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Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 4 #2874922
12/06/19 07:55 AM
12/06/19 07:55 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 328
HI
C
CanBird Offline OP
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CanBird  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 328
HI
Previous Thread:

Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3

Welcome to a new thread. Nothing new to report from H. