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unchien #2875918 12/12/19 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien


Most importantly,

- She didn't realize she agreed to the 2-3-4-5 schedule. She thought I only wanted to add 2 days per month. She's "not okay" with my proposal and thinks it isn't "fair." This apparently was a text miscommunication... and of course she continues with text to try to communicate.
Did she agree to this in writing?

Is the current split 50/50? This is the only thing that is "Fair" for your children.

Even then, you have options of throwing in truth darts like "Non of this is fair to our children." but I would hold off on this. Negotiate what is best for your children living with separated parents.





"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
unchien #2875924 12/12/19 09:47 PM
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Uni. I can say this as an emotionally reactive person. Back in March in my sitch I started implementing the email only communication protocol. It's a good protocol for several reasons. It gives you time and space to emotionally collect and protect yourself. It becomes a paper trail for all requests receipts and documentation for the divorce. it's also beneficial because you can carefully take the time to word out what you need to say and articulate as well as be assertive with. In my situation there was memory problems on both my side and XW side on what was discussed and how discussions would get misinterpreted or rewritten in her mind, or things would come up that she thought she told me she never did because her own memory was dealing with so much. That is what frustrated the hell out of me was no accountability and this went on all throughout our marriage. She would blame it on my memory I would blame it on hers and round and round we went with important occasions and no resolve. So email made it very clear cut. There would be times where she wanted to keep having discussions with me of importance. I would have to tell her email email email email email.... stick with the protocol ...email me so I can keep record of everything and I can hold her accountable to her words and memory as well as hold myself accountable. if I need to backtrack or re-read something of importance now I have an archive of it.

I put that boundary in place because things were getting heated and misconstrued over text message. Plus I got tired of being bothered with only logistical things that weren't top priority at the moment. Being called, getting emotionally attached to her voice, or having an important discussion while I'm on my way out the door when I was in the marital home. Plus I also wanted to detach more. Since then XW and I loosen that restraint a little and we are back to texting. But only out of necessity, either for the sake of S2, or if either one of us have to get something from one another otherwise she barely bothers me anymore with the exception keeping on offering me shared stuff from the home that I don't want in my place or she keeps inviting me to family occasions, when I made it clear months ago I'm not interested in doing things together if we're not together. A few occasions we did together like Santa pictures and Halloween with the kid otherwise I politely decline, like invite to dinner and time with her and her family. I know it has nothing to do with me and it's only for the sake of S2 when I shouldn't read into it.

Any way back to you. I would stick with the email protocol as it holds both of you accountable for what you say, suggest, offer, agree upon etc. Like you said I would be assertive with your needs as far as Financial Arrangements custody time with the children, mediation, etc. Set the boundary that you're only willing to communicate through email only for the sake of protecting yourself and keeping people accountable. If she doesn't answer them, or respond to them in a timely manner then that's on her, actions have consequences or lack of. Eventually with the paper trail and divorce complaint it's going to go to snail mail. if she can't respond to email or snail mail. How can she have a verbal conversation with you. It works both ways you know

unchien #2875925 12/12/19 09:50 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien

But... I feel like I need to stop catering to my W under the label that I am "DB-ing". Stop going to C sessions under the guise of trying to be better co-parents. Stop tolerating a less-than-"fair in the eyes of the law" custody and financial situation. Stop dealing with her waiting until the last minute then peppering me with texts.

I feel like I need to go to C tomorrow and be firm and resolute. "We need to start mediation by X date. Our current arrangement, or small changes to it, is not longer acceptable to me. I agreed to this arrangement during our separation as a path for us to work on the MR."

Any thoughts on this are welcome.


^^^100% agree with your plan^^^ Also R2C and IH are right, if you're negotiating visitation then do so in writing (email or text).

Last edited by AnotherStander; 12/12/19 09:50 PM.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
unchien #2876209 12/15/19 09:20 AM
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Short update as I have family in town.

C was postponed until next week by W. She was selling mediation hard last week, and with time passing I feel more strongly that she wants mediation because itís her best way to get what she wants. Iím leaning heavily towards just doing this with Lís.

I donít see much benefit to mediation other than it would be the most cost effective way to D if we were amicable. The heavy power dynamic makes me think mediation is a waste of time and emotional energy that I should be using towards my self improvement.

My W wants to keep the house. Itís not financially possible unless I cave in. She wonít go back to work until she knows where she is living. The custody situation is perpetually unclear. Little financial slips are constant, and she is always bending the rules that we both agreed to. If I ask for an item from the house, she wants to purchase a replacement. Iím tired of negotiating all these little things.

