I need to tell someone what is happening. Only my therapist, my husband and me know. I am new to this board, but seven months in to this gift of a MLC. (sarcasm)
Been married 27 years, one D, 24. (away at Grad school)
For a few years my H has seemed distant. I would ask if he was ok, I even told him he didn't seem happy. He works long hours and has to travel. Because of the travel, I have always stepped up to keep the house running and to not complain while he was gone. He already was missing out on things so why make it worse?
Back in 2013, I had a health scare that required surgery. I was fine, but it was a scary time. Our D was nearing graduation and surgery just was an added event. At that time, I remember very distinctly his boss calling me to see how I was and commented that my H told him "he couldn't lose me" I thought to myself it was a weird comment, because my H was never very demonstrative.
Since 2013, we have had some fun times. However, if I had to pinpoint a "life event" that could have caused concern, our D graduated college and his uncle made a Will as he is nearing 80. My H is extremely close to him. My H began online gambling and bought lottery tickets daily. He would attend events, but was very standoffish. Funnily, before this happened, we began heading out to the beach on the weekends to spend time together.
earlier this year, I had to have surgery (all good) and surgery was a Friday, I was home Sat and he left Sun to go out of the country. He missed Easter and came back a week after. He was home two weeks and durning that time the BD happened. I reacted weird. I stepped away. I asked him once, what was he going to do, where would he live and I mentioned that we had so many plans for our future. He responded that I knew he wasn't happy and he "didn't want to be married anymore" A week later, he left the country for an absence of three months. No contact except to text for money. He has never asked for anymore and I get his paychecks and still pay the bills.
He posted on FB that he was in the city where he was going and I went through the people that liked it and a woman "hearted" the comment. I went to her profile and he had been posting how much he loved her a week before he left to be there. H is 56 she is 26. (NIIIICE)
So then I knew, H was off the deep end. My C suggested MLC and I figured that couldn't be because he didn't buy a sports car. While he was gone, I finished recovery and began getting a life. When he came back, he was pleasant but distant and has never slept in our room. He sleeps on the couch or our D's room. We have not had any conversations regarding our M since the BD. Most days he comes home and walks straight to D's room and shuts the door. He does not eat at the house. He showers in our bathroom connected to our master early in the AM then leaves. I can go DAYS without one word from him.
I have watched the relationship with OW go up and down like a junior HS kid. He does not know I know. I do get some pleasure out of watching this unfold with her. He apparently got engaged. She has two young kids. It looks as if she posts on IG and FB for men's attention. His parents got divorced when we were getting married. My C thinks his dad is NPD. My H has never been an emotional person. He still is not. He is friendly to neighbors and once when my sister came by, totally normal. Since this has been going on, we are total roommates. I do my thing and he is a hermit. I am happy he is home at night, but his ignoring me is brutal. I don't know if he is in replay, Withdrawal or Depression. He has gone to see her a few times, and each time, I don't think it turns our well. BUT he still goes.
I just had to post, it has been hard keeping this from everyone. Thanks
Last edited by job; 04/12/2006:57 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just in general it sounds like MLC. Regarding OW, it sounds like you are hoping it will crash and burn, but just understand she is an EFFECT of what he is going through, not the CAUSE. She will come and go, and then there will probably be OW2, OW3, who knows how many. It sounds like you are giving him tons of time and space, that is GOOD! Not speaking to him days at a time actually plays in your favor. MLCers cannot stand pressure so you are doing good at removing the pressure. Whatever he is going through, you can't help him. It's a journey he has to make alone.
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I don't know if he is in replay, Withdrawal or Depression
MLC is not an exact science where the various stages are obvious. It's very confusing and cloudy. You can't really "diagnose" someone as being in MLC or determine what stage of it they are in, or how long they will be in it and when they will come out of the tunnel. Read the threads and stickies in the MLC forum, I think they will help.
I thought I posted a reply...I would love if it crashed and burned. But I know I have no say so and this isn’t about me or the OW. It is easy to give space since he won’t talk to me. I have had instances where he looks at me like he doesn’t know who I am. My C said I need to avoid his fantasy and leave him be. He is in deep.
As much as I would like a resolution to this, the only way it would happen now is if I filed. I don’t want to do that. So I am just going to continue on the path I was put on. Thank you!
hi PLC - just dropping by to offer support. I find this forum to be a great outlet for me. I've told a few close friends about our problems in the beginning, but other than that I don't really want to involve them in this emotional roller coaster.
Don't let his ignoring you get to you. Give distance & time. Love yourself.
Thank you Woosa! I am just so sad right now. I just picked up our D who is coming home for the holidays. We came in the house and he has made his bed in the living room. He is in his “bed” awake on his phone texting. No greeting to our D! What an ass. This is when I get angry. Ignore me, but she really has no skin in the game. It makes me so mad. My C says my daughter is not part of the fantasy life (plus she’s almost the same age as the OW) I wonder if his relationship with the OW is crashing and burning and he is being hyper focused on repairing that....but that is just me wondering. Tomorrow is another day, and I’ll keep on moving along.
If anyone has experiences with this kind of behavior, I’d love input. Thanks.
Just in general it sounds like MLC. Regarding OW, it sounds like you are hoping it will crash and burn, but just understand she is an EFFECT of what he is going through, not the CAUSE. She will come and go, and then there will probably be OW2, OW3, who knows how many. It sounds like you are giving him tons of time and space, that is GOOD! Not speaking to him days at a time actually plays in your favor. MLCers cannot stand pressure so you are doing good at removing the pressure. Whatever he is going through, you can't help him. It's a journey he has to make alone.
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I don't know if he is in replay, Withdrawal or Depression
MLC is not an exact science where the various stages are obvious. It's very confusing and cloudy. You can't really "diagnose" someone as being in MLC or determine what stage of it they are in, or how long they will be in it and when they will come out of the tunnel. Read the threads and stickies in the MLC forum, I think they will help.
Good luck and keep posting!
Not to disagree but I will tell you he is in REPLAY. If there is another person it is REPLAY.
Depression is part of all stages of MLC and the STAGE of Depression comes much later when he is actually returning and not leaving.
So, as long as we know that there is no OW anywhere, he is replay? Ugh, ok. I mean, I didn’t think it would be over so quickly. Would replay cause the complete ignoring? That’s why I thought it was withdrawal or depression. Maybe that is due to his OW relationship not being perfect?
So, as long as we know that there is no OW anywhere, he is replay? Ugh, ok. I mean, I didn’t think it would be over so quickly. Would replay cause the complete ignoring? That’s why I thought it was withdrawal or depression. Maybe that is due to his OW relationship not being perfect?
I am not sure what you are saying here ^^^^^
but this
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He has gone to see her a few times, and each time, I don't think it turns our well. BUT he still goes.
He is still seeking another person so hence REPLAY.
I realized after I wrote that I didn’t make much sense. What I mean, is that as until there is no sign of any OW, he will be in replay? I realize I may not know of any OW. But is that the meaning? He will stop looking for someone else to be with?
