Hi Chaz, fellow UK-er here. Sorry to hear about your situation.
The worst thing you can do is mind-read. It will drive you mad. What's she saying to others about me? What's she thinking? Does she miss 'us'? Stop it. I know it's hard to stop it. You want her to be crying into her pillow and missing you. Don't go there. As others have said, focus on yourself.
Good that you started counselling. I started in May and have finished end November. It was amazing. It will change you for the better and help you analyse and understand things you do in a lot of detail. Take it seriously and you will get lots out of it.
You cannot control her. Don't try. I tried with my W - didn't work. We're getting to a house sale stage, and she just needs ot apply for the decree absolute in a few weeks. Just control you - improve your outlook on life. DO things - you must have a list of a couple of things you wanted to do but couldn't, not because your W forbid you to do them, but because 'life' got in the way. Do those things now. Take your time with them, enjoy them. Catch up with old mates, even if it's just texting here and there. Put in lots of extra effort at work. And stay off Facebook - or if you must go on, hide your spouse from your newsfeed. Post on there when you're having a good time occasionally, say once a fortnight.
Don't stay at home and feel sorry for yourself. But do allow yourself to feel - anger, pain, hurt, etc. But don't show your spouse if at all possible.
The advice on this forum for me has been amazing. My story is by no means over. You will get lots of advice here. Take it all and consider everything. If you're going to write a letter or email, or have an important conversation planned, run it by here first.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Firstly Sandi2 - Thank you so much for the amazing thought you have put into responding to me. I have read it dozens of times today and i can't believe how much it resonates. In this period of introspection i have learnt a great deal about myself, particularly my passivity. I have been guilty of it and when i look back i recognise a lot of times where i have taken a back seat in our MR. That has been hard to reconcile with. In my letter to her, validating her feelings, recognising her reasons for wanting to separate i didn't place any pressure on her nor did i ask anything of her. Just wanted her to really know i understood. Not necessarily agree but understand nevertheless.
Something interesting - to me at least - is i believed she would read it and then destroy it or place in a draw - but its been a few weeks since i gave it to her and today whilst she was switching handbags for some event, i noticed she had been carrying it around with her. And she transferred it to her current bag. As others have cautioned, i am trying not to mind read, or question any behaviour but i guess i wondered about my belief of what she would do with it. Something or nothing, who knows right?!
DaB35 - I'm trying to GAL. I know i have let things slide. Only now i notice just how much. I have this internal battle in my head going on, trying to stop thinking about what has happened, what is happening with MR and forcing myself to focus on me. Another trait i've discovered about myself is that i try to please those around me, sacrificing my needs. Not that i see anything wrong with sacrifices, it shows a willingness to defer satisfaction but again have learnt by doing so my resentment would manifest in negative ways. This period has really opened my eyes to who i am, what i have allowed to accept in others as well as myself.
Today has been a test. We have talked about Christmas, and i said id rather talk face to face rather than over email. We have been having some really positive and quality family time lately and in recognition of that, I requested that we spend it together as a family. Her response was yes just the four of us. I left it at that. I didn't want to get drawn on anything else, and have since come to bed writing this!
So yes Sandi2 - You are right, as i walked away it was with a feeling that i should be doing something to demonstrate my commitment, my desire to change the status quo, to hug, to hold, just a touch - anything. But i let it go. I passed my own test, and told myself - You need to grow. You need to rediscover the real you.
Struggling with my thoughts today. I'm in a bit of turmoil as to what to do to help myself in this situation. We are both living under same roof, for my part because i want to keep the family together and for her part because i suspect she doesn't want to be seen as the person splitting the family apart.
My thoughts are that i should ask her to leave and find somewhere else in the new year (we have agreed Christmas will spent as a family), to allow us some space and if i'm honest i want her to feel the pain of what living with a split family will be like and all that entails. Harsh i know, but at the moment she is getting her cake and eating it. I meanwhile am trying to deploy and ingrain DB techniques, adopting LRT maintaining a cheerful demeanour. But inside i'm torn.
