Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Gerda]

Thanks, Grace, Job, Kml and DnJ, for all the viewpoints!

As usual having to leave details out is confusing this for you all and limiting your ability to advise.

If you know where I live, you can understand that taxes and fees are the size of the GDP of a small country and that the average local price per square foot times 700 is the same.

I didn't give H the details of how I calculated the amount. I just gave him the amount, but I hoped he had worked with someone to calculate what he would get if we actually sold everything so that he could see how much higher my offer was than what he would make selling it at an inflated price. I figured out what he would get if we sold the place at 30% above appraisal -- since I couldn't match that price, we would actually have to sell, and he would earn less than if he sold his share to me at appraisal minus debts with no taxes/fees. And, yes, DnJ, 14 percent more than my pie-in-the-sky 30% more is again the GDP of a small country. We do not live on the outskirts of a small rural town in Canada! The amount he wanted was 75% of the appraised value of the house. Our mortgage and other debts are literally half the appraised value of the house, so via a sale, he would get 25% of the appraised value, less all taxes, brokers fee, etc. And again, we are talking huge numbers here. I make very little salary and the sale would end the rental income, so I would never get approved for any mortgage after this. Without our rentals, I will have to work full-time and no more flexible schedule for my kids -- which means most likely my son will stop going to school entirely.

If I lose, I will of course make a new life and we will find happiness. But keeping my life as is is what is best for my kids, that is why I am trying to do this. And I finally qualifed for the refinance application, so I started that. I think H doesn't believe I will ever get the refi so it might help if I am ready to write him a check!

In the end, I asked my L about the risk of my motion failing. He said we would revert to the bad stip. If I win, all issues are back on table at trial. If I lose on some or all of my motion,probably at least child support would have to be heard at trial because that part was not in compliance with the law. I already have the bad stip and I did gain via my motion that he can't return to the house and that all the money I pay him each month is coming out of his ED. So I really have nothing to lose by waiting to see what the judge says. Even if I lose the motion entirely, then the trial will only be about his getting alimony and me covering his legal fees. He could not get either of those things, it is an MLC pipe dream. So the only thing I have to fear, I realized, is fear itself.

So I told my lawyer to sit tight, prepare our response to H's contempt of court motion (that is a whole other long and amazing story of how we are proving I am not in contempt but I had better not take the time nor say the details) and be ready to defend my motion. Then if I lose both, I just have to keep remembering not to have any pride about it but just to keep my eye on my goals and do what I can to reach them through this thick forest of MLC insanity and delusions. I mean, the MLCer can't even do MATH! The least subjective subject there is!!!!

DnJ, as usual your glass is most most full half full glass I ever encountered. Or mug of coffee with heavy cream. It's a good point that there was some negotiation but my dad pointed out that the number was so insane that it was obvious H wanted to NOT end this but just keep it going forever. I will I could tell you the numbers so you would understand but I had better not. But I will try to see it as an opening and not as a closing door.

[DnJ]

So the only thing I have to fear, I realized, is fear itself.

I mean, the MLCer can't even do MATH! The least subjective subject there is!!!!

I love math. Always have.

I wish I could tell you the numbers so you would understand but I had better not.

Lol. I have a pretty good idea. $xxxxxxx.xx

DnJ, as usual your glass is most most full half full glass I ever encountered.

You know, for a while I thought there was something wrong with me. Too optimistic. Too hopeful. Me seeing the possibilities and focusing on the positives.

I even tried to dial it down, to be more pessimistic. Tried to fit in. That just didn’t work. It doesn’t feel right.

So I embraced it. Come here future - you and I got stuff to do.

84 problems I suppose.

DnJ

[OwnIt]

Gerda, I'm wondering if you have ever heard of Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist. She wrote a book that I read when OD first left that helped me very much. I came across a quote from it today and wanted to mention it to you. The book is called "When Things Fall Apart."

"The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face. When we feel resentment because the room is too hot, we could meet the heat and feel its fieriness and its heaviness. When we feel resentment because the room is too cold, we could meet the cold and feel its iciness and its bite. When we want to complain about the rain, we could feel its wetness instead. When we worry because the wind is shaking our windows, we could meet the wind and hear its sound. There is no cure for hot and cold. They go on forever. After we have died, the ebb and flow will still continue...Being able to appreciate, being able to look closely, being able to open our minds - this is the core of loving kindness."

[Gerda]

Hi, Own -- Thank you for the beautiful quote and for thinking of me.

I am sure I go to meet heat and cold and rain and wind. Lately I have noticed how much I enjoy my life and I have noticed that everything seems like an adventure, even hard things, in all other areas. But not D. Not the endless battle and the endless waste of money for nothing except to let H spin his delusions out in court. I think I am a little tired of having no time (and sometimes no energy) left after spending so much time spinning my wheels in H's MLC divorce mud. And I don't think even Chodron would be able to just appreciate and look closely at endless opposition papers and motions from an endlessly deranged mind, the endless screaming.

I think you can appreciate my longing to leap off this gerbil wheel, I think you have the same longing from your wheel with your H's refusal to finalize your D. I mean, surely you aren't telling yourself to meet his endless refusals and feel it, but maybe you are when you say that you are grabbing the popcorn.

The thing is that in Christianity there is a value judgement against evil. It isn't just an ebb and flow. It's an out and out armored battle. I don't want to appreciate any aspect of the divorce process or to observe it without judgement. It is evil and to me that is a fact. I don't want to allow it to become a subjective truth in my mind even if that is a form of peace. I just want to pray that God gives me that peace beyond understanding, if I lean on God, trust God, despite the evil around me.

But I do love the quote and love that you posted it for me. THANK YOU!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

Full throttle heaven - I like that. It is possibly more fitting than you realize. I’m considering expanding on that idea. However, this morning your post stirred a response within me.

The thing is that in Christianity there is a value judgement against evil. It isn't just an ebb and flow. It's an out and out armored battle. I don't want to appreciate any aspect of the divorce process or to observe it without judgement. It is evil and to me that is a fact. I don't want to allow it to become a subjective truth in my mind even if that is a form of peace. I just want to pray that God gives me that peace beyond understanding, if I lean on God, trust God, despite the evil around me.

What if that kind of subjective truth is the peace God wants for you? Is offering for you?

The business of divorce - yes fight for what you need and want to. There is much life ahead of you and your children. Financial security and protection is needed.

The other side of this - The accepting of H’s truth; The accepting, and altering, of your truth - Isn’t part of the business deal gone sideways.

In the out and out armoured battle, the armour is the light of God. Faith, compassion, forgiveness. Fighting begets fighting.

We aren’t here to judge others. God does that. We forgive our trespassers. That’s not becoming a doormat. You can still have boundaries, stand tall and strong, and hold your head up high.

The true victory in the fight against evil is forgiving it. Losing our fear, understanding our adversary, finding compassion for them, all leads to that forgiveness.

Do you remember my car getting hit on the highway? I was found 50% at fault. My friends at work are still upset about that, “how dare that guy get away with that”. Lol. I did lose the fight, and won the war. I forgave him long ago. He doesn’t have any mental or emotional real estate within me. XW is the same kind of thing - just a much much bigger story to be told.

H is not evil. He is deeply troubled and lost. What you’re fighting (outside of the business deal) is you.

What do imagine I would do if I met your H? How would I react to his screaming and yelling? His projecting upon the world?

Am I cloaked in my armour of light stating “I’m sorry you feel that way” ? Or am I more in his face?

I do empathize with your feelings regarding divorce and it’s process. It’s about control. What can you control? You cannot stop this. You can steer this process a bit, and ensure you get the best deal for you and your kids.

What can you control? You!

The inner you. That’s where your victory awaits.

What do you imagine yourself doing if you met my XW?

Are you happy with that? Proud of that imagined response from you? If not, change it.

Imagination is the first step in creation.

You want peace, despite the evil around you.

I want that for you as well.

And you know where I am.

Perhaps you and I are both walking a similar path.

Imagine that.

DnJ

[Gerda]

I couldn't answer this yet, DnJ, partly because I don't have a single minute between working and endless endless court and lawyer battles, but partly because I am just so tired. I agree with most of what you said. And if saw your XW I would say something for sure to her -- not to tell her what to do. I would talk about what a great man you are in every single way and how I couldn't understand anyone leaving a man like that or not wanting him to love and take care of her until the day she dies. I would tell her I am praying that she wakes up before you move on and I would tell her that you are so incredible that I think you would forgive her enough to open your heart to her again. Not because it would do more than maybe plant a tiny seed but because I want to speak truth. I am sure MLC has always existed, but I think our modern culture with all it's respect for subjective truth makes us all respect politeness more than truth, and that the mechanization of divorce allows a completely crazy person to not only leave his/her family but strip them of everything for years and cost them tens of thousands in legal fees just to keep from being entirely destroyed.

Which yes, is about me via your story. But here is a good place to suck eggs if you do anything but give me a hug right now. It has been raining for days and my H becomes more monstrous with every passing one. And lest you think it's something I am doing -- he says no to everything. I am starting to realize he wants to destroy me more than he wants money, something I never imagined.

[DnJ]

((((Gerda)))))

I like what you would say to XW. I’m pretty sure she would not like it one bit. Lol.