I realized after I wrote that I didn’t make much sense. What I mean, is that as until there is no sign of any OW, he will be in replay? I realize I may not know of any OW. But is that the meaning? He will stop looking for someone else to be with?
Again I am not sure I understand your question.
However their are no guarantees that he will stop looking for someone else and as long as this is happening he is in REPLAY.
Also he could stay in REPLAY and not even have another person.
All of these things are best to look at in retrospect( or the rear view mirror) - you will not be able to predict the future or if you can - then please tell me the winning lottery numbers for the next drawing.
I think what I mean, does OW signify Replay? But based on your answer, no. I am trying for a crystal ball, one doesn’t exist. I was just hoping that perhaps when the A ends, he would come out of the fog. But I am I understanding that is not the case and he can still be in replay alone. Thanks.
Generally someone in crisis will have an affair. That affair partner becomes the band aid to their woes. The affair partner tends to stroke their egos, make them feel good about themselves and, of course, listen and validates everything that they say.
Now, you have some that never have an affair partner, i.e., physical or emotional. This type of crisis person will obsess over work, gym, sports, gardening, yard work, etc. Some will purchase a sailboat or travel. Others, will take up religion and focus on that and others will completely disappear for years on end and then one day show back up.
Try to remember, if this affair ends, the crisis person could just as easily pick up another person. Sometimes they break up and then get back together.
PLC, you need to visit the MLC forum and read some of the work links that Cadet has put together. You will discover that just because an affair ends, it doesn't mean that the crisis is over.
The timeline for MLC will end when he/she is ready to end it. It takes a very long time because it took a long time for them to get to the point of a major crisis. We have no control over when it will end and no, we cannot snap them out of it. Try to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you, nor anyone else can fix him. He has to do that himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you. As I read your response I see many other signs that happened before the BD, obsessing over looks, and work.
Now, I see with his social media, he is almost obsessing over the OW. He is very junior high in his behavior which I understand is normal for MLC.
I will look at the MLC board. I hope there are a couple of happy endings that resulted in the MLC returning. I know our marriage will never be the same, and in some sense that is good, because no one deserves to feel this way, the MLC for their reasons, and the LBS thrown on this journey.
I have learned in the last seven months I am stronger than I knew.
Thank you.
Last edited by job; 12/16/1912:39 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
I have learned in the last seven months I am stronger than I knew.
Totally agree. The first time I had that feeling was after having children. the second time is now. sometimes you have to dig deep to find that strength, but it's there.
Hi PLC, Just dropping some support your way-- you seem incredibly strong. I know what you mean about when their behavior affects the kids-- totally wrong and anger-inducing. I'm right there with you. But it seems like you are able to generally observe his behavior and not let it affect you too much, and that is awesome.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you, may22. I think I am still in shock, and also after being married for so many years, somehow my instant reaction was to begin to detach. My intuition stepped up at the BD moment and I just stayed out of it. I watch his behavior and try to figure stuff out, which is anxiety inducing. But that being said, he doesn’t know that. To him I’m a cool cucumber. I even will laugh out loud watching tv like I am having a great time. I know he hears me, and I know right now he probably doesn’t care, but I’m not sobbing to sleep every night. I want him to think I’m good, and I will be ok. It is just a matter of time. When this first happened, my mantra was “today is one day closer to this being over”. It makes me feel a little control.
So I mentioned that my H has OW in another country who happens to be 30 years younger than him...I can tell things are not going great based on my social media spying. He literally came home from work yesterday morning around 11:00 and stayed on the couch in the dark (it rained) under his covers. My D24 and I left and were gone all day. As far as I can tell, he only left the couch to microwave a quick meal. (He avoids anything I cook and opted for a frozen burrito) he didn’t watch tv. He just lays there. Could this just be stepped up avoidance or possibly a depression? He doesn’t even speak to our D unless she says something and they are one word answers.
The main ingredient of MLC is depression. Depression is about things from the past and anxiety is about the present and future.
Your h is acting out. He's acting like a sulking teenager. As for not eating the food you prepared....that's typical behavior of a MLCer. Check out HaWho's threads over in the MLC Forum. You might be surprised that your h is acting quite a bit like her xh did for a few years.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Leave him be to his sulking. If he doesn't eat your food, don't worry...he's not going to starve. If he drags his feet to go somewhere and isn't ready to go when you are, leave him and go on to your destination. Trust me....he will survive one way or the other. He's just a miserable teenager trying to grow up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was really hurt he wouldn’t eat what I made when this first happened. Now I make what I feel like eating, if it’s something I know he wouldn’t eat, it tastes even sweeter, because I am cooking for me.
For Thanksgiving, I was making mashed potatoes on Wednesday for a casserole. He walked into the kitchen and I asked if he wanted a bite, and surprisingly he said yes and that he thought they were good. Then he left and skipped the holiday to try and be with OW. Since he has returned his cloud is super dark. So this is going on two weeks and I know if I asked what he was doing for Christmas or if he planned on joining us he couldn’t answer. So I am planning and prepping and doing what I can. I am going out and enjoying the season. If he wants to tag along, he can. It I know he won’t ask and I certainly am not asking him if he wants to come.
My therapist totally has said I am living with an adolescent. His behavior total shows it. It remains to be seen how this will go, but I know after being with this man almost 30 years, more than half our lives, he deserves and I deserve to give it more than seven months before I throw in the towel. He may have but I haven’t. I am stronger than he realizes.
I was really hurt he wouldn’t eat what I made when this first happened. Now I make what I feel like eating, if it’s something I know he wouldn’t eat, it tastes even sweeter, because I am cooking for me.
I really relate to this, PLC. My H and I have loved cooking and eating together from the time we were dating. It was a huge part of our life. We shared meals for a couple weeks after BD, and then, after that stopped, he would still sometimes eat things I had made and would sometimes thank me for sharing with him or offer me a bite of something he made. Then he stopped cooking almost entirely and instead eats fast food and who knows what while he’s out. It’s been hard to see him mostly cut out cooking for himself, which he used to take such joy in, and to lose the time we used to spend together in the kitchen. But I do still take a lot of joy in cooking and baking for myself—it’s been good to find I don’t need him for that.
Originally Posted by PLC
He may have but I haven’t. I am stronger than he realizes.
Amen to that! I need to keep repeating this to myself too. Thank you for sharing this.
Today has been a little stressful. We usually visit his mom and her husband the weekend before Christmas -this weekend. I am going regardless if he goes or not, they have been in our lives our whole marriage.
The issue is he has not told her anything, and I would assume that his behavior will be different if he goes. He and I have not been in a car together since before the BD and we are talking about now this being a four hour drive. Our daughter will be along too, but this situation, although to me is obvious, she has not asked me anything about him and his detachment from us.
My stress, is wondering how this will play out. I have been very content to not share this situation with anyone except my therapist and work on myself.
I will not be surprised if he says he has “work” and has to stay home or if he needs “to go out of the country for work” where the OW is. As far as I can tell the OW is on the rocks, but I am not stupid in thinking if that is over he will return to me. I am aware, he is not happy and honestly a weekend with family if the shoe was on the other foot, would be not what I wanted to do.
