My M is over. He's got OW, shows no signs of wanting to reconcile, haven't spoken to him in 4 months and for financial reasons I filed for D. I do not know if he's been served yet.
I'm stuck on the part where he has someone and I'll be alone forever. He gets his happily ever after while I struggle to buy groceries. He gets everything and I get nothing. I got dumped and was replaced so easily after 30 years together. She gets my life, the life that was supposed to be mine. If I do date all that will be out there will be damaged obese men that I'm not attracted to. WAH is fit, we had great chemistry and I'll never get that again. She has it. Logically I know I'm being ridiculous but emotionally this is where I'm stuck.
If you think of this in DB terms, DB is all about working to become more secure. Focus on you. Focus on becoming more secure. Then your next great relationship (whether a R for with someone new) will have a more solid footing and you will be happier.
My brain says this will never happen, might as well give up and get some cats. Ugh.
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If and when you choose to enter the dating pool, there are compatible people out there, I guarantee it.
In the meantime, work on your emotional growth. It's painful, it's hard, it's exhausting, and it's worth it
As the anxious one I need a fix. Badly. Thing is it solves nothing. I was unhappy with WAH and I'm unhappy without him. What I want is to get better and have him come back but well that isn't going to happy and yes I know I sound like Eeyore. I don't know how to stop.
Hi Kas, I've been following you off and on. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. While H seems happy, he has to live with what he did, whether he ever recognises it or not. Honeymoon stage will end with OW. Maybe he will repeat his mistakes, maybe he will realize what was lost. What I think is important is your efforts and strength to get through such an unexpected and unwelcome journey. I feel the same way as you, if my W signs the D, I'm left alone, with cute and wonderful baggage. You will get through it and you never know who is out there when you're ready. There's a number of us all going through these circumstances, self improving and pro-work it out until there are no options left people. Maybe you find someone who went through just as tough a journey and who rebuilt themselves from the ground up.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
My M is over. He's got OW, shows no signs of wanting to reconcile, haven't spoken to him in 4 months and for financial reasons I filed for D. I do not know if he's been served yet.
I'm stuck on the part where he has someone and I'll be alone forever. He gets his happily ever after while I struggle to buy groceries. He gets everything and I get nothing. I got dumped and was replaced so easily after 30 years together. She gets my life, the life that was supposed to be mine. If I do date all that will be out there will be damaged obese men that I'm not attracted to. WAH is fit, we had great chemistry and I'll never get that again. She has it. Logically I know I'm being ridiculous but emotionally this is where I'm stuck.
So much doom and gloom............
I would hope that the thing you learn through all of this is that your happiness and your fulfillment is solely in your hands. Struggling to buy groceries? So go out there and change it! (Hint: It has nothing to do with relying someone else!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm not bored or lonely I'm broken and the effort to fix me is painful. If I signed up on an online dating site to see what my options are I'd feel better. If there are halfway attractive men there then I'm good. All I need then is to use my sex appeal to find someone once my divorce is final. Yes, yes this will work. Until then I'll focus instead on my outward appearance. How much does professional teeth whitening cost anyway? lol
Please do not do this until you have dealt with your own issues. Or you will be heading towards another future BD.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would hope that the thing you learn through all of this is that your happiness and your fulfillment is solely in your hands. Struggling to buy groceries? So go out there and change it! (Hint: It has nothing to do with relying someone else!)
I'm honestly glad ya'll are calling me out on this. It embarrasses me to be this weak. I write these posts, read responses as my brain slowly rewires itself. It probably seems like I'm getting nowhere but I am I'm just slow.
Logically I know my happiness is in my hands I just can't get it to stick emotionally.
On groceries WAH isn't paying me what he's supposed to so I filed for D. I've got a cushion in my bank account and I've got $9k for legal fees (saved while he was still paying all my bills). I'm prepared to hunker down for a few months until I get a support hearing. We both have good attorneys but he cheated and I didn't. We live in a fault state and he got complacent.
Please do not do this until you have dealt with your own issues. Or you will be heading towards another future BD
When he left I started talking to OM online (did not cheat). I got BD only because I said no to his offers to visit me. I did come very close to doing something stupid. Met another man online and it ended the same way. At that point I realized I needed to go cold turkey from men. It was tough but within 3 months I got a handle on it. When I found out about the OW I contacted the first OM. We texted until noon until I lost interest. I felt cured.
I was only interested in signing up for OLD for reassurance that's likely to backfire so I won't do it.
My M is over. He's got OW, shows no signs of wanting to reconcile, haven't spoken to him in 4 months and for financial reasons I filed for D. I do not know if he's been served yet.
I'm stuck on the part where he has someone and I'll be alone forever. He gets his happily ever after while I struggle to buy groceries. He gets everything and I get nothing. I got dumped and was replaced so easily after 30 years together. She gets my life, the life that was supposed to be mine. If I do date all that will be out there will be damaged obese men that I'm not attracted to. WAH is fit, we had great chemistry and I'll never get that again. She has it. Logically I know I'm being ridiculous but emotionally this is where I'm stuck.
You still have so much negative emotional spiraling... You will not be alone forever if you do not want to be. He is not going to get his "happily ever after" while you struggle to buy groceries, that's just silly. You will become an independent woman who doesn't need him in your life just to be able to afford groceries. Why would you go on further dates with people you aren't attracted to? If you aren't attracted to them, find someone else... No one is forcing you to go out with damaged, obese men that you aren't attracted to. There are plenty of decent options out there that will check the right boxes for you. But if you're a damaged, obese woman what are your plans to change that in order to attract the type of men you want?
You must start putting one foot in front of the other and figure out what GAL'ing looks like for you. Allowing yourself to get stuck in this same negative thinking loop each and every day will get you nowhere.
Hi Kas - I too have been following you on and off too. I want you to think of something when you don't think you will find anyone. At least half of all marriages fail. HALF! Next time you go out, divide the room in half. All the people one one side are statistically going to end up available and looking.
For a while, I thought I would never find someone either. I am still looking but I am thinking more as to what I want to be and what I **really** want in someone else. I know - being alone [censored], but you know what's worse, having a spouse that treats you like cr@p and doesn't respect you. Being alone is 100x better than that.
My ex found someone else too before we were separated and the best way I can describe how I felt was: betrayed. Ripped off, gyped, destroyed, but in the end, I felt betrayed. Sounds like you and I both didn't sign up for what we were given in the end. Understand too that a new relationship built on deceit and lies is nothing more than a farce. Our former SO's might have somebody now, but they will always wake up wondering if the person they are waking up to will eventually cheat again.
Think about stuff you liked to do before you got married and start doing those things again.
Logging on to dating sites at this time is not the way to go. You have to deal w/the fallout of what is going on in your situation as well as healing yourself. Look at it another way, if you are logging on to dating sites and communicating/chatting w/men from those sites, you are using them as band aids to patch up your broken heart and self esteem. Until you have healed your situation has been settled and put to rest, you do not want to bring a third party into the mix because at some point, someone is going to get hurt.
Try to remember that happiness comes from within and another person cannot make you happy. Sure, you might think another person will make you happy, but at the end of the day, you have to dig deep within your soul and find that Kas who was happy and self confident before you met your spouse.
Do not lower yourself to your spouse's level. If he thinks you are dating, then he's going to think you have finally accepted what he is doing and are okay w/it. You are not. You are trying to honor the love and honor that you had when you two were a couple.
Now about the groceries, check into food stamps. There is no shame in getting some government assistance until things are resolved. Ask questions of your local government and see what you can be entitled to and use those services. There is no shame in asking and using the various systems that are available for all to use when they fall onto hard times.
Kas, breathe and dig deeper for patience. You are not going to recover in a day, a week or even a month. It is going to take time to grieve and trust me, the steps for grieving are not linear. Some days you will be angry as h3ll, other days, you will cry...but I promise you, as you work through the grieving process, you will become a stronger person.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Logging on to dating sites at this time is not the way to go.
Like an alcoholic I was just going to have a sip. Wasn't going to put a profile up I just wanted to snoop. I'm not going to do it because no good will come of it. If there are nice looking men I'll be tempted. If there aren't I'll be depressed.
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Try to remember that happiness comes from within and another person cannot make you happy. Sure, you might think another person will make you happy, but at the end of the day, you have to dig deep within your soul and find that Kas who was happy and self confident before you met your spouse.
Logically I know another person can't make me happy......but I don't want to be alone. I can't even fathom a world where I can be happy without a man in my life. I think how is that even possible? Everyone I work with has someone to go home to.
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Do not lower yourself to your spouse's level. If he thinks you are dating, then he's going to think you have finally accepted what he is doing and are okay w/it. You are not. You are trying to honor the love and honor that you had when you two were a couple.
I don't care what he thinks but I do care what my kids think. They have lost respect for him for dating while we are still married. They asked me directly if I had someone and I said no. D14 asked him if he was going to date before she moved in with him. He said no. Unlike him I won't lie to our kids.
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Now about the groceries, check into food stamps.
My income puts me close to poverty level but not low enough for me to qualify for food stamps (I checked). I got close though.
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Kas, breathe and dig deeper for patience. You are not going to recover in a day, a week or even a month. It is going to take time to grieve and trust me, the steps for grieving are not linear. Some days you will be angry as h3ll, other days, you will cry...but I promise you, as you work through the grieving process, you will become a stronger person.
Your post makes me cry. I've cried a lot since I had to move because it was in that moment when I knew my M was over. I had hope before then. The nails that finished it off were the OW, him deliberately paying me as little as possible and lying about the promotion. I am jealous of the OW but the rest will be righted in court.
