Gerda,

The description of what your h was like and what you did for him...well...that is very much what I experienced. Yes, there was mental illness on his mother's side of the family. As for his father, well...he would lie and steal from God if he could. He was a serial cheater and he used women for what he could get out of them, i.e., a place to live and would spend all of their money and once the money was gone...so was he.

My xh was always saying that he was not like his father and he didn't suffer from any type of mental illness. Well, when MLC hit, he became his father to the letter. I often suspected that my xh was mildly depressed, but could never put my finger on it as he hid his feelings well. He never reacted to things the way that most people would...he would always have this straight face and nothing seemed to faze him.

I chose to honor my marriage vows and I had accepted him for who he was...but when MLC hit, he became a totally different person, very selfish, entitled, liar, thief and a cheater. He attempted to bully me at every turn, he threatened to cut my phone service when my 81 year old father just had hip replacement surgery, he stole packages of items that I had ordered, he sent me threatening email/letters all of the time, etc. So, I do know what you have been and continue to go through. I tried so very hard to get the divorce wrapped up in a year, but he continued to nit pick and then one day, I finally told my lawyer to cease all work and that if he truly wanted this divorce (since he filed), he would finally get some b*lls and step up to the plate and get the divorce moving along. When his lawyer contacted mine about something, my lawyer advised her that we were no longer playing games and everything had ceased. It didn't take him long to get up off his duff and finalize it. Bottom line...he thought if he continued to prolong the proceedings, I would give him everything to make him go away...it didn't happen. So, yes, there was some NPD going on w/him.

I often think about my marriage and have asked myself many times over why I would have put up w/his behavior for 25 years. I have the type of personality that I call a spade a spade and generally do not put up with a lot of nonsense. It took me many years to remove those rose colored glasses, but they are off now...but I truly did not remove them until after the divorce.

Gerda, do not blame yourself for what you did over the years. You were being a dutiful wife, a person who was trying to help her husband, a wife that loved her husband and didn't realize that he had flaws. Sometimes, we choose not to see what is in front of us, but when we look in the rear view mirror, we can see a lot better what was.

Please, please do not beat yourself up. You are not alone in this. There are many of us who did whatever it took to help our spouses be successful and happy in our relationships.

New Thread:

Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

Last edited by job; 05/19/20 09:07 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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