Anyone have any advise? As mentioned previously, we have never had a R talk. He mentioned he didn’t want to be married and I shut down.
I've had similar experience with family gatherings, after BD we visited both my parents and in-laws a few times. esp with my parents since we usually stay over night there when visiting. I used to get nervous about not knowing whether he would still be staying with us...how things will play out...what do I say..etc.
In my opinion, if you're not ready to share the situation with others, it takes some practice and you will need standard answers to common Qs. With time you will get better at it. For example, my parents were asking me all these details about his work/job etc like they usually do and I couldn't answer most of them because H and I haven't been talking that much. I learn to give generic answers and change the subject. or I just say I honestly don't know. That's my answer to most Qs my kids ask me as well, "Why does daddy have another business dinner?" - "I don't know, you'll have to ask him." Basically I stopped answering for him or on his behalf.
For Example:
How is H?: "He's been really busy." or "He's been under a lot of stress." Anything related to H: "I don't know, why don't you ask him?", "I don't know, I'm not sure what he's thinking." Scheduling: "I don't know, I don't know his full schedule." or "I don't know, I will have to check our schedule."
You can say to him, "I'm going to visit your mom, if you are not coming along I will tell her that you are doing ______".
It works with me and my H when I know he's not gonna show up and I know he'll stick to a provided script.
My MIL did ask if we were coming up early Friday and I did tell her it depended on H’s schedule. So I guess we will wait. He will also go along with a script. At least I think so-he is so willing to avoid-I am sure he will appreciate not having to think.
So H has to work this weekend so D and I will visit MIL on our own. I have no idea if he really has to work, but that’s his issue, not mine.
I am a bit anxious for Christmas as my family will be with us. He was able to skip Thanksgiving to “work” where the OW is, and so far, I don’t think this is happening for Christmas, but we will see.
He has been avoiding me for a while now and I am just GAL out in the world. I’ll be happy when the holidays are over.
So this morning H left to go to work without saying a word. This is typical of late. But I don’t know why, but I am hurt that he couldn’t even tell us to drive safe or have a nice weekend with his Mom. Why am I upset? He’s been ignoring for months, but I somehow thought he would have manners.
So this morning H left to go to work without saying a word. This is typical of late. But I don’t know why, but I am hurt that he couldn’t even tell us to drive safe or have a nice weekend with his Mom. Why am I upset? He’s been ignoring for months, but I somehow thought he would have manners.
Hi PLC ~
I haven't read your entire thread yet, just reacting to this post. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Expectations cause us a lot of pain. Having expectations in these situations sets us up for repeated gut-punches. You are in control of how upset you are.
Well, if anyone is out there-I’m back from visiting the MIL for the weekend. A couple of times the family asked if he might be able to come visit from Saturday on and I just told him he was working. Plot twist, he did work. I checked in on the cameras and his truck (and only his) were at our home Friday and Saturday night. It was gone in the morning. Today when D24 and I got home, he wasn’t here and came home shortly after wearing his dirty work clothes. I yelled out hello and he responded then I went and gave him the gift from his mom and brother. I gave him normal little tidbits from the weekend. He was nice enough. I did not push it.
On social media, his OW26 has purged him from her social media and changed her status to single. She has also post how sad she is. (Eyeroll) I know that this does not mean he’s headed back to me, and actually, this gives me anxiety. I don’t want him with anyone, with her being in another country it was kind of like he wasn’t with her here. I think he isn’t going to hit the gym hard like he did before her. My Therapist says based on the type of person he is, she does not think he will jump to another person quickly-but she also added that this does not mean he is coming home to me. She was the person who suggested MLC. Her assessment as far as I can tell is spot on.
I did have a nice weekend, and I missed him. This was one of the first times, I actually missed him being there. I have missed the man that is hidden in the MLC creature, but I missed his corny jokes and the moments we would share at each other across the room.
I have anxiety about Christmas Eve and day. Therapy is helping get a grasp on what I am going to say (pretty much nothing)
My D24 has not mentioned this weird situation the whole time she’s been home and we had a four hour car ride each way. When he came home today, she did not greet him, nor him her. So idk the dynamic but, she and I are having fun and making memories. He is choosing to miss out. I am choosing to have fun.
If anyone has any words of encouragement, I’d appreciate. I know others here have more difficult situations and especially with younger kids. My H has continued to give me the paycheck, come home every night (I attribute this to OW being out of the country, so this can change) he sleeps in the other room and does not speak to me days on end. I am looking past that and GAL. Just want to give an update.
My H attended the Christmas festivities at our home. He was my old H. I had no expectations, anxiety on what to tell the family and my H behaved like nothing ever happened. He interacted with everyone and if I had to speak to him, I did not get snake eyes. I noticed him taking selfies and he did step outside a couple of times. The OW may have tried to contact him or vice versa, but she is out of the country and I don’t know the status of the relationship. He bought me a nice gift and was a nice person to all. When the board games came out and my parents left, H went to our room and closed the door. Once everyone was gone, he came out, remade the couch bed and went to sleep. He didn’t It tell me goodbye this morning, (the usual behavior of late) he has returned to what he has been lately. I feel relief if only for a day. Anyone else have weird behaviors yesterday?
PLC - I'm glad to hear that your Christmas went well. It will be a roller coaster, don't think too much into it. They will have good days and bad days.
my H bought me a xmas gift too. I did not feel bad one bit for not getting him one. HA!
I texted my C about yesterday and what it all means. She is the one who suggested MLC to begin with. She said this is some part deep within him testing to see how we all were going to be around him, including how I would be. When I expressed my confusion of why, since he went back to leaving me alone once everyone was gone and today it continued, she said he still needs to figure out how to be happy. This made sense. I understand MLC as a depression and I can’t help with that. I also know he is still not ready (if he ever will be) to return. I feel the MLC has been at least two years, possibly 4, I’m no longer get tryin* to figure out stages, as he bounces back and forth.
I am looking to make strides as I continue to GAL, with the new year around the corner, I’m going to keep on rediscovering me. I continue to remind myself, I am stronger than he thinks.
Well, my nice Christmas faded....I was out yesterday with my daughter and he texted me he was leaving til Thursday to go to the other country where OW lives. This will be over NYE. Makes my stomach turn. I’m just so irritated that he couldn’t tell me in person, and had to text me. I hate being angry. It is a reaction to his unhappiness and I don’t like expending any additional emotions on him. I am dealing with enough stuff, without adding his stuff into the mix. I would appreciate any thoughts.
Yikes. I’m sorry to hear that. There is not much you can do when he’s still in his fog. Find healthy ways to vent your anger. Writing here helps. Go for a run, to the gym, etc. I don’t have a lot of helpful advice to you as I’m pretty new to this also, but I feel your pain. Giving you a virtual hug.
