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A Message from Michele
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All the time I think how warm it used to be #2875368
12/09/19 06:14 PM
12/09/19 06:14 PM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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OwnIt  Offline OP
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Coat

Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off
like a heavy coat.
Sometimes I have said
you would not let me
breathe or move.
But now that I am free
to choose light clothes
or none at all
I feel the cold
and all the time I think
how warm it used to be.
_______________________________

I love this poem for its simplicity. It is the perfect time of year to revisit it, not only because it is about a coat, but because it is very much how I imagine OD feels about now. In life our actions have choices. What we run from at one time, we yearn for another.

OD has been pretty active for several months with his holiday hoovers. I expect we will reach a fever pitch soon, and then will be coasting to another February disappearance. Rinse and repeat.

Forgiven, they go free of you . . .

Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2875406
12/09/19 10:21 PM
12/09/19 10:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Australia
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scout12 Offline
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I love everything about this poem. Thanks for sharing it!


W 31 | H 29
Together 8
Married 3
S2

BD | June '19
Separation | July '19
OW confirmed | October '19
I filed | December '19

Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2875791
12/12/19 06:08 AM
12/12/19 06:08 AM
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Gerda Offline
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Own, I love the poem but also the part you chose for your thread title.

Own, do you ever remember the OD you loved before and imagine he is still in there somewhere? Or do you think that he was somehow bad all along and you just missed the signs? I am not sure I should even think about that question for you or for me but at the moment it is part of what I am thinking about in order to find my wound.

I am not only asking that because I am confused about it in my own story. I sometimes can't tell from your posts if you are completely past it or if it still hurts your heart.

Last edited by Gerda; 12/12/19 06:15 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2875792
12/12/19 07:20 AM
12/12/19 07:20 AM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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Thanks ladies.

To be clear Gerda, this is a poem that I think expresses where OD is. (And no, I feel no pain from OD at this point). I never felt constricted in this way or the need to cast people off. I liked that line from the poem too and it seemed to fit the theme of my thread with ODs antics heading out of the last one. (I have a great poem picked out for next time if I remember to use it by then).

In the very beginning, I was so worried for him. Everything was about him. Fearful for him. Even more than my children I hate to say. It is shocking to me to remember that now, but it was true. I was definitely at the bottom of the list in terms of the people I worried about.

Then I missed him and I just wanted him back and would do anything he would have asked of me. I think that must have been the bargaining part.

Then I just felt like an idiot. I thought he was a terrible person and pretending the entire time. I thought I never knew him.

Now, OD is someone I often forget. He is a very small figure in the rear view. It is not pain, not care, and not even much curiosity anymore. I think I took everything I felt for him and gave it to my children and myself. I feel the love for them and for myself so much more profoundly than I did before.

Very, very recently, I have reached a place where I think I see the old OD coming to the fore. I see him trying on his old name, I see him accepting that he was the source of the misery, and I see him groping in the dark to find something comfortable and familiar (like an old, warm coat). And while it does make me think that he was a real person and the person I loved, I don't love him anymore. Not just because of the pain he caused, but to be honest, because I see him as weak and fearful and I am not interested in drawing that energy to me.

I don't hate him, I don't like him, I don't dislike him. He is just a faint memory, not good and not bad. Almost how I think of people I knew in my childhood or old friends I've lost touched with. Those tapes in my mind, that played the bad things over and over. They are gone too.

Could I ever love him again? I'm not sure. I can't remember enough what I did love about him.

Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2875817
12/12/19 02:15 PM
12/12/19 02:15 PM
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Grace21 Offline
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Originally Posted by OwnIt
Very, very recently, I have reached a place where I think I see the old OD coming to the fore. I see him trying on his old name, I see him accepting that he was the source of the misery, and I see him groping in the dark to find something comfortable and familiar (like an old, warm coat). And while it does make me think that he was a real person and the person I loved, I don't love him anymore. Not just because of the pain he caused, but to be honest, because I see him as weak and fearful and I am not interested in drawing that energy to me.

I don't hate him, I don't like him, I don't dislike him. He is just a faint memory, not good and not bad. Almost how I think of people I knew in my childhood or old friends I've lost touched with. Those tapes in my mind, that played the bad things over and over. They are gone too.



This really struck a chord with me. After my meeting with H on Saturday, I realized that I didn't think about "what he did to me", or stew on what he's doing with OW. I almost felt detached. Compassion was the most predominant emotion, I think.

For newbies reading this, read these words a few times. Those obsessive thoughts about your MLCr DO fade, and a happier you IS in your future.

Originally Posted by OwnIt
Could I ever love him again? I'm not sure. I can't remember enough what I did love about him.


