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may22 #2878058 12/30/19 05:33 AM
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Originally Posted by may22
Hey U,

I was reading your post on IW's thread about purpose, and I wanted to gently push back on that. Can you take a "purpose" like being a family man, and break it down? What does it really mean to you, beyond what you see from the outside?

I feel like "family man" is an idea that is made up of a number of different values, and many of them you already live out every day-- being a good dad, being there for people you care about and care about you (including folks on this forum!), etc etc. Those are important values and you can honor them in your life -- build purpose-- without fitting the exterior mold of a "family man."

Just a thought. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the importance of purpose.

M.

may22 ~ You said more eloquently what I was trying to say. For me, over-identifying as a "family man" meant staying married at all costs. The term "family man" may imply values but it is vague. Being a "family man" meant not devoting time to myself, not taking care of my own emotions, but judging myself as a "good father/husband" because I worked and came home every night.

I think you nailed it... our values are what matter.

unchien #2878061 12/30/19 05:43 AM
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A lot of thought-provoking comments on my thread today.

I can put it succinctly... what is best for me is to have a better situation with my kids and finances. This has nothing to do with my W's thoughts or feelings or circumstances.

unchien #2878083 12/30/19 02:49 PM
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I can put it succinctly... what is best for me is to have a better situation with my kids and finances. This has nothing to do with my W's thoughts or feelings or circumstances.


I think it's easy to justify falling on your sword when the WAS manipulates you into believing that it's all your fault.

kas99 #2878137 12/30/19 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by kas99
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I can put it succinctly... what is best for me is to have a better situation with my kids and finances. This has nothing to do with my W's thoughts or feelings or circumstances.


I think it's easy to justify falling on your sword when the WAS manipulates you into believing that it's all your fault.

True.

My point was that I have been getting a lot of feedback here which confirms what I already know... I'm starting to do exactly what I accused my W of doing. Finding fuel to motivate me to take the next step. I need to focus on myself, and stop worrying about what she is thinking or why she is doing what she is doing.

The existing situation with my kids and money is not sustainable or acceptable to me. Thus I need to take action, or I am continuing to perpetuate my own suffering. That's it.

I contacted some mediators yesterday, and e-mailed my W about our options.

Then I went on a long hike in the mountains. It was basically a 2 hour meditation... constantly catching my wandering mind as it tried to think about my situation, and bringing it back to the moment. The sound of the rain, the cool breeze, the smell of wet leaves, the looming fog, the incredible rock formations carved by the ocean millions of years ago. Then my mind would wrestle back control and have me thinking about lawyers and next steps and I would gently bring it back.

unchien #2878576 01/03/20 09:35 AM
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hey U,

how are things going? Did your wife respond on the options?

Your hike sounds amazing.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
unchien #2878614 01/03/20 04:35 PM
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may ~

Thanks for checking in.

W and I have a phone call scheduled this weekend. She didn't respond on the options yet (or acknowledge the e-mail - par for the course).

One of my NY resolutions is to reduce my rambling post rate here =) I recognize the anxiety trap - it feels good to pour out my feelings, but it also exacerbates the anxiety by thinking about it too much.

Like most resolutions we'll see how long this one lasts!

unchien #2878617 01/03/20 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien
may ~

Thanks for checking in.

W and I have a phone call scheduled this weekend. She didn't respond on the options yet (or acknowledge the e-mail - par for the course).

One of my NY resolutions is to reduce my rambling post rate here =) I recognize the anxiety trap - it feels good to pour out my feelings, but it also exacerbates the anxiety by thinking about it too much.

Like most resolutions we'll see how long this one lasts!


I found that not putting it out there or not posting it just made it live in my head longer, but to each his own.

Good luck.

Mario #2878622 01/03/20 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Mario
I found that not putting it out there or not posting it just made it live in my head longer, but to each his own.

Good luck.
I think there is a balance I'd like to strike. I have found that pouring out my feelings here has not necessarily eased my anxiety or the flow of thoughts/worries/concerns. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.

Mario #2878626 01/03/20 05:05 PM
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I found that not putting it out there or not posting it just made it live in my head longer, but to each his own.


Same. I get criticized for focusing too much on WAH but posting gets it out of my head.

unchien #2878627 01/03/20 05:07 PM
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Hey U -

I find that it's good to have a record of how I was feeling and at what time. It's also good for me to measure how much progress there has been (or lack thereof). Otherwsie I get into the habit of thinking/feeling that things are just as miserable as when BD happened, which - when I go back and re-read my sit - is definitely not the case.

But to each his own smile

Happy New Year, man - stay strong!

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