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Thinking of you - chin up. You will get through it, and however it turns out, you will be freer at the end. Yay!

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I will be thinking of you this afternoon. Good luck and no matter what happens, you will definitely have the load lifted quite a bit off your shoulders.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Wishing you luck and light today, Pax. You've got this.


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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thank you so much! Appreciate the support and positive vibes.

It wasn’t as horrible as I imagined, but we are going to trial. Not surprising.

The mediator caught on pretty quickly and said it seemed like ex had been primed and, as such, the mediator was suspicious. The mediator started the convo by touting his amazing track record for settling tough cases and within 15 minutes was saying, no way are you guys going to settle. He even called ex’s lawyer an a**h***. That’s what we’re dealing with here.... welcome to the party....

If any of you recall details from my story from like a year or two ago.... ex brought up the stupid beanie again. He wants a beanie back that he thinks I have. And it’s an item in our litigation. Sigh.

Should I just go on amazon and buy him 50 beanies?!?!

I couldn’t even believe it came up in the division of property/assets. Oh my word.


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A beanie?! That is nuts.

It’s unfortunate the mediation didn’t work out, but it sounds like it was doomed to fail.

How long until trial?


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Oh and some other thoughts-

Through an interesting circumstance, ex and I ended up sitting across from each other while the mediator and lawyers were getting situated. He has gone through great lengths over the years to avoid eye contact with me except for the few times he’s scolded me. I’ve mentioned in other sharings that he often has his sunglasses on when he’s around me to avoid eye contact as well. So today as we were sitting there, he was doing his usual fidgety business, but I was feeling pretty strong and I was checking him out. I can look at him and I can make eye contact. I was paying attention to his features trying to recognize the man I once knew, But he wasn’t there.

I didn’t see someone who looked terribly happy. He was dressed well, like how he used to dress before his Abercrombie phase that was followed by his sons of anarchy biker phase. He did have a lot of facial hair like a mini beard which isn’t anything he used to have. His eyes though...i could see it in his eyes that something was off. Like it happens to all of us... he’s gotten older and he now looks his age. I wonder if the beard was to cover it up. Also his hair was a lot darker than I remember. I don’t know if he’s getting much sunlight or if he’s coloring it... or if it just darker period.

Also, I genuinely felt bad for him. He has an issue with elevators which is problematic. He uses them, but today he didn’t/couldn’t. And a lot of folks snickered when they heard that he was waiting downstairs bc of the elevator issue. In my heart I felt bad for the guy because I want nobody to be laughed at for something out of control. Then I’m reminded that it’s ex and it could be an act, like as a way to set the stage to keep saying my dog is his support animal. Sad, but true. Regardless if it was ex or a complete stranger... I don’t like when people are laughed at and my heart hurt for him for a little bit.

Maybe I just saw him as a hurt young boy today. True, he doesn’t want to face reality and his actions have put him in a precarious situation (the mediator mentioned my ex did something that could be considered criminal), but as we know, hurt people hurt people. In my heart I want to believe that this whole thing has blown so far out of proportion that he doesn’t even know how to reel it in because that would require ownership and accountability.

At first, I got a huge chuckle out of the beanie situation getting brought up. But as I’ve reflected on it... I realize that’s all he’s got. It’s so minor to me, but it’s An issue for him. And maybe that beanie actually did mean something to him. If he’s still stuck in MLC, I’m dealing with an 11 year old boy who lost his brother and best friend, having a token from a special time likely means a lot.

So... I found a nearly exact replica (from what I can remember) of the lost beanie on Etsy. I can buy it and ship it to him without a word. Im not sure I’m going to do this, but it’s an option. 1) it will get him off my back about the stupid thing and 2) for whatever reason he feels like he needs this beanie. Whether it’s to get at me for something or because it is of actual sentimental value to him .. I’m not sure.

Last edited by Pax_luv; 12/13/19 07:57 AM.

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Pax,

The beanie is a major issue w/him. If you can locate one that is very similar to the one that he thinks you have, I would purchase it. It is a small item and most likely not too expensive...but that beanie means something to him. They all have something that they want to hold on to and to us it's crazy, but to them....it's very important. I think I would give it to him versus sending it to him and I would explain that you don't have the original one, but you were able to find one very similar...otherwise, he will think that you've been holding the original beanie hostage. You have to make it very clear that you do not have the original one, but were willing to locate another one for him because you realized the original beanie was very important to him. He may come to realize that you are telling the truth about the original one and that you went the extra mile to give him another one. Time will tell on how he reacts to this gesture, but it is a gesture of good will.