If it's possible to be happy alone then why does it seem like most people are partnered back up? And why do the people who are alone seem unhappy? I'm surrounded by people who are on their 2nd marriages. The only single woman I work with is unhappy.
Is this some sort of zen thing where few figure this out and everyone else jumps into a new R? I mean that's what I'd be doing if I hadn't found this board. In a heartbeat.
The big thing I've seen in others posts Kas, even if you found someone for the time being, you might be blinded by your feelings. Times like this are when men and women are taken advantage of by predatory people. You don't want that for you or the kids. You're ahead of me so its easier for me to say but you will be happier in the long run working on yourself and taking the time to find a quality partner rather than potentially be taken advantage of. Imagine going home to someone you hate or an abuser, someone using you for cash, for a home, for whatever it may be. You'd wish you were alone!
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
My parents disowned me and it took me 10 years to let them go. It didn't help that they stalked and harassed me. I worry that I won't get past this for 10 years either but I'm NC and I am working hard to GAL, detach and move on. This is harder than losing my parents because at least when that happened I had WAH. Now it's all me.
S19 bought a car yesterday. It's this classic manual transmission car from Britain. No power anything, steering wheel on the wrong side of the car and despite being barely able to drive it he drove it 2 miles to my house so I could see it. He giggled and is so excited. He wanted me to see it. Me.
The big thing I've seen in others posts Kas, even if you found someone for the time being, you might be blinded by your feelings. Times like this are when men and women are taken advantage of by predatory people. You don't want that for you or the kids. You're ahead of me so its easier for me to say but you will be happier in the long run working on yourself and taking the time to find a quality partner rather than potentially be taken advantage of. Imagine going home to someone you hate or an abuser, someone using you for cash, for a home, for whatever it may be. You'd wish you were alone!
There is no doubt my picker will be off for a while. Until I can be alone I should not date. Too risky. I do know this I'm just pouting. I was doing great until I got kicked out of my house. He notified me I was moving by cc'ing me on the email he sent to the rental company. Nice right?
Hi Kas - I too have been following you on and off too. I want you to think of something when you don't think you will find anyone. At least half of all marriages fail. HALF! Next time you go out, divide the room in half. All the people one one side are statistically going to end up available and looking.
I've followed your story here and there I just don't respond because I am in no position to give anyone advice. I'm surrounded by people who have been married for 10-20 years but my demographic is small.
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My ex found someone else too before we were separated and the best way I can describe how I felt was: betrayed. Ripped off, gyped, destroyed, but in the end, I felt betrayed. Sounds like you and I both didn't sign up for what we were given in the end. Understand too that a new relationship built on deceit and lies is nothing more than a farce. Our former SO's might have somebody now, but they will always wake up wondering if the person they are waking up to will eventually cheat again.
Yes this is exactly how I feel. My H would say he didn't meet the OW until after he moved out (its possible I guess) and that he's just keeping her away from the kids until it's serious. Lots of people date while separated so he's doing nothing wrong in fact he's a great father by not introducing her to the kids until its serious.
I like to put things out there to debate them. I read LBS stories and some seem forced. My H traded me in for a 25 year old but now I make my own soap. I'm dating now. I've been out on 15 dates and there is this one guy who is nice but he has cats and I'm allergic. I did a background check and he's 5 years older but he is divorced so that's good. Overall I'm happy with my life. I would never have done any of this if I were still with my ex.
So far the only thing I can say is I got closer to my kids and I'm healed from my men addiction. Yeah it seems like I haven't but I have. Hi my name is kas and it's been 5 months since I sexted anyone.
Does this truly get better? Will I be happy making soap? Yes I'm being funny but this is how I feel sometimes reading these posts. Please don't anyone take offense. I just want to get better.
You had a men addiction and were sexting while married?
Men addiction yes meaning codependent, can't be alone, needed validation, no female friends, etc. When I was younger I'd go from one relationship to another within weeks. I got too attached to men I worked with. I never had an affair (EA or PA) but I walked right up to that line. This was before cell phones (no sexting) or the internet. I became a homemaker (15 years ago) and my access to men ended. I focused on my kids and tried to make female friends.
6 years ago I did go online and made male friends. WAH got angry (he agreed they were friends) and then dug into my past before we married. Realized I had more experience than him and I became tainted goods. He thinks the man should be more experienced than the woman. In anger I offered a hall pass. "Go sleep with 3 women so you can beat me". Anyway we were never the same after this which is why I'm not surprised there is OW. He longed to have the teenage experience and now he's having it.
Meanwhile, before I knew about the OW, I panicked. He'd just left, I can't be alone, and my instinct to jump into another R was strong. Ended up meeting a man online and soon the sexting started. He wanted to come visit but I said no and the OM dumped me. Long story short I decided to once and for all fix my men addiction so I went cold turkey. Took 3 months until the urge passed (it was hard).
I've been 100% man free for 5 months now which is the longest I've gone since I was 15 years old. Yes this was a real problem. I wanted to sign up on a dating site to feel hopeful about my future. I don't have a desire for a R or male attention right now but I'm thinking it's probably not a good idea to risk it.
He's rewritten history and kept saying I'm crazy and it's been 30 years over and over. Says he's been unhappy since the beginning. He's miserable and if he dumps me he will be happy. Told me "its time for me to take care of myself". I'm not sure how much of what happened 6 years ago played a part in this I just know it's a factor. BD looked like a nervous breakdown.
He's still drinking heavily and working a lot. He's desperately trying to buy the kids love but they have lost respect for him. They take his gifts and go back to their regularly scheduled lives. D17 still isn't talking to him.
I'm getting no signs that he's been served nor have I heard from my attorney. It's been 3 weeks.
Kas, you are so right about sounding like Eeyore! You were doing much better there for a while, why do you think you've back-tracked and how do you think you can get back to where you need to be? I have a couple of suggestions:
1. Quit posting doom-and-gloom worst case scenarios. Anything you post that contains absolutes is just pure pessimism, you have no idea what the future holds so speaking in absolutes is just making you feel worse for no reason. Examples:
I'll be alone forever.
If I do date all that will be out there will be damaged obese men that I'm not attracted to.
My brain says this will never happen, might as well give up and get some cats.
2. Spend less time here on the forums. You did it last week and it really seemed to help you. When you did post you seemed to be in a better place.
3. Engage in your support group. That too seemed to help you quite a bit. If you feel yourself slipping then reach out to someone in the group to help get you back on track.
4. Make your life all about positive energy! Banish the bad thoughts and welcome the good ones. Again I saw you starting to do this last week and it made a difference in your attitude. So get back to that!
I'm not sure why you think no one can be happy single. I've already told you my XW is single and she is very happy. I've also shared with you that her mother's husband passed away about 12 years ago and she lives a very full life and enjoys it very much. She has more zeal than a lot of people half her age. And me as well, sure I sort of have a GF but we only see each other once or twice a month. For all intents and purposes I live as a single person, I do everything myself, and I love my life. I think you wallow in self-despair and embrace anything anyone tells you that backs up that narrative while ignoring and rejecting anything that doesn't. Why continue to make yourself miserable? You can choose to be happy.
6 years ago I did go online and made male friends. WAH got angry (he agreed they were friends) and then dug into my past before we married. Realized I had more experience than him and I became tainted goods. He thinks the man should be more experienced than the woman. In anger I offered a hall pass. "Go sleep with 3 women so you can beat me". Anyway we were never the same after this which is why I'm not surprised there is OW. He longed to have the teenage experience and now he's having it.
Wow. Just wow. You are right, it is no wonder. And I am not saying this to beat you up, but I think other LBSs need to come here and read about this. This is a cautionary tale. Your current sitch is the result of one misstep and mistake after another. Two unhealthy individuals with unhealthy ideals and beliefs, co-depending and projecting on one another. I sincerely pray that if you two do R, that you guys get intensive psychological therapy first, and eventually intensive relationship and marital counseling.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kas, you are so right about sounding like Eeyore! You were doing much better there for a while, why do you think you've back-tracked and how do you think you can get back to where you need to be?
My official dx is PTSD. My surroundings need to be stable to minimize paranoia and I just moved from a McMansion into an old, run down shoe box. Where do I start....I have a tiny kitchen and I'm not efficient.
I took the smallest bedroom (10x10). There are 5 tubs, my clothes are on the floor and I have the filing cabinet with the printer on top. I have a twin bed without a headboard and the blankets don't fit. I have no other furniture.
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Engage in your support group. That too seemed to help you quite a bit. If you feel yourself slipping then reach out to someone in the group to help get you back on track.
I was better last week because of the support group. Last night was a waste because this guy showed up who thinks he's possessed by demons. This has happened once before and she removes them from the group. The group has now ended until January. Sometimes seeing people who are worse off than me help but last night wasn't one of them.
Wow. Just wow. You are right, it is no wonder. And I am not saying this to beat you up, but I think other LBSs need to come here and read about this. This is a cautionary tale. Your current sitch is the result of one misstep and mistake after another. Two unhealthy individuals with unhealthy ideals and beliefs, co-depending and projecting on one another. I sincerely pray that if you two do R, that you guys get intensive psychological therapy first, and eventually intensive relationship and marital counseling.
Yes this was a symptom of a much bigger problem that started back before we got married. He went to a sex therapist for 1.5 years which helped a lot. We'd already done MC. With some distance and healing on my part I see the problems more clearly and think it's fixable. By the time I fix my problems he likely will have moved onto someone new. I lost hope when I found out about the OW.
I'm not sure why you think no one can be happy single.
