I need to tell someone what is happening. Only my therapist, my husband and me know. I am new to this board, but seven months in to this gift of a MLC. (sarcasm)
Been married 27 years, one D, 24. (away at Grad school)
For a few years my H has seemed distant. I would ask if he was ok, I even told him he didn't seem happy. He works long hours and has to travel. Because of the travel, I have always stepped up to keep the house running and to not complain while he was gone. He already was missing out on things so why make it worse?
Back in 2013, I had a health scare that required surgery. I was fine, but it was a scary time. Our D was nearing graduation and surgery just was an added event. At that time, I remember very distinctly his boss calling me to see how I was and commented that my H told him "he couldn't lose me" I thought to myself it was a weird comment, because my H was never very demonstrative.
Since 2013, we have had some fun times. However, if I had to pinpoint a "life event" that could have caused concern, our D graduated college and his uncle made a Will as he is nearing 80. My H is extremely close to him. My H began online gambling and bought lottery tickets daily. He would attend events, but was very standoffish. Funnily, before this happened, we began heading out to the beach on the weekends to spend time together.
earlier this year, I had to have surgery (all good) and surgery was a Friday, I was home Sat and he left Sun to go out of the country. He missed Easter and came back a week after. He was home two weeks and durning that time the BD happened. I reacted weird. I stepped away. I asked him once, what was he going to do, where would he live and I mentioned that we had so many plans for our future. He responded that I knew he wasn't happy and he "didn't want to be married anymore" A week later, he left the country for an absence of three months. No contact except to text for money. He has never asked for anymore and I get his paychecks and still pay the bills.
He posted on FB that he was in the city where he was going and I went through the people that liked it and a woman "hearted" the comment. I went to her profile and he had been posting how much he loved her a week before he left to be there. H is 56 she is 26. (NIIIICE)
So then I knew, H was off the deep end. My C suggested MLC and I figured that couldn't be because he didn't buy a sports car. While he was gone, I finished recovery and began getting a life. When he came back, he was pleasant but distant and has never slept in our room. He sleeps on the couch or our D's room. We have not had any conversations regarding our M since the BD. Most days he comes home and walks straight to D's room and shuts the door. He does not eat at the house. He showers in our bathroom connected to our master early in the AM then leaves. I can go DAYS without one word from him.
I have watched the relationship with OW go up and down like a junior HS kid. He does not know I know. I do get some pleasure out of watching this unfold with her. He apparently got engaged. She has two young kids. It looks as if she posts on IG and FB for men's attention. His parents got divorced when we were getting married. My C thinks his dad is NPD. My H has never been an emotional person. He still is not. He is friendly to neighbors and once when my sister came by, totally normal. Since this has been going on, we are total roommates. I do my thing and he is a hermit. I am happy he is home at night, but his ignoring me is brutal. I don't know if he is in replay, Withdrawal or Depression. He has gone to see her a few times, and each time, I don't think it turns our well. BUT he still goes.
I just had to post, it has been hard keeping this from everyone. Thanks
Last edited by job; 04/12/2006:57 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just in general it sounds like MLC. Regarding OW, it sounds like you are hoping it will crash and burn, but just understand she is an EFFECT of what he is going through, not the CAUSE. She will come and go, and then there will probably be OW2, OW3, who knows how many. It sounds like you are giving him tons of time and space, that is GOOD! Not speaking to him days at a time actually plays in your favor. MLCers cannot stand pressure so you are doing good at removing the pressure. Whatever he is going through, you can't help him. It's a journey he has to make alone.
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I don't know if he is in replay, Withdrawal or Depression
MLC is not an exact science where the various stages are obvious. It's very confusing and cloudy. You can't really "diagnose" someone as being in MLC or determine what stage of it they are in, or how long they will be in it and when they will come out of the tunnel. Read the threads and stickies in the MLC forum, I think they will help.
I thought I posted a reply...I would love if it crashed and burned. But I know I have no say so and this isn’t about me or the OW. It is easy to give space since he won’t talk to me. I have had instances where he looks at me like he doesn’t know who I am. My C said I need to avoid his fantasy and leave him be. He is in deep.
As much as I would like a resolution to this, the only way it would happen now is if I filed. I don’t want to do that. So I am just going to continue on the path I was put on. Thank you!
hi PLC - just dropping by to offer support. I find this forum to be a great outlet for me. I've told a few close friends about our problems in the beginning, but other than that I don't really want to involve them in this emotional roller coaster.
Don't let his ignoring you get to you. Give distance & time. Love yourself.
Thank you Woosa! I am just so sad right now. I just picked up our D who is coming home for the holidays. We came in the house and he has made his bed in the living room. He is in his “bed” awake on his phone texting. No greeting to our D! What an ass. This is when I get angry. Ignore me, but she really has no skin in the game. It makes me so mad. My C says my daughter is not part of the fantasy life (plus she’s almost the same age as the OW) I wonder if his relationship with the OW is crashing and burning and he is being hyper focused on repairing that....but that is just me wondering. Tomorrow is another day, and I’ll keep on moving along.
If anyone has experiences with this kind of behavior, I’d love input. Thanks.
Just in general it sounds like MLC. Regarding OW, it sounds like you are hoping it will crash and burn, but just understand she is an EFFECT of what he is going through, not the CAUSE. She will come and go, and then there will probably be OW2, OW3, who knows how many. It sounds like you are giving him tons of time and space, that is GOOD! Not speaking to him days at a time actually plays in your favor. MLCers cannot stand pressure so you are doing good at removing the pressure. Whatever he is going through, you can't help him. It's a journey he has to make alone.
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I don't know if he is in replay, Withdrawal or Depression
MLC is not an exact science where the various stages are obvious. It's very confusing and cloudy. You can't really "diagnose" someone as being in MLC or determine what stage of it they are in, or how long they will be in it and when they will come out of the tunnel. Read the threads and stickies in the MLC forum, I think they will help.
Good luck and keep posting!
Not to disagree but I will tell you he is in REPLAY. If there is another person it is REPLAY.
Depression is part of all stages of MLC and the STAGE of Depression comes much later when he is actually returning and not leaving.
So, as long as we know that there is no OW anywhere, he is replay? Ugh, ok. I mean, I didn’t think it would be over so quickly. Would replay cause the complete ignoring? That’s why I thought it was withdrawal or depression. Maybe that is due to his OW relationship not being perfect?
So, as long as we know that there is no OW anywhere, he is replay? Ugh, ok. I mean, I didn’t think it would be over so quickly. Would replay cause the complete ignoring? That’s why I thought it was withdrawal or depression. Maybe that is due to his OW relationship not being perfect?
I am not sure what you are saying here ^^^^^
but this
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He has gone to see her a few times, and each time, I don't think it turns our well. BUT he still goes.
He is still seeking another person so hence REPLAY.
