I hope you keep baking. That is certain a good activity. I know I did a lot.
It sounds like you settled into an unrewarding pattern. These situations help crystalize what is important to us as humans.
Haven't baked since I found out about the OW. It's only been 3 weeks.
I played a huge part in the unrewarding pattern. I was negative as you see and depressed. He was depressed too and says I am the cause of it. Says I caused him to drink. Caused him to avoid coming home. He avoided me and I got angry. He then used my anger to justify him leaving.
I just triggered and I think he's never coming back despite the part where it is fixable. He ran away and while he got rid of me he lost a lot too. He doesn't care of course. He's already got someone and I get some peace knowing that since he didn't spend time alone to heal he will likely repeat the same pattern because he is the same guy who works all the time and watches a gazillion hours of tv.
Without introspection and healing we will both end up in the exact same place. I've dated enough men to see this in hindsight. Even when I picked polar opposites the ending didn't change. He's dated other women like me so I'm nothing new. I would pick another emotionally unavailable man or worse a clingy one. He likes anxious women because I worshiped him but then he hated it because I wouldn't leave his feet.
^^^ This is a great introspective lesson that everyone here should take heed and come to terms with. About being whole first.
Oh I just thought baking might be good activity. It can be inexpensive, something to do with your kids and something you've done before. It also doesn't require interaction with anyone you don't want or requires you to leave the house. LOL.
It can take a while before he is served depending upon the case load. I would ask my lawyer those tow questions, I.e., when does he/she anticipate that he may be served and if it's going to be after the holidays, how will the judicial system look at your h/s situation if he cuts back his hours? In some states, they look at the "straight" pay and don't consider the overtime in the equation...that would also be something you need to ask your lawyer because overtime is not a guaranteed income each payday.
His overtime is technically part of his base pay because he can't get out of it or at least he couldn't before the promotion. He's been rolling in cash for the least year and didn't count on me finding out about it.
I called court from my work phone so they could see I too work in a court . Got a really nice person and she said my complaint was filed on Nov 18th but a summons has not been issued yet. She said my attorney is good/nice and if she saw her she'd ask for me. I hate that because I don't like to bother people although the attorneys (the regulars) we work with are nice.
I knew WAH hadn't been served because he's spending like he isn't about to get hit with attorney fees, higher CS and alimony.
I hear that about the snails pace of growth. Its almost like our focus becomes more about winning the other person back, and even more importantly, understanding what happened with full clarity, (which could take years.) Just to become emotionally stable with the sich, ourselves, our independence, detachment, and carrying forward with our lives, one commitment, one task at a time.
I am grateful that I knew my M was over when I did (7 months). Yes it's a huge, major setback but I'm looking at it now like ripping the band aid off. Now I can move on to the rest of this. I'd be happy if I could just function. This stinks.
^^^ This is a great introspective lesson that everyone here should take heed and come to terms with. About being whole first.
I knew I had a problem but I took the easy way out by blaming everyone else. I thought if I just picked a better man life would be grand and I'd be happy. I went from a guy who hit me to WAH. Thought my life would be rainbows and sunshine with a "nice guy". WAH was the perfect boyfriend, everyone liked him, I was head over heels in love and he seemed like a great catch so imagine my surprise when it all went south in less than a year and we weren't even married yet.
In hindsight the guy who hit me was also an avoidant. His life was all about work and partying with his friends. I came in last. See the pattern? We'd get in these fights and he'd shove me into the wall to get me to back off then he'd leave. This went on for 1-2 years. I was so messed up I probably would have stayed but the fights escalated and for the record this guy didn't like me much either. Avoidants want to do what they want to regardless of what their partner wants. They pretend to care but it never sticks before they go right back to the status quo.
Rough weekend. Friday night I messed up a recipe and D17, already an emotional wreck, took it out on me and S19. She went to her room and I didn't see her until noon the next day. She spent the night with a friend and now is going over to WAH's because our dog has cancer.
S19 took me out for a ride in his car and WAH drove by. I ducked down but he knew anyway. Asked S19 what I thought of the car. I was down so I didn't pull it together to cook so S19 and I went out to eat. He said it was eh and I thought it was wonderful. He said I needed to eat more. True.
Down again today, S19 told me I needed to shower and cook dinner (I did). Start to feel better when I find out my estranged sister is calling WAH. ***@%^%#$$# I hate her. In a moment of weakness I reached out to my toxic family and now he knows.
D14 went to a party Sat night but WAH is working so she asked if I could pick her up. On my way out I fell on my bad elbow, scraped myself (ouch) and broke my phone. I need a lot of sleep but WAH didn't pick her up until after midnight.
What went well is me still having my kids full time. Rumor has it he's busy every night working and D14 is being neglected. She naps while he's gone, eats dinner at 9-10pm, and does homework until 11pm. Said her grades have dropped but she is working to pull them up.
You are focused entirely too much on what you WAH is doing? If the D is finalized, do you anticipate focusing on his every move for the rest of your life?
Why duck down? Who cares? That I don't get. I don't get the dynamic where you go out for a ride with your son and you see your WAH? Did you tell him to go by his house? is it a smaller town? Did your son just drive where WAH might be?
I feel like you are still riding the roller coaster. Roller coaster can be fun but to be on one all the time is a nightmare and exhausting. No wonder you are tired and worn down.
What can you do to get off it...for a day, an hour or a week?
kas99 do you have any set fun things you do with all 3 of your children that you look forward too? My daughter and I have movie night every other week on Friday at a friend's house. All of us look forward to it and I have even found that my mind takes a break from thinking about XW. You need to find something to do so your mind can rest and not think of WAH all the time. I know it isn't easy.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Kas - that's OK. This is (well it was, I am not sure know after reading DV's thread) a safe place to vent. We all have those weekends where nothing seems to go right. Try and focus on the things that did go right (you sent time with S19 in his car, you got to spend time with D14) or reframe the things that did not go so well so that a) they do not loom so large in your mind, or make them ridiculous, like your watching a sitcom in your head and it is happening to someone else. Change the narrative.
I do see the glimpses of the love your children have for you, particularly S19. Hold on to that.
Originally Posted by Kas99
... I messed up a recipe and D17, already an emotional wreck, took it out on me and S19. She went to her room and I didn't see her until noon the next day.
Girls are a funny lot during their teenage years. Emotional sensitive and ready to turn on a dime. Everything is drama. Everything is "I hate [this]" (and you can pretty much substitute any noun for the word "this" - what you've cooked for dinner, a movie, a book, a restaurant ... anything at all). D13 declared recently she was going to reduce her meat intake - she watched a plant based diet documentary with her dad (who is a fitness nut) - and they have both been spouting the benefits of not eating any animal based products. She was also going to try and avoid glutton. She asked me to order pizza for dinner, and, thinking she was still a glutton free vegetarian, I ordered glutton free vegetarian pizza. When it arrived, she opened the box, said "you got the thin crust, I hate the thin crust and you got the wrong toppings" and stormed up to her room, refusing to eat. Everything is the end of the world. I know it's tough, but consistency is the key here.
To be fair to D13, the pizza was horrible.
Originally Posted by Kas99
Start to feel better when I find out my estranged sister is calling WAH. ***@%^%#$$# I hate her. In a moment of weakness I reached out to my toxic family and now he knows.
Don't worry - we've all done this. We need to feel connected to people and sometimes we turn to the wrong people. It is not weakness, it is human. Forgive yourself, forgive her, but just don't do it again. If you need to vent, do it here, do it with your IC. We/they don't have an agenda.