I'm an introvert but for years I felt like a loser because I didn't have friends. I put forth some serious effort to make some girlfriends and it worked. Did girls night out, talked on the phone, lunches, you name it I tried it but I hated it. I know now I picked needy friends but overall I'm good. I accepted the part of me that can get my social needs from a nice chat with a store clerk. lol
WAH and I were alike in this way so we were content to stay at home. He has two friends. Was never interested in hanging out with them and now is having a full on bromance with one of them. They are together so much that D17 joked that he was a closeted gay. D14 hates him so yeah that's a problem.
I want to accept that I can be happy single. Working on it I just can't get it to stick yet.
It's over. I get it. It's hard but I get it. This is his new life and it is none of my concern who he hangs out with. I want him to be miserable and my instructor and IC says I will get past this. They say one day I won't care but today is not that day.
I won't beat you up. You are having a natural reaction to the emotional trauma that has happened to you. To say that you need to get over it is like telling someone who was hit buy a car they need just get over it. Most people would never say that.
It takes time to heal and you will go through varying emotions during the process. It's not even been a year.
I think you will get there, but don't beat yourself up if you feel down. It's part of the process. I see some growth in your posts even if you don't see it. I just wanted to share that.
Also, I find the double standard here to be a tad disturbing. Multiple LBS who happened to be male have dated and even slept with other women (way sooner than 8 months) I might add. And they tend to get congratulated by the other "NMNGs" here or at minimum get tactic acceptance of the act.
And Kas admitted to a moment of weakness and people jump all over her. You'd done what most of us here have done...but you had to guts to admit it and change direction.
I won't beat you up. You are having a natural reaction to the emotional trauma that has happened to you. To say that you need to get over it is like telling someone who was hit buy a car they need just get over it. Most people would never say that.
It takes time to heal and you will go through varying emotions during the process. It's not even been a year.
DB is about moving on which I get. It's challenging LBS's to GAL so they can heal. I get that too.
In real life people are kind, understanding, and supportive. Its different. I don't want that here so the balance works. I'm told to pick myself up up here and in real life I'm told to take care of my babies and be kind to myself. In real life I have good friends who love and support me in my time of grief. I will continue to push myself mindful of the knowledge that my life and my kids lives just blew up. Heck I'm about to have to put my former disney D17 girl on antidepressants. What the heck just happened??
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I think you will get there, but don't beat yourself up if you feel down. It's part of the process. I see some growth in your posts even if you don't see it. I just wanted to share that.
Thank you. I do appreciate the kind words. I think I'm growing too it's just at a snails pace compared to other people here likely due to the part where I struggle with negativity. I have times when I feel optimistic and positive it just doesn't last long...yet. I want to give up sometimes but I have not.
Also, I find the double standard here to be a tad disturbing. Multiple LBS who happened to be male have dated and even slept with other women (way sooner than 8 months) I might add. And they tend to get congratulated by the other "NMNGs" here or at minimum get tactic acceptance of the act.
And Kas admitted to a moment of weakness and people jump all over her. You'd done what most of us here have done...but you had to guts to admit it and change direction.
I think sleeping with or dating other people is a common response to being dumped and I think its true men get a pass on the behavior more than women do. I look back at when I texting the OM all day and night, talking on the phone and I wince at how pathetic I was. I am grateful I no longer have the urge to self medicate with men. I am free.
[quote] I think I'm growing too it's just at a snails pace compared to other people here likely due to the part where I struggle with negativity. I have times when I feel optimistic and positive it just doesn't last long...yet. I want to give up sometimes but I have not.
I am a runner and I'm pretty good (I know bragging) I usually end up places in most of my races. But the times that I couldn't enjoy my achievements is when I start comparing myself to others. If guy who is older, or doesn't look like a runner, or runs less than me beat me, I used to get annoyed, mad and dismiss my achievements.
See the problem wasn't that I wasn't doing well. It was that I was comparing myself to others. And being human, I never compared myself to slower runners, etc. I always compared myself to the most successful.
With this process, you have to run your own race. You can't compare to people on a message board. You have to look at where you were, where you are and where you are going. The guy thing is a great example of a positive change. Take stock every now and then. And give yourself credit when you feel negative.
I do great when I'm home surrounded by my children. My work continues to suffer. I can buy groceries but get physically sick when I try to do anything else outside the house.
D is worse than death. At one time in history woman wore black and withdrew from the world for a period of one year to grieve. In some cases this was extended to two years.
I'm 8 months out and I feel like a failure because I express my grief here in unhealthy ways. I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people. WAH is done with me and all the DB'ing in the world isn't going to change that.
Its unlikely he will come back but even then the most successful stories on here are ones who spent at least a year apart, the longer the better. The reason many LBSs don't take the WAS's back is a simple matter of them waiting too long. They had their chance and they blew it.
The OM I was talking to his wife left him for her affair partner. 16 months later she wanted to come back. He said no.
KAS99. You are not the only one being a hermit, dealing with feelings, negative self talk and lack of GAL here, flip flopping between past, present, future, and beating yourself up for not doing, trying, correcting, fixing, building hard enough, and trying to fill a void that we ourselves can only fill. You're not alone, I have some commentary for your sich, in which a few instances you proved my point to my last question, I kind of set you up. My problem is I'm dealing with too many feelings. Too much information, too many different schools of thought, too much advise, and too many philosophies that make my anxiety and thoughts nuts. Its a internal self talk that never goes quiet. I never take the time to write it out because it costs me too much time in productivity. But the truth is I'm not being as productive as I should be because I am always thinking/feeling trying to get to the right place of mind. With myself, and my such. SO I NEVER FORGET EVER AGAIN. Maybe I will update my sich, thought and feelings tonight on my own thread.
I do great when I'm home surrounded by my children. My work continues to suffer. I can buy groceries but get physically sick when I try to do anything else outside the house.
D is worse than death. At one time in history woman wore black and withdrew from the world for a period of one year to grieve. In some cases this was extended to two years.
I'm 8 months out and I feel like a failure because I express my grief here in unhealthy ways. I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people. WAH is done with me and all the DB'ing in the world isn't going to change that.
Its unlikely he will come back but even then the most successful stories on here are ones who spent at least a year apart, the longer the better. The reason many LBSs don't take the WAS's back is a simple matter of them waiting too long. They had their chance and they blew it.
The OM I was talking to his wife left him for her affair partner. 16 months later she wanted to come back. He said no.
Full disclosure the GAL thing always grated on my nerves. It implied that I didn't have a life before or that my career and family weren't enough. After work, the kids, etc. the last thing on my mind was finding stuff to do - especially outside of the house. I wasn't going to date. I wasn't going to go to bars - I never did that anyway. I wasn't going to join a new club or new activity, etc. I just wasn't. That's not me and it didn't feel natural. But I was okay with not doing what everyone said. I learned to be. You should be too.
However, I retrospect maybe I should have found stuff that was of interest, but I'd never do stuff just to do stuff. I did continue running - it's pretty cheap and available. I qualified for the Boston Marathon- so I had to keep training. I also used the opportunity to go to more concerts alone - again it was in bands I really wanted to see. I'm curious as to what your life was like before the BD. Did you so stuff by yourself? what about before you got married?
I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people.
Just like everyone else after BD! I cried all the way to work, couldn't hardly get anything done at work, cried all the way home and then just wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner of my room with the door closed. That's what I WANTED to do. What I did instead was came here, posted, read, listened, followed the advice. I made myself GAL, I mean dragged myself out the door kicking and screaming. At first it was just going to the gym, I could do that with minimal fuss. Drive there, work out for an hour, drive home and be miserable some more. But then I started talking to people more and more, and adding other activities. I got back into building R/C planes and model cars. I took a painting class with my daughter. I reached out to old friends I hadn't seen in a long time and set up lunches and dinners with them. I went from hating GAL, to tolerating it, to liking it, to loving it. And at each of those steps I thought about my XW and my sitch progressively less.
I do volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity. Do you know how utterly daunting it is to build a house? To look at a weed-infested lot and say you're going to build a house on it? How in the world do you do it? One tiny piece at a time. You clear the lot. You pour the slab. You grab a piece of treated wood for your bottom plate. You mark the stud locations on it. You drill holes in it for the anchor bolts. You grab a stud and nail to it through the bottom plate. Then another stud and another, then the top plate, etc. etc. You build it one bit at a time. At first it seems impossible. But then you see progress, and you find yourself wanting to push harder. Months later, there's a complete house standing before you. Sometimes you look at it and you wonder how it happened.
That's what GAL is. It's this huge, daunting task that you need to do even though you don't want to. You don't go from zero to full GAL overnight. You start with a piece, and you build on it. Don't be paralyzed by fear, pick something small and do it. Maybe it's walking around the block every evening after work. Or learning to knit, or paint. Pick something and spend some time every day doing it. Don't think about all the reasons why you can't or won't or shouldn't, just make it happen. It's that hard, and that easy.
With this process, you have to run your own race. You can't compare to people on a message board. You have to look at where you were, where you are and where you are going. The guy thing is a great example of a positive change. Take stock every now and then. And give yourself credit when you feel negative.
Before WAH left I couldn't be alone. My entire family, including me, expected me to fall apart. I focused on my kids and tried to get my act together. A pivotal moment was when D17 told me she was happy she had her mom back (my priorities were backwards).
The guy thing is fixed yes. I've got teenagers as I got closer they began to let me into their world.. They cuss and do cringe worthy things. They now draw inappropriate (funny) pictures for the fridge. S19 shows me all the porn texts/emails he gets. They admitted hacking my Netflix account (4 years ago) so they could watch MA shows. Turns out my sweet, straight A, innocent children aren't so innocent after all.
I'm on top of things more than I was before, fixed the guy thing and I've earned my way into my teens private lives. This is what I've accomplished in 8 months.
I do forget where I came from vs where I am now. My mental state needs a complete overhaul yes but I am working on it.
I never take the time to write it out because it costs me too much time in productivity. But the truth is I'm not being as productive as I should be because I am always thinking/feeling trying to get to the right place of mind. With myself, and my such. SO I NEVER FORGET EVER AGAIN. Maybe I will update my sich, thought and feelings tonight on my own thread.
I used to read and post a lot when I was at home but now I don't. I focus on taking care of my kids and sleeping. As a LBS I've waffled from not sleeping much to needing a lot of sleep. Right now I need a lot of sleep. This is an improvement from where I was.
At work yep I post too much, always trying to get to the right place of mind, and I don't want to forget either. I want to stay strong in my resolve to D him. I don't want his crumbs to affect me ever again. Must stay strong. Must not forget.
And don't even get me started on filling the void. lol
I'm curious as to what your life was like before the BD. Did you so stuff by yourself? what about before you got married?
I was a homemaker and I had just gotten a job. To be frugal I baked, cooked from scratch, clipped coupons,etc. I hosted sleepovers and drove kids around. Evenings were spent with WAH watching mind numbing tv. I wanted a different life but WAH wasn't much fun. He worked a lot and I gave him a break because he was tired. I still love him I just didn't want to spend all my free time watching tv.
Before marriage I was a driven, ambitious person, I was in college and I set my goals on the corner office which I did eventually get. You know the whole I'll be happy when thing. It didn't make me happy and little did I know that what I needed to do is what I'm attempting to do now, be internally happy.
I'm curious as to what your life was like before the BD. Did you so stuff by yourself? what about before you got married?
I was a homemaker and I had just gotten a job. To be frugal I baked, cooked from scratch, clipped coupons,etc. I hosted sleepovers and drove kids around. Evenings were spent with WAH watching mind numbing tv. I wanted a different life but WAH wasn't much fun. He worked a lot and I gave him a break because he was tired. I still love him I just didn't want to spend all my free time watching tv.
Before marriage I was a driven, ambitious person, I was in college and I set my goals on the corner office which I did eventually get. You know the whole I'll be happy when thing. It didn't make me happy and little did I know that what I needed to do is what I'm attempting to do now, be internally happy.
I hope you keep baking. That is certain a good activity. I know I did a lot.
It sounds like you settled into an unrewarding pattern. These situations help crystalize what is important to us as humans.
What I did instead was came here, posted, read, listened, followed the advice
Check. I'm following some of the advice. Working on this.
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That's what GAL is. It's this huge, daunting task that you need to do even though you don't want to. You don't go from zero to full GAL overnight. You start with a piece, and you build on it. Don't be paralyzed by fear, pick something small and do it. Maybe it's walking around the block every evening after work. Or learning to knit, or paint. Pick something and spend some time every day doing it. Don't think about all the reasons why you can't or won't or shouldn't, just make it happen. It's that hard, and that easy.
You know me I put it all out there knowing full well I might get backlash. People here hold me accountable which is highly annoying but I appreciated being challenged. I'm a "handle with care" person though. Working on toughening up too.
7:00 wake up 7:45-5:00 work 5:00-5:30 pick up dinner 5:30-6:00 dishes and laundry 6:00-6:30 cook dinner 6:30-7:00 eat dinner. 7:00-8:00 chores, read, ipad, watch tv 8:00-8:30 S19 wants to talk before he visits WAH 8:30-9:45 D17 and I watch tv (not mindless) 9:45-10ish S19 comes home and wants to talk
He follows me to the bathroom while I brush my teeth and take my meds. Both my kids are chatty. They fight over getting my full attention. This isn't exact but you get the idea. I didn't do much of this before. We were this awful family where meals were eaten quickly, kids retreated to their rooms, WAH watched tv and we wouldn't see the kids until bedtime.
7:00-8:00 chores, read, ipad, watch tv 8:00-8:30 S19 wants to talk before he visits WAH 8:30-9:45 D17 and I watch tv (not mindless) 9:45-10ish S19 comes home and wants to talk
Isn't this kinda GAL?
I believe electronic devices are not GAL.
GAL ideas:
Go for a walk Take the dogs for a walk Build a puzzle with the kids....talk then play dominos with kids or uno Go watch live music Gardening Build a model plane Look through a telescope at the moon go have coffee with a freind take a class paint a picture setup a saltwater fish tank
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have had a few days where I stayed off my devices and kept the tv off. Those days I'd bake, clean the kitchen, something. It sounds like there is a lot of time in the evening but there isn't. D17 and S19 can talk and talk and talk. I imagine they need that right now or they are making up for lost time. I spent years checked out and depressed. I just got on a new med right after WAH left. It was like a light switch turned on whereas before I felt like I was in a fog.
At the moment I'm at the doing good to get through the day part since BD2. Just now I went to the bank and the sadness just overtook me. I have to drive by his work and they all knew he had OW. S19 told me she wears animal print glasses and the girl at the bank wears animal print glasses.
After WAH left D17 starting sharing her favorite shows with me. We'd have snacks, talk, laugh, high five each other. It became this nightly ritual and it's an hour. As I've said before tv really isn't my thing so I'm doing this for her.
I hope you keep baking. That is certain a good activity. I know I did a lot.
It sounds like you settled into an unrewarding pattern. These situations help crystalize what is important to us as humans.
Haven't baked since I found out about the OW. It's only been 3 weeks.
I played a huge part in the unrewarding pattern. I was negative as you see and depressed. He was depressed too and says I am the cause of it. Says I caused him to drink. Caused him to avoid coming home. He avoided me and I got angry. He then used my anger to justify him leaving.
I just triggered and I think he's never coming back despite the part where it is fixable. He ran away and while he got rid of me he lost a lot too. He doesn't care of course. He's already got someone and I get some peace knowing that since he didn't spend time alone to heal he will likely repeat the same pattern because he is the same guy who works all the time and watches a gazillion hours of tv.
Without introspection and healing we will both end up in the exact same place. I've dated enough men to see this in hindsight. Even when I picked polar opposites the ending didn't change. He's dated other women like me so I'm nothing new. I would pick another emotionally unavailable man or worse a clingy one. He likes anxious women because I worshiped him but then he hated it because I wouldn't leave his feet.
Should I be worried? My concern was that WAH would cut back his hours before filing. S19 says he’s still working all the time but I’m paranoid. His day job comes with tons of overtime. The last big event he worked was in September. He’s supposedly still working the 2nd job but it doesn’t pay much. S19 says he’s gone half the time which would be the big box store since it’s the holidays. The big overtime varies. Usually it’s slow this time of year. Or this could just be the OW. S19 says he’s still doing nooners but somewhere else now. He knows this because WAH has a work truck.
My gut feeling he’s not thinking about filing and doesn’t know I have. He’s caught up in buying S19s love which costs money. It’s only been 2 months and it’s unlikely he’s paid off the moving expenses yet. I thought he was clever but we’ve caught him in so many lies. When looking at his income that varies will they go back a year? How long does it take for him to get served? Is that enough time for him to cut back his hours?
If your h is still working and has the opportunity for overtime, I wouldn't be too concerned. During the holidays, I'm sure he's picking up extra hours on his second job. Second guessing what he is or isn't doing isn't going to help you. In fact, it will make you more paranoid and anxious.
It can take a while before he is served depending upon the case load. I would ask my lawyer those tow questions, I.e., when does he/she anticipate that he may be served and if it's going to be after the holidays, how will the judicial system look at your h/s situation if he cuts back his hours? In some states, they look at the "straight" pay and don't consider the overtime in the equation...that would also be something you need to ask your lawyer because overtime is not a guaranteed income each payday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I won't beat you up. You are having a natural reaction to the emotional trauma that has happened to you. To say that you need to get over it is like telling someone who was hit buy a car they need just get over it. Most people would never say that.
It takes time to heal and you will go through varying emotions during the process. It's not even been a year.
DB is about moving on which I get. It's challenging LBS's to GAL so they can heal. I get that too.
In real life people are kind, understanding, and supportive. Its different. I don't want that here so the balance works. I'm told to pick myself up up here and in real life I'm told to take care of my babies and be kind to myself. In real life I have good friends who love and support me in my time of grief. I will continue to push myself mindful of the knowledge that my life and my kids lives just blew up. Heck I'm about to have to put my former disney D17 girl on antidepressants. What the heck just happened??
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I think you will get there, but don't beat yourself up if you feel down. It's part of the process. I see some growth in your posts even if you don't see it. I just wanted to share that.
Thank you. I do appreciate the kind words. I think I'm growing too it's just at a snails pace compared to other people here likely due to the part where I struggle with negativity. I have times when I feel optimistic and positive it just doesn't last long...yet. I want to give up sometimes but I have not.
I hear that about the snails pace of growth. Its almost like our focus becomes more about winning the other person back, and even more importantly, understanding what happened with full clarity, (which could take years.) Just to become emotionally stable with the sich, ourselves, our independence, detachment, and carrying forward with our lives, one commitment, one task at a time.
I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people.
