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unchien #2876315 12/16/19 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien
IW ~ Your posts always make me pause and reconsider my thoughts. I wasn't clear in my earlier posts, but lately I feel like I'm sacrificing in so many ways - time with the kids, financially, going to C to try to be amicable in the face of abuse.

Sometimes I struggle, like many of us, to separate my feelings from the tangible - custody, finances, etc.


You are sacrificing a lot, U. I don't say what I say to be mean, I hope it doesn't come off that way. It's what I see from your words - and i see that you're giving this certain level of power to your W in your mind.

But I think you can turn it into a positive or growing experience for you. I'm currently doing something similar - I practice not reacting if and when my W says or does something illogical. I remove the context of how she says it, replying only to the words. I screw up sometimes but others I am successful. It takes a LOT of practice - but I think it's something you can do. smile

Originally Posted by unchien

Feelings: Yes, I feel controlled. Take the issue of continuing to go to C. I'm not even sure what DB would say is the right thing to do. Do I continue to go, show my W I am not afraid of her, and stand up to her allegations? Or do I stop going, because the very act of going to C is a way of her controlling me?


She doesn't control you, if it feels like that it is because you are allowing it to feel that way in your mind. "Standing up to someone's allegations" or "showing her she can't control you" in MC are IMO not good reasons to go to MC. I know it sounds like I'm a broken record here, but I do not think going to MC with a person that does not want to work on a M is a good idea.

The trick is to stand up for yourself in a way that is also kind to yourself, your kids, and W (as much as it is possible) - in a way that is unique to your sit because only you know your sit fully. I don't know what that answer looks like for you, U. Only you can decide what that looks like, what you want in life, and how to implement it in a way that is functional for you and your kids.
Originally Posted by unchien

The watch? She pings me about him wearing the watch. What do I do? The watch itself is a symbol of control.

Tangible: Custody - I want more. Finances - I am effectively supporting her way above what I would need to in a post-D world. Strip away feelings, I am giving way in all these areas. It needs to be addressed. It's not about how I feel about them... it is simply me handing over money and time with my kids for no discernible reason other than that's how it is. That's not working for me.

And I also tell myself, from a DB perspective, there is no benefit to continuing to support my W's fantasy that D is going to look like our situation does today.


I see what everyone else is posting about lawyers and mediation here, and I'll be honest - I don't know if I should be giving any advice on that. It seems like there are a lot of people here who are divorced and /or who have experience with mediation. So from a self-protection standpoint, I defer to them on that.

I would only suggest that you try and keep things as amicable as possible - even if you have to fake it in front of your W. Do that for the kids' sake. I do have a lot of experience with parents who selfishly and maliciously went after each other for years. That dysfunctional dynamic in my formative years contributed in a big way to the failure of my own MR.

Originally Posted by unchien

Sigh... I know I'm making DB mistakes left and right in this post, just spinning a lot lately...

I know the feeling. I was spinning all weekend for no apparent reason. Sometimes it just happens. It's okay - don't be so hard on yourself.

My IC told me when it feels like everything is out of control, find one small thing that you CAN do, and do that.

For example - my finances are horrible - have been for a long time, and it was like a weight hanging over my head on top of all this other [censored]. So I decided to make an appointment with a financial advisor.

I was only able to do one thing with regards to finances. But doing that one small thing actually made me feel a little better, and helped to slow the spinning on that front.

You might try that yourself - find one small thing you can do, that only you can control. If its finances that are bugging you, you can visit an advisor. You don't even have to discuss the whole MR sit - just see if it's possible to reorganize your finances on your own. The act of doing something will help.

This is so tough, man - but you're doing great. Stay strong, U smile

unchien #2876351 12/16/19 03:49 PM
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U, listen to Rooskers, separate from her financially and lawyer up. This isn't about being vindictive, it's about protecting yourself. You've said she's controlling and manipulative, and that she's spending 700 on groceries (no she's not, she's probably hoarding cash and will claim it as marital debt). Too many red flags. Get an L as soon as possible and start taking measures to protect yourself.

Rooskers approach was to protect himself without being mean or vindictive or burning any bridges. I think the way he handled it probably earned him the respect of his W. She'd never admit it but she probably couldn't help but respect the strength he showed in handling things.

Last edited by AnotherStander; 12/16/19 03:52 PM.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
unchien #2876355 12/16/19 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien
Adding to my thoughts...

My understanding is mediation works when both parties are trying to be amicable and there is no significant power imbalance.

We both profess to wanting an amicable D. But on the power front, my W seems very controlling and unpredictable to me. Rather than negotiate with someone digging in their heels in a position far off from what is legally “normal”, I feel it might give me peace of mind to handle this through L’s.