Exactly. I've thought a bit about this since my meeting with H. I really don't know the answer. I guess time will bring me the answers. But as the months and now I can say years, since he's been out for 15 months now, move on, my feelings about the early years with H are fading. I think this just highlights how IF we, or anyone going through this, chooses to reconcile, it would have to be a completely new relationship with "new" people.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2875861
12/12/19 06:08 PM
12/12/19 06:08 PM
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Quote
while it does make me think that he was a real person and the person I loved, I don't love him anymore. Not just because of the pain he caused, but to be honest, because I see him as weak and fearful and I am not interested in drawing that energy to me.


Couldn't have said it better myself! (Although there's no risk of my ex trying to come back, he's very happy in his new marriage from what I can see - well, not exactly happy, as he carries his unhappiness with him, but apparently happy from the surface, which is as good as he gets I think. I wouldn't take him back on a silver platter and I work to remind myself of the good things about our marriage so that the bad doesn't blot out the sun, but I'd never go back.)

Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2876026
12/13/19 03:02 PM
12/13/19 03:02 PM
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while it does make me think that he was a real person and the person I loved, I don't love him anymore. Not just because of the pain he caused, but to be honest, because I see him as weak and fearful and I am not interested in drawing that energy to me.


I think this is a common thought for most LBS over time and I feel the same
time does heal
wish my ex well, but it is well over

your last line
Could You love hime again...Im not sure

interesting...
cause my answer would have been a definite No..nothing more than brotherly


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2876085
12/13/19 08:56 PM
12/13/19 08:56 PM
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Gerda Offline
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Own, KmL, Peace, I could have written the exact same thing too! The stages are exactly the same as mine, including how he is slowly shrinking off into history. Made me feel close to you ladies to see something so similarly -- and it's interesting that so far just the ladies (no guys yet) have chimed in with lots of "YES EXACTLY!"

I think the only difference between our perspectives is that I KNOW I could never love/trust my H again, but that I leave it in God's hands. In other words, if God heals H, God will show me how to love him again. And if He doesn't heal him, He'll give me some other grace I can't imagine right now from my vantage point in the smoldering wreckage. The only thing I am not sure of right now is if my entire marriage was a lie or if H really did change, as you allude to above, Own It. It does not exactly matter as far as the meaning of life here, but it would affect my decision to consider myself a single woman -- and/or to seek annulment -- once this D is done. Right now I have decided that I am standing for the M, but only by standing for the physical manifestation of that M -- our kids. I know all of us are doing that, but in my case I did a lot of things on the way that were for H and were not actually what was best for my kids. I can see that more clearly now and won't do that again, at least as far as I am able to discern anything at all, which as we have seen, I am not always (or even often!) able to do!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2876104
12/13/19 10:17 PM
12/13/19 10:17 PM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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Don't worry Peace, that's just the new and improved me trying to live a life with no absolutes, good or bad. I am a realist through and through.

Gerda, I'm relatively certain (without making an absolute) that I could not trust him again. And with the same degree, I don't believe I could ever respect him again. Which circles back to, I do not see myself having a relationship with someone I don't trust and don't respect.

KML and Grace, I'm going to call that the worth factor. It took a lot of healing for me to see that I deserve more than weakness and fear. My life is flourishing in ways now that I would have been surprised about just a few months ago. Nothing I sought, just free riders to a healthier sense of self.

Re: All the time I think how warm it used to be [Re: OwnIt] #2876264
12/15/19 08:45 PM
12/15/19 08:45 PM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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Some observations. D sent me a screen shot of another communication from OD. He is clearly at a loss for how to reengage with her (although I'm not sure I would even be able to help him were I so inclined, she's a difficult one).

That made me wonder what he has been up to with S since I had not been paying attention. They made some tentative plans for visit 4 this past week during visit 3. OD texted him the night before to see if they were still on. S responded and said he had too much homework (digging himself out from the reappearance of OD homework stoppage). OD offered up the same school night in the upcoming week (evidently not getting the point). He also said he'd like to spend time with him over the holidays, but no specifics. He then sent some silly clips of the type of humor OD used to engage in. One was a particular video that he used to mock in silliness on a regular basis. A catch phrase of the old OD if you will. Humor was always a big part of OD.

Last night he texted S to see if S was at work, and presumably letting S know he knew he was at work and had paid attention to what he'd been told about S's schedule. They texted back and forth for a bit.

I was pleasantly surprised by the normality of this. The most I have seen in 3 years. No emojis. No fake emotion. No over use of ellipses or exclamation points--the indicia of teenage OD that has been so apparent. No articles or videos. Just normal back and forth texting and the type of humor OD displayed in our many years together.

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