I do agree we have sacrificed truth for political correctness, and I figured we would have a further discussion on subjective truth.

What about objective truth. It of course exists, the dispassionate logical reasoned approach clearly devoid of any personal feelings or opinions. The scientific or mathematical proof would be a pretty good example.

But people don’t add up like numbers. They are subjective. Even with objective reality facing them - the flat earth believers come to mind.

All I am illustrating is H has a different view, a different truth, than you. I’m not suggesting you need to believe him; very much not; just accept that he sees it differently. Believes it differently.

Can you hold more than one view point in your mind? Can you see H’s point of view and still believe and have faith?

The interesting thing is that they’re not mutually exclusive. Understanding someone else, an adversary, an enemy, an evil; that understanding allows us to grow in faith and strength. The best way to strip evil of its power and hold, is to understand it.

And as unbelievable as this may sound, once you understand, really understand, you’ll have compassion and empathy, and see it’s not a matter of right or wrong, true or false. You find peace.

All that probably sounds rather far from your reach at the moment. Your H is broken and clearly a lost soul. He has said no for so long now; it hard to figure out what it is he wants. Destroying you does seem to be more important to him than money. I’m trying to think how that could be leverage in this situation. I’ve got some vague ideas, but it’s late, if anything actually coalesces I’ll pass it on.

H is an angry one, keep it business, and at arm’s length.

Here one more hug. (((Gerda)))

It sounds like you could use it.

DnJ

[DnJ]

To: A special gal

Happy Valentines Day

From: Guess who

[Gerda]

I really liked your Valentine, DnJ. I wrote a long reply but then I wanted to edit it and never even posted it. Must be on my computer somewhere.

I am writing to my DB friends to request a hug. I had such a horrifying day in court. We may be near a settlement and it's basically what I offered all along except I have to allow him to market the house in order to buy time and in order to get him down to reality about what he can actually get for it. I am hoping that by the time he is done with the marketing effort, I will have a refi in place. Like I said from the beginning of this nightmare, we can save all the money on lawyers and just skip to the end but he refused. So I spent the last year and a half getting beaten up and wasting money on lawyers. Lord did I make a lot of mistakes in my legal journey. I think we need a sticky for that, though again as I always say, you can't listen to anything here until you are ready to listen and that is usually after you already got burned.

I have a very terrible judge and I never filed motions or anything to bring my kids' story and my story into play, I just kept desperately trying to settle -- that is, after the year it took me to accept H wasn't going to drop the D and return. (Yeah, I know, I know.) But today H's L was up to his usual domination of everything and my L was silent so I started to fidget and then kept whispering to my L to say something. It was PTSD of the day I signed the bad agreement because my last L was silent that day too. The judge started yelling at me not to talk to my lawyer, and then later my lawyer told me that my fidgeting p!ssed her off and that my H was able to be more stoic. He said, "Judges like people who say yes." I couldn't believe it. I said, "You are there to advocate for me, and I was advocating for my children. I can't say yes just because the judge wants me to." This L is new to my case and didn't see the many days before this when I was still ad silent and my H stormed out of the court with his dyed-blond hair plugs flowing in the breeze or the many times he piped up -- and even today at one point he said, "Can I say something?" and started up before his L shouted, "NO!"

I really struggled today with the way that no one in that court room knows the truth, and that the actual narrative of what happened here or what is going on with my kids has never come into play because I got custody in the beginning. This man isn't even being required to pay child support until the house is closed on, the judge isn't even pushing for a child support agreement that follows the law!!!! His L has been so aggressive with their false narrative that the judge seems to actually believe it at this point and does literally nothing to try to make things fair for me and the kids, I think because she thinks I am secretly hiding money.

At one point I sort of blanked out, when we were waiting between times, and found myself standing next to H saying, "Why? Why? Why are you doing this?" I kind of woke up in that moment and he was looking at me with such violent hatred. I don't even remember what he said but it was something like, "You don't even know yourself, just get away from me, you don't know what you are talking about."

I made it out alive and we may be close to an agreement but I had to get battered on every side. My new L knows the law better but he couldn't really dig me out of what I signed, and he is a very cold person, so I certainly don't feel like he is protecting me much, or helping me be effective. But I guess it's almost over.

Today my Christian values drowned in a sea of anger and a longing for revenge. I am sure I will get past it but just for today, I am so mad that no one knows the truth about H.

I am collecting virtual hugs today. So be generous with those parentheses.

What I do when I feel like this is I go to my church and I literally lie on the altar in the dark and cry my head off. So here I go.

[OwnIt]

Gerda, sorry that this is continuing to be such a struggle. It will come to an end and then you can focus on all the good stuff. Maybe you needed to see this side of him to really be able to let go.