The other side to the coin, is i know i need to get away from her. Im constantly fighting a pining for her, whilst DB'ing and being around each other is worrying me that we will slip into friend zone. I don't want to be her friend. I'm not friends with any exes. I don't need her, but i want her. My worry is if i start looking for somewhere to rent (until either house is sold or unlikely as it maybe - we reconcile) , it places me at a disadvantage - i will be seen to be the one walking away. I'm in conflict with needing to let go to break the status quo - but at the same time maintain my rights and in my eyes show my kids that i'm not leaving THEM. That i'm fighting for them, me and everything else.
You can ask her to leave but you can't make her leave. You should not move out because you will regret it. IHS is tough but you have to try to detach the best you can and muscle through it.
Whatever you decide to do, do not move out. She is the one w/the problem, therefore she should be the one to move. Since Christmas is right around the corner, I would wait and have a discussion with her right after Christmas and advise her that things aren't working out and it's creating a lot of tension and stress in the home for your children. I would then suggest that maybe she needs to find a place to move to since she's unhappy being a wife and mother to her family. After that discussion, walk away and allow her to mull it over. You can still utilize the DB tactics while she's "out to lunch" and continue focusing on you and your children.
I had a very similar situation w/my xh 20 years ago. He was very unhappy and he had told me on December 1st that he was planning to move out after Christmas. The tension and stress were so thick that it made our lives a living h@ll trying to keep up appearances. I came home the next day from work and told him that he could leave and not wait until after Christmas. He sat up on the couch and cried like a baby and stated he didn't know what to do. I left him there and went about my business. He left on the 13th while I was at work, leaving everything behind but a few clothes. How did I feel about it? The tension was gone, but the holiday season was ruined for that year...but I can assure you, as the months went by, things got better in my home. No more walking on eggshells, I knew where the money was going, I didn't have to beg him to do things, etc. I never regretted opening the door and letting him know that I was okay if he left.
Bottom line, you have to take care of you and your children. The tension and stress are there and trust me, the kids are watching everything you say or do and wondering what is going on. There is no harm in opening the door as she is the one that will need to decide whether she steps over the threshold or stays in the home. Sometimes, we have to give the option of staying or going to them.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well the last couple of days has revealed a turnaround in W behaviour towards me. Last week i was reporting that time at home and around eachother was better, even fun , that family time with Kids was a togetherness. Now yesterday its back to coldness towards me, etc etc. My DB'ing is at work though, so i was kind of expecting it and not reacting. We just had an email exchange about what was happening over Christmas amongst day to day stuff.
Email exchange:
W - Re Brighton – I don’t think it’s fair on anyone to take kids down Boxing Day but wanted to ask whether you would mind if I took the kids Sunday down to Brighton and overnight, back on 23rd? I won’t see M&D down there as they are going Christmas Eve but I don’t particularly want to be whizzing back Christmas Eve either….
Me : I thought we had already agreed this was going to happen?
W : We hadn’t agreed Brighton, I said I didn’t think it was fair taking them Boxing Day and you didn’t say anything…..
Me: Maybe I’m mis -remembering, correct me If I’m wrong - Re Boxing day You mentioned 26th is when (her Brother) was having their Christmas Day so (his daughter) could be there. I then came back to you and said as you weren’t able to see your parents you could always go if you wanted to. You said no its probably not fair, then said ok maybe we’ll go down on the 22nd/23rd. I said of course no problem. This is what I meant by my understanding of what we had agreed upon.
W: Well my take on the conversation is very different but there you go. It’s fine – I didn’t think it was fair on you but anyway. I have asked (Her Brother) whether he would mind if we went down Sunday – if he can’t accommodate then we will go Boxing Day.
Me: I think its best from now on to keep agreements on e-mail then there is no room for a different take to be taken. Yes you are right it isn’t fair on anyone, but I also know its important for you and the kids to see family. I will never stand in the way of that – hence why I offered the opportunity to you.
