I think I need to take a lesson from S. She sure knows how to lock a man and make him a part of the family super fast!!!
LOL. I think that it might not work on the average guy off the street.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You seem to be spending a huge amount of time together, especially with her boys.
Those boys however are surely sizing you up to see how long you are sticking around for a long time. I think they already assume your are the next in line. They know how their mom works
And I also meant to say.....
The flow you are following is the super fast flow of S’s. No need to fool us or fool yourself
As long as you are happy and you are careful with those boys, especially the 12 year old, I’m happy for you. And I’m sure you’ll be careful with them.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Remember, it’s okay if the boyfriend takes a rest.
I'm bloody exhausted after that weekend. S has also made it plain that she really wants me to spend more time with her and her family at her place. I've made noises that I'm falling behind on my own stuff at home. Trying to figure that out. I do believe that I am stopping by her apartment after work tonight to move some heavy items for her. I think that I could really use about 11 hours of un-interrupted sleep, a nice hot soak in my tub and a couple of glasses of wine. Maybe Tuesday night.
I still don't have my Christmas tree up but the rest of the decorating has been done. I'm going to try to get my tree on Wednesday at lunch time. There is some outside stuff that at this point just ain't gonna happen I think. On the other hand, I'm way ahead of S on that although I did pull her boxes out of storage for her.
Sunday was a success although a bit surreal. I was talking with S25 about it later and how odd it was for me to be out at the festival essentially as part of a family of 6 when it's been a "lot" of years since I was even part of a family of 4. One vendor referred to me as "Dad" as I paid for everyone's treats. We never bothered to correct him.
There was one rather surreal event which given that this is small town Ontario wasn't a surprise. We got to the festival and looked around for the shuttle buses from the parking area. That was when I realized what company probably provided the buses. Then when the bus door opened, there was the owner of the bus company and I said "Hi Ken" to B's brother in law and loaded up my crew. I made sure to let S know about the connection which made her smile I think and also to get much more proprietary. So - I'm sure that the 100+ decendents of B's mother along with her mother herself now know that I'm dating a red-head with a bunch of kids including quite young ones (S12 has some sort of development issue so that he has the brain of a 12 year old in what appears to be a 5 year old's body). S17 looks about 12 at least to me.
The original plan for the weekend had us going to the festival on Saturday and that Sunday would have been just me at home doing my usual Sunday thing. Chores, cleaning, making dinner and watching the village parade. "The best laid plans gang aft agley" as Robbie Burns would say.
S's D18 was a bit put out I believe when she found out that there was a roast pork dinner that she and her boyfriend and dog hadn't been invited to. The boys were less than thrilled to come but were fine once they found the TV remote. They were also very surprised by eating in a formal dining room with wine glasses (sparkling apple juice) and a laid out table with separate serving dishes. This caused a discussion among the boys of the last time they had had such a formal meal - Thanksgiving was their consensus. The fact that it's "normal" at my house I think is just weird to them. S assisted in making sure that her boys' particular finickiness was accounted for and S25 made the buns (Pillsbury) that S's S17 was "very" happy about. S25 seemed comfortable at the table as well which was a relief and not a surprise at all.
Overall a great success. Everyone was fed and ate their fill - pretty much no leftovers. I got them home and then started the dishes. It was after 11:00 before I got in to bed. The 5:30 alarm (I get to sleep extra on Mondays) was very unwelcome.
S is making noises about coming over on Christmas Day as her family does their thing on Christmas Eve and it would be just her and her Dad. I've been trying to push back on that as I would really like to spend Christmas Day with just S25 and to also enjoy some Christmas libation. We'll see.
I do need to figure out how to get some sleep and how to get more stuff done at home. It feels like I've been burning the candle at both ends for the last month.
S can certainly use my help and I do understand that she feels slighted by the fact that - yes - I do prefer to be in my own space. I just need to figure out how to balance that. I am confident that she's aware as it is something that we have openly discussed.
Well - enough for now. Got to try to stay awake.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Do you not know how to use the word "no"? It appears that you are over there doing stuff for her quite a bit and as you have admitted, you are getting behind on the things that you need to do at your house. Okay, I might be nit picking here, but what was the problem with her and the older kids not chipping in to do the dishes last evening? After all, you provided the dinner, the place and yes, the plates, silverware and glasses for the meal. I hate to say this, but you are entirely too soft when it comes to stepping up to the plate and telling her that you need your own me time to get things done. BTW, what would she have done if you hadn't gotten involved w/her? She and the kids would have survived and figured out how to rearrange and clean their space on their own.
Andrew, please step back and carve out some "me" time and if you would prefer to spend Christmas day w/your own son, then by all means do it. S and her dad can find something to do on their own for the day.
I hate to say this, but I can see where she's getting entirely too comfortable too fast and is using you to get everything done at her place. Maybe it's time that you ask her to help you out over at your place a bit. It's a two way street and what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
S may be a really nice woman, but she's taking advantage of your good nature. From where I'm sitting, looks like you may become her potential husband #4 and/or her moving in w/you after the holidays. Be careful on committing to do things if you are tired or just need to have down time and get your own things done.
