You had a men addiction and were sexting while married?
Men addiction yes meaning codependent, can't be alone, needed validation, no female friends, etc. When I was younger I'd go from one relationship to another within weeks. I got too attached to men I worked with. I never had an affair (EA or PA) but I walked right up to that line. This was before cell phones (no sexting) or the internet. I became a homemaker (15 years ago) and my access to men ended. I focused on my kids and tried to make female friends.
6 years ago I did go online and made male friends. WAH got angry (he agreed they were friends) and then dug into my past before we married. Realized I had more experience than him and I became tainted goods. He thinks the man should be more experienced than the woman. In anger I offered a hall pass. "Go sleep with 3 women so you can beat me". Anyway we were never the same after this which is why I'm not surprised there is OW. He longed to have the teenage experience and now he's having it.
Meanwhile, before I knew about the OW, I panicked. He'd just left, I can't be alone, and my instinct to jump into another R was strong. Ended up meeting a man online and soon the sexting started. He wanted to come visit but I said no and the OM dumped me. Long story short I decided to once and for all fix my men addiction so I went cold turkey. Took 3 months until the urge passed (it was hard).
I've been 100% man free for 5 months now which is the longest I've gone since I was 15 years old. Yes this was a real problem. I wanted to sign up on a dating site to feel hopeful about my future. I don't have a desire for a R or male attention right now but I'm thinking it's probably not a good idea to risk it.
He's rewritten history and kept saying I'm crazy and it's been 30 years over and over. Says he's been unhappy since the beginning. He's miserable and if he dumps me he will be happy. Told me "its time for me to take care of myself". I'm not sure how much of what happened 6 years ago played a part in this I just know it's a factor. BD looked like a nervous breakdown.
He's still drinking heavily and working a lot. He's desperately trying to buy the kids love but they have lost respect for him. They take his gifts and go back to their regularly scheduled lives. D17 still isn't talking to him.
I'm getting no signs that he's been served nor have I heard from my attorney. It's been 3 weeks.
Kas, you are so right about sounding like Eeyore! You were doing much better there for a while, why do you think you've back-tracked and how do you think you can get back to where you need to be? I have a couple of suggestions:
1. Quit posting doom-and-gloom worst case scenarios. Anything you post that contains absolutes is just pure pessimism, you have no idea what the future holds so speaking in absolutes is just making you feel worse for no reason. Examples:
I'll be alone forever.
If I do date all that will be out there will be damaged obese men that I'm not attracted to.
My brain says this will never happen, might as well give up and get some cats.
2. Spend less time here on the forums. You did it last week and it really seemed to help you. When you did post you seemed to be in a better place.
3. Engage in your support group. That too seemed to help you quite a bit. If you feel yourself slipping then reach out to someone in the group to help get you back on track.
4. Make your life all about positive energy! Banish the bad thoughts and welcome the good ones. Again I saw you starting to do this last week and it made a difference in your attitude. So get back to that!
I'm not sure why you think no one can be happy single. I've already told you my XW is single and she is very happy. I've also shared with you that her mother's husband passed away about 12 years ago and she lives a very full life and enjoys it very much. She has more zeal than a lot of people half her age. And me as well, sure I sort of have a GF but we only see each other once or twice a month. For all intents and purposes I live as a single person, I do everything myself, and I love my life. I think you wallow in self-despair and embrace anything anyone tells you that backs up that narrative while ignoring and rejecting anything that doesn't. Why continue to make yourself miserable? You can choose to be happy.
6 years ago I did go online and made male friends. WAH got angry (he agreed they were friends) and then dug into my past before we married. Realized I had more experience than him and I became tainted goods. He thinks the man should be more experienced than the woman. In anger I offered a hall pass. "Go sleep with 3 women so you can beat me". Anyway we were never the same after this which is why I'm not surprised there is OW. He longed to have the teenage experience and now he's having it.
Wow. Just wow. You are right, it is no wonder. And I am not saying this to beat you up, but I think other LBSs need to come here and read about this. This is a cautionary tale. Your current sitch is the result of one misstep and mistake after another. Two unhealthy individuals with unhealthy ideals and beliefs, co-depending and projecting on one another. I sincerely pray that if you two do R, that you guys get intensive psychological therapy first, and eventually intensive relationship and marital counseling.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kas, you are so right about sounding like Eeyore! You were doing much better there for a while, why do you think you've back-tracked and how do you think you can get back to where you need to be?
My official dx is PTSD. My surroundings need to be stable to minimize paranoia and I just moved from a McMansion into an old, run down shoe box. Where do I start....I have a tiny kitchen and I'm not efficient.
I took the smallest bedroom (10x10). There are 5 tubs, my clothes are on the floor and I have the filing cabinet with the printer on top. I have a twin bed without a headboard and the blankets don't fit. I have no other furniture.
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Engage in your support group. That too seemed to help you quite a bit. If you feel yourself slipping then reach out to someone in the group to help get you back on track.
I was better last week because of the support group. Last night was a waste because this guy showed up who thinks he's possessed by demons. This has happened once before and she removes them from the group. The group has now ended until January. Sometimes seeing people who are worse off than me help but last night wasn't one of them.
Wow. Just wow. You are right, it is no wonder. And I am not saying this to beat you up, but I think other LBSs need to come here and read about this. This is a cautionary tale. Your current sitch is the result of one misstep and mistake after another. Two unhealthy individuals with unhealthy ideals and beliefs, co-depending and projecting on one another. I sincerely pray that if you two do R, that you guys get intensive psychological therapy first, and eventually intensive relationship and marital counseling.
Yes this was a symptom of a much bigger problem that started back before we got married. He went to a sex therapist for 1.5 years which helped a lot. We'd already done MC. With some distance and healing on my part I see the problems more clearly and think it's fixable. By the time I fix my problems he likely will have moved onto someone new. I lost hope when I found out about the OW.
I'm not sure why you think no one can be happy single.
I'm an introvert but for years I felt like a loser because I didn't have friends. I put forth some serious effort to make some girlfriends and it worked. Did girls night out, talked on the phone, lunches, you name it I tried it but I hated it. I know now I picked needy friends but overall I'm good. I accepted the part of me that can get my social needs from a nice chat with a store clerk. lol
WAH and I were alike in this way so we were content to stay at home. He has two friends. Was never interested in hanging out with them and now is having a full on bromance with one of them. They are together so much that D17 joked that he was a closeted gay. D14 hates him so yeah that's a problem.
I want to accept that I can be happy single. Working on it I just can't get it to stick yet.
It's over. I get it. It's hard but I get it. This is his new life and it is none of my concern who he hangs out with. I want him to be miserable and my instructor and IC says I will get past this. They say one day I won't care but today is not that day.
I won't beat you up. You are having a natural reaction to the emotional trauma that has happened to you. To say that you need to get over it is like telling someone who was hit buy a car they need just get over it. Most people would never say that.
It takes time to heal and you will go through varying emotions during the process. It's not even been a year.
I think you will get there, but don't beat yourself up if you feel down. It's part of the process. I see some growth in your posts even if you don't see it. I just wanted to share that.
Also, I find the double standard here to be a tad disturbing. Multiple LBS who happened to be male have dated and even slept with other women (way sooner than 8 months) I might add. And they tend to get congratulated by the other "NMNGs" here or at minimum get tactic acceptance of the act.
And Kas admitted to a moment of weakness and people jump all over her. You'd done what most of us here have done...but you had to guts to admit it and change direction.