Just like everyone else after BD! I cried all the way to work, couldn't hardly get anything done at work, cried all the way home and then just wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner of my room with the door closed. That's what I WANTED to do. What I did instead was came here, posted, read, listened, followed the advice. I made myself GAL, I mean dragged myself out the door kicking and screaming. At first it was just going to the gym, I could do that with minimal fuss. Drive there, work out for an hour, drive home and be miserable some more. But then I started talking to people more and more, and adding other activities. I got back into building R/C planes and model cars. I took a painting class with my daughter. I reached out to old friends I hadn't seen in a long time and set up lunches and dinners with them. I went from hating GAL, to tolerating it, to liking it, to loving it. And at each of those steps I thought about my XW and my sitch progressively less.
I do volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity. Do you know how utterly daunting it is to build a house? To look at a weed-infested lot and say you're going to build a house on it? How in the world do you do it? One tiny piece at a time. You clear the lot. You pour the slab. You grab a piece of treated wood for your bottom plate. You mark the stud locations on it. You drill holes in it for the anchor bolts. You grab a stud and nail to it through the bottom plate. Then another stud and another, then the top plate, etc. etc. You build it one bit at a time. At first it seems impossible. But then you see progress, and you find yourself wanting to push harder. Months later, there's a complete house standing before you. Sometimes you look at it and you wonder how it happened.
That's what GAL is. It's this huge, daunting task that you need to do even though you don't want to. You don't go from zero to full GAL overnight. You start with a piece, and you build on it. Don't be paralyzed by fear, pick something small and do it. Maybe it's walking around the block every evening after work. Or learning to knit, or paint. Pick something and spend some time every day doing it. Don't think about all the reasons why you can't or won't or shouldn't, just make it happen. It's that hard, and that easy.
This is a great example and great advise how a little commitment goes a long way.
7:00-8:00 chores, read, ipad, watch tv 8:00-8:30 S19 wants to talk before he visits WAH 8:30-9:45 D17 and I watch tv (not mindless) 9:45-10ish S19 comes home and wants to talk
Isn't this kinda GAL?
I believe electronic devices are not GAL.
GAL ideas:
Go for a walk Take the dogs for a walk Build a puzzle with the kids....talk then play dominos with kids or uno Go watch live music Gardening Build a model plane Look through a telescope at the moon go have coffee with a freind take a class paint a picture setup a saltwater fish tank
^^^ Does anyone see a pattern here in comparison of 21st century living vs. 20th century living in fruitfullness, rewardfulness and and productivity?
I hope you keep baking. That is certain a good activity. I know I did a lot.
It sounds like you settled into an unrewarding pattern. These situations help crystalize what is important to us as humans.
Haven't baked since I found out about the OW. It's only been 3 weeks.
I played a huge part in the unrewarding pattern. I was negative as you see and depressed. He was depressed too and says I am the cause of it. Says I caused him to drink. Caused him to avoid coming home. He avoided me and I got angry. He then used my anger to justify him leaving.
I just triggered and I think he's never coming back despite the part where it is fixable. He ran away and while he got rid of me he lost a lot too. He doesn't care of course. He's already got someone and I get some peace knowing that since he didn't spend time alone to heal he will likely repeat the same pattern because he is the same guy who works all the time and watches a gazillion hours of tv.
Without introspection and healing we will both end up in the exact same place. I've dated enough men to see this in hindsight. Even when I picked polar opposites the ending didn't change. He's dated other women like me so I'm nothing new. I would pick another emotionally unavailable man or worse a clingy one. He likes anxious women because I worshiped him but then he hated it because I wouldn't leave his feet.
^^^ This is a great introspective lesson that everyone here should take heed and come to terms with. About being whole first.
Oh I just thought baking might be good activity. It can be inexpensive, something to do with your kids and something you've done before. It also doesn't require interaction with anyone you don't want or requires you to leave the house. LOL.
It can take a while before he is served depending upon the case load. I would ask my lawyer those tow questions, I.e., when does he/she anticipate that he may be served and if it's going to be after the holidays, how will the judicial system look at your h/s situation if he cuts back his hours? In some states, they look at the "straight" pay and don't consider the overtime in the equation...that would also be something you need to ask your lawyer because overtime is not a guaranteed income each payday.
His overtime is technically part of his base pay because he can't get out of it or at least he couldn't before the promotion. He's been rolling in cash for the least year and didn't count on me finding out about it.
I called court from my work phone so they could see I too work in a court . Got a really nice person and she said my complaint was filed on Nov 18th but a summons has not been issued yet. She said my attorney is good/nice and if she saw her she'd ask for me. I hate that because I don't like to bother people although the attorneys (the regulars) we work with are nice.
I knew WAH hadn't been served because he's spending like he isn't about to get hit with attorney fees, higher CS and alimony.
I hear that about the snails pace of growth. Its almost like our focus becomes more about winning the other person back, and even more importantly, understanding what happened with full clarity, (which could take years.) Just to become emotionally stable with the sich, ourselves, our independence, detachment, and carrying forward with our lives, one commitment, one task at a time.
I am grateful that I knew my M was over when I did (7 months). Yes it's a huge, major setback but I'm looking at it now like ripping the band aid off. Now I can move on to the rest of this. I'd be happy if I could just function. This stinks.
^^^ This is a great introspective lesson that everyone here should take heed and come to terms with. About being whole first.
I knew I had a problem but I took the easy way out by blaming everyone else. I thought if I just picked a better man life would be grand and I'd be happy. I went from a guy who hit me to WAH. Thought my life would be rainbows and sunshine with a "nice guy". WAH was the perfect boyfriend, everyone liked him, I was head over heels in love and he seemed like a great catch so imagine my surprise when it all went south in less than a year and we weren't even married yet.
In hindsight the guy who hit me was also an avoidant. His life was all about work and partying with his friends. I came in last. See the pattern? We'd get in these fights and he'd shove me into the wall to get me to back off then he'd leave. This went on for 1-2 years. I was so messed up I probably would have stayed but the fights escalated and for the record this guy didn't like me much either. Avoidants want to do what they want to regardless of what their partner wants. They pretend to care but it never sticks before they go right back to the status quo.
Rough weekend. Friday night I messed up a recipe and D17, already an emotional wreck, took it out on me and S19. She went to her room and I didn't see her until noon the next day. She spent the night with a friend and now is going over to WAH's because our dog has cancer.
S19 took me out for a ride in his car and WAH drove by. I ducked down but he knew anyway. Asked S19 what I thought of the car. I was down so I didn't pull it together to cook so S19 and I went out to eat. He said it was eh and I thought it was wonderful. He said I needed to eat more. True.
Down again today, S19 told me I needed to shower and cook dinner (I did). Start to feel better when I find out my estranged sister is calling WAH. ***@%^%#$$# I hate her. In a moment of weakness I reached out to my toxic family and now he knows.
D14 went to a party Sat night but WAH is working so she asked if I could pick her up. On my way out I fell on my bad elbow, scraped myself (ouch) and broke my phone. I need a lot of sleep but WAH didn't pick her up until after midnight.
What went well is me still having my kids full time. Rumor has it he's busy every night working and D14 is being neglected. She naps while he's gone, eats dinner at 9-10pm, and does homework until 11pm. Said her grades have dropped but she is working to pull them up.
You are focused entirely too much on what you WAH is doing? If the D is finalized, do you anticipate focusing on his every move for the rest of your life?
Why duck down? Who cares? That I don't get. I don't get the dynamic where you go out for a ride with your son and you see your WAH? Did you tell him to go by his house? is it a smaller town? Did your son just drive where WAH might be?
I feel like you are still riding the roller coaster. Roller coaster can be fun but to be on one all the time is a nightmare and exhausting. No wonder you are tired and worn down.
What can you do to get off it...for a day, an hour or a week?
kas99 do you have any set fun things you do with all 3 of your children that you look forward too? My daughter and I have movie night every other week on Friday at a friend's house. All of us look forward to it and I have even found that my mind takes a break from thinking about XW. You need to find something to do so your mind can rest and not think of WAH all the time. I know it isn't easy.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Kas - that's OK. This is (well it was, I am not sure know after reading DV's thread) a safe place to vent. We all have those weekends where nothing seems to go right. Try and focus on the things that did go right (you sent time with S19 in his car, you got to spend time with D14) or reframe the things that did not go so well so that a) they do not loom so large in your mind, or make them ridiculous, like your watching a sitcom in your head and it is happening to someone else. Change the narrative.
I do see the glimpses of the love your children have for you, particularly S19. Hold on to that.
Originally Posted by Kas99
... I messed up a recipe and D17, already an emotional wreck, took it out on me and S19. She went to her room and I didn't see her until noon the next day.
Girls are a funny lot during their teenage years. Emotional sensitive and ready to turn on a dime. Everything is drama. Everything is "I hate [this]" (and you can pretty much substitute any noun for the word "this" - what you've cooked for dinner, a movie, a book, a restaurant ... anything at all). D13 declared recently she was going to reduce her meat intake - she watched a plant based diet documentary with her dad (who is a fitness nut) - and they have both been spouting the benefits of not eating any animal based products. She was also going to try and avoid glutton. She asked me to order pizza for dinner, and, thinking she was still a glutton free vegetarian, I ordered glutton free vegetarian pizza. When it arrived, she opened the box, said "you got the thin crust, I hate the thin crust and you got the wrong toppings" and stormed up to her room, refusing to eat. Everything is the end of the world. I know it's tough, but consistency is the key here.
To be fair to D13, the pizza was horrible.
Originally Posted by Kas99
Start to feel better when I find out my estranged sister is calling WAH. ***@%^%#$$# I hate her. In a moment of weakness I reached out to my toxic family and now he knows.
Don't worry - we've all done this. We need to feel connected to people and sometimes we turn to the wrong people. It is not weakness, it is human. Forgive yourself, forgive her, but just don't do it again. If you need to vent, do it here, do it with your IC. We/they don't have an agenda.
