Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Gerda]

That they know you have a support group is one thing, but names are a bit dangerous. Because I knew a few on-line names my H used for various blogs, I easily found them through a basic internet search. Heck, your D10 could even do it. Just be careful.....

Why is getting a new lawyer tied to going to trial? Why can't you just switch lawyers and address the outstanding issues? Perhaps I missed a few posts about this along the way.

Looking forward to the 26th. On that day, let's post on my thread if there are any problems with getting together (my plane is late, for example). It will be easy to check the forum from my phone rather than leave a note at the venue.

Hiya, Grace -- I have never told them my on-screen name but I didn't think of giving a fake name to DnJ.

Honestly I have nothing to hide from H. I have never said anything here I would not say to his face if I weren't no contact (no contact because of there being no point in saying anything to his face!).

The answer to your L question -- basically, I either proceed with the deal I have, or I make a motion to back out of it because of being coerced into it, and that would difficult to do without asserting that I can't trust my L anymore. Also I don't trust my L anymore! He is totally beaten down and has no fight in him. He doesn't seem to be addressing anything except surrender to every demand L's lawyer forces down my throat. He tried to prove to me that he is fighting for me by telling me he screamed at H's L and called him a fat f--. But he has never filed a single motion to actually get some leverage in this dang thing.

I met with another L today. He gave me the case for not backing out and the case for backing out. He was not pushy at all, if anything he dissuaded me by reminding me many times that it's a possible but uphill and that I screwed up by signing such a terrible deal. I asked a million questions so that I could have the info I need to decide tonight. I am leaning towards hiring him and backing out. He also said that the part about child support in the agreement is easily dismissed because it doesn't follow child support guidelines and is therefore null and void. The rest would be about the coercion. The e-mails from H he said would help support that. He said there is no guarantee that the judge, esp the one I have, will grant the motion,but that at minimum it would hold things up for a few months and might force H to negotiate because he would finally have something to lose. And if the motion doesn't work, I'd just be back with the current agreement. So it seems worth a gamble, even just for the extra child support I might get. Certainly I don't think my current L knows enough about real estate issues or children so even just to negotiate the rest of this deal it might be worth having this guy though he is more expensive.

I don't know, it is all awful! But I think I need the leverage of a motion to start, and the spectre of a trial if that motion works.

At minimum, I realized this -- I have been led by two things up until now. One is fear. Fear of screaming and fear of the judge or whomever else thinking I was wrong. The other is fear that if I fully participated in being more aggressive in this process, H would never be able to come back, that I would no longer be Noble Gerda. I think for the first year I even thought if I delayed long enough, he would wake up. I am being fully honest with myself now, looking back at everything. That was a part of it for me. And still is. I do not want to let myself become too inwardly ugly, and it is confusing when you are fighting for your kids. If I had no kids, I think I would have just signed anything and started a new life. But with kids, I wanted to do it all -- keep this place that will pay for their college education and allow me to still be a full time mom, keep leaving a door open for H's return and not sully myself too much. That's what kept me weak and confused. I don't think I am confused anymore. I think I know I have to fight. Now I am just trying to choose the most likely gamble.

And that sounds good about the 26th plan.

XO

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I never thought about a fake name for my fake name either.

Told my D10 about it a little -- she asked if we could meet DnJ and I told her that actually I was meeting someone from "my group" in real life.

Awe. <sniff>

What a sweet girl.

I have been led by two things up until now. One is fear. Fear of screaming and fear of the judge or whomever else thinking I was wrong. The other is fear that if I fully participated in being more aggressive in this process, H would never be able to come back, that I would no longer be Noble Gerda.

I like your looking within.

Ah, fear. It looks like it’s about to loose it’s grip on you.

You already got screaming and a judge giving you what for. And of course H thinking your wrong. Bah, who cares! They can suck eggs! (Hahaha still love that. Don’t know why). Oh yeah, where was I. So that fear is not near as big as once it seemed.

The next fear, H coming back and Noble Gerda. Do you feel these are tied together? That you must be noble for there to be a chance for H’s return?

I think you are seeing beyond that now. Seeing passed the irrational coupling of those. H’s possible return is mostly decided from his path, not your’s.

Also seeing that it is just business. Understanding that you can still be noble and a beacon while protecting you and your kids. Aggressive doesn’t automatically equate to vindictive. Aggressively defending or protecting someone, even one’s self, is pretty noble IMHO. Of course me, my steed, and my shinny armour... no wait...it a green cape. Right, almost forgot. Besides capes are lighter, and cleaning up after horse would be such a chore.

