Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,165
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,165
Hi Kristin,

Thanks for posting on my thread. Im sorry you are here. I know how much it truly svcks. Your sitch is a real bummer, but not a unique one. The longer we read the forums, the easier it becomes to spot patterns and repeating themes. Its just different people involved. I live in a very diverse area and have several LGBTQ friends, and I think the dynamics of infidelity are quite similar in all types of relationships. I say that because I don't like to gender stereotype, but there are some differences. I do notice that two women in a romantic R tend to develop intense emotional connections faster than other types of Rs. Also I think that those same Rs can be more of a challenge to end or walk away from. Im not sure how much that matters, but it sounds like your WW is deeply connected to her OW, and that most likely is separate from her feelings for you. Her feelings for you both are not inversely proportional.

I am sorry to write this next part but I want you to really take this in: there is nothing you can do to change her feelings, break them apart or steal/win her back. I got caught up in those games myself and it simply won't work. I also tried to convince myself that I wasn't doing that and that I was letting go, detaching, etc, but I wasn't. I don't think you are either.

I have read most of this thread, but not your first thread. Im reading that you and your posters focusing a lot on the intentions of the WS (ie they are simply confused vs being manipulative, they are cake eating vs can't make up their mind, they are a psychotic sociopath vs a lost and loving soul, etc, etc). I would like to challenge all of you on your thinking and say that none of it matters. You are all doing this because the more you can come to understand your WS/WAS, the more sympathy you have for them and therefore the more you can allow their mistreatment of you in the guise that they are somehow still connected. to you. I am sorry but this doesn't work.

You can never know with 100% certainty what they are thinking, wanting, what their "true" intentions are, and ultimately what will happen in the future. It is impossible. Why? 1. Because mind reading never works and 2. They don't actually know themselves. Just like you, theyre constantly in a whirlwind of emotions, confused, and changing. So trying to figure this out only hurts you and it also holds you back from putting your energy into what you can control. You can control how you live your own life without them moving forward. A lot of people try and convince us they are doing that, only to post the next week they are just waiting in the wings for any table scraps. Then they read into said table scraps and attribute meaning to suit their own narrative. Stop doing that.

Kristin, I am going to be hard on you, and I am sorry for that but I want to help you. You sound a little pathetic. Do you feel that way? Is this the woman your W was initially attracted to? She is actively engaged in an ongoing A and breaking your heart and you are just waiting around for any little bit of attention or interest from her. That cannot feel very good. Does it? You see a big part, the only part, of dropping the rope, going dark and letting them be, is NOT TO PLAY GAMES AND WIN THEM BACK, but it is for you. For your own SELF PRESERVATION. Because you value yourself and only give your heart to people that know how to treat you. If you cannot do that, then you only attract people that walk all over you and don't respect you. She will continue to treat you this way until you start treating yourself better and find your own worth. How do you deserve to be treated?

My strong advise is to do a 180 on her. Drop the rope. Go dark. If she wants to text, call, beg, kick scream cry, promise to end it with OW, then fine. She can do whatever she wants, that is her problem. But take a good 3-6 months and take care of yourself, GAL like crazy, and find your own value again. You can simply tell her that you have decided you need time to think and to please give you space. Then you stick to your words. It won't be easy, but your only other alternative is to accept that your W is a cheater, loves OW and will come and go as she pleases. Right now you are teaching her that that is okay with you. If it's not, then you need to make big changes. You can do this.

Blu


Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon. Nelson Mandela
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 745
Likes: 1
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 745
Likes: 1
Hi Kristin -

I've been off the boards for a little while to regroup and rest, but I wanted to step in and offer you a few words of support.

I would suggest you continue to work on detachment. As Blu wisely said above, it is primarily for your protection, first and foremost. It forces you to focus on yourself alone, and remove any awareness of/involvement in whatever drama W is going through. It sounds like W is in emotional turmoil - and i kind of think that you really don't want to have to deal with all of that too, on top of your own rollercoaster of feelings and emotions. It's a lot to take.

Detachment sounds counterintuitive. It is. I've been DBing for almost 10 months now, in a sit that has persisted for 15 months. I have only just started to see some softening, some bits and pieces of awareness that all was not as terrible in my MR as I was told at BD.