She'll respect you more if you say "no" once in a while and be honest and tell her you need some rest and/or get your own chores done.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'll stop you when you're wrong job. Thanks for sitting on my shoulder and whacking me with a stick
I will admit that I was happy to get "my space" back after dinner and take care of the kitchen the way that I like to do it. As I learned with B - I do have challenges in letting go of some things with my kitchen being one of them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
In a matter of months she has managed to make you like a husband and father. She is treating you exactly as such. She has 2 boys at home who can do the heavy lifting. They should have helped clean up. And you are paying for everyone too!!
Like job says. You need to learn the word “no”!
I think I sat family is her MO with a guy doing most things for her and her kids.
But I think you know all of this. But you have to find the strength to speak up
The ability to say no, where and when appropriate is an excellent quality to have.
To analyze, which is a thing you and I do seem to enjoy, you are feeling a bit too engaged and would like a little more down time or Andrew-time; Christmas for example. Talk with S and let her know. If she really cannot handle that or gets upset, best you find out now instead of later. I do suspect she will more respect you and your need for a little Andrew-time, FWIW.
Originally Posted by Westo
...speak up, she will respect you more if you do.
And you will respect you more as well.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
This is a preemptive, and slightly piratesque post. I just wanted to respond to your next post before it’s actually posted.
First, you’re a carousing scallywag and a filthy wretch. Second, you keep your son locked up in chambers all day so that all he can do is draw stick figures with large genitalia. That’s just weird. Third, you get a little taste of booty and then you just want more and more, so much so that you can’t say the word “no” to the keeper of the booty. Forth, you like poutine. What more needs to be said?
Thanks all. I've been cogitating for a while now. I actually had a conversation with S the other day where I mentioned that one of the things I loved about our relationship was the feeling of "belonging to her". It was something that I found comfort in in my marriage as well. Perhaps it's the organized neat freak in me that thinks that everything needs it's "tidy spot"
Re-reading before posting - kind of rambly disjointed posting today. It's the way my brain works. Random facts and thoughts stir around before congealing.
One of the mistakes I think I made with B was pushing through and waiting for things to "get better". Believing that if only I was patient enough that whatever was an issue would blow over. This was also a mistake I made with my now ex after bomb-day. On the other hand, I do believe that patience is an important part of making a relationship work.
S and I have talked about this multiple times in the context of our past relationships. On how waiting for things to change / hoping that they'll change set us up for unhappiness.
My ex was very controlling. I couldn't break wind without prior permission and if I did I was made to feel guilty about it. I don't want to end up in a situation like that again. I don't get that same sort of vibe out of S. With B I was constantly checking in / out. She'd want to know when I got to work, when I left, where I was going, who I was with. My ex also needed to know pretty much down to the minute where I was. I do know that after her affair started that it was helpful for her in scheduling her extra-curricular activities. With S we usually text a good morning around lunch and a good night before I go to bed. We have vague knowledge of each other's movements.
I think that in some ways we define what we want out of a relationship within the context of what we didn't like about our past ones.
There's a quote out of Lord of the Rings that I think describes well what both S and I are worried about. I've shared it with her and I think it apt for both of us
Originally Posted by JRR Tolkien
Aragorn: What do you fear, my lady? Eowyn: A cage.
In S's last marriage she says that she wasn't allowed to redecorate or personalize their home. Any suggestion she would make was received with a grunt and then if she went ahead she was stopped. Because I've been in my home for pretty much my entire adult life, this is a big fear of her's here. I had something similar.
A deliberate choice that I've made - which has become surprisingly easy now that I've made that choice - is to as much as possible to live in the moment and to accept both the world around me and the S that is in that world. As anyone who has walked beside me on my journey especially in the early days (waves to job and Westo) knows what a departure that is for me. S has talked a lot about the changes she wants to make in her own situation which I've not shared here. She is very ambitious and I am doing my best to be supportive. Being more of a cheerleader than an enabler. I have though made the choice to accept the present that is in front of me. As the ancient philosopher Janis Joplin once said
Originally Posted by Janis Joplin
"...I mean, if you got a cat for one day, man — I mean, if you, say, say, if you want a cat for 365 days, right — You ain't got him for 365 days, you got him for one day, man. Well I tell you that one day, man, better be your life, man. Because, you know, you can say, oh man, you can cry about the other 364, man, but you're gonna lose that one day, man, and that's all you've got. You gotta call that love, man. That's what it is, man. If you got it today you don't want it tomorrow, man, 'cause you don't need it, 'cause as a matter of fact, as we discovered in the train, tomorrow never happens, man. It's all the same [bad word] day, man."
I do need to make sure that I don't lose myself here. I've only re-discovered myself in recent years and I do quite like this guy. I also need to navigate to being a healthy supportive partner. Neither S nor I have much experience in having someone who has our back and that we can count on. This makes it tough for both of us to let go and share the load and to accept help. We are used to accommodating and being the one who give in.
This isn't easy. There are no easy answers. Recognizing the issues and examining them is a necessary first step. We're working on it. It won't be solved quickly.
Thanks all.
PS - I'd had a discussion at the plant on how we're having problems getting someone to work at some of the more mundane jobs as most of the staff are stationary engineers or aspire to be. One of the roles actually may be a good fit for S25. I talked to him first and then the foreman. S25 is going to apply. It's a good blue-collar job - straight days, decent pay, stable and makes good use of S25's aptitude for being meticulous. Fingers crossed. I did my part by getting the connection made. It's up to S25 to follow through now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