I think I may have lost some of my point in all that.

Gerda, it sounds like you are making a decision on backing out of the deal. Also I like that you are looking at getting a different lawyer. From what he said you signed a poor deal, and worse case you end up right here again. You know your situation best, and this doesn’t sound like too bad a gamble. You know I support you in this. Get mantle sized DnJ out. This is just business and I always encourage listening to one’s lawyer.

Take care

Fred
Bob
Sam
Mark
Rick
Ken
Sean
Copernicus

DnJ

[Gerda]

Ah, fear. It looks like it’s about to loose it’s grip on you...

Fear has not lost the grip yet but I am starting to battle it.

Like yesterday when I was literally fielding texts from my STBX L about an 11th hour half deal while I was filling out the retainer for the new L, running outside to call my best friend to agonize over what to do (fire or not fire) and finally took the plunge and signed with new lawyer. After I did it, I felt good for an hour, then the fear took hold, hard. I was able to look at it a little and realize that now that I had followed what I thought was best for my kids, I was overcome with feelings of shame and worthlessness. Hello there, Inner Child! So I sat wit that and slowly it went away until this morning when I felt like I had made the right choice and didn't need to apologize for doing what I thought was best for the kids -- and me.

In the afternoon I got word from my new L that H's L had sent him a letter with first paragraph of welcome and second paragraph saying he would be filing for contempt tomorrow. Happy Holidays! I spiraled into panic and fear and then I remembered that this is all to be expected, and all I have to do is weather it, and the worst case scenario is more screaming from judge and me having to follow the bad agreement instead of dismissing it.

The next fear, H coming back and Noble Gerda. Do you feel these are tied together? That you must be noble for there to be a chance for H’s return?

I think you are seeing beyond that now. Seeing passed the irrational coupling of those. H’s possible return is mostly decided from his path, not your’s.

Nice try, Fred Bob Sam Mark Rick Ken Sean Copernicus Shadrach Vassilly Tutenkhamen Gilgamesh Odin Fake DnJ, and I love your line about a return being decided from his path and not mine but we are a looooooooooooong way away from that irrational coupling being consciously uncoupled. I may be able to see it in the old brain but the cellular memory has a loooooooooong way to go. And I still can't help but notice that my path can stay relatively straight or it can amble so far off into the blackberries that no path of H's would ever lead him to a place where he could find me.

[SBJ]

Gerda, sorry you are still in the thick of it, but I can honestly say that it does get better. It just stinks that you are still dealing with the batchitcraziness.

I hope that the reason for the season sets in soon for you and that you are able to have a wonderful Christmas with the rest of your family. May God bless you and yours this season!!!

SBJ

[DnJ]

Merry Christmas Gerda

May your holiday season be blessed and peaceful and continue into the new year.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Merry Christmas to all my friends here, and to those following along who have stayed silent... Here is a Christmas poem I love very much, a present to all of you. Another possible title for my thread in this poem -- "With the voices singing in our ears, saying that this was all folly....." XO from Gerda

The Journey Of The Magi
by T.S. Eliot

A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.’
And the camels galled, sorefooted, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
and running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water-mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arriving at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you might say) satisfactory.

All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

[job]

Gerda,

How about an update?

[SBJ]

Gerda...checking on things and wanted to wish you a Happy New Year! I would have waited until tomorrow, but I know my schedule won't allow any free time.

I pray that God guides us where we all need to be in 2020!!!

[DnJ]

Happy New Year’s Eve Gerda

I’m not sure what the new year will bring; I don’t have 20/20 vision.

Wishing you the best.

DnJ

[Gerda]

SBJ, thank you so much for the TWO check-ins, WOW. Even just one really warmed my heart, but two was undeniably wonderful and I read both several times though I could not bring myself to post lately. I always remember you in my prayers at Mass and will do so tonight!

Likewise DnJ, as usual thank you for always thinking of me and checking in on me and being PRESENT even in your non-presence.

And you too, Job! I was really touched that you wanted an update!

I am in a period of deep reflection and not really up for posting an update just now -- I think seeing Grace in person had some effect on me of feeling that on-line is too distant and also I am just reflecting and praying a lot in silence -- but wanted to send you all love and best wishes for 2020. I will pop in later with an update about new lawyer and the motion to pull out of the deal as I have court on Tuesday. It was definitely the right choice to switch even though the judge may not accept my request to rescind; I at least have someone who is actually advocating for me and the kids and has strategies for doing so. If it doesn't work, I will at least know that I tried to do all that I could.