Well, my nice Christmas faded....I was out yesterday with my daughter and he texted me he was leaving til Thursday to go to the other country where OW lives. This will be over NYE. Makes my stomach turn. I’m just so irritated that he couldn’t tell me in person, and had to text me. I hate being angry. It is a reaction to his unhappiness and I don’t like expending any additional emotions on him. I am dealing with enough stuff, without adding his stuff into the mix. I would appreciate any thoughts.
I hate that my WH texts everything. He even texted the BD news! It is just awful. Virtual hugs to you. Hang in there.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
They text because they don't have to see the hurt, angry, disgusted and disappointed expressions on our faces. They also do not want to here our opinions of what they are about to do. It's the coward's way of letting us know what they are planning to do.
When you are angry, take a walk, drive or visit a local coffee shop. Find a pillow and beat the stuffing's out of it. I use to take long drives and scream at the top of lungs. When I returned home,. I was in a far better frame of mind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Everyone, I am heading to the gym tonight. Yesterday, I removed all of the holiday decorations and did a deep clean. I felt better. When I am productive in some way, I feel better. I am working today so that helps keep my mind off of what else could be happening. I usually try to not think about what is going on and what negatively could happen, but it happens. Thanks!
So he has been gone since Saturday when I got my text. I didn’t hear from him and he said in his text he’d be home today. Usually, he tells when he will be home and no more communication. In the last hour, he texted me, “I’ll be home at 1am see you then”. I didn’t answer. So about five minutes later, our D24 texted me “dad will be home at 1am” I ignored that message and responded to another with her. I am not triangulating this conversation.
I don’t think his text warranted a response. I am curious to why he informed me of his return time. He never does and has come home late in the past. (International flights=customs)
I can see that he and OW are not friends on social media anymore. I can see that on one picture he commented “I love you” to her that was not responded to. Idk if this courtesy is because of her. Any comments or insights?
Don’t over think it. It could mean anything. My H does that too, sometimes multiple calls during the day about insignificant things. Other times no contact. Sometimes explanations about whereabouts, other times none. I don’t ask unless it affects kids’ schedule. I ask flight/hotel info when he’s on business trips in case he’s dead and I need to collect his body (no joke, I didn’t say this to him but it’s what I think).
Personally i think you can respond just with a “ok” if you feel like that would stop him from getting to you thru your daughter. Wouldn’t the msg show that it’s “read” already anyway?
Anyways, no need to guess his intentions, I know it’s tempting. I can do better in that department also..:\
So he came home last Thursday as expected. It was around 1:00 am. He came into our room, I said hi and he replied hi, the. He picked up his pillow to go sleep on the couch. Friday, I did my thing, I went shopping with D24 then we went home before we were off to another destination of fun. He was home, chatty enough to speak to me. I needed him to take care of one of our animals, since I would not be home and he freely told me where he was going and that he would not be late. Saturday, he was gone most of the day, but I did notice him looking at his hobby items (racing) he has not paid any interest in them, since before the BD. We need money to race, don’t have it and I attributed his non interest before the BD to depression that we do not have the funds. Saturday was our daughter’s last night home, I asked if she wanted to go someplace special for dinner and she responded dad was taking her out. After they came back, she and I went out. I didn’t say anything, but she said bye to him and he asked where we were going. Idk if he asked for her or both of us. He never asks me. Yesterday, he stayed away all day. I found out he went for a bike ride. We live near a beach and it seems like he went there to ride. For some reason, this hurt really bad. We haven’t gone in so long, we used to love going. When it was time to take D24 to the airport, she just said bye and he said bye back. No hug no nothing. When I came back from the airport, the living room was dark and I just went to bed. I hate not saying anything. I am fearful, that now it seems the OW has found another that my H will find another. I expect him to, but I do see signs he is still inside the man I love. No more snake eyes. Really. I hope this isn’t because our daughter was home, but he really didn’t spend much time with her. Does anyone have any advice? I mean besides GAL. Anyone have a similar situation? Thanks.
I woke up really sad today. I am feeling hopeless.
Sometime early this morning, he came into our room to use the shower in our bathroom (only shower in the house). When he was done, I sleepily asked something about what time he’d be home tonight. He was very certain he didn’t know what time. I then followed up with I would not be home had hoped he could feed the dogs. He then responded he’d be home and could do that.
I just remember as I was falling back to sleep, he probably thought I wanted to “TALK” and was avoiding that. He of course, didn’t ask where I’d be. He doesn’t care.
Last night I was realizing this is 8 months post BD, a few weeks post OW and I know his feelings are all over. How can I keep GAL? I’m so sad.
I know people can wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and I usually am a very positive person. I hate feeling like this.
Last edited by PLC; 01/07/2004:13 PM. Reason: Added more
Does anyone have any advice? I mean besides GAL. Anyone have a similar situation? Thanks.
Well it sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Giving him time and space, doing your own thing, not applying pressure to him. Just keep doing that. IHS's are the worst, it's just miserable business trying to give someone time and space while they live under the same roof. Very sorry you are hurting. Keep taking care of yourself!
Thank you AnotherStander. I really try to not let this get to me. I am wondering if deep down I thought he would feel something over the holidays and realize I am here.
I will continue with the advice you gave. Thank you.
Yesterday, I had asked him to take care of our pets, since I wouldn’t be home to feed them in the evening.
He agreed and did. When I got home, he wasn’t there. When he came home, instead of walking into the living room, he actually walked through the room where I was first. I really feel he was curious as to where I went. I saw at that little moment GAL makes him wonder.
When your h does things for you, be sure to recognize his efforts. Those two words "thank you" mean a lot to people and it lets them know that you are aware of their efforts.
Continue to give him the space and time he needs. If he wants to talk, listen and validate his feelings/thoughts.
Sit quietly and the answers will come, dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you and your GAL activities.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last night I was realizing this is 8 months post BD, a few weeks post OW and I know his feelings are all over. How can I keep GAL? I’m so sad.
I know people can wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and I usually am a very positive person. I hate feeling like this.
I'm sorry you were feeling hopeless, PLC. It's hard when the feelings shift like that—some days a dream can mess with my PMA, and it really is like waking up on the wrong side of bed. Hard to shake. But: Tomorrow is a new day. When you feel hopeless, is there any small thing you can do for yourself? Cook or bake something, take a bath, etc.?
Hi Cardinal- Thank you for your comments. Small things for myself seems so boring-I am really stepping out of my comfort zone. I will go to the bookstore and look at new titles. It gets me away from the house and him. I have spent so many years making our home a sanctuary-comfortable to stay in, I sometimes just want to kick back. If feel if I do, I’m not a mystery to him. I think cooking might be a good idea. Try out things I’d like that I don’t need to see if he would like. He and I only have shared a meal on Christmas in the last 8 months. It’s just so crazy. I really am living with a roommate that we move like strangers in the home. I also am making plans for the weekend, this is my GAL and I do look so forward to those two days. In the beginning, I hated them now I love two days devoted to me, the queen! When I think of how the marriage has changed to this in the last eight months it’s insane. But that marriage is over and hopefully onto a better one. Thanks for letting me ramble!
Hi, PLC. I totally identify with home being a sanctuary and just posted something similar on my thread. Have you bookmarked any meals you might want to try out? It’s a bit empowering too, to know that you can choose something for you without considering what he would/wouldn’t like. I admire your weekend attitude—I hope you had a good one!
Thank you Cardinal! I have “favorites” to try from the food network app. This weekend, I also went on the hunt for some nice cookware that was marked down or at a thrift shop. I am slowly purging items I don’t want and getting items I do. As far as I can tell, he stayed on the couch most of Saturday, then literally all day Sunday until he left, yet again, to work in the country that OW resides in. This time, I am somewhat curious as what is going on there as she is still “ in a relationship” with someone else now, and he really has a work issue that he was sent there for. It’s weird, I am noticing myself not really caring about what he thinks of what I’m doing. I think this is the beginning of me really “dropping the rope” it is empowering. I hope your week is a good one!
Just some questions, hoping someone here can shed some light on them...I am noticing that I am becoming more indifferent to this situation. Like tonight, for instance-he is out of the country-when he told me he was leaving, I asked when he’d be back and he said Thursday. Last time he was out, I got a “I’ll be home around 1:00am” text. That was out of the norm for him. So this time, no text, and although I have a little wonder if he’s coming home tonight, I really don’t care. I hope he’s safe, of course. I just have been doing stuff around the house-doing my own thing. I’ve made plans this weekend on my own. I do want a reconciliation, but I wonder if there is a point where indifference just moves in?
Yes but I'm guessing you're not there yet and your emotions will fluctuate. You should add a signature so people are able to see where you are in your timeline.
I hope he’s safe, of course. I just have been doing stuff around the house-doing my own thing. I’ve made plans this weekend on my own. I do want a reconciliation, but I wonder if there is a point where indifference just moves in?
Like LH said, your feelings will fluctuate. Also really allow yourself to feel the grief and the pain if those feelings show up sometimes. You want to be at peace. but not indifferent in way where you’re just burying all the pain inside. It sounds like you are getting better at detaching though. Hang in there!!
Burying it inside sounds about right. Therapy has allowed me to learn so much, I have anxiety and lately, that is gone, but therapy has allowed me to be aware that I have a lot of anger deep inside. So these last 8 months of anxiety and worry about what will happen has been dealt with in the sense I can only control myself. So knowing I can only control me, has lead to anger about what I can’t control. I am not a person who outwardly shows what I am feeling, so that anger is pushed down, and I have attempted to protect myself by acting like I don’t care. Hence indifference.
I don’t know why I was surprised, but I was surprised-
H has been home from abroad since Thursday late. When he came home, I did ask the next day how the different city was, since he normally goes to the same city every time, and he seemed defeated, “they all are the same” He isn’t feeling well and has been staying in D24’s room. (Vs. The couch) over the weekend, we actually had some mini, mini conversations. He actually responded to my question if he wanted Chinese food one night (yes!) and the next day, he brought home food to share. Although we do not eat together, he has refused any suggestions of any dinner or lunch since May.
On social media, I could tell that he and OW26, are not “together” anymore. It looks as if she’s found someone closer to her age. My H is 56.
So I have been GALing, trying to stay mysterious while I do things. Last night, I went to our MBR, he was in the closed room of D24. I had our door open with the tv on low. I could hear a weird tone, and I turned down the tv to see if I could figure out where it was coming from. IT WAS HIM FACETIMING HER. I heard her say hey, then he was speaking in broken Spanish asking what she was doing, and that he was “in me casa”. Then he asked “let me see what you’re wearing” I could tell she wasn’t doing that and then he asked to see parts of her body, and she wouldn’t, he got mad, and said, “you know what, just forget it, I’ll never talk to you again”. Then that was it. I don’t know how they ended up talking, as they aren’t obvious together online, but I know better than to think he’s done with this. I do t know if she’s texted him, so he FaceTimed or what. As embarrassing as it is to post this, I had to share.
I also am disgusted by his behavior, would he think it’s ok for our D24 to have someone treat her like that? It just shows how adolescent he is in this MLC.
This just reinforces the roller coaster comparison. Ugh, what a ride.
Has anyone out there ever felt it was hopeless? Today, I am feeling it. Usually, I try to continue on the marathon, not the sprint. Last night, I went to visit a friend who is in from out of town. H didn’t know, nor did he ask where I went when I came home around midnight. I had such a great time!
Last weekend, he was home with that coughing bug that’s going around, and I was home not feeling great. He and I had a few mini conversations, nothing but chit chat. Now that he seems to be feeling an little better, he is back to avoiding. He does continue to walk through the room I’m in, which is a little improvement.
I think my hopeless feeling comes from having a little openness to him being closed up. I am not initiating any R talk or really anything of substance. We have not had any conversations of any merit since the BD in May.
I have chosen to stand and after almost 28 years married, I feel I owe it to continue. I would appreciate any suggestions, I know there isn’t a crystal ball to determine what will happen, but I’m trying.
Today, he has been gone most of the day. I am going out again tonight to go to a retirement party. I never am out two nights in a row, and I am trying to not be predictable.
I think my hopeless feeling is because I think somewhere in my mind I had thought since we chatted a little last weekend, and the snake eyes are gone, that he would inquire to where I had been. When he didn’t and then took off today to who know where, it made me sad and also made me wonder if he thinks I went out on a date. I know this sounds dumb, because he has had an OW, he told me he didn’t want to be married, but here I am not wanting to give the wrong message. Thankfully, I am NC for anything of substance, or I would probably tell him exactly who I was with, where I was, why I was out and when I’ll be home. That would not be great.
Weekends. I usually look forward to being all about me, and since last weekend we were home, somehow I fell into these feelings this weekend.
One day at a time is right, maybe even one hour at a time.
It’s tough and I am sorry you are going through this right now. Absolutely go minute by minute if you need to. Just know that you will get through this one way or another. Try to keep your expectations low and try to get a little better every day.
Sometimes, the closed off is ok, if he’s here. At least I know where he is. When he’s gone, I go to the worst places he could be. It probably is human nature to do so. I am grateful, that for the most part, he does not stay out all night. Usually he is home from work, leaves to get food, comes home and goes to bed.
I asked my MC why he is now sometimes leaving the bedroom door open, when it had been closed and he would never be in a room if I was in it. She said that the walls are still up and strong, but that he is testing to see what I am doing. Well, I’m not doing anything. He needs to. I’m not rude, but I need to take care of me.
Thanks for the hugs, haven’t had one in a long time.
Well-he hasn’t come home. It is 3:15 am. I am torn from being worried he is ok and being mad because he is still out. The last time he pulled this was a few months ago and he did tell me via text he wouldn’t be home.
So he is still not home. He could be doing this to get me to engage negatively, or because he is a jerk in MLC and does not even think of me. What do I do when he does eventually come home? Are there things to say or not to say?
I understand your frustration w/your h, but you can't control what he says, feels or does. The only person you can control is you and how you react to his behavior. You don't want to come off sounding like his mother, so I would suggest that you say nothing when he first comes home. He's expecting you to go off and give him the justification he needs to do the things he's doing.
Just as you would a teenager, once you have calmed down and can broach the subject in a very calm voice with eye contact, I would say "say, h, would you please text and let me know if you are going to be late or aren't planning to return home so that I am not worrying that something has happened to you?" If you approach him w/a question, he might be more prone to do what you ask. If you come at him in anger, he will be more determined to stay out and not text you just to annoy the heck out of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Imagine that he’s not staying home. You wouldn’t know how late he’s staying out because he doesn’t tell you. You have to relinquish that. He’s a grown adult, you are not his mother. I worry about my H in that way typically after he makes a suicidal comment.....and I’ll call and check on him, but other than that I honestly accept the fact that he is his own person. He doesn’t report to me and I can’t make him if he truly does not want to be held accountable on his whereabouts.
So to your Q- don’t say anything when he comes home. You should be sleeping at that time and not caring whether he’s home or not.
I think I will go with the no comments. One thing he said at the BD, was I am “always nagging” so to be indifferent or to think as Wooba suggested, that if he didn’t live here I wouldn’t know, will probably be best for my situation.
I need to keep remembering that I have no control over what he thinks.
I hope everyone has a nice Sunday!
Last edited by PLC; 01/26/2004:49 PM. Reason: Spelling
Silence is golden and eventually the time he's spending out on the street will get old. Think of him as a roommate who is only sharing the rental space.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Even though this has been since May, he’s only been home since August and hasn’t been out much. I’m lucky in that aspect that he hasn’t behaved that way, so when he does, I need to remind myself what I’m dealing with.
Just an update, he came home, I was still in bed, 8:30 ish, he used the other bathroom, changed his clothes and left.
He came home around 2:00, I was watching news coverage and I asked if he had heard the news, he said yes and then we had a mini nonsensical conversation about one of our dogs. He went into the bedroom. A little while later he came out and went into the kitchen, I told him I was going to pick up some food and would he be interested In anything, and he actually said sure, how about pizza?
He came out when I was back with the pizza and took it to the other room to eat. Last weekend, we had the same little breakthrough, I did not ask where he had been overnight, nor did I ask him to let me know if he was going to do this again and let me know. I hope he wonders why, but I doubt it.
Just thought I’d post as this was a hard one for me.
Baby steps! Soon you won’t even bother wondering whether he’s noticing or not. You live your life for you, and like a stray dog he might eventually come back if he still thinks of your home as home.
He thinks it is ok, so he continues that behavior. It sounds dumb, but this situation, has been he is home and in the bedroom with the door closed. I know where he is and I can continue my GAL and he’s home. It is less anxiety inducing. This is coming from someone who had no idea what he was doing for the three months he was out of the country. When he returned, it was apparent that he was not going to do anything here. So now that it seems as if the OW is over, I am just wondering when the next one will come along and what it will be like.
Any insight? Why am I like this?
What I am trying to get you to see is that what he thinks or doesn't think doesn't matter. What you say or don't say doesn't matter. The fact that he is out all night is what matters!
Imagine if, on a morning he was out all night that he returns home the next day and the locks are changed. Notice, you didn't say a thing because that doesn't matter. He stays out all night, you change the locks. Message sent.
(BTW, do not do something like this without first consulting a lawyer for legality.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just in my feelings tonight. I had a minor thaw with my MLC H in the last few weeks. Where he was always super avoiding me, he had begun when he came home actually walking into the kitchen and if I was in the room, he would say hello. The snake eyes he had before are gone and he is actually interacting with the dogs. Since this has been since May, I was encouraged that this thaw was in the right direction.
Monday, we actually had a discussion about income taxes and he was actually attentive. I think I got too excited that maybe he’d talk more or eat meals with me. He has gone back to barely acknowledging me and just coming home and going to sleep in the other room.
I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, but does anyone else deal with a MLC spouse who won’t eat with them ever? Some of his behavior is really cruel, which sounds ridiculous when he had an OW who was the same age as our D almost. But regardless of that, being ignored is extremely hard. I am GALing, but sometimes I just want to relax at home. Or if I am out GAL, sometimes he would have no idea since he will periodically stay away for a long time. I still benefit from being out, but I can’t help but wonder if he even notices.
My H never eats with me. Just after BD he did for a bit, but we haven't shared a meal in a very long time, and we used to love cooking and eating together. It was really hard at first, but I don't think about it as much anymore, even though I do miss sharing meals together. Like your H, mine has been thawing a bit in the last month. I still don't expect him to eat with me or even eat anything I make. That is one expectation I have managed to leave behind!
If you want to relax at home, relax at home! I know it's easier said than done. Don't let his whereabouts or mood if he's in the house stop you from doing what you want. GAL can also be doing things you want to do around the house! I used to also think, well, I'm out GAL and H doesn't even know because he's gone all the time. It started to sink in that I shouldn't be doing it to get a reaction from him. It became easier to go out if I wanted to or stay home if I wanted to. I stopped going out only because I thought I should be gone to make him take note. Just when I thought I was hanging around the house a lot (not talking to him, just doing my own thing regardless of what he was doing), he told a friend he barely sees me because I'm always gone.
You can't control if he notices or not. He might and he might not ever mention it. Start to put yourself first and do what makes YOU happy!
Hi Cardinal- I am glad someone has experienced the same, yet I am sad someone experiences the same as me.
I did stay home this afternoon, and I watched an episode I wanted to see on Netflix and I am reading a book. He came home just as the episode ended. Came through to the kitchen, (probably wanting a Diet Coke, but earlier on Friday, I told him I was heading the the store for food and to let me know if he needed anything, he said no) since there weren’t any in the fridge he just said hi and went to he bedroom and shut the door. A while later, he got up and heated a frozen meal up. When it was heated, he took it to-you guessed it, the bedroom. The door is shut. I know there will be no interacting unless I prompt it. I am not going to. I am dying to, though, and that’s what bothers me. I don’t know why after exactly 9 months today of the BD I am bothered by this behavior!
I have been GALing and there are times I am gone when he is home, or I leave and am gone a while. Does he notice, I don’t know. He was sick with a bronchitis type illness, and he respond to my question if he needed any orange juice. Additionally, I had this overwhelming urge to ask if he wanted to go to the movies. This was when thaw was ok. I asked what he was doing that particular night, he said nothing why? I then asked “do you want to go check out the Joker?” Instead of saying something horrible, he just said he really wanted to try and get rid of his lingering cough. I was happy with that response. Maybe I overdid it by asking him, but it is killing me to not talk to a man that I share a home with.
I don’t know if there is an OW #2 yet. I do know where he is, because people I know see him, and he is with his dad. So idk. I guess I just need to keep on going, eating the elephant, one bite at a time so I’m not overwhelmed.
Does anyone ever feel like this?-I have learned so much about me, discovered new places to go, made new friends, and I want to share with my H all that I have learned. I can’t. We have known each other 30 years this month. I continue with a happy face and disposition, especially when he is around. I can’t even share anything, because he doesn’t want to know. Anyone have any remedies for wanting to share too much?