Iím just done. I donít want to ďL upĒ out of anger. But it feels like the best option I have or I will keep sacrificing my time with the kids and money for a situation I am not happy with.

unchien #2876248 12/15/19 05:29 PM
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Adding to my thoughts...

My understanding is mediation works when both parties are trying to be amicable and there is no significant power imbalance.

We both profess to wanting an amicable D. But on the power front, my W seems very controlling and unpredictable to me. Rather than negotiate with someone digging in their heels in a position far off from what is legally ďnormalĒ, I feel it might give me peace of mind to handle this through Lís.

Iím always doubting my instincts. I want to 180 on conflict avoidance.

Am I wrong to think mediating with a controlling and domineering person is going to be a huge money, time, and emotional sink?

unchien #2876260 12/15/19 08:19 PM
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Hey U -

Soft 2x4 here - Someone only controls and dominates when you allow them that power in your mind.

You're giving your W that power by reinforcing and repeating this idea in your own mind.

The situation always is what it is, no more no less. Maybe that sounds like zen nonsense, I get it, believe me I always used to think that too. But - have you tried not reacting to her decisions or her non-decisions?

LH55 told me one time "the reason you are so tired is because you are fighting everything she wants to do. Let her go be happy."

I would pick the most important things (time with the kids) and prioritize. I would recommend letting the small things go.

My 2 cents...

Enjoy time with family, man - take care and stay strong! smile

unchien #2876268 12/15/19 09:11 PM
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IW -

Money is also becoming a problem. She is spending it frivolously lately. I am concerned about her transparency. Nobody needs to spend $700 on groceries for instance.

unchien #2876296 12/16/19 03:16 AM
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99% of the time mediation is the best route. You are in that other 1%.

You should immediately find a good lawyer, give them a written list of your absolutes (asset %, support amount, support duration, custody split, future child/education expense slit), pay the retainer and completely remove yourself from the process.

In some cases you may have to attempt mediation. If you do, go with your lawyer and agree to nothing unless they tell you to.


As for the grocery bills, she is probably getting cash back and buying gift cards. That is SOP for people in her situation. I bet you wouldnt believe how much cash and assets she has that you dont know about.

unchien #2876304 12/16/19 06:47 AM
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IW ~ Your posts always make me pause and reconsider my thoughts. I wasn't clear in my earlier posts, but lately I feel like I'm sacrificing in so many ways - time with the kids, financially, going to C to try to be amicable in the face of abuse.

Sometimes I struggle, like many of us, to separate my feelings from the tangible - custody, finances, etc.

Feelings: Yes, I feel controlled. Take the issue of continuing to go to C. I'm not even sure what DB would say is the right thing to do. Do I continue to go, show my W I am not afraid of her, and stand up to her allegations? Or do I stop going, because the very act of going to C is a way of her controlling me?

The watch? She pings me about him wearing the watch. What do I do? The watch itself is a symbol of control.

Tangible: Custody - I want more. Finances - I am effectively supporting her way above what I would need to in a post-D world. Strip away feelings, I am giving way in all these areas. It needs to be addressed. It's not about how I feel about them... it is simply me handing over money and time with my kids for no discernible reason other than that's how it is. That's not working for me.

And I also tell myself, from a DB perspective, there is no benefit to continuing to support my W's fantasy that D is going to look like our situation does today.

Sigh... I know I'm making DB mistakes left and right in this post, just spinning a lot lately...

unchien #2876305 12/16/19 07:36 AM
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unchien I can only give you the advice my lawyer did, what many people on here have said, and what helped me the most. This is a divorce busting site but I think it has evolved into something much more. When my wife BD'd me for the second time after reconciling for 10 years I basically said there is the door and retained a lawyer immediately. He advised I cease all contact except about D13 and only to communicate thru email. This would prevent her from being able to bring harassment and abuse claims against me which he said is all to common. He said to start keeping a journal of interactions with XW in case situations needed to be looked at in front of a judge. He also told me to cancel all credit cards in both our names, split finances as much as possible, and to have all of it done in writing. I joined this site not to prevent divorce but to save myself. I have implemented all the strategies this board has to offer and if XW ever wanted to reconcile in the future I will consider it then but in the meantime I am fully protected by the divorce decree. This means there is a document stating what the exact parenting schedule is, who picks up and drops off D13, and exactly how finances are split. I felt an immediate divorce this time around was the safest option for me and honestly after reading the 100's of sitches from this board and many others I feel like in most cases it is the safest option. Divorce in no way prevents reconciliation in the future.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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