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Core #2874756 12/05/19 04:22 PM
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^^^What Steve said. And if and when you do confront her, there is no need for lengthy explanations. Short and simple. There is nothing that has more impact than a brief statement such as "I know what you are doing and it is unacceptable." Queue the gaslighting. "What? I'm not doing anything, you're paranoid. What is this "evidence" that you think you have? Maybe you're the one having an affair! I bet you're doing this to try and cover your own guilt!" Don't fall for it. "I don't need to explain, I know, and there's nothing more to say." Then walk out of the room.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Core #2874765 12/05/19 04:52 PM
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Steve and AS are wise. I strongly suggest you weigh their advise heavily.

Read this post. Burn it into your head:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2870386

This part of the process is all about self control. What you feel like doing and what you should do are not in alignment right now. Do not do what you feel like doing. Be like Steve. Fight that urge.


Go read quotes3 and understand how PuppyDogTails would handle this.


There are good and bad ways to handle this. Each of us has different opinions. After reviewing them all, you have a choice to make. You make that choice based on logic. You take the action for that choice and live with the consequences of that choice, good or bad. Waiting is choice. Acting is a choice.

Blend all the behaviors of coach,puppydogtails,robx,allena,gucci,steve85.

Your job is to protect your family from predators. Your job as a man is to lead your W through this most difficult time.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Core #2874965 12/06/19 03:35 PM
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My friends, yesterday was just gut wrenching.

I made a committment to myself that I need to be the best man I can be while also showing how good of a husband I can be, without making it appear as pursuing. I know its breaking many DB rules and its conflicting with so much of the advice you've given me in support. I have one shot and it has to be right. Without over sharing personal details, my wife had a hard life before me.
I didnt know everything but I learned way more in the past few months. She needed someone to lift her up and give her a great life. I tore her down with my anxiety, neglect, invalidating feelings and need to often be right. At this time I'm dying on the inside, hurting seeing her invalidate 11 years of history , 8-9 together and 5 in marriage but moreso seeing how much I've hurt her.
I broke another rule and asked her to talk.

Last edited by Cadet; 01/13/20 06:15 PM. Reason: changed as per poster

H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2874967 12/06/19 03:45 PM
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Actually it’s Alpha as fuch to apologize, forgive and let her go.

Core #2874973 12/06/19 04:38 PM
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Core, calm down and take a deep breath. It is rarely ever a good idea to make major decisions out of hurt or anger.

1) Nothing has changed. Your sitch is no different now than it was before you read the journal. So often LBSs spiral after reading something like this, or an R talk, or a counseling session. And they think it is the end of the world. It is not.

2) Lawyers are concerned about what his best for you legally. Counselors are concerned about what is best for you mentally and emotionally. However, you have to weigh that against other things. Here is your criteria: You should file for D once you have come to terms with and ready to be D'd. Not before. If you are not ready to be D'd then do not file for D. It will not be the end of the world if she were to file. I must warn you, WAS. and WSs in particular, are extremely lazy when it comes to filing for D, or doing the legwork necessary to move the D forward. Most of the time, after time when the LBS is ready to file be D'd, the LBS will have to file and/or do the legwork to move it forward. In other words, there again is no immediate need to run and file to be first.

3) Your W's complaints, what she wrote, the lack of emotion. Most of us LBSs have been there!! WASs are notorious for rewriting history. My W tried to say she was never happy in the entire 19 years we were married. That simply was not true! But it was how she felt at the time. They also will make you out to be the worst person ever. Look, no spouse is perfect. Some of us less perfect than others. But that doesn't mean that we are irredeemable monsters. This is affair fog talking! You were no worse of a husband BEFORE OM came along than you are now after. What has changed is her attitude toward you, because she has emotionally moved on to OM. Even her lack of emotion is because now she has OM and is trying to move on emotionally to him. What I mean by all this is that without an OM in the picture, while she may not have been happy, she was willing to put up and work on things. My W was the same way.

Core, one of the things that will always trip you up is not trusting the DB process. Buying flowers. Becoming super husband, starting R talks, snooping in her journal.....NONE of that will help you. GAL like a madman......continuing to be the best PERSON (not just husband) you can be (180s), and working to be detached are your best way forward. It may save your MR.....it may not. But it will set you up to be successful no matter what happens.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2874983 12/06/19 05:31 PM
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Core -

I wanted to comment on the NGS as I know well these feelings.

You got punched in the gut reading her journal. Your mind may be spinning. These situations can be incredibly confusing for anyone, let alone a NG.

Part of this process is sorting out your own feelings. The intensity of the situation can be very confusing and, especially if you are a NG, you can get lost in the fog of your W's feelings. You might not even understand your own feelings, because you are so stuck worrying about your W's feelings. Get back in touch with yourself.

It's not all your fault. It's not all her fault. It's going to take time and space to sort out your own feelings. I strongly encourage you to address the NGS. I would keep this process hidden from your W for now.

If you feel the urge to apologize and repent, please post here first for advice. Apologizing may be okay if done a certain way, but a NG tendency would be to apologize profusely, agree 100% with your W's story, and completely invalidate your own feelings and self-worth in the process. An apology is not going to fix your situation as it stands, I guarantee it.

Core #2874987 12/06/19 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
...she stole the MBR back with D4 while I was taking care of S1....
Then you sleep in the same bed as her.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Core #2874989 12/06/19 05:54 PM
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@unchien its crazy not knowing whose feelings I've been experiencing the last few years, mine or hers. Have you gotten through NGS? If so, how long till you saw improvement?


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Core
...she stole the MBR back with D4 while I was taking care of S1....
Then you sleep in the same bed as her.


This. Get ready and get into the bed. When she blows up you simply say "Sorry, but I like sleeping in here." She'll either eventually stop complaining, or go sleep somewhere else. You don't care which.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2874993 12/06/19 06:15 PM
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Core,

1. No peacocking your newfound changes. Be natural.
2. Attorneys always want you to file. That's how they get paid, and hammers only see nails.
3. Don't worry about her journal. A lot of W's (mine included) write down these things, and when you're in this type of sitch they aren't going to write about the picnic in the park with flowers and wine.
4. You're not dying, you're just going through a hard time. It's all mental. It's within your means to change how you feel. Attitudes, thoughts, actions, then emotions. You control how you feel. Hard times make hard men, hard men makes good times.
5. Most people who are WAS's (walk away spouses) are not going to feel in love. Your brain knows this already but your heart hates it. Just breathe.
6. Counselor says you need to "protect yourself" with a divorce eh? Ha, take your time and decide what you want.
7. Look for trial memberships, groupons, etc for gym/GAL. It's out there. I assume you meant $14K over budget and not under.

You need to start resistance training, even if it's calisthenics at home. You need to be eating well. How is this coming along? Are you sleeping a whole night?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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