Hi Kas - I too have been following you on and off too. I want you to think of something when you don't think you will find anyone. At least half of all marriages fail. HALF! Next time you go out, divide the room in half. All the people one one side are statistically going to end up available and looking.
For a while, I thought I would never find someone either. I am still looking but I am thinking more as to what I want to be and what I **really** want in someone else. I know - being alone [censored], but you know what's worse, having a spouse that treats you like cr@p and doesn't respect you. Being alone is 100x better than that.
My ex found someone else too before we were separated and the best way I can describe how I felt was: betrayed. Ripped off, gyped, destroyed, but in the end, I felt betrayed. Sounds like you and I both didn't sign up for what we were given in the end. Understand too that a new relationship built on deceit and lies is nothing more than a farce. Our former SO's might have somebody now, but they will always wake up wondering if the person they are waking up to will eventually cheat again.
Think about stuff you liked to do before you got married and start doing those things again.
Logging on to dating sites at this time is not the way to go. You have to deal w/the fallout of what is going on in your situation as well as healing yourself. Look at it another way, if you are logging on to dating sites and communicating/chatting w/men from those sites, you are using them as band aids to patch up your broken heart and self esteem. Until you have healed your situation has been settled and put to rest, you do not want to bring a third party into the mix because at some point, someone is going to get hurt.
Try to remember that happiness comes from within and another person cannot make you happy. Sure, you might think another person will make you happy, but at the end of the day, you have to dig deep within your soul and find that Kas who was happy and self confident before you met your spouse.
Do not lower yourself to your spouse's level. If he thinks you are dating, then he's going to think you have finally accepted what he is doing and are okay w/it. You are not. You are trying to honor the love and honor that you had when you two were a couple.
Now about the groceries, check into food stamps. There is no shame in getting some government assistance until things are resolved. Ask questions of your local government and see what you can be entitled to and use those services. There is no shame in asking and using the various systems that are available for all to use when they fall onto hard times.
Kas, breathe and dig deeper for patience. You are not going to recover in a day, a week or even a month. It is going to take time to grieve and trust me, the steps for grieving are not linear. Some days you will be angry as h3ll, other days, you will cry...but I promise you, as you work through the grieving process, you will become a stronger person.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Logging on to dating sites at this time is not the way to go.
Like an alcoholic I was just going to have a sip. Wasn't going to put a profile up I just wanted to snoop. I'm not going to do it because no good will come of it. If there are nice looking men I'll be tempted. If there aren't I'll be depressed.
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Try to remember that happiness comes from within and another person cannot make you happy. Sure, you might think another person will make you happy, but at the end of the day, you have to dig deep within your soul and find that Kas who was happy and self confident before you met your spouse.
Logically I know another person can't make me happy......but I don't want to be alone. I can't even fathom a world where I can be happy without a man in my life. I think how is that even possible? Everyone I work with has someone to go home to.
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Do not lower yourself to your spouse's level. If he thinks you are dating, then he's going to think you have finally accepted what he is doing and are okay w/it. You are not. You are trying to honor the love and honor that you had when you two were a couple.
I don't care what he thinks but I do care what my kids think. They have lost respect for him for dating while we are still married. They asked me directly if I had someone and I said no. D14 asked him if he was going to date before she moved in with him. He said no. Unlike him I won't lie to our kids.
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Now about the groceries, check into food stamps.
My income puts me close to poverty level but not low enough for me to qualify for food stamps (I checked). I got close though.
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Kas, breathe and dig deeper for patience. You are not going to recover in a day, a week or even a month. It is going to take time to grieve and trust me, the steps for grieving are not linear. Some days you will be angry as h3ll, other days, you will cry...but I promise you, as you work through the grieving process, you will become a stronger person.
Your post makes me cry. I've cried a lot since I had to move because it was in that moment when I knew my M was over. I had hope before then. The nails that finished it off were the OW, him deliberately paying me as little as possible and lying about the promotion. I am jealous of the OW but the rest will be righted in court.
If it's possible to be happy alone then why does it seem like most people are partnered back up? And why do the people who are alone seem unhappy? I'm surrounded by people who are on their 2nd marriages. The only single woman I work with is unhappy.
Is this some sort of zen thing where few figure this out and everyone else jumps into a new R? I mean that's what I'd be doing if I hadn't found this board. In a heartbeat.
The big thing I've seen in others posts Kas, even if you found someone for the time being, you might be blinded by your feelings. Times like this are when men and women are taken advantage of by predatory people. You don't want that for you or the kids. You're ahead of me so its easier for me to say but you will be happier in the long run working on yourself and taking the time to find a quality partner rather than potentially be taken advantage of. Imagine going home to someone you hate or an abuser, someone using you for cash, for a home, for whatever it may be. You'd wish you were alone!
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
My parents disowned me and it took me 10 years to let them go. It didn't help that they stalked and harassed me. I worry that I won't get past this for 10 years either but I'm NC and I am working hard to GAL, detach and move on. This is harder than losing my parents because at least when that happened I had WAH. Now it's all me.
S19 bought a car yesterday. It's this classic manual transmission car from Britain. No power anything, steering wheel on the wrong side of the car and despite being barely able to drive it he drove it 2 miles to my house so I could see it. He giggled and is so excited. He wanted me to see it. Me.
The big thing I've seen in others posts Kas, even if you found someone for the time being, you might be blinded by your feelings. Times like this are when men and women are taken advantage of by predatory people. You don't want that for you or the kids. You're ahead of me so its easier for me to say but you will be happier in the long run working on yourself and taking the time to find a quality partner rather than potentially be taken advantage of. Imagine going home to someone you hate or an abuser, someone using you for cash, for a home, for whatever it may be. You'd wish you were alone!
There is no doubt my picker will be off for a while. Until I can be alone I should not date. Too risky. I do know this I'm just pouting. I was doing great until I got kicked out of my house. He notified me I was moving by cc'ing me on the email he sent to the rental company. Nice right?
Hi Kas - I too have been following you on and off too. I want you to think of something when you don't think you will find anyone. At least half of all marriages fail. HALF! Next time you go out, divide the room in half. All the people one one side are statistically going to end up available and looking.
I've followed your story here and there I just don't respond because I am in no position to give anyone advice. I'm surrounded by people who have been married for 10-20 years but my demographic is small.
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My ex found someone else too before we were separated and the best way I can describe how I felt was: betrayed. Ripped off, gyped, destroyed, but in the end, I felt betrayed. Sounds like you and I both didn't sign up for what we were given in the end. Understand too that a new relationship built on deceit and lies is nothing more than a farce. Our former SO's might have somebody now, but they will always wake up wondering if the person they are waking up to will eventually cheat again.
Yes this is exactly how I feel. My H would say he didn't meet the OW until after he moved out (its possible I guess) and that he's just keeping her away from the kids until it's serious. Lots of people date while separated so he's doing nothing wrong in fact he's a great father by not introducing her to the kids until its serious.
I like to put things out there to debate them. I read LBS stories and some seem forced. My H traded me in for a 25 year old but now I make my own soap. I'm dating now. I've been out on 15 dates and there is this one guy who is nice but he has cats and I'm allergic. I did a background check and he's 5 years older but he is divorced so that's good. Overall I'm happy with my life. I would never have done any of this if I were still with my ex.
So far the only thing I can say is I got closer to my kids and I'm healed from my men addiction. Yeah it seems like I haven't but I have. Hi my name is kas and it's been 5 months since I sexted anyone.
Does this truly get better? Will I be happy making soap? Yes I'm being funny but this is how I feel sometimes reading these posts. Please don't anyone take offense. I just want to get better.