I believe i was fair in my responses, maybe a little emotion, but not cold? However, nothing received since, which is usually a sign that she has been baiting me, and i haven't risen to it.
Is this an example of the pursuit/distancing at work? That she was getting comfortable with our time together, and perhaps she has shared this with her enablers (her Parents, and friends) and there is a definition that she is not in control and by returning to wantaway demeanor then its re-drawing a line in the sand?
Either way she has just copied me in on a mail with the mediation service to say that She and I have agreed for a date to be confirmed in January. (UK Mediation is usually devising a pragmatic approach (finances/Parenting plans, ect etc) to separation/divorce, not a reconciliation service at all) Whilst i'm not agreeing with mediation, i am not fighting it. If W wants this process then she does the leg work.
In preparartion to ask her to move out, i wonder if i should communicate this over e-mail?
I'm trying to find a way that expresses and recognises that being under the same roof is making things tense and stressful. That for our own mental health we change the status quo. I think the new year would be the best time, so the children don't associate this time of year with upheaval/upset etc. I want to word it so that it is clear to her that she should move out as she has brought about this sitch, but be mindful of being respectful to her role as a Mother. She is a great Mum, and i don't want to deepen any resentment towards me!
How have others living under the same roof approached this?
I've been reading numerous threads, each having a different story but ultimately similar behaviors. I've read No More Mr Nice Guy, on the recommendation of many on here and also, incidentally, my C. My goodness me it was like looking at myself in the mirror and finally seeing who i am, who i have become. I demonstrated so many NGS traits it was a real awakening. It answered why i've been so passive, not wishing to rock the boat everything that will ultimately diminish respect from a WAW.
And thats the thing, i have always felt my opinion doesnt matter, go with the flow kinda Guy. But the resentment built up and manifested in negative ways, often completely unrelated to the moment in time.
I have been GAL, i have been DB'ing but, having thought about it, with no real sense of purpose other than to get myself through this period.
Now i have my plan. I need and want to GAL, i need to and want to DB the hell out of everything. I need to stop the passiveness, to stand up for myself, make myself heard. Be a bit more self serving, care about my needs first. These are all things i can do, because i know they are there, they are all needs i have pushed away in favour of putting what i felt was other peoples needs first. So time to cut the resentment, this is day 1 of my journey.
Merry Christmas everyone! Today has been hard. Living IHS I knew today would be different but not as hard as it has been. Sleeping in separate rooms meant the kids didn’t pile in with their stockings. Instead it was awkward for them as they didn’t know who to see first. A moment that seems insignificant amongst 364 other days but huge on this day. In all honesty I struggled the whole day, I forgot about db’ing, 180s, LRT etc. The whole day I got caught up in the thinking that this is the last time for everything Christmas as a family. And it hurts. I miss my wife I miss my lover, I miss being able to just be with her, I miss everything. She gave me a hug, the first in 3 months since BD, it was all I could do to not fall apart. I’ve been longing for her touch, yet when she did I told myself it means nothing to her. That I remain alert to no expectations, no meaning, just nothing.
And this is my struggle, the counter intuitiveness of me wanting to say what my heart wants, whilst on the outside I guess sub consciously reacting in a cordial manner. No emotion etc.
Several times I had to take myself away to the garden to compose myself. I feel that I have taken 20 steps backwards, and fallen off the wagon so to speak. Can anyone relate? Or indeed give me a 2x4 to spin me out of this?!
What you are feeling is very normal for someone who is just starting out on this journey. It will be one step forward, two steps back. It is very difficult when you have an in house separation because they are around you most of the time and yet, they are like roommates.
You did the right thing by going to the garden to compose yourself. You will get no 2x4s from me today. This holiday is extremely difficult for those who are brand new to the world of the unknown.
All you can do is breathe and dig deeper for patience and just know that tomorrow will be just a wee bit better. Keep the focus on you and the children.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
