind at any time
Sometimes it ok to keep the peace for a time or when children are involved and to create the most effective environment for the moment
even if its leading to separation and D This MLC journey is tough...trust yourself and seek therapy to deal with your fears/feelings
This usually takes the LBS quite a while to really fully detach and let go--- Sometimes we need more time to miniter the situation, to come out of denial, to process the shock of it all- Go easy on you
Its scary to lose someone we love so much and was hard for me to let go of the idea of being M and having my children's father available to them
There are no right or wrong...most of us learn as we go we can learn from each other but Job is right...only we can decide when/if its time to pull the plug or stand
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks everyone. There are times when I wonder what I am doing as his behavior really bothers me. I mean, this was someone I’ve known for almost 30 years. How could he be so different? But then, I remind myself, this journey now can end if I decide to end it, and I remind myself that there is nothing I can say or do to stop his journey. I do have a relationship with the Lord, and we married “in sickness and in health” I am choosing to deal with this as a sickness. If H has some event(s) in his past that has brought him to this situation, who am I to tell him to snap out of it? He has to figure this out on his own.
That being said, I am trying to live for me, keep the house in order (for me) and GAL. With our D24 older, I can do what I want pretty much since she does not live in the home. I do appreciate encouragement, and I am remaining hopeful and steadfast.
Last edited by PLC; 12/16/1901:43 AM. Reason: Grammar
Hi, PLC—my MLC H BD in June, so you’re just ahead of me, and I think only on the best moments of my best days I feel as clear-headed as you sound. I just posted on the newcomers forum, and it’s funny to come here and read your question about laundry. I’ve always done our laundry and continued to do his after BD, trying to show love through the smallest actions. Occasionally he’d say, You know you don’t have to do my laundry, and I’d say, I know. After he initiated an R talk pre-Thanksgiving and told me he was planning on filing soon, he started keeping his dirty clothes on the floor of the “his” room, and just now bought a pop-up hamper so his clothes aren’t scattered everywhere all the time. Feels like a kind of passive aggressive power move—you will no longer touch my clothes! Ha. Ironically, this means he has to be around the house long enough to do his own laundry, when I’m sure he’d rather be out with his new friends.
When he left to go out of the country, our D24 came for a scheduled visit right after. Once she left, I cleaned the linens and vacuumed her room. That was end of May. He came back from being abroad at the beginning of August. He began sleeping in her room, And I never washed the sheets. So for almost four months he slept on gross, dirty sheets. He never asked me to wash and if he did, I would have told him no. Laundry for his clothes, was more for me because of the anxiety. I can shut her bedroom door. Once she was coming home, I announced she’d be home as he tried to leave for work last week, and once I got up I changed the bedding for her to use that night.
This behavior of not caring about clothes or sheets my T attributes to being in the mind of a teen. They are I. Their own fog and really don’t notice surroundings. I can totally agree, as he used to be very particular about how the how looked.
Well after almost 15 months of limbo, he has reiterated that he no longer wants to be married, I responded, "I know, you have told me that before" he replied, yes, I want a divorce.
I have so many feelings, friends. One is a little relief, if I am being honest. He told me that he does not want to be enemies, he wants me to stay in the house, he wants to pay off all of the bills, sell his racing eqt including his car and buy a condo. He does not know where he will go. He said he would keep paying for my insurance. He asked how much I need to live here.
I know 'believe half of what they say' I am not figuring that he really understands the costs. I suggested after 30 years, I would like him to consider MC, he at first said no, but then when i brought it up again, I said, if we went a few times, then I would know we have tried everything and then I would be ok getting a divorce.
I asked if he went to Mexico this weekend and he confirmed he did with his friend. SURE
I asked if there was someone else and he said no. HA!
I really think he is in the middle of MLC and I want to stand! I even suggested living as roommates, that it would be cheaper to add on a bathroom and bedroom and he could live here a separately but we would stay married.
I know I probably said things that were not DB, but I did remain calm. I did not cry, although now I am tearing up.
THis is a lot to take in even though I know more than I think he does. I do have time on my side a little, because we have a huge tax obligation, that needs to be cleared up first.
Does anyone have any comments/criticisms? I asked what about our 25 D and he said he called and told her yesterday and her comment was "whatever makes you happy" I told him, well what makes you happy does not make me happy.
my advice is to proceed with divorce when he's feeling generous, confused, and full of guilt. I understand you want to keep standing. but what it comes down to is that divorce is a business decision. it does not mean there is no chance of reconciliation down the road. my H has said multiple times that he wants a D since last year. If we had signed a d agreement then, it would certainly be more advantageous for me financially. just something for you to think about!
I understand what you are saying. I think he is very naive about money, since I have always paid the bills. I know that on my list this week is meeting some attorneys so I can see where I stand. But I also think he is being kind, because he is “escaping” to something he thinks is better.
This whole 15 months I was encouraged because his BD was “I don’t want to be married anymore” he never said divorce. He also, keep saying he knows we have bills that need to be taken care of first.
It was like he was telling me, that although this is taking a while “I want a divorce eventually” I don’t want to get less than what I deserve and what he is offering, but if I put his money where his mouth is, wouldn’t that be going towards a divorce?
This has really upset me. I guess I thought I could DB and things would work.
On the plus side, I am going to tell him that he can move into the living room as D25 is coming home from being gone two years at grad school and she needs her bedroom. Now the weirdness that we lived with while she was home at the beginning of the lockdown has been addressed and it won’t be an unspoken mystery.
I really feel strange. Just this weekend I was thinking about redoing and getting new furniture for our bedroom and remodeling the bathroom and kitchen. I dont have any money, but I was dreaming. Was I sending out some energy that I wanted a divorce? I know that sounds dumb, but I am bewildered.
Sorry for the tangent, I am just so sad. No one except my counselor knows (and now our daughter) but I don’t want to talk to anyone.
