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Counting down with you Pax. Almost there.

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Pax - better days are coming your way! You have been through it all girl.

The future is yours.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thank you all so much! I appreciate it.

So today, I’m just looking for feedback from non-partial bystanders...
I’m not certain yet, but I’m starting to prep my myself mentally for trial. My hope that we’re going to settle is slim to none. From what I’ve read, going to trial is not as terrifying as I imagined. What do you think?

Also... I’ve realized that I’ve done so much by the book that I really haven’t created wiggle room for negotiation. Any negotiations would be a loss for me based on what I should get (ie: half equity, half savings, etc). My lawyer was encouraging me to put the abortion stuff back in there and call out how he didn’t do his fiduciary responsibility as my husband by funding her abortion, giving her petty cash, etc so I could have a little leverage.

Hmmm. What thoughts do you have?

And I’ve consulted my lawyer... I’m looking for another perspective. Thanks in advance.

Last edited by Pax_luv; 12/06/19 11:15 PM.

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I don't think the trial will be that bad. Your lawyer should be able to walk you through. Family matters are different. When you are dealing with someone who is so narcissistic, I think it is inevitable. If you have never googled negotiating with a narcissist, then you should. They literally aren't capable. He needs the judge to tell him how it is going to be.

The lawyer in me says go with your lawyer. The woman in me says do the honorable thing, even if they didn't. It isn't a lot of money and could make look bad with the judge. My guess is that he will reveal what an a$$ he is by himself and you pointing this out only sullies you.

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Yeah but you should be reimbursed half of the money spent on her abortion etc. It gives you something you can give up so the narcissist can feel like he “won”.

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Than you thank you. I agree with both of you. It’s tough.
Here’s the other part-
I feel like I’ve finally gotten ex off my back a little bit. I’ve been 99.9999999% no contact except for dog issues and it’s rare to have to even discuss the dog.

If I put in the abortion, he will flip his lid. I don’t need to poke the bear. He can’t have anyone know that he’s not the innocent golden boy he portrays himself to be.

I don’t care about the minimal $ that would be reimbursed. In fact, I would pay NOT to awaken the beast. And I don’t need him thinking that I care about him at all.... he would definitely think I called him out, out of spite.

I am making up how the next steps will go... I hope I’m not right. But I see this ending with us going to trial, then him selling the house. He will move away because nothing is keeping him here and his MO is to cut and run... and he will try to take the dog with him.

I say that, because those are the chess moves that he will take to ensure he tries to (Appear to) win. I won’t say more than that but that would 100% be the next play in his playbook. I hope he proves me wrong.


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The dog is the only way he can hurt you. Of course he will use the dog. What would happen if you let him have the dog? Sounds like he treats the dog well. If you were willing to walk away from the only thing that he could hurt you with, it may not be as much fun for him. While I understand that would be sad, it really is the only way for you to end this without a spiteful battle. Alternatively you could offer him a certain amount of money for the dog. Of course he wouldn’t take it, but then you would have set a value for him to match. Perhaps the law has progressed and I’m sure you’ve discussed it with your lawyer, but they used to be property. You could put the money toward a rescue dog and save a life by taking back your own. I hope you don’t think me callous, but the mental anguish you would save yourself would be huge and if the dog is well cared for I would consider it.

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh yes.... he does use the dog as leverage.

Me giving the dog up just isn’t an option. Don’t get me wrong, I understand it’s an animal with a short life expectancy, But we do have a bond. I don’t have kids and he’s the creature that I get to nurture and care for. I’ve had him since he was a puppy... he got sick on me, he looks to me when he gets scared of loud noises.i have a responsibility to keep him safe and healthy and we sure do have a lot of fun. He’s my fur baby (and I get there’s some unhealthy attachment here, but yeah I’m a crazy dog mom).

But I understand the dog is the only thing keeping ex in my world. He won’t lift a finger for the dog, and yet there I am week after week schlepping the dog back and forth in traffic because the dog is worth it to me. I’ve been doing this since 2016 as that’s when mine and ex’s relationship blew up... when he realized I wasn’t going to sign EVERYTHING over to him. Ive endured it all. Even in that period where ex held the dog hostage for 7 months.

But anyway, I’ve thought about what would happen if I gave the dog up. I understand it’s an option, but it’s not the option for me and I know that my decision will keep me stuck for a bit. Actually last night, I had a really really big cry over it. For one, I’m not feeling well and two, I can’t even imagine having to willingly say goodbye to this dog. I can’t do it. Last night, the pup could tell I wasn’t myself and he didn’t leave my side. He snuggled next to me all night. He’s up against me right now. He knows when I’m not well.

In my state, dogs are treated like children and not property so I think I have that going For me. That law came into play this year. My lawyer shared it with me when it became active. He’s a big dog lover too and has been looking out for my pup as well.

It’s weird how things can shift in a few days. I was sooooo optimistic a few days ago and I think I got lost in the fantasy of this being done. I think I was imagining ex saying,”’oh thank you pax for not gouging me and being very fair with this settlement. Let me sign right here and we can go on our merry way!” Hahahahaha. Too many hallmark movies for me.

I hope I’m wrong, but like I mentioned in my previous post, The reality hit me that there’s a slim to none chance we’re going to settle. I can’t see ex all of a sudden being willing to settle for something that is 84 times higher than his very first and best offer to me waaaaaayyyy back when he tried to settle without financial disclosures.

Thank you own for your continued insight and feedback. I very much appreciate it.

Last edited by job; 12/07/19 06:36 PM. Reason: edited a word for Pax

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Pax,

Others may say not to even consider what I am about to share w/you, but it may help you decide how to negotiate a deal concerning your dog.

Here is what I ended up doing at the last minute w/my xh. Before my hearing back in 2002, we all sat in the same location, so I took a gamble and told my STBX that I wanted $10,000 from his IRA account and that the money could be applied against what I would end up using towards purchasing the home out from under him. I told him that I had enough evidence on him to rock his world and wouldn't hesitate to tell the judge the real reason for the divorce, i.e., adultery and I would not hesitate to name the affair partner. He didn't blink an eye....I got exactly what I wanted because he didn't want his "soul mate's" name and his dirty laundry to come to light.

My lawyer wasn't aware until the last minute that I was going to lay down all of my cards. He kept saying that he wouldn't go for it, but I thought, nothing ventured, nothing gained. It was a gamble, but he was so desperate, I think he would have given me more if I had requested it, but I didn't want to push too hard. Sometimes, when dealing w/STBXs, we have to go the extra mile to get to the other side of a divorce/custody issues.

You may have to pull that final ace out of your deck and advise him that you will expose the abortion and his dirty laundry if he's not willing to give you full custody of the dog. He's been jerking you around for many, many months about your fur baby. He is just being a pain in the @ss and is enjoying keeping the dog away from you. He wants you to beg and plead because it is control and manipulation on his part. He knows that you've been trying to keep the peace, but when divorce and custody issues are on the table, there are times when you need to listen to your head and not your heart. This is a business deal that has soured and if you want your dog, then you are going to have to pull that ace and play it to the fullest. Trust me, if this were the other way around, your h would be playing his entire hand against you and he wouldn't give a fig about it.

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh wow job! Im super glad that move was a success for you. Very interesting food for thought. Thank you for sharing that. I’m going to percolate on that a bit.


Oh and I have an edit on the post above. It wasn’t 84 percent, I meant 84 times. (Ie the true value at hand is 84 times what his highest settlement offer was)


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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