Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
Fortunately I am learning the best course of action is to sit on my thoughts and do nothing until the impulse passes

Now there are some wise words.

Most definitely passed a test. Well done!

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
scout12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
Sitting here in the dark looking at my new Christmas tree with its sparkling bright lights, I just realised it is the six month anniversary of BD.

On this day six months ago, I had the day off from work and went to get my hair cut and coloured. I was one week into anxiety medication and feeling great. We had had sex three times that week after only managing once a month since the birth of S1. I finally felt like things were on the up and up. H had been unusually reserved and polite after an argument about the iron earlier in the week, but I didn’t think too much of it. It was over an iron, after all, and it had been resolved.

H called during the day to say he was going shopping after work and would be home for dinner. I encouraged him to treat himself, we joked about something, exchanged love yous. At dinner time, he messaged to say he was going out with a friend and that he was sorry he couldn’t be there to help with the baby. I asked him if he was alright and he replied that he had a lot on his mind. Worried, I called to check that he was actually ok. He said yes then went silent, then said bye and hung up.

After that, I started to panic. I got the baby into bed and started thinking about the near full box of anxiety meds in the bathroom cupboard. My fear got ahold of me and sent me to a very dark place. I wanted to take the whole box and make the fear, panic, and pain stop. I had enough foresight to call my mother and I held my sleeping baby while I waited for her to arrive. We sat in the baby’s room in the dark and I shared my worst fears. I had a premonition of what was to come.

At close to midnight, H messaged that he was coming home. I assured my mother I would be alright and she left. When H got home, he didn’t want to talk, he was tired and wanted space. In tears, I said I was worried and wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I knew he was ok. He said no, he didn’t want to, over and over he repeated no, no, no. Eventually he started to cry. I hugged him and said it was ok to be sad, it’s ok to cry, tell me what’s wrong. He choked out that he didn’t want to disappoint the people who had helped us. I drew back and said slowly, do you mean if we split up? He nodded.

We sat down on the lounge. He stopped crying and started to turn cold. He said he wasn’t happy. His life wasn’t what it was supposed to be. He had settled for a mediocre job, and settled for... he looked at me. I asked me? He nodded. I have forgotten the next half hour or so of conversation, but it was basically alternating between asking him questions and reasoning with him.

Eventually it came down to he just didn’t love me anymore. He was resolute.

I ended up on my knees, holding his hand, begging, crying, pleading. All those yucky, degrading things you do when the rug has been pulled from under you. Tears slid from his eyes again but he just kept shaking his head. Eventually he shook me off and went to sleep in the spare room. I went to my bed and did not sleep at all. Around 4am I went into his bed and cuddled up to his back, but still couldn’t sleep.

At 5am he rolled over, saw me, and grumbled angrily that I was disturbing his sleep because he was starting a leadership course at work that day. He was angry at me for “doing this” the night before his course and that I had put my own selfish needs before his very important work. I burst into tears and apologised saying I had been so worried about him. I asked him to stay home so we could talk and he scoffed at the idea. At this point the baby was awake and crying, I was crying, and H was running out the door.

Annnnd scene. That was BD. The ripples of devastation had only just begun to spread.


chumplady.com
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning scout

(((Hugs)))

So much gets blown up, our life, the kids’ lives, our spouses’ life, work, home, family, friends, etc...

That moment is aptly named, as Bomb Drop.

Those ripples of devastation do spread out, engulfing a lot.

And underneath that wave of destruction is a undercurrent of hope and renewal. LBS, kids, family, friends, work, etc... all can become rebuilt, stronger, and so much better for having survived and healing from this.

The destruction, the bomb, is quick. The rebuilding is a slow process. The time is well invested, building bonds and self worth that are much stronger than the forces that toppled it all before.

I am happy you can, and are, reflecting upon that moment without cynicism and vengeance. I believe you are using your gift of time very well.

Enjoy the sparkling lights with your son.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Scout,

Your h had been bubbling in his cauldron for quite some time before the bomb drop. The argument may have been over an iron, but honestly, the iron was just an excuse to have the argument. Having sex three times that particular week was his way of trying to reconnect and yes to "feel" that love that had gone numb within him.

Please do not take anything he says or does personally. He's a lost soul trying to find his way and to feel "alive" again. Depression tends to numb their souls and hearts, especially towards the one person that they vowed to love till death due us part.