It's sad when you can see clearly and can see that they are not the same people we loved. His eyes reflect his feelings about himself and the world. He's a very lost man/child and it's going to take him a very long time, if ever, to cross over and become a mature man.

For now, all you can do is pray for him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Pax,

Well, you had a good idea it wouldn't mediate, and you were right. Glad it wasn't taxing. Now it is just the scales of justice creeping along, but with the expectation of any other result gone, you can instead focus on the ultimate finality. If he comes along before then with a ready-to-go you'd take, then do, but don't keep spending money trying to negotiate with a narcissist. It just doesn't work.

Mediators often communicate with the court afterward. If they deal in the same courts a lot, he may well have signaled to the court where the problem was. All you can do is continue to comport yourself. Great job on getting through.

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So now that I’ve had a day to decompress... it’s starting to sink in.

The trial will likely be 3 days in the fall, unless there’s a cancellation. I won’t have an official trial date until our next court date in Jan but the judge said they were booking into September already. I’ll pray for cancellations for something sooner.

The reality of the cost of going to trial is sinking in. I’ve been doing ok the last 6 months because of ex’s sanctions, but those will run out soon and I’ll be stuck scrounging to pay for a 25k trial. Surpisingly enough, the mediator said it would be worth the expense. It freaks me out... it was dire for me for a bit.

The mediator was definitely impartial but he let his feelings about the case be quite known. He thought ex and his lawyer were unrealistic and had a few choice words about them. Who knows what he was saying about me and my lawyer to them....

Anyway, he was very adament about not mediating the dog issue... “his time was too valuable for that.” But was certain we could come up with middle ground. Sigh.

He didn’t understand what ex’s problem was regarding the house. All I’m asking for is my half of the equity. The mediator was like, I don’t get it.... he pays her xxx, he keeps the house and still walks away with an asset worth 4 times what I’m walking with.

The mediator also poked some holes in my stuff too. Things I need to be aware of to protect myself from their arguments.

He mentioned the criminal/ illegal acts my ex did with our finances, and really tried to narrow down what their final # was. See, they didn’t propose anything to settle....only that ex got everything. So the mediator said, stop wasting my time now and give me your number. Ex and his lawyer came back with a number that didn’t even cover my legal fees to date. It was a hard no from me.

Ok and here’s where I’m reminded of what a petty arse my ex is. As we were dividing furniture, China, appliances etc in the house, basically I’m not wanting anything. I’ve moved on... it’s just stuff and anything left is tainted to me. I loved my wedding China and consulted my lawyer on it... but the reality is... it’s tainted to me. Marriage did represent something to me. I could have gotten it and sold it, but I don’t care about that money. I’m really not trying to nickel and and dime this.

So I said, the only thing I want is a birdhouse my grandfather made (value $0)
And a small copper windmill that was also my grandfathers. The copper may be worth something but thats not why I wanted it.

So the mediator was like fine, great, and ex’s lawyer was like “NO! It’s community property, she needs to pay ex half of the value if she wants it.” Meanwhile I’m giving ex EVERYTHING else in that house. The greed with these guys is off the charts.

Ok and this is when the beanie came up. (Rolls eyes). Petty petty petty petty.


Alright... so when I go to pick up my dog yesterday, the birdhouse that has been up this whole time is now gone. Yup. Petty petty petty. He knows I wanted it and was making sure I just didn’t take it.


And I know you are probably thinking to yourself- why didn’t you just get those things when you moved out, pax. It’s because he was the one who packed me up and I didn’t even think to go there. I was too emotional. At the beginning of this, it was only supposed to be a temporary separation and I treated it as such. He manipulated me out of the house. I was so so so so stupid.

Lessons learned. Definitely won’t happen again.


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Yes, he is very petty and is acting like a two year old. If your grandfather made those things, then you should have them. They were a gift to you. I just get this impression that he is doing all of this BS to stall things and that he really doesn't want to go through w/a divorce.

I think they all get petty when it comes down to the home and what's in it. It's not about the fact that they really want the items, but the fact that they want control and for us to beg for things. My eh tried that, but he totally forgot who he was dealing with and my kindness and compassion were put on the back burner and the business side of me came out and he knew then, he wasn't going to have an easy time of it in negotiating w/me.

Know one is going to ask why you didn't get those things from the house because we all have made mistakes and many of us tend to think that maybe, just maybe these pod people will show a bit of compassion and give a little. We don't discover that they are complete and utter @sses until it comes down to splitting things up.

Now, you need to put your business suit on and look at this situation from the business side. You've been such a kind and compassionate woman thus far...but this deal sux and you need to toughen up. He wants a beanie, then he gives you the birdhouse. Time to play hard ball.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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