I think there is a tiny little thaw! I have been GALing like crazy, and he actually sat and ate take out with me on Valentine’s Day and today, after I was gone all day having a great time by myself, he went and brought dinner back. I wasn’t hungry at that time, so he ate alone. I know Cardinal understands the amazement of him actually eating with me. Only other time since last May was Christmas.
I know a little thaw doesn’t mean a turnaround, but I am grateful for a nice day.
I think there is a tiny little thaw! I have been GALing like crazy, and he actually sat and ate take out with me on Valentine’s Day and today, after I was gone all day having a great time by myself, he went and brought dinner back. I wasn’t hungry at that time, so he ate alone. I know Cardinal understands the amazement of him actually eating with me. Only other time since last May was Christmas.
I know a little thaw doesn’t mean a turnaround, but I am grateful for a nice day.
Temper expectations. Keep DBing. Double-down on GAL even!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am actually happy that I wasn’t hungry when he came home with food yesterday. I can’t seem so eager to spend time with him, even though he ate alone and not in the bedroom with the door closed.
After 9+ months, I am happy to see some action in a positive direction, but I know 1-don’t expect anything and 2-keep on doing what I am doing. I thought to myself before he even brought home food that I had a wonderful day by myself. I liked that feeling.
I appreciate your comments, it helps me know I am doing the right thing.
Hi, PLC! I do understand, and it’s nice to note these small thaws and important to just enjoy them and not have expectations. It sounds like you’re doing that beautifully! After actually eating something I made last week, I’m feeling like my H is starting to withdraw again, and I’ve had to get my expectations back to zero after dealing with nice H for what felt like a long time. Maybe I’m wrong about the withdrawing starting again, but the lesson is I need to work at staying at 0. Doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate good interactions when they happen!
I totally understand what you mean, Cardinal. A couple of weeks ago, I was so thrilled we had a decent conversation, when he withdrew again I was crushed. I had my pity party of one, then I figured back to GAL. It helps me get out of my head. This is such a crazy journey! Here’s to appreciating the little things.
Therapy for me today. It is been something that I look forward to. My therapist is onboard with helping me navigate this situation, and stands with me in standing for my marriage. I spoke about the little thawed moments I have been experiencing lately. She is very effective in helping me to dissect and not get overly excited. So with this all being said, I am sad tonight. I just feel that this is so daunting. I am not unaware of the fact that since the BD in May, there has been a lot of positives, especially since the beginning of the year. My therapist says I need to continue with GAL and to practice patience. It’s just so frustrating! I know today I can quit the R and file, and sometimes I fantasize how that might go. I don’t want that at all, but sometimes I feel that that would be the only way to have H pay attention. I know that is stupid, but sometimes it makes me feel in control. Every day I remind myself that I am one day closer to this being over. Today for whatever reason that is hard to do. I feel like I am almost as confused as my H. He responds politely to me, there is no outward evidence that there is a new OW, and as I have mentioned, he has actually brought home dinner to share. Every time he has these little moments, he retreats for a day or two. I don’t push and I try to not react. I know this can take a long time and patience is key. Does anyone or has anyone else experienced this?
HELP- The thaw that had begun to observe has seemed to chill back up. My H had recently been a little bit open to at least talking non issue items, (tv shows, our pets) and in the last few weeks has purchased food to share with me and even ate a take out meal in the same room as me on Valentine’s Day. In my DBing, I made sure I was not going to get complacent, and I have not been home Tues, weds or Thursday in the evening. As the week has gone on, I think he has just been hanging out at home in the other bedroom. I have tried to have a little chit chat when the opportunity was there, but today I really feel that the thaw is frozen over. I get the vibe to leave him alone, yet he is being nice the the pets whereas when this journey began he didn’t act like he cared about them at all. I do not expect that one day he will magically snap out of this, and I don’t necessarily think he wants to live somewhere else since he said he didn’t want to be married last May and has since been here and has never made any more statements about leaving has not attempted to move or even crash at a friends or relatives home. All I have done is live here for me-i am trying to detach and do my own thing. Of course, not wanting him to leave the marriage, I just GAL for the most part and leave him alone. I know there is no timetable and I also know that this situation may be mild compared to others, but it is hurting me. Does anyone have an ideas?
Treat him as you would a roommate. He's given you a vibe of wanting you to leave him alone. He's acting like a teenager in his behavior, so give him what he wants...alone time and plenty of it. Don't attempt to chat him up. Just leave him be. If he comes to you to chat, listen and validate. Don't offer up any suggestions/advice unless he asks for it. Go out and live your life, go to a movie, museum, play or just out for coffee. You don't have to explain yourself to him unless you feel the need in case of an emergency, otherwise, roommate status is what he has earned for now.
It's a marathon, not a sprint and this road has a lot of ruts and swerves along the way.
Continue living your life to the fullest. Keep the focus on you.
But I do want to point out one thing, if he should up and decide he wants to leave the marriage, it won't be because of what you have or have not done. It will because of the issues he is dealing w/inside of himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Job- One question, my family has no idea, really none. I have preferred to keep this between the H and me. At Christmas he was good ole H and no one was the wiser. This weekend family is again going to get together for some recent birthdays. I want to include him, do I? He is invited.
Hi, PLC. I needed to read job's post here too. I experienced many ups and downs in the first six months with H--some days he'd seem more open, others very cold, and that at least was predictable. It's funny how we know them so well, we can sense the slightest shift in them. Let's both keep in mind what job says, there are lots of ruts and swerves on this journey, and this is just another one. It has a lot more to do with what they are going through than any thing we did or didn't do. In the meantime, we can stay steady and keep giving them space. I agree with your earlier post--it can be hard not to want to share things you've learned or done with them. I wish H would share parts of his life with me, too. Share what you learn here, and it can help.
As for the weekend get together, if you feel like you need to let him know he's invited, you could do just that without having any expectation he will show interest or go. Maybe something like, "Hey H, I'll be at the family get-together this weekend and just wanted to let you know you're welcome too."
Hi Cardinal- Well, I posed my question about the birthdays this weekend to my therapist, and she suggested I tell him what and where it was going to be and end the comment with “I’d really like it if you came” not giving a yes or no question, just suggesting what I wanted. He incredibly nodded his head. I still didn’t know if that head nod was an acknowledgement he heard me or a yes he’d go. I didn’t ask. This morning, he announced where he was going,came home and asked what time WE needed to be there, then we went together in the car. We had a nice time with family and I even asked if he would like to drive my car home. He did. I know that is enough for today and I have detached from him even though it was such an enjoyable day that I would love to double down and ask him to go somewhere. I need to practice my patience and also let him see I am not on top of him to do things since I have GAL more since this happened. Just wanted to give a positive update.
Any comments appreciated: So yesterday, while I was at work H called me for his iTunes password. I have it written down at home and told him I’d look it up when I got home. He was home when I came in I told him I’d look it up. I did, and waited until he came and asked me. I’d normally get the code and go tell him immediately. I am hoping to be a mystery.
