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C70 #2879166 01/07/20 03:23 PM
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AS is dead on, as usual. D does not mean no R. Common mistake that LBSs make. "But if he goes through with the D then that ruins our chances at R!' No it doesn't. D is often a step in the process. Many couples together today were married, got D'd, then later got back together and married again! It happens more than people think.

In fact, you can use the D process as a step towards R. How? By being as accommodating as possible. Most LBH's especially think "If I accommodate her then I will get screwed!" Once you make D about you vs. her, then it gets contentious. Then it gets to the point where there are deep wounds and bitter resentments.

Its like the movie When Harry Met Sally. Harry, watching his friends talk about moving in with each other, says "Helen (his exW) and I started like this. But then 10 years later you find yourselves fighting over this dish. This $5 dish will cost you $1000 talking to the law firm of That's Mine, This Is Hers!"

While humorous....it makes a good point. Bend over backwards to accommodate her. Do not die on a hill not worth dying on. Pick your battles, but then even fight those with kindness. Kill her with kindness in the D process. That will make a much better lasting impression than fighting her over every knickknack. Remember, it is all stuff. And just money.

Anyway, keep your chin up. It usually always gets worse before it gets better. Keep your eye on the ultimate goal and try to minimize doing things that will hurt your future chances.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
C70 #2879178 01/07/20 03:43 PM
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I don't know why LBS think that dragging their feet on the D helps with the situation.

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Originally Posted by spoused2
I don't know why LBS think that dragging their feet on the D helps with the situation.


Because most LBSs fear D. Until they can turn it around and see that D is not a finality, they will continue to fear it, and do whatever they can do avoid it.


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spoused2,

I've been following your postings and have been wondering about your situation. How about starting a thread of your own so that we know what your situation is. We encourage new posters to start their own threads so that we become familiar with their situations and then we can post on their respective threads, I.e., just as we encourage them to visit other threads and post.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2879188 01/07/20 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by job
spoused2,

I've been following your postings and have been wondering about your situation. How about starting a thread of your own so that we know what your situation is. We encourage new posters to start their own threads so that we become familiar with their situations and then we can post on their respective threads, I.e., just as we encourage them to visit other threads and post.


I will. Once I get off moderation.

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Originally Posted by spoused2
Originally Posted by job
spoused2,

I've been following your postings and have been wondering about your situation. How about starting a thread of your own so that we know what your situation is. We encourage new posters to start their own threads so that we become familiar with their situations and then we can post on their respective threads, I.e., just as we encourage them to visit other threads and post.


I will. Once I get off moderation.

That would help you get off moderation.


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Actually, go ahead and set up a thread of your own. I'll put in the request to get you off moderation today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2879194 01/07/20 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by job
Actually, go ahead and set up a thread of your own. I'll put in the request to get you off moderation today.



Its not a requirement to have a thread however because of the mechanics of how it works it makes it easier for us to
get you off when you have a main thread.


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I totally agree w/Cadet. Also, by having a thread of your own, you can track your progress and those questions that you may have can be addressed on your thread and you can go back to your thread at any time to review the answers as you travel your own path.

Because of your comment about being on moderation and not starting a thread until you are off moderation, where you on this forum previously? The reason that I ask is that most posters do not care if they are still on moderation or not when they start a thread. If so, do you happen to remember your former posting name? I would be more than happy to do the research and bring your last posting up for the posters to read unless you have a new issue going on in your life.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Its like the movie When Harry Met Sally. Harry, watching his friends talk about moving in with each other, says "Helen (his exW) and I started like this. But then 10 years later you find yourselves fighting over this dish. This $5 dish will cost you $1000 talking to the law firm of That's Mine, This Is Hers!"


LOL! So true! Also reminds me of that photo of the two people on the floor of a divorce court splitting up their beanie baby collection one by one. All that focus on objects that a year or two later were completely worthless. I mean I fully support people trying to come to an equitable solution, it should not be skewed to one party at the expense of the other. But I read a quote somewhere years ago- "no party is made whole in divorce", and that is where people get tripped up. Some people think they should be "made whole" and restored to 100% income and ownership of belongings at the expense of their spouse. It just doesn't work that way, you've got to be willing to compromise and negotiate. Sometimes you are and your spouse isn't, and that's when mediation should be looked into.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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