It’s tough and I am sorry you are going through this right now. Absolutely go minute by minute if you need to. Just know that you will get through this one way or another. Try to keep your expectations low and try to get a little better every day.
Sometimes, the closed off is ok, if he’s here. At least I know where he is. When he’s gone, I go to the worst places he could be. It probably is human nature to do so. I am grateful, that for the most part, he does not stay out all night. Usually he is home from work, leaves to get food, comes home and goes to bed.
I asked my MC why he is now sometimes leaving the bedroom door open, when it had been closed and he would never be in a room if I was in it. She said that the walls are still up and strong, but that he is testing to see what I am doing. Well, I’m not doing anything. He needs to. I’m not rude, but I need to take care of me.
Thanks for the hugs, haven’t had one in a long time.
Well-he hasn’t come home. It is 3:15 am. I am torn from being worried he is ok and being mad because he is still out. The last time he pulled this was a few months ago and he did tell me via text he wouldn’t be home.
So he is still not home. He could be doing this to get me to engage negatively, or because he is a jerk in MLC and does not even think of me. What do I do when he does eventually come home? Are there things to say or not to say?
I understand your frustration w/your h, but you can't control what he says, feels or does. The only person you can control is you and how you react to his behavior. You don't want to come off sounding like his mother, so I would suggest that you say nothing when he first comes home. He's expecting you to go off and give him the justification he needs to do the things he's doing.
Just as you would a teenager, once you have calmed down and can broach the subject in a very calm voice with eye contact, I would say "say, h, would you please text and let me know if you are going to be late or aren't planning to return home so that I am not worrying that something has happened to you?" If you approach him w/a question, he might be more prone to do what you ask. If you come at him in anger, he will be more determined to stay out and not text you just to annoy the heck out of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Imagine that he’s not staying home. You wouldn’t know how late he’s staying out because he doesn’t tell you. You have to relinquish that. He’s a grown adult, you are not his mother. I worry about my H in that way typically after he makes a suicidal comment.....and I’ll call and check on him, but other than that I honestly accept the fact that he is his own person. He doesn’t report to me and I can’t make him if he truly does not want to be held accountable on his whereabouts.
So to your Q- don’t say anything when he comes home. You should be sleeping at that time and not caring whether he’s home or not.
I think I will go with the no comments. One thing he said at the BD, was I am “always nagging” so to be indifferent or to think as Wooba suggested, that if he didn’t live here I wouldn’t know, will probably be best for my situation.
I need to keep remembering that I have no control over what he thinks.
I hope everyone has a nice Sunday!
Last edited by PLC; 01/26/2004:49 PM. Reason: Spelling
Silence is golden and eventually the time he's spending out on the street will get old. Think of him as a roommate who is only sharing the rental space.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Even though this has been since May, he’s only been home since August and hasn’t been out much. I’m lucky in that aspect that he hasn’t behaved that way, so when he does, I need to remind myself what I’m dealing with.
Just an update, he came home, I was still in bed, 8:30 ish, he used the other bathroom, changed his clothes and left.
He came home around 2:00, I was watching news coverage and I asked if he had heard the news, he said yes and then we had a mini nonsensical conversation about one of our dogs. He went into the bedroom. A little while later he came out and went into the kitchen, I told him I was going to pick up some food and would he be interested In anything, and he actually said sure, how about pizza?
He came out when I was back with the pizza and took it to the other room to eat. Last weekend, we had the same little breakthrough, I did not ask where he had been overnight, nor did I ask him to let me know if he was going to do this again and let me know. I hope he wonders why, but I doubt it.
Just thought I’d post as this was a hard one for me.
