Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Rouky Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
I can't believe it has been three years since my last posts. I have achieved a lot in the meantime and discovered new countries (got the bug for it now). Life is good with occasional relapses, just to remind me that we are all human.

I hope to catch up with everyone post :-)

Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Hi Rouky!

Would love to hear about how you are doing! How are your daughters?

I remember we both struggled so much because of our ex”s behaviors. I am so glad to not be in a relationship with my ex husband. I have the opportunity to have a real and healthy relationship and I wish I never settled for someone that was just selfish.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Rouky Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
Hello JujuB,

So please to hear from you. I'm so happy for you to see that you are doing well. You have grown so much (it took me a while to catch up with you :-)).

My life has been good (few ups and downs and I am ok with that). I lost my dad nearly two years ago and went I went to see him one last time ex had the audacity to wish me a jolly good holidays (because I didn't take the kids with me an he had to look after them).

Since my separation with ex I have been financially a lot more stable and now I can afford once a year to go abroad with friends (holidays abroad that don't include going back to my home country: yeeah !!!)

A few months ago got promoted (something that would have never happened with ex) and it is interesting to see the other side of things.

I have been on dates on and off for the last three years (never made it past date number two). I have a massive issue with trust and to be fair I have been able to see the red flags a lot clearer this time than with ex. So I am in a better position to understand what a healthy relationship should be.

Ex is finally settling ( 4 woman in the space of 3 years!!!) and my kids told him he is getting married to woman number 4.It makes me laugh because it is the same pattern as with me: we got a dog first (like they have done), engaged within 9 months of meeting (10 months for them) and married within two years (there wedding day is their two years anniversary). The only difference is that this time there will be no born children so ex will be able to get the attention he craves sooooo much.

As for the kiddos: one says to me that she prefers the future step-mother to me and the one asked me why did on Earth I married such a nasty man. That is kids for you :-).

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Rouky Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
Just here to vent with no expectations.

On a day to day basis my life is good. I take my kids everywhere (I have joined the taxi services' mum :-)), I have a job that i like and I go out with friends but there are days like today when for an insignificant thing I can't stop crying. All this because of word that ex has used with one of his texts.

He texted earlier to see if I wouldn't mind swapping weekends. On the principle i don't mind because it's good that he is spending more time with his children than he ever did when we were together. What sent me in this frenzy of crying is the fact he has used the word WE (meaning him and his fiancee). It really breaks my heart because he is doing all those things with her and our kids when we were together he was working all the time. I understand that people change but I was always asking for us to do things as a family (but never succeeded because he had to work) and now he is playing happy family with someone else.

I can't speak to my friends about it because their reactions is that because it has been nearly 5 years I should move on. How can I move on when I have to regularly chase him for payment, when my kids come home every week saying that they have done that great things with him and her. I don't have hard feelings for her (as she isn't the reason why we are divorced) and i even allow her to regularly pick up the kids, but I don't understand why a man who cheated on me then on the girl he cheated me with is allowed to be happy. His fiancee has a good influence on him and I can see that it's benefiting our children as he is more there.

I'm so jealous of this as it is all i ever wanted from him: not any fancy cars, beautiful house. I just wanted him to behave like a proper dad (like I knew he could be). I keep wandering what is wrong with me. I have been on few dates and I know that I am a good person but why is it so hard for me when it is so easy for ex.

I don't ask for a lot. I am independent. I have a good job. I take care of my kids on a day-to-day basis (while ex only had them one night a week and every other weekend) and i'm smart and intelligent, so why i am struggling? As I take kids to clubs/activities every night (apart his) at the weekend I want to have a rest and at time not do much but i feel i have to do things with the kids because they keep asking me to do stuff. Ex is mortgage free now and has two incomes in his household. I can't compete with what they do/ buy for the kids. also why should I compete with them.

I'm 5 years down the line and struggling being a single mother and I have no family to rely on. I can't be a super mum all the time and now I have the kids telling me that they don't want me to date (mind you no problem with this;-) but are ok that their dad is getting married again.

I am really lost and don't know what to do. I HAVE LOST FAITH that one day I will be happy again (i have amazing friend who have been single for nearly two decades and they are serial daters but they don't have anyone to come home to). I do know that if ex had done the right thing and left me before engaging in extramarital relations I wouldn't be feeling like this now. I can't let go of the humiliation and the unfairness that now he is the man I always thought he could be but with someone else and he is happy. What is wrong with me? His new woman is an upgrade from me but the difference is that she has no young children to care for, so she can focus on ex. I couldn't because i had two toddlers and he was working all the time. I have to admit that after a day's work, then taking kids to clubs after school, going home, preparing tea, taking the dog for a walk and to do some work by the time the kids were in bed I had no energy for my relationship. SO I see what i did wrong but i'm not a bad person and I fell into depression because I was doing too much on my own.

Why people who failed to behave decently deserve to be happy?

Rant over but I feel so much better for letting this out. Thank you for reading.

Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Rouky -

What would make you happy and fulfilled right now? What do you want?

I think you have to stop looking at your ex”s life...
1. What he does (except how he treats the kids and if he’s paying you) has nothing to do with you. Even if he won the lottery and married a super model. It doesn’t matter. Just do you.

2. He’s been through woman after woman and he’s historically been disloyal. He’s not gonna change for anyone. They are not winning this changed man. You didn’t lose out. You won - because you don’t have to live with a liar and cheater that didn’t treat you well.

I think your hooked on the potential he had and not on who he actually is or was. I recognize that because I did the same. Once you figure out what’s gonna make you feel happy with your life, you won’t think about him and compare yourself to him anymore. But again, what do you want for yourself? Deep down?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
(((Rouky))). I can totally relate to your feelings. I’m sure many people on here can. I wholeheartedly agree with Juju on this one. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and it is early days for your XH and his fiance. My XH was great for the first few years too. But then kids happened and financial stresses and day-to-day life got hard and he checked out. I realize now that he is not the person I had hoped he was and that has nothing to do with me. Just as your XH’s behaviour has nothing to do with you. Hardships and tough times reveal the people we truly are. Your XH, and mine, have some serious character flaws that don’t just disappear without some significant personal work and that doesn’t happen just because you substitute one spouse for another.

Keep moving forward. Take the focus off XH and put it back on you. Put yourself out there and do the things you enjoy doing. And don’t worry about competing for your kids affections. My kids remember they had an absent dad for a long time and they are loving having him back in their lives but he is not their mom and neither is his OW. I am sure it is the same for your kids as well. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
Hi Rouky!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard