Help!

[PLC]

I realized after I wrote that I didn’t make much sense. What I mean, is that as until there is no sign of any OW, he will be in replay? I realize I may not know of any OW. But is that the meaning? He will stop looking for someone else to be with?

[Cadet]

I realized after I wrote that I didn’t make much sense. What I mean, is that as until there is no sign of any OW, he will be in replay? I realize I may not know of any OW. But is that the meaning? He will stop looking for someone else to be with?

Again I am not sure I understand your question.

However their are no guarantees that he will stop looking for someone else and as long as this is happening he is in REPLAY.


Also he could stay in REPLAY and not even have another person.

All of these things are best to look at in retrospect( or the rear view mirror) - you will not be able to predict the future or if you can - then please tell me the winning lottery numbers for the next drawing.

[PLC]

I think what I mean, does OW signify Replay? But based on your answer, no. I am trying for a crystal ball, one doesn’t exist. I was just hoping that perhaps when the A ends, he would come out of the fog. But I am I understanding that is not the case and he can still be in replay alone. Thanks.

[job]

Generally someone in crisis will have an affair. That affair partner becomes the band aid to their woes. The affair partner tends to stroke their egos, make them feel good about themselves and, of course, listen and validates everything that they say.

Now, you have some that never have an affair partner, i.e., physical or emotional. This type of crisis person will obsess over work, gym, sports, gardening, yard work, etc. Some will purchase a sailboat or travel. Others, will take up religion and focus on that and others will completely disappear for years on end and then one day show back up.

Try to remember, if this affair ends, the crisis person could just as easily pick up another person. Sometimes they break up and then get back together.

PLC, you need to visit the MLC forum and read some of the work links that Cadet has put together. You will discover that just because an affair ends, it doesn't mean that the crisis is over.

The timeline for MLC will end when he/she is ready to end it. It takes a very long time because it took a long time for them to get to the point of a major crisis. We have no control over when it will end and no, we cannot snap them out of it. Try to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you, nor anyone else can fix him. He has to do that himself.

[PLC]

Job, thank you. As I read your response I see many other signs that happened before the BD, obsessing over looks, and work.

Now, I see with his social media, he is almost obsessing over the OW. He is very junior high in his behavior which I understand is normal for MLC.

I will look at the MLC board. I hope there are a couple of happy endings that resulted in the MLC returning. I know our marriage will never be the same, and in some sense that is good, because no one deserves to feel this way, the MLC for their reasons, and the LBS thrown on this journey.

I have learned in the last seven months I am stronger than I knew.

Thank you.

[wooba]

I have learned in the last seven months I am stronger than I knew.

Totally agree. The first time I had that feeling was after having children. the second time is now. sometimes you have to dig deep to find that strength, but it's there.

[may22]

Hi PLC,
Just dropping some support your way-- you seem incredibly strong. I know what you mean about when their behavior affects the kids-- totally wrong and anger-inducing. I'm right there with you. But it seems like you are able to generally observe his behavior and not let it affect you too much, and that is awesome.

[PLC]

Thank you, may22. I think I am still in shock, and also after being married for so many years, somehow my instant reaction was to begin to detach. My intuition stepped up at the BD moment and I just stayed out of it. I watch his behavior and try to figure stuff out, which is anxiety inducing. But that being said, he doesn’t know that. To him I’m a cool cucumber. I even will laugh out loud watching tv like I am having a great time. I know he hears me, and I know right now he probably doesn’t care, but I’m not sobbing to sleep every night. I want him to think I’m good, and I will be ok. It is just a matter of time. When this first happened, my mantra was “today is one day closer to this being over”. It makes me feel a little control.

[PLC]

So I mentioned that my H has OW in another country who happens to be 30 years younger than him...I can tell things are not going great based on my social media spying. He literally came home from work yesterday morning around 11:00 and stayed on the couch in the dark (it rained) under his covers. My D24 and I left and were gone all day. As far as I can tell, he only left the couch to microwave a quick meal. (He avoids anything I cook and opted for a frozen burrito) he didn’t watch tv. He just lays there. Could this just be stepped up avoidance or possibly a depression? He doesn’t even speak to our D unless she says something and they are one word answers.

[job]

PLC,

The main ingredient of MLC is depression. Depression is about things from the past and anxiety is about the present and future.

Your h is acting out. He's acting like a sulking teenager. As for not eating the food you prepared....that's typical behavior of a MLCer. Check out HaWho's threads over in the MLC Forum. You might be surprised that your h is acting quite a bit like her xh did for a few years.

Keep the focus on you and your family. Leave him be to his sulking. If he doesn't eat your food, don't worry...he's not going to starve. If he drags his feet to go somewhere and isn't ready to go when you are, leave him and go on to your destination. Trust me....he will survive one way or the other. He's just a miserable teenager trying to grow up.