Back to sleeping arrangements. I'd love to follow R2Cs advice and just hop in to bed before W. The roadblock is D4 and S1 whom need a full bedtime routine, soothing etc. I'd have to neglect them and leave all duties on W to get them to bed. If I'm getting S1 to sleep, W is taking D4 in to the actual MBR bed. If I hop in and an argument occurs, D4 is right there.
Commit to not arguing. It takes two argue.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Dude and dudettes, I'm being killed here. Do you have any more advice on the above or the following? Here's whats murdering me today. My parents went through a similar situation albeit when I was older. I couldnt forgive my parent who strayed. My W knows about this and said she'd never do the same. I've suffered massive loss in my family, basically just had two close relative left by the age 23. My best friend died in our teens. I just started therapy for ptsd and anxiety for these issues when W dropped the bomb.
Core ~
I defer to vets like R2C on gaining back respect on how to handle the MBR situation.
I understand how hard this is. Many of us here have a history of family difficulties. I also have anxiety. I am estranged from my parents currently. I feel abandoned by some of the closest people in my life too. I lack trust. This stuff is brutally hard. Keep working at it and things will get better.
Originally Posted by Core
I am trapped! ... I feel forced to sit here and become my Ws friend for the kids. All knowing she is going to abandon the marriage at anytime. Whenever her agenda is complete. I've got no power here and none I can take back at least I feel that way. Im struggling mentally knowing I lost my W, my dreams and most of what made me happy. ...This is a living h3ll or at least purgatory.
What do you do after the kids go to sleep? GAL can be as simple as reading a book by yourself or exploring a new hobby at home.
You are in control of your own happiness. Nobody else.
Limbo is really hard. The anxiety kicks in and you just want to do something, anything to *resolve* the situation. It's easy to get stuck in logistical/rational thought and start spinning.
If you feel the anxiety spinning you up, keep posting here. The best thing I have found (for me at least) is to recognize my anxiety is high, and just tell myself to do NOTHING. Eventually the anxiety subsides a bit and I can think more clearly. I don't trust my brain in a heightened state.
I don't know what to tell you about the specifics of your kids and childcare, etc. One thing common to most limbo situations is that the problem will be here tomorrow also. And the next day. And the day after that. So you may as well work on yourself. It's hard to get started. You will get the hang of it. It might not be enjoyable all the time, but the work is worth it. I thought my life was over 6 months ago. I still wish my MR was recoverable. But dammit I am going to be happy no matter what happens.
Vets out there, do you have more guidance you can share for my situation in my last past? I read something in another thread from Starsky about fighting for the R for 3-4 months. I did for maybe 3 weeks before DBing. Maybe I should still be fighting, still having the R chats.
U, wow, we can relate is so many ways with this. Really sorry for all you've dealt with. If the S in all of our lives really knew how committed we are to fixing things, I wonder if they'd reconsider. The worst part of limbo here, is if W is talking to OM which seems likely, I'm completely enabling it and she has 0 negative impact for her actions less maybe guilt if she even has any, anymore.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
The first thing I want to say is I am so sorry you are going through this right now.
Right not you are operating under what is known as the "illusion of action". You think that if you preform the correct act, relationship talk, pursuing, gifts, letters that she is going to realize how much you love her and end her affair and come running back to you and beg for forgiveness. It doesn't work that way. It's also common for a new LBS to dig around in old threads and look for excuses to try other things when what they are doing isn't perceived to be working.
Just browsing through your posts I can see that you are a control freak and this feeling of helplessness is making you spin out of control. You need to try to keep your mind of your sitch as best as you can. Excercisie, visit friends and family. Unfortunately there is no quick way out. Stay strong!
Thank you LH19 for the honesty. Glad to hear it for what it is.
All, I have solid evidence. EA is definitely continuing to happen and our joint account just took a huge hit. I think she bought EA a phone, or one for herself. I only have one option right? Divorce my W and mess up D4, S1s lives permanently? What are suggestions here?? Truly need some good advice. I'm about to confront.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
So much shame. She's out buying my family xmas gifts as if she wasn't destroying us all emotionally and spiritually. My daughter is going to learn from this woman. I am beyond betrayed right now. I pretty much knew it was happening but held out hope. Now if finances are being hammered I have to betray my own morals to protect myself. How is this supposed to be amicable now?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I didnt have an R talk but i asked why her CC bill was high as our account is low in funds and if she purchased a phone as she was hinting at buying one in the past. She got angry, disrespectful and defensive. I validated where I could. She told me shes no longer buying presents for my family so I can control the finances which I didnt ask for. She assured me that a "phone or anything else I'm suspecting" didnt get purchased. I asked her what she meant by that and she said it's to clarify anything I may be thinking.
Time to go dark in my own house? I have no plan, my hands are tied. I guess I schedule mediation and see if she goes? Or am i supposed to let this EA continue for weeks, months, years until she makes a move?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