Last night, my gym had a anniversary party. They had dinner and drinks for members. I went, had a great time and got home around 9:00. He was in bed in the other room.
Today, I work from home. He came home for a break in the morning and proceeded to let me know he was taking a shower, that he was headed back to work and was working late. I just said ok.
So now to where I need comments. This afternoon he called me ( this man has not called me on my cell for nine months, now two days in a row??) so he called to tell me he was going to see his mom tomorrow. She lives four hours away. I asked if he was going to stay over, he said yes, then asked if I wanted to go. I said no. I love his mom, but I just visited her last month alone and at Christmas he didn’t go at all when my daughter and I did. I told him, I’ve seen her recently, and I’m sure his mom wouldn’t like some time with him alone. This is something I have dreamed of, but I am not going to drop everything because he asked me. I am trying to GAL. Why do I feel so bad for saying no?
Thanks Wooba, It felt so counter productive to tell him no, but that is what a 180 is, right?
He left early this morning, I was still half asleep. He did tell me he was leaving vs his usual leaving when he goes to work without saying anything. When he told me, I asked if he could text me when he got there. He said he would, and he actually did!
So this last weekend, he went to see his mom. He had asked if I wanted come along and I responded no. I wanted to be mysterious and also, I felt it would be good for him to visit her alone without me there to keep conversations going.
He returned Sunday and has started to become distant again. I am engaging him when the situation presents itself, but he has reverted to ignoring me when he can. I do act like I have a roommate, so I am not going overboard. But for example, he came home while I was cleaning up my dinner dishes, I said, “I cooked some chicken.” He replied he would eat some frozen burritos. He heated them up, and took them into the bedroom and closed the door. I will not see him again until maybe tomorrow after work.
Now, I don’t know if he mentioned this situation to his mom, but I am inclined to think no. I just am feeling helpless. I know I need to remind myself this is a marathon and not a sprint, and in the last ten months things have progressed and I am not at the beginning situation, does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Hi, PLC. Progress seems to slip away, but only if you think of this as being a continuous upward trajectory. In my experience (and from what I’ve read here), there are lots of ups and downs. I’m comforted when I remind myself the only thing I can for sure expect are ups and downs! The key I think is to remember this is normal, and to try not to let them affect you and your PMA as much as possible.
When my H’s moods change, I try to think of him as a science experiment I’m observing from a distance, and that helps me detach a little more. Remember: his ups and downs aren’t about you! You can’t help him through this, but you can give him the space and time to go through it, and that is doing something. If he’s in a mood and ignoring you, I would just give him more space and focus on you. Maybe don’t even mention that you made food. He’ll find it in the fridge if he wants it. Let him engage you. Otherwise, enjoy your dinner and go about your evening however you’d like. Take a glass of wine into the other room and read a book—that’s what I’m doing!
I had remarked to my therapist this week that when he and I did share the room watching the Bryant memorial last week, I was very aware of the distance that has grown between us. He is a stranger in MY house. I have had the last ten months with this house and a roommate all to myself. I have every room except the bedroom he sleeps in as my territory. Sometimes, it is easier to grab that book and a beverage and be happy. I know part of that distance is me not wanting to speak too much or say the wrong thing and just be silent. So this is an education for me too.
Your words help. He is a roommate, science experiment that is 15. I need to observe from afar. I am looking forward to tomorrow evening, a friend invited me to a cooking decorating class. GAL here I come.
I need to remember impatience is my weakness, and to keep trudging forward.
I also have continued to learn so much about me. I have grown new habits, and I enjoy me!
Thank you for your words and virtual hug! It was appreciated.
I don’t know how to change my title. But if I could, it would be HELP.
So H at the beginning of this lockdown, was starting to come out of his shell just a tiny bit. Our daughter came home from grad school for what we all thought would be three weeks, and now, who knows how long. He was sleeping in her room, so when she came home, he went to sleep in the den. He ate dinner with us and we actually all watched a movie. In the last month or so, he had been a little more approachable and was not going anywhere, the OW had posted online she had a new BF and this had been off on H’s end since before Christmas.
Two weeks ago, H had to fly for work and was gone ten days. Before he came home, I told him, our daughter would move I to the living room and he could have her room to socially distance from us since he had been out and about. We also had brief texts while he was gone. Nothing urgent but he did text back, whereas he had not before. He agreed about going in the other bedroom ( I mean, I gave him a perfect option, he can close the door on the house going’s on) he thankfully has not gotten sick, but he is considered essential and leaves daily so I do not see her getting her room back any time soon.
Since he’s been back, I noticed he has been very distant. I remarked to my therapist that I thought something was happening. He won’t eat with us, definitely won’t sit and watch a program. He is very early after the BD behavior again. I went onto Facebook this morning, and his fake account states “single” on a hunch I went to OW and hers said the same thing, I looked, and yep, they are friends again. So the puzzle is coming into clear view. Just now, I looked and he’s “engaged to her” and hers no longer states her status. It all makes sense. The thing is, she 30 years younger, and lives in another country. So he’s not going to see her soon. But now I know, possibly when he traveled, they made contact. I know that maybe it’s possible his birthday triggered something, (it’s Tuesday) and next month is a year since BD.
Friends, I believe this is part of he MLC crisis. It cycles, doesn’t it?I think I got complacent because he was semi normal. I realize, even before the lockdown, he never moved out. He would come home at night 99.9% of the time. We could have basic conversations. Am I wrong to be hopeful even in the midst of this happening still? I want to stand for my marriage. How do I GAL when I can’t go anywhere?
I feel sad. Tomorrow I was shocked that he wants a ham. I honestly didn’t have anything planned. Now maybe we will eat together. But any help would really be appreciated. Thank you all PLC
I'm sorry to hear that PLC. OW is 30 years younger and lives in another country?? sounds like a recipe for disaster......but currently maybe they are connecting online and everything is sunshine and rainbows. I don't have any answers for you....but I think it is never wrong to have hope, you just also need be very aware of the reality - ow/his actions etc...things may look impossible at one point, but you never know what the future holds. GALing does not mean you have to go out, do the things you enjoy doing at home, try to keep yourself upbeat. Live a life that you'd enjoy without thinking about him.
Thank you Wooba, Yes, OW is 26, with two young kids. It’s ridiculous. Ok, I have been GALing in enjoying tv shows, baking and things like that. I know he is chasing his happiness and until he realizes he needs to look within, it will be a futile effort. I’m wondering if anyone has seen this kind of cycle, of almost looking “normal” then going back? They seemed to be broken up for so long and idk if there was another in between for him, but I was beginning to be a little more “there” and he was not avoiding conversations. They weren’t important conversations in the scheme of things, but it was human connection. My therapist reminded me he is in fantasyland. It’s just hard. I need to stay upbeat. Thank you!
Do you want your title changed to "Help"? I will be happy to do it for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last edited by job; 05/04/2011:58 AM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