Continue to focus on you and your child. Enjoy that Christmas tree because Christmas is a magical time of the year and anything is possible. It is also the time of new beginnings and a new year is around the corner. Scout, you are doing great and it's good to reflect, but don't stay in the past wondering and thinking the "what ifs". This journey that your h is on is one that you weren't invited to participate in. Trust me when I say this....if he was single or had been married to someone else, his crisis would have still happened. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. He has to dig deep within his soul and accept the things that he couldn't change as a young child. He needs to understand that he's not at fault for being emotionally stunted at an early age.

Continue as you have been and dig deeper for patience. You've got a great support team here and most likely IRL. He doesn't. Some day, he will have to run to catch up w/your emotional and spiritual growth. At that time, it will be up to you as to whether you want to reconcile or move on completely w/your life w/o him in it as a spouse.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Hi

Clearly, extremely difficult

BD is a tremendous shock for all of us


You are making terrific progress Scout and in time you may see good things they come from bad-
Your growth and the health and growth of your son...

Your H may not be as lucky
only time will tell-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Hey Scout,

Thanks for sharing what you went through at BD. That you didn't succumb to your thoughts about the meds is a reflection of what a strong woman you are.

With all that you've said about what you've become, and what H has devolved into, it seems like you're leaving him in your tyre smoke, and I'll echo the vets in saying your progress is just fantastic.

Now, smash those carols with your son, and make sure you get him a cute xmas themed onesie (short sleeved of course as the heat now is melting!)

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
scout12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
Thank you all for your wise and caring thoughts. I’m very thankful for the day I found this forum. It means a lot that you all take the time to read and comment on my story.

H just picked up S1 for his family Christmas weekend. He was 15 minutes late with no phone call or message in advance and no acknowledgement or apology when he arrived. Jeez, that really steams me. But I did not say anything about it because my expectations of him are below zero. I asked S1 to say hi, handed over his bags and gifts for H’s family, told S1 I loved him and would see him tomorrow, and hoped they would have a great time. I did not speak to H directly.

I admit I’m feeling a little ruffled right now. He doesn’t know that I know about OW. Every time I see him, I want to call him a liar and a cheater. I don’t and I won’t and that’s why I’m NC. But even just the sight of him is repulsive to me now.

As it’s S1’s first overnight away from home, I though I would feel sad. I expected to feel like I was missing out on a fun family weekend. But I really don’t. I have no desire to be part of it, or to spend time with H. That’s my old life, and I’m starting a better one on my own. I have a big weekend of GAL planned - seeing my financial advisor today to ‘singlefy’ my life insurance and other policies, then out with a friend for dinner, my first sleep-in EVER since S1 was born, and then some home reno projects with my stepdad tomorrow. Once S1 is dropped off tomorrow, we’ll go to his daycare Christmas party. Hooray!

Since the OW revelation in October, I think I’ve been slowly standing down. At first, I examined my feelings and was surprised to realise the cheating wasn’t a dealbreaker, and my goal was still to reconcile. I was at peace with my decision to stand until the divorce was final after twelve months. But over the last two months, my feelings have utterly died, and I am at peace with that too. I have no interest in any kind of relationship with this person at this point in time. He is my son’s father; nothing more.


chumplady.com
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Scout, I've said it before, but it bears repeating, you are doing such a great job. You have such a wonderful life ahead of you. If ever you doubt your choices, think about if it is like this now, how is this guy going to handle midlife. You can respect the time you spent with him and his role in your child's life, but still go on to have your own.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Exactly. If he’s like this now, hows he going to be when you encounter major challenges in life? When your child develops an eating disorder, or a drug addiction, or special needs of some kind, or you become sick? Stuff happens and if he couldn’t make it through a pregnancy he’s unlikely to be useful to you in future challenges.

Good spouses who have a temporary mental derangement are worth fighting for. But spouses with personality disorders, serious long-term character defects, or abusive behavior are not worth waiting for unless they’re seriously motivated to change.

I think you’re just beginning to realize how badly H was gaslighting you and how much was missing from your marriage.

Enjoy your time “off” !

Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Hey scout

Hope s1 has a blast with dads family and you kick up your heels tonight!

Make sure you change your beneficiary on your super death benefit component and make sure that your will marries with that as well

Sounds like you’re step dads a good man! Now, are you going to boss him around or get stuck into it with him lol

Cheers ds


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard