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I won't beat you up. You are having a natural reaction to the emotional trauma that has happened to you. To say that you need to get over it is like telling someone who was hit buy a car they need just get over it. Most people would never say that.

It takes time to heal and you will go through varying emotions during the process. It's not even been a year.


DB is about moving on which I get. It's challenging LBS's to GAL so they can heal. I get that too.

In real life people are kind, understanding, and supportive. Its different. I don't want that here so the balance works. I'm told to pick myself up up here and in real life I'm told to take care of my babies and be kind to myself. In real life I have good friends who love and support me in my time of grief. I will continue to push myself mindful of the knowledge that my life and my kids lives just blew up. Heck I'm about to have to put my former disney D17 girl on antidepressants. What the heck just happened??

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I think you will get there, but don't beat yourself up if you feel down. It's part of the process. I see some growth in your posts even if you don't see it. I just wanted to share that.


Thank you. I do appreciate the kind words. I think I'm growing too it's just at a snails pace compared to other people here likely due to the part where I struggle with negativity. I have times when I feel optimistic and positive it just doesn't last long...yet. I want to give up sometimes but I have not.

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Also, I find the double standard here to be a tad disturbing. Multiple LBS who happened to be male have dated and even slept with other women (way sooner than 8 months) I might add. And they tend to get congratulated by the other "NMNGs" here or at minimum get tactic acceptance of the act.

And Kas admitted to a moment of weakness and people jump all over her. You'd done what most of us here have done...but you had to guts to admit it and change direction.


I think sleeping with or dating other people is a common response to being dumped and I think its true men get a pass on the behavior more than women do. I look back at when I texting the OM all day and night, talking on the phone and I wince at how pathetic I was. I am grateful I no longer have the urge to self medicate with men. I am free.

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I do see one thing in your post.

Originally Posted by kas99
[quote]
I think I'm growing too it's just at a snails pace compared to other people here likely due to the part where I struggle with negativity. I have times when I feel optimistic and positive it just doesn't last long...yet. I want to give up sometimes but I have not.



I am a runner and I'm pretty good (I know bragging) I usually end up places in most of my races. But the times that I couldn't enjoy my achievements is when I start comparing myself to others. If guy who is older, or doesn't look like a runner, or runs less than me beat me, I used to get annoyed, mad and dismiss my achievements.

See the problem wasn't that I wasn't doing well. It was that I was comparing myself to others. And being human, I never compared myself to slower runners, etc. I always compared myself to the most successful.

With this process, you have to run your own race. You can't compare to people on a message board. You have to look at where you were, where you are and where you are going. The guy thing is a great example of a positive change.
Take stock every now and then. And give yourself credit when you feel negative.



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**posted this before marios** funny


I do great when I'm home surrounded by my children. My work continues to suffer. I can buy groceries but get physically sick when I try to do anything else outside the house.

D is worse than death. At one time in history woman wore black and withdrew from the world for a period of one year to grieve. In some cases this was extended to two years.

I'm 8 months out and I feel like a failure because I express my grief here in unhealthy ways. I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people. WAH is done with me and all the DB'ing in the world isn't going to change that.

Its unlikely he will come back but even then the most successful stories on here are ones who spent at least a year apart, the longer the better. The reason many LBSs don't take the WAS's back is a simple matter of them waiting too long. They had their chance and they blew it.

The OM I was talking to his wife left him for her affair partner. 16 months later she wanted to come back. He said no.

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KAS99. You are not the only one being a hermit, dealing with feelings, negative self talk and lack of GAL here, flip flopping between past, present, future, and beating yourself up for not doing, trying, correcting, fixing, building hard enough, and trying to fill a void that we ourselves can only fill. You're not alone, I have some commentary for your sich, in which a few instances you proved my point to my last question, I kind of set you up. My problem is I'm dealing with too many feelings. Too much information, too many different schools of thought, too much advise, and too many philosophies that make my anxiety and thoughts nuts. Its a internal self talk that never goes quiet. I never take the time to write it out because it costs me too much time in productivity. But the truth is I'm not being as productive as I should be because I am always thinking/feeling trying to get to the right place of mind. With myself, and my such. SO I NEVER FORGET EVER AGAIN. Maybe I will update my sich, thought and feelings tonight on my own thread.

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Originally Posted by kas99
**posted this before marios** funny


I do great when I'm home surrounded by my children. My work continues to suffer. I can buy groceries but get physically sick when I try to do anything else outside the house.

D is worse than death. At one time in history woman wore black and withdrew from the world for a period of one year to grieve. In some cases this was extended to two years.

I'm 8 months out and I feel like a failure because I express my grief here in unhealthy ways. I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people. WAH is done with me and all the DB'ing in the world isn't going to change that.

Its unlikely he will come back but even then the most successful stories on here are ones who spent at least a year apart, the longer the better. The reason many LBSs don't take the WAS's back is a simple matter of them waiting too long. They had their chance and they blew it.

The OM I was talking to his wife left him for her affair partner. 16 months later she wanted to come back. He said no.


Full disclosure the GAL thing always grated on my nerves. It implied that I didn't have a life before or that my career and family weren't enough. After work, the kids, etc. the last thing on my mind was finding stuff to do - especially outside of the house. I wasn't going to date. I wasn't going to go to bars - I never did that anyway. I wasn't going to join a new club or new activity, etc. I just wasn't. That's not me and it didn't feel natural. But I was okay with not doing what everyone said. I learned to be. You should be too.

However, I retrospect maybe I should have found stuff that was of interest, but I'd never do stuff just to do stuff. I did continue running - it's pretty cheap and available. I qualified for the Boston Marathon- so I had to keep training. I also used the opportunity to go to more concerts alone - again it was in bands I really wanted to see. I'm curious as to what your life was like before the BD. Did you so stuff by yourself? what about before you got married?

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Originally Posted by kas99
I feel like a failure because I'm not GAL. I don't want a hobby and I don't want to spend time with other people.


Just like everyone else after BD! I cried all the way to work, couldn't hardly get anything done at work, cried all the way home and then just wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner of my room with the door closed. That's what I WANTED to do. What I did instead was came here, posted, read, listened, followed the advice. I made myself GAL, I mean dragged myself out the door kicking and screaming. At first it was just going to the gym, I could do that with minimal fuss. Drive there, work out for an hour, drive home and be miserable some more. But then I started talking to people more and more, and adding other activities. I got back into building R/C planes and model cars. I took a painting class with my daughter. I reached out to old friends I hadn't seen in a long time and set up lunches and dinners with them. I went from hating GAL, to tolerating it, to liking it, to loving it. And at each of those steps I thought about my XW and my sitch progressively less.

I do volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity. Do you know how utterly daunting it is to build a house? To look at a weed-infested lot and say you're going to build a house on it? How in the world do you do it? One tiny piece at a time. You clear the lot. You pour the slab. You grab a piece of treated wood for your bottom plate. You mark the stud locations on it. You drill holes in it for the anchor bolts. You grab a stud and nail to it through the bottom plate. Then another stud and another, then the top plate, etc. etc. You build it one bit at a time. At first it seems impossible. But then you see progress, and you find yourself wanting to push harder. Months later, there's a complete house standing before you. Sometimes you look at it and you wonder how it happened.

That's what GAL is. It's this huge, daunting task that you need to do even though you don't want to. You don't go from zero to full GAL overnight. You start with a piece, and you build on it. Don't be paralyzed by fear, pick something small and do it. Maybe it's walking around the block every evening after work. Or learning to knit, or paint. Pick something and spend some time every day doing it. Don't think about all the reasons why you can't or won't or shouldn't, just make it happen. It's that hard, and that easy.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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kas99 Offline OP
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With this process, you have to run your own race. You can't compare to people on a message board. You have to look at where you were, where you are and where you are going. The guy thing is a great example of a positive change. Take stock every now and then. And give yourself credit when you feel negative.


Before WAH left I couldn't be alone. My entire family, including me, expected me to fall apart. I focused on my kids and tried to get my act together. A pivotal moment was when D17 told me she was happy she had her mom back (my priorities were backwards).

The guy thing is fixed yes. I've got teenagers as I got closer they began to let me into their world.. They cuss and do cringe worthy things. They now draw inappropriate (funny) pictures for the fridge. S19 shows me all the porn texts/emails he gets. They admitted hacking my Netflix account (4 years ago) so they could watch MA shows. Turns out my sweet, straight A, innocent children aren't so innocent after all.

I'm on top of things more than I was before, fixed the guy thing and I've earned my way into my teens private lives. This is what I've accomplished in 8 months.

I do forget where I came from vs where I am now. My mental state needs a complete overhaul yes but I am working on it.

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I never take the time to write it out because it costs me too much time in productivity. But the truth is I'm not being as productive as I should be because I am always thinking/feeling trying to get to the right place of mind. With myself, and my such. SO I NEVER FORGET EVER AGAIN. Maybe I will update my sich, thought and feelings tonight on my own thread.


I used to read and post a lot when I was at home but now I don't. I focus on taking care of my kids and sleeping. As a LBS I've waffled from not sleeping much to needing a lot of sleep. Right now I need a lot of sleep. This is an improvement from where I was.

At work yep I post too much, always trying to get to the right place of mind, and I don't want to forget either. I want to stay strong in my resolve to D him. I don't want his crumbs to affect me ever again. Must stay strong. Must not forget.

And don't even get me started on filling the void. lol

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I'm curious as to what your life was like before the BD. Did you so stuff by yourself? what about before you got married?


I was a homemaker and I had just gotten a job. To be frugal I baked, cooked from scratch, clipped coupons,etc. I hosted sleepovers and drove kids around. Evenings were spent with WAH watching mind numbing tv. I wanted a different life but WAH wasn't much fun. He worked a lot and I gave him a break because he was tired. I still love him I just didn't want to spend all my free time watching tv.

Before marriage I was a driven, ambitious person, I was in college and I set my goals on the corner office which I did eventually get. You know the whole I'll be happy when thing. It didn't make me happy and little did I know that what I needed to do is what I'm attempting to do now, be internally happy.

Last edited by kas99; 12/12/19 08:11 PM.
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