This is a slow, crawling, patience-testing endeavor. It takes much much longer than any of us think it will take at the beginning. And there is no guarantee that it will have a positive outcome. That is the other side of detachment - it prepares us all for an outcome that might not be what we want.

Detachment is tricky sometimes. It doesn't mean being cold or rude - it just means letting WAS go. That's what WASes say they want - time and space, distance.

I am glad to hear that meditation is proving useful to you. smile I might not be here today if I had not thrown everything into meditation when I was at my lowest. Going more "Zen" has helped me to see the bigger picture - to step out of my own perspective and see that detached kindness and love will defeat momentary anger and hate, always. It is not always easy and it takes practice, but I am proof that it can calm anxiety and clear one's mind.

Stay strong and calm, Kristin, and keep yourself grounded.

Take care smile

Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
Blu,

Thank you for posting your thoughts. I can tell you really spent some time thinking about what you wrote. To answer your question, yes, I do feel pathetic. Your advice is spot on. AS & R2C (with others) have been adamant that I go dark as well. I have tried several times to do just that and I feel pathetic every time I fail so I am working towards being able to follow through the next time I say that I need space. It seems like many on here have WS's that are cruel and have rewritten history and mine is quite the opposite. It's so hard when WS's say everything that we want to hear. "When we get a house and are back together..." "When I'm a stay-at-home wife again and we're back together.." ETC...

I'm working to prepare myself for dropping the rope. I finally got an appointment with the only quality IC group in my area. I live in a rural setting and have tried a couple of counselors that gave no homework or feedback - talking to a wall would have been more productive. The waiting list for the practice was over 4 months long and I'm finally approaching my appointment in mid January. My personal goal is to get through the holidays and then, with the help of friends here and IC, move forward with going dark.

Right now it is a rollercoaster I want to exit. I am out of barf bags and it's not a fun ride. Lately, I am tired of this pretend relationship in which we talk all the time, see each other often, but aren't "together". It leaves me feeling unattractive and rejected. I want a commitment, not a friend. It scares me because I don't even know if I could move through all of this pain even if she wanted to come back. I don't believe she will ever be strong enough to leave OW and will insist upon a friendship and for obvious reasons I would not be comfortable with that. I think she has convinced herself that since "we're not together", she isn't cheating and/or isn't betraying anything. I also hate that all of her house and personal stuff has stickers and decorations from the OW's place of business (gag).

I will read and re-read your post Blu. Thank you for offering such thoughtful advice and cutting straight to the heart of it.



IW,

I hope you are rejuvenated and have had a smooth return! Thanks for stopping by on my thread and I will definitely catch up on yours. And yes, the meditation is great when anything feels overwhelming. It's amazing how a few deep breaths and focusing on blocking everything swirling in your mind can help to re-center your thoughts.

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,559
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,559
Kristin ~

Blu nailed it.

Originally Posted by BluWave
I would like to challenge all of you on your thinking and say that none of it matters. You are all doing this because the more you can come to understand your WS/WAS, the more sympathy you have for them and therefore the more you can allow their mistreatment of you in the guise that they are somehow still connected. to you. I am sorry but this doesn't work.

Now, work on removing mind-reading her from your life. Carve out that headspace for YOU and what you want. You will feel a whole lot better when you aren't wasting precious emotional energy trying to figure her out, and instead focus that energy on you. It may feel like a huge burden is lifted (or at least you can throw out the barf bags!)

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,165
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,165
I know calling you pathetic is cruel. I write that because I know from experience that it feels pathetic to remain so attached to someone that is walking all over you. It degrades your last shred of self worth. What I am trying to get you to understand is that this is not her doing. It is yours. People only treat us the way we allow them to. And this most likely started before her A began.

It doesn't matter what her reasons are, if she is kind to you, or if she talks about the future as if you two are together. None of that matters. You, like all of us, are just looking for hope. Because you don't want to let go. You can only accept the facts and that is that you are not together and she is with someone else. That is it. You have got to decide that any crumbs or table scraps that she throws you is not good enough. You want a committed W that respects you and treats you as such and that is it.