You are focused entirely too much on what you WAH is doing? If the D is finalized, do you anticipate focusing on his every move for the rest of your life?
I put my thoughts here for help and to get them out of my head. As I type I realize how ridiculous I'm being.
Bad thoughts: I feel like he won. He got to keep his money and he doesn't have to be alone. Buys the kids love and even has more food than me. Is systematically trying to take my kids away.
Reality: I filed for D which means I will get temporary support soon. I don't have to buy the kids love. He did buy D14 though. Yes he has OW which I think will be easier to stomach if I get a good settlement.
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Why duck down? Who cares? That I don't get. I don't get the dynamic where you go out for a ride with your son and you see your WAH? Did you tell him to go by his house? is it a smaller town? Did your son just drive where WAH might be?
Avoiding him like the plague is for me. He didn't see me he just knew S19 had shown me the car. WAH moved 2 minutes away and he drives by my house often (annoying). S19 thought he was at work but he wasn't.
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I feel like you are still riding the roller coaster. Roller coaster can be fun but to be on one all the time is a nightmare and exhausting. No wonder you are tired and worn down.
What can you do to get off it...for a day, an hour or a week?
I'm okay at home especially if I make a point to cook dinner. Dinner = time with my kids and less guilt.
Kas - that's OK. This is (well it was, I am not sure know after reading DV's thread) a safe place to vent. Try and focus on the things that did go right (you sent time with S19 in his car, you got to spend time with D14) or reframe the things that did not go so well so that a) they do not loom so large in your mind, or make them ridiculous, like your watching a sitcom in your head and it is happening to someone else. Change the narrative.
I do see the glimpses of the love your children have for you, particularly S19. Hold on to that.
DV's thread? Nevermind I may not want to know.
Both S19 and D17 love me a lot. I've just been talking about S19 more lately. D14 chased the money but I'm seeing glimpses that she misses me. It's only been 2 months though.
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Girls are a funny lot during their teenage years. Emotional sensitive and ready to turn on a dime. Everything is drama.
To be fair to D13, the pizza was horrible.
D17 wasn't like this before because she didn't feel safe enough to express her feelings to me. Honestly now all 3 feel safe enough to tell me anything. It's a double edged sword. On the one hand it shows growth on my end and on the other hand sometimes I feel ganged up on.
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Don't worry - we've all done this. We need to feel connected to people and sometimes we turn to the wrong people. It is not weakness, it is human. Forgive yourself, forgive her, but just don't do it again. If you need to vent, do it here, do it with your IC. We/they don't have an agenda.
I reached out to my mother after being estranged for 20 years. We chatted for 3 days via email before I realized she hadn't changed and that seeing her would only make me feel worse. Haven't spoken to my sister in 6-7 years and yeah....no. My ego took a hit because it showed WAH that I was weak.
kas99 do you have any set fun things you do with all 3 of your children that you look forward too? My daughter and I have movie night every other week on Friday at a friend's house. All of us look forward to it and I have even found that my mind takes a break from thinking about XW. You need to find something to do so your mind can rest and not think of WAH all the time. I know it isn't easy.
I look forward to D17 and I watching her favorite show every evening but that's it. I'm mostly still shell shocked from BD2 (it's been a month). Before when all 3 kids were living with me we had plenty of fun. I've tried to get that back but my support group leader says I can't. Just splitting our kids up has left this hole. Everything has changed and I'm struggling to adjust to my new reality.
I want to ask my question again. Do you anticipate have a focus on WAH after the divorce? Will you go to extraordinary lengths to avoid him? I get it's tough with living so close, but you can't avoid him forever.
About your kids. I will say this. My parents divorced and my dad left. My mother was probably like you. And my dad did some shady stuff with the support. She never remarried, she didn't even date (we encouraged her) but I don't know the real reason. However, to this day all of us kids see what she did for us after the divorce. We see my dad for who he was. He tried to buy us nice gifts and cars, etc. He lived in a much nicer and bigger house. We lived in a small apartment for 10 years. He went on trips and lived quite a life. But it never shifted our opinion. I think for a lot of years my mom thought that he got a better life after the divorce. But now I don't think she'd say that.We all basically have little to no contact with him. He's missed out on his grandkids and celebrating all our achievements and lives. His relationship with the OW (yeah he married her and had 2 more kids) isn't great. Full disclosure: his kids from that marriage are a mess - drugs, jail, etc.
Before when all 3 kids were living with me we had plenty of fun. I've tried to get that back but my support group leader says I can't.
Hey Kas, can you clarify the above? It sounds like your support leader is telling you that you can't have "plenty of fun" anymore but I'm sure I'm just misunderstanding. Can I ask what the fun activities were that you were engaging in with the kids before? And what is preventing you from doing them again?
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Just splitting our kids up has left this hole. Everything has changed and I'm struggling to adjust to my new reality.
It takes a while, you'll get there. It's been a while since you were BD'd, but the move kind of threw your life into turmoil all over again, and waiting for your H to be served is no doubt hanging over you like a dark cloud. It'll all settle down soon and you'll start getting used to your "new normal". I never thought I would adjust, for quite a while everything seemed so bleak. I resolved to live on for my kids, but didn't think I'd ever have much quality of life again. But with time everything got much better. My IC kept using that "new normal" phrase all the time and it really rubbed me the wrong way. But now I look back and see exactly what she meant. It's human nature to cling to status quo, most of us just don't like change. But once the changes become our new normal, then we learn to get comfortable with them.
Hey Kas, can you clarify the above? It sounds like your support leader is telling you that you can't have "plenty of fun" anymore but I'm sure I'm just misunderstanding. Can I ask what the fun activities were that you were engaging in with the kids before? And what is preventing you from doing them again?
We all lived in this bubble, this artificial unreality and none of it was real. It's not unlike the "fun" of an affair. We were in this nice house, all the kids there, the pets, we had money, nothing changed except WAH wasn't there. He worked all the time anyway so the kids adjusted quickly to his absence. My support leader said this doesn't exist anymore and now I must adjust to reality.
We played video games (D14 isn't there anymore). We watched stupid you tube videos and laughed (D14 isn't there anymore). S19 helped with homework (D14 isn't there anymore). I'd hang out upstairs while the girls played (D14 isn't there anymore).
WAH selfishly bribed D14 for her loyalty. I know it's hard for people to understand why and how he got away with this but he did. It's been 2 months and he's losing ground with her but for now she stands by him.
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It takes a while, you'll get there. It's been a while since you were BD'd, but the move kind of threw your life into turmoil all over again, and waiting for your H to be served is no doubt hanging over you like a dark cloud. It'll all settle down soon and you'll start getting used to your "new normal". I never thought I would adjust, for quite a while everything seemed so bleak. I resolved to live on for my kids, but didn't think I'd ever have much quality of life again. But with time everything got much better. My IC kept using that "new normal" phrase all the time and it really rubbed me the wrong way. But now I look back and see exactly what she meant. It's human nature to cling to status quo, most of us just don't like change. But once the changes become our new normal, then we learn to get comfortable with them.
Had to quote this whole thing because yes to all of it. Turmoil, bleak, new normal, quality of life gone, clinging to status quo, yes I'm there. I'm okay with him getting served what I'm dreading is having to go to court. If it were just a D we could communicate through our attorneys and never see each other. People here tell me a support hearing isn't bad that my attorney will do most of the talking while I stand there but still it's a dark cloud for sure. I will be asked if he's having an affair which means I threw down the gauntlet, challenging him to an ugly divorce which I didn't want but in my fault state he left me no other choice. I hate this.
I keep trying to predict how he will react to the adultery charge. I have the element of surprise since he has no idea I know and even if I didn't he thinks he's in full control of this situation. He's making good money with the 2nd job and the promotion but he's also got a lot of expenses from the move. His spending appears to have slowed down but it hasn't stopped and he's made a few snarky comments to S19 and D14 about money. He told the kids he'd have more money once he wasn't paying my bills so he's still optimistic about his future. Told S19 once he paid everything off he'd quit his 2nd job. Also told S19 that it could take a while.
So will he spend thousands of dollars to fight me? Or will the part where he's distracted with work, the OW, the drinking and the kids work to my benefit?
There is no way to predict what he's going to do at this point in time. Try not to borrow trouble before it happens. Prepare yourself for the worse and hope for the best. You are allowing this man entirely too much head space that he isn't even paying to rent. You are giving him too much power in your brain.
One other thing, that stuff he's telling the kids may be just something he wants to get back to you. He knows that the kids will tell you what he's said or done. I would take what he's told them w/a grain of salt at this time.
Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One other thing, that stuff he's telling the kids may be just something he wants to get back to you. He knows that the kids will tell you what he's said or done.
It was either AS or CW who told me to sit back and let my attorney handle it. I'm so scared though. I have no reason to because my attorney is good and having grounds benefits me where I live.
Yes I am leaning towards it's HIGHLY possible he is lying to the kids to get me to feel sorry for him since it's a tactic that has worked on me before. It would still be working had I not found out about the OW. Yes I was going to have to file but she just made me do it sooner and this killed any empathy I had for WAH. Now I see him as a lying cheater who has no qualms giving me just enough money to keep me off the streets. Jerk.
Posting here helps and I appreciate everyone here who is sticking with me while I continue to make myself crazy. I swear I am getting better I just can't yet make it stick and it's so slow.
Focus on the kids. They are who matter most. I must keep it together for them. Sigh. I will keep fighting.
Please don't give up on me. I'm scared, worried, feel powerless, hopeless, it's hard to believe that this will end. I'll feel good one minute then depressed another, then I'm crying, back to good, etc. I look at my kids and I'm grateful. My coworkers love me and I am grateful. Then I get swallowed again by negative thoughts. I have so many doubts. My paranoia gets me. I think people here are just writing positive things to convince themselves as well as people like me. And yet it's only been 8 months. I'm light years away from where I thought I'd be at 8 months out. Yes I think this despite how crappy I feel.
You aren't alone, KAS. And I don't think anyone here will give up on you. We are family here.
I think the way you feel describes me as well. Anxiety, depression, followed by bursts of feeling ok. It just takes as long as it takes. You can do this, it will get better.
I lurk on a divorced dads forum (no women allowed). I like it because they focus solely on D strategy after the BD. They say pull it together for your kids (be the lighthouse) while the WAS chases rainbows and unicorns. Kids come first. Always. They say prepare for war because some WAS's lie. "I'll take care of you" while socking away cash from a promotion they didn't tell you about. "I need time" while dating. Focus on building a solid D case - fall apart later. They say no distractions, no drinking, no dating. Keep a clear head because my life and my kids lives depend on it.
He paid off D17s hospital bill. He’s on a roll but I filed first so it doesn’t matter. Oh and he accused me of upgrading my phone. D14 said “unless she did it in the past 3 days she has the same phone”. I have an Android on standby because I’m going to ditch my pricey iPhone once he cuts me off. It’s a 6s so it’s on its last leg anyway. Republic wireless $30 a month. All I need is text, phone and Waze. Lol
S19 hates D14. I get it because I don't like her either. Please no bashing I already feel like crap because just now....I mean just now this very minute figured out what's wrong.
I have a favorite kid. Crap this is hard to say out loud and I swear I didn't know. Wouldn't know it now had D17 not been on my case about it. Was texting D14 just now and it clicked.
Okay so how do I fix this? I love D14 I've just catered to S19 and allowed him to run the show. D14 doesn't live here so S19 is happy as a clam. How do I get her back....and deal with S19? I have NO idea how to fix this.
Be kind. Just help me get D14 back before it's too late.
I don’t know how to juggle D16, D14 and an aspergers S19. They all want and need my full attention right now but I’m one person with only so many hours in s day. When WAH first left I stayed up every night until midnight making sure each kid got one on one time. It was summer and I couldn’t sleep anyway. What do I do now??
Why do you think they need "one on one" time as opposed to "family time"? Why not try to build some good memories with all of the kids together (or at least a couple of them) ad opposed to just one on one? Would save you some more time for yourself, too.
Get up a family card game or board game (or Xbox, whatever) and have a mix tape playing with music you know everyone likes (or invite one or more to bring the music, or take turns)... Have fun snacks like popcorn or m&Ms available.
My S20 has Tourettes, which like Asperger's is considered by many docs to be on the high functioning end of the autism vspectrum, and shares some of the characteristics, and he always did better in group settings with his brother than he did one on one with us.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
HJ is right, some of the best times the kids and I have are playing board games singing along with Pandora or making popcorn and watching movies. Especially in the winter. Costs nothing and they love it.
There's no judgement here Kas. We are all different stages of getting through this.
I don't think that you love one child more than the other. D10 is much easier to love than D13. I love them both the same though. When D13 looks at me with utter hatred, or worse, disappointment. I have wanted to shout "go live with your dad". We are human - not robots that can take untold amounts of sh!t and still come out looking like some sort of all knowing buddha. Forgive yourself. Tomorrow is another day. A chance to wipe the slate clean and reset your intentions.
You said before that your children feel safe talking to you but that it is a double edged sword and you feel like you are being ganged up on. What is it they say that makes you feel ganged up on? Are you strong enough to separate the feeling of being attacked and focus instead on what they are saying and not necessarily how they are saying it?
This is why D14 isn’t living with you. A child can feel this. Her mother doesn’t like her, her brother hates her, and mom pretty much supports this.
I’m glad you want to change this. I don’t even think it’s that you don’t like your D14. I think you are very jealous of her.
It destroyed me as a kid when I felt my mother was resentful of me.
Kas, there is nothing more important in this world than your mental health and your kids mental health.
Right now, I can’t think of any better way to spend your money than on copays for counseling.
This is beyond what some strangers on the internet can offer you. You and your family needs this almost as much as food. I say this with the utmost concern and worry, and with the least judgement.
Get your you and your family the help you all deserve and I imagine that life will be infinitely brighter
You always focus on the negative. Why don’t you list and emphasize the qualities you like about your D14?
Then turn the qualities you say you don’t like into positives.
Instead of D14 gets everything she wants because she’s gorgeous and he knows it”
How about
“Wow, D14 is beautiful. She exudes confidence! I am glad she doesn’t have a negative body image. I’m glad she can remain kind to others and her gifts have not stopped that”
One thing that she does that I don’t like is I don’t see her unless she wants something.. She says all the right things but then poof she’s gone. I don’t know if it’s me or her. I suspect me of course. D17 has a friend with divorced parents. Doesn’t like her dad so only goes there when she wants something. This is me isn’t it?
I feel like if I reach out to her I lose S19. S19 won’t be in the same room with her.
Why do you think they need "one on one" time as opposed to "family time"?
This is embarrassing but I was so codependent/needy that I put WAH first. I put him first because I needed him to fix me. I never stood on my own two feet. He worked all the time and I neglected the kids. The reason they need one on one time is because they are operating from empty emotional tanks. Not only was I not there but WAH wasn't there either and now he's gone.
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Set up a family card game or board game (or Xbox, whatever) and have a mix tape playing with music you know everyone likes (or invite one or more to bring the music, or take turns)... Have fun snacks like popcorn or m&Ms available.
The girls will play the wii or a board game with me. Before we moved I'd gotten S19 to participate more but now I'm back to square one. He's upset and resents D14 for "getting everything". I think I can fix this but not unless I get more support.
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My S20 has Tourettes, which like Asperger's is considered by many docs to be on the high functioning end of the autism vspectrum, and shares some of the characteristics, and he always did better in group settings with his brother than he did one on one with us.
S19 was a hermit but now shockingly enough he is spending more time with me and sometimes D17.
HJ is right, some of the best times the kids and I have are playing board games singing along with Pandora or making popcorn and watching movies. Especially in the winter. Costs nothing and they love it.
We never did this much. WAH worked all the time and was about as fun as watching paint dry. He'd be sullen and irritated so I gave up with the kids. Focused all my attention on making him happy (these are new revelations).
As a side note I get it in my head that he's happy now. Was he ever happy? Am I the reason he wasn't? I think he's an avoidant and if I'm right he's fine until a woman puts any sort of demand on him yet is upset if her attention is elsewhere. This means he isn't happy now either or if he is it will be short lived. There isn't a way for me or anyone else to make him happy is there?
One thing that she does that I don’t like is I don’t see her unless she wants something.. She says all the right things but then poof she’s gone. I don’t know if it’s me or her. I suspect me of course. D17 has a friend with divorced parents. Doesn’t like her dad so only goes there when she wants something. This is me isn’t it?
I feel like if I reach out to her I lose S19. S19 won’t be in the same room with her.
Yep, she is a typical 14 year-old. My 16 year-old started doing this at 14....and still does it now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You said before that your children feel safe talking to you but that it is a double edged sword and you feel like you are being ganged up on. What is it they say that makes you feel ganged up on? Are you strong enough to separate the feeling of being attacked and focus instead on what they are saying and not necessarily how they are saying it?
The reason I feel bad is because I haven't yet been able to fix it. It's not like I hear it once and voila all better. I'm favoring one kid over the others. I still want to favor him because he's special needs. D17 and D14 said they are fine with this as long as they get the same special treatment. Sounds easy but it's not. It's an old habit and now D17 is going after S19. I keep telling her (and him) this is all me but crap this is a mess. S19 is starting to feel bad too. I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know what that looks like.
Kas, why does S17 say he hates D14? On the one hand this might just be a "teens being teens" thing, but on the other hand I have had personal experience with some bad people who started out as bad kids. They were liars and manipulators even at an early age. One was a step-sister that thankfully didn't move into my dad's house until I was in college, but wow the stories. I used to go into work on Monday morning and people would gather around to hear the latest "Amber stories". She was a real piece of work. Stole everything she could lay her hands on, was a master manipulator and a liar's liar. Even in her early teens used sexuality to persuade people (especially men). I used to tell people "you know how you hear people talking about good kids going bad because they run with the wrong crowd? Well Amber is the wrong crowd." She was evil as far back as I remember. Stole her mom's car at 13, wrecked it, walked home and put the keys back on the dresser and convinced everyone she had no clue what had happened. Stole her grandmother's wedding rings and kept yelling "I swear to God I didn't take them!!!" as her mom went through her things (and found them). Eventually started shooting up heroin and then the serious crimes began. I have a thousand stories.
Anyway I am not suggesting your D is anything like Amber, but my point is your S may have some valid reasons. I've seen enough Ambers in my life that when someone says that one kid in their family hates another it's a red flag to me that they should dig deeper into that to make sure there aren't some serious issues causing the rift. How many stories have you read of a kid OD'ing and the parents "had no idea". Don't assume anything.
Please don't give up on me. I'm scared, worried, feel powerless, hopeless, it's hard to believe that this will end. I'll feel good one minute then depressed another, then I'm crying, back to good, etc. I look at my kids and I'm grateful. My coworkers love me and I am grateful. Then I get swallowed again by negative thoughts. I have so many doubts. My paranoia gets me. I think people here are just writing positive things to convince themselves as well as people like me. And yet it's only been 8 months. I'm light years away from where I thought I'd be at 8 months out. Yes I think this despite how crappy I feel.
What are the negative thoughts? My suggestion break them down and you will see how silly they are.
take for example if you feel like this "I will always be alone while he has OM"
First, it's not true. You have your kids, and your co-workers. you have the ability to make friends. Even though you aren't ready, you yourself said that you were a catch for any man. When/if you kids have kids (I know, you don't want to think about it) you will be a part of that as well. You will never be alone unless you get deserted on a island.
And that "thing" he has with his OM is probably far from perfect. It was started on deceit and it could fizzle out.
Please don't give up on me. I'm scared, worried, feel powerless, hopeless, it's hard to believe that this will end. I'll feel good one minute then depressed another, then I'm crying, back to good, etc. I look at my kids and I'm grateful. My coworkers love me and I am grateful. Then I get swallowed again by negative thoughts. I have so many doubts. My paranoia gets me. I think people here are just writing positive things to convince themselves as well as people like me. And yet it's only been 8 months. I'm light years away from where I thought I'd be at 8 months out. Yes I think this despite how crappy I feel.
What are the negative thoughts? My suggestion break them down and you will see how silly they are.
take for example if you feel like this "I will always be alone while he has OM"
First, it's not true. You have your kids, and your co-workers. you have the ability to make friends. Even though you aren't ready, you yourself said that you were a catch for any man. When/if you kids have kids (I know, you don't want to think about it) you will be a part of that as well. You will never be alone unless you get deserted on a island.
And that "thing" he has with his OM is probably far from perfect. It was started on deceit and it could fizzle out.
Mario is right. The chance of his new R having long-term success is closer to 0% than 1%.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/17/1903:23 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You always focus on the negative. Why don’t you list and emphasize the qualities you like about your D14?
"Wow, D14 is beautiful. She exudes confidence! I am glad she doesn’t have a negative body image. I’m glad she can remain kind to others and her gifts have not stopped that”
She talks about wanting to be a model but she doesn't exude confidence. She looks the part of a popular cheerleader but she's not popular. Those girls are mean to her but she wants to be included. She's in this weird place where normal girls are threatened by her but she's a 5th wheel with the popular girls. I worry about her because she's going down my path of getting attention from boys.
Need to get some work done but I'm going to have to think on her positive qualities because you're right for I've done nothing but focus on her negatives.
Mario is right. The chance of his new R having long-term success is closer to 0% than 1%.
He's the type to marry the first attractive girl who gives him attention so that upsets me. I think she gets my life and he will be happier with her. Of course I'm being ridiculous because he still won't be happy. Happiness cannot be found in other people. Even I get that now even though I don't like it. Learning to make myself happy isn't easy or fun. I'd much rather think he or OM could make me all better.
The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. lol
It is so, so, and laudable that you want to make up for the neglect that your children previously suffered. Children do need to know that their parents love them. however, I disagree with your thesis as to why they necessarily need individual is opposed to group attention. Your goal should be to create good, happy, memories with them, and you can do that just as easily with them as a group, and, as a bonus, you're giving attention to multiple children at the same time. When you group them together, you by definition have more time with all of them. Also, by doing things as a group, you avoid the trap of either you, OR any of them, worrying that someone got more attention or love than the other one. If no one gets left out, then no one gets left out. Attention is attention. While yes, at times it is nice to get one on one with the children, it is important to remember that you are a FAMILY and NOT merely a conglomeration of one-on-one relationships. Family that plays together stays together. Ask yourself if it is the actual primary "need" in this case that your children receive individual attention, or is it your guilt and shame and low self-esteem talking?
Convene a family night, got them together, do something fun. And don't take no for an answer, even from S19. If he is being difficult, you need to take the lead as his parent and facilitate he and your daughter figuring things out. Requiring them both to come to a fun family night might be a good start. Make some topics off-limits at the beginning, if you have to, but get them together and be the PARENT. They're your children, and they look up to you, even though they are growing up. Set the tone, especially if your husband is doing a crappy job of it.
And take gingers advice and get some professional help, for you and for your family. it [censored] that mental health services are so poorly covered by health plans, trust me, I know, but You really can't afford not to. And ultimately, hopefully you can stick your husband with some (or all) of the bill
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/17/1904:11 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Ask yourself if it is the actual primary "need" in this case that your children receive individual attention, or is it your guilt and shame and low self-esteem talking?
I'm letting push me around due to guilt. I see it I don't know how to stop it. I'm so codependent I'm afraid of losing them, of being alone, I feel tremendous guilt and shame over what I've done, I'm afraid if I say no then WAH will use this against me to take them from me.
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Convene a family night, got them together, do something fun. And don't take no for an answer, even from S19. If he is being difficult, you need to take the lead as his parent and facilitate he and your daughter figuring things out. Requiring them both to come to a fun family night might be a good start.
This week D14 wants to come over for dinner and I'm dreading it because of D17 and S19. They are used to getting their way (last 8 months) and I'm afraid of the backlash. I am becoming aware of this.
WAH can't be alone either so he tries to buy the kids love. I think he tries to have an actual R with them but without the space to figure this out his focus is more self serving. I do not live in a glass house. My kids tell me early on they knew I was faking it. That it was all about me not them. They say over time it evolved into something real. Lots of work to do yes but I am making progress.
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And take gingers advice and get some professional help, for you and for your family. it [censored] that mental health services are so poorly covered by health plans, trust me, I know, but You really can't afford not to. And ultimately, hopefully you can stick your husband with some (or all) of the bill
I have a question about money. Cutting everything off I have $200 left at the end of the month and I make too much money for food stamps.
I've saved up $7,500 in cash for legal fees plus paid a 2k retainer. The only thing we have to settle is alimony but I'm expecting an ugly divorce. I have filed for D and should get a support hearing in Jan/Feb. I will get at least $500 more a month.
You want me to spend money on counseling but the only way for me to do that is to touch savings. Take the risk or do what I want to do which is ride this out for another 2 months.
S19 hates D14. I get it because I don't like her either. Please no bashing I already feel like crap because just now....I mean just now this very minute figured out what's wrong.
From all the learning, I did, this phrase stands out:
"Love the person, hate the behavior"
With my children, I validated the way they felt.
Child"I hate you dad!!!" ME:"I know (Pause) I still love you. Let's continue this discussion after you have had a chance to calmed down. "
Validation, boundaries, rewarding responsible behavior. Restricting irresponsible behavior. Parenting is not easy.
There is still friction between my kids (S19 and D17), but I have not hear the "I hate my sister" words for several years.
Look up "the 5 whys". It will help you get to the root of the deeper issue with your relationship with your child.
"The people are not the issue, it is the way they are interacting" Change the way you interact to fix the relationship.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm concerned with the advice being given here without any professional guidance. Kas. I wonder if there a way/place/etc that could help sort this out from a social worker or other family services. I don't know if you might have any connections with your job.
I'm concerned with the advice being given here without any professional guidance.
Professional guidance is important.
These forums are for brainstorming ideas that fall in line with MWD DBing methods. Each poster needs to take in all the ideas, and if they have professionals involved, discuss them, and make choices.
I have had family therapists set up in the past. SD is seeing and IC right now. Last week D17 ask if I could setup IC for her.
Originally Posted by kas99
You want me to spend money on counseling but the only way for me to do that is to touch savings. Take the risk or do what I want to do which is ride this out for another 2 months.
KAS, if you are not in IC, do that first. You put your oxygen mask on before helping others. Then you help the children get theirs on. Do not wait.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm concerned with the advice being given here without any professional guidance. Kas. I wonder if there a way/place/etc that could help sort this out from a social worker or other family services. I don't know if you might have any connections with your job.
I swear I'm not as messed up as I come across here. DB got me looking at my life from all angles. The fallout from my M affected everyone not just me. Some of ya'll had WAS's who still cared about their kids. Mine walked out leaving me a single parent for 6 months. These problems were all there before they just got magnified 1,000x after BD to the point where I could see them clearly. Take away all the distractions of complacency and all that's left is exposed.
We have evolved as a family and have gotten stroger but there are growing pains still.
These forums are for brainstorming ideas that fall in line with MWD DBing methods. Each poster needs to take in all the ideas, and if they have professionals involved, discuss them, and make choices.
Thank you!! I am DB'ing. DB'ing is about taking this opportunity to grow exponentially. Without pain most people aren't all that motivated to change. I've grown so much (albeit slowly) in 8 months. I'm excited though about getting D14 back. I will fix this I want to take care of her. I think WAH likes the idea of being a good parent but he doesn't want to give anything up. He was like this before I just never noticed it.
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KAS, if you are not in IC, do that first. You put your oxygen mask on before helping others. Then you help the children get theirs on. Do not wait.
So take the risk? Get into IC with confidence that I'll get more support in Jan/Feb?
Ok so I'm kinda messed up but it's in degrees now I think. My dr used to say if I take care of my kids, hold down a job, do adult things like pay my bills, eat, etc. then she considers me doing great. lol I've gone way past that and even more since WAH left. I surprise myself these days at how well considering my H of 28 years just left me for OW.
Ok so I'm kinda messed up but it's in degrees now I think.
We are all messed up. Not knowing we are messed up is the problem. When we know we are messed up, or how, then we can work on ourselves to address the issues.
My lady helps point out "my issues". As long as I am "listening" to her, I can make changes as needed. Same with other people in my life. my Kids, boss, friends, etc.
Taking each day as it comes, doing your best, making positive changes is all we can do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Last edited by job; 12/17/1911:28 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