I think you and/or your wife are misunderstanding mediation. Mediation isn't (and shouldn't be) to give one party an advantage or better deal. It's just a chance to try to negotiate a settlement between the parties. it's to give party's a fair chance to discuss and resolve the outstanding issues. You don't need a lawyer for mediation, but some have it

Also, most likely...even with Ls you will have a negotiated settlement. The vast vast majority of divorce cases in the US do not go to any sort of trial. People see mediation as less expensive because you don't have to have a L. But it doesn't mean that it will be quick or easy just because you call it mediation. The role of mediator is to facilitate the agreement - not to make decisions.

If your W is making wild demands or digging in her heels or is unpredictable then it won't matte if she uses mediation or the Ls.

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You've said she's controlling and manipulative, and that she's spending 700 on groceries (no she's not, she's probably hoarding cash and will claim it as marital debt). Too many red flags. Get an L as soon as possible and start taking measures to protect yourself.


AS is right because I'm doing this. I'm trying to convert my savings to cash by taking out $20-$40 out in cash every time I buy groceries. My only regret is not doing this sooner.

I lawyer'd up as soon as WAH started trying to make handshake deals and offering me pretty much nothing. He is too delusional to mediate with. He responded by not filing for D when he realized it wasn't going to go his way. I filed for D after he evicted me from my house and quit paying my bills. I have saved up cash and I am prepared for war. Hope for the best prepare for the worst.

Quote
Rooskers approach was to protect himself without being mean or vindictive or burning any bridges. I think the way he handled it probably earned him the respect of his W. She'd never admit it but she probably couldn't help but respect the strength he showed in handling things.


I agree with this. WAH is going to flip out when he gets served but deep down he will respect me. People always respect those who stand up for themselves even if there is hatred between them.


Last edited by kas99; 12/16/19 06:25 PM.
unchien #2876387 12/16/19 06:45 PM
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Hi U,

Have you seen an L just for a consult? It might make sense just to be sure you can know your rights and it is a positive step towards protecting yourself. Also, I could be wrong, but my understanding is that the longer you let things go on (like being OK with having less than 50-50 custody in the meantime) it could damage your prospects for it going forward.

It does seem to me like standing up for yourself and your own rights and for time with your kids can never be a bad thing from a DB perspective or not. Also, a side effect just may be that her fantasy starts to deteriorate... and likely things will get worse before they get better... but if things are pretty sh***ty right now, why not take a step in a positive direction for yourself even if it feels like a step away from R?

Stay strong. You got this!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
unchien #2876392 12/16/19 07:18 PM
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May is right. If youíve followed me for 5 minutes youíd know I read everything. Status quo both financially and custody issues are difficult to overcome should she decide to fight you. Iím in the same boat financially. If he can prove I donít need alimony I wonít get it.

You need a litigator. If you can take a day or two off go sit in family court and find one you like. Introduce yourself and get a business card. If your wife cooperates then youíre good and it wonít cost much if not youíre prepared. I already know who my judge is so Iím going to go sit in court myself to get a feel for him.

Experience: I work in a court.

unchien #2876414 12/16/19 10:06 PM
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Thanks all.

I have a L I consulted awhile ago who would be my first choice.

The key point is through mediation or other means I should get this ball rolling ASAP.

Everything appears amicable now. But thatís because I have been willing to be unhappy to keep things ďamicableĒ on the surface. Thatís on me. It is NGS behavior.

I need to drop the goal of an amicable D for now. I will still conduct myself respectfully and be cordial and willing to negotiate and coparent, etc. I will also assert my needs.

At the same time, Iím not going to cave into fears that I may lose custody or she may clean out the bank accounts. We arenít at that point yet. Iíll be monitoring accounts daily now just in case. For groceries, last time she came to my house she dropped off several bags of different homemade Xmas goodies. Iím pretty sure she went out and spent a bunch on the supplies, special bags, etc. Definitely frivolous given our current situation.

unchien #2876416 12/16/19 10:13 PM
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See the frivolous spending should stop but as I type this WAH hasnít stopped. They donít stop until forced to.

unchien #2876440 12/17/19 02:51 AM
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W texted me about an agenda for our upcoming meeting. She wanted to add some miscellaneous home repairs to the list. Plus talking about the kids, April spring break, holidays.

I said ďI would like us to have a clear plan and timetable for starting mediation by the end of our meeting.Ē

unchien #2876458 12/17/19 11:43 AM
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U,
Just wanted to chime in and say I know this has to be hard. Its like I'm looking in to my own future posts. Keep on the positive changes you've shown everyone here! Keep your head up and keep posting.

I like your verbiage, shows strength and leadership at a time where many people would be weak and caving in.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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