I think that is great that you have a good IC in the near future. But please do not fool yourself into thinking that letting go of your W will be any easier with IC than it is now. Please do not put this off any longer. With every passing day that you hope for her return, look for signs and accept her stringing you along, you erode your sense of self more and more. You are withering away right now. You don't have to live this way. You can choose right now in this moment that you are worth more than being crapped on, lied too, and saved as a plan B. She might say or act as if she loves you, but really, she is playing you. You are the fool in this by accepting it, not her.

You don't have to make this into some drama and make a grand proclamation. In fact it is better if you don't and do so with actions. You can gently tell her that you have been doing a lot of thinking and you need to make some changes in your life and to please give you some space. Then you focus 100% on you. SHUT HER OUT, BECAUSE SHE IS TOXIC FOR YOU. This is not a game and not to win her back. What are you waiting for?

Then you GAL GAL GAL. SELF CARE and surround yourself with positive people that support you. It really is the only way to learn to value you yourself again. Then, and only over time, you will attract people that value you the same way. That may or may not be her. By then, it won't matter anymore.

Post here your personal successes every day. Let us help celebrate you. This is not about her anymore.

Blu


Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon. Nelson Mandela
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Hi Kristin,

Sending hugs. Our spouses S*CK. And, it sounds like actually yours has what mine wants... maybe thinking of it that way is a different perspective?
I'll send you back some things you (and others) have sent to me that have helped:
- you don't deserve this, you deserve a full R with a committed W
- you are the the prize
- you can only control yourself, you can't control her... and since you didn't break her, you can't fix her.

I'm thinking of you and am here for you. Same thing you told me on my thread... post here if you need help.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
Haha OMG May, you're so right! Your H wants the happy fantasy friendship in which he gets to live next door, come and go as he pleases, have you as a bestie and his OW as his girl. It's an interesting perspective to think about. I'll catch up with you on yours but good job DBing like a boss lady!

Blu,

I know you have heard this from many posters, but you have a way of giving advice and wisdom that cuts straight to the heart of the matter. I'm grateful. I am so much stronger than when I first started posting here and I have much more self worth as a result. Yes, at times, I definitely FEEL pathetic. But those are feelings and aren't my truth. I know what I have to offer the world and I'm proud of what I'm doing in life. You're 100% right that I should shut her out. You're also correct in calling many of us out for not really detaching and letting go. I know that I definitely haven't been truly detaching. It's a work in progress.

In other news, ww called this afternoon and mentioned that she isn't going to join me for our family Christmas as originally planned. She said that she is ashamed to be around my mom and family as they know about our sitch. She said she wants to go back to seeing them when we are back together and that she didn't feel right going in for Christmas and receiving gifts. That she wants to earn back the right to join our family and work on getting to that point. All of this just to share with ya'll a little victory - I just said "Ok smile If that's what you feel you need to do I can understand."

Cheers!
KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
Happy Monday fellow DBers. Unfortunately, I came down with the flu last week and have been MIA. Finally feeling a bit better (thank heavens). Not much to update on my end - still failing at detachment but overall have been in good spirits and have made plans for two nights this week for dinner with friends. I'll catch up on everyone's threads soon.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,669
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,669
Originally Posted by KristinG
Happy Monday fellow DBers. Unfortunately, I came down with the flu last week and have been MIA. Finally feeling a bit better (thank heavens). Not much to update on my end - still failing at detachment but overall have been in good spirits and have made plans for two nights this week for dinner with friends. I'll catch up on everyone's threads soon.


Haha I had to lol. But here's the catch, you can't fail if you aren't trying. You'll get there. I think you don't notice your progress because you're in the trenches. You're progressing, so keep going! Hope you're feeling better soon.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
Ovr,

Man I love this shiz!
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
But here's the catch, you can't fail if you aren't trying. .


Thanks for the words of encouragement and the lols! I have spent a few days GALing like a madwoman. I had a good friend tell me that "maybe ww and I were just meant to be friends in the end". She told me this several months ago and at the time I was hurt and angry at the statement. It has stuck with me, and lately, I have pondered the same. Don't get me wrong, I am obviously still in love with her and attached and all of that super fun stuff. BUT, the thought has crossed my mind that I don't know if I / we could ever move past all of the trauma. Furthermore, would I want to try again with someone that could so easily walk away? These musings don't hurt as much to think about anymore and I'm planning to spend some time in self reflection letting them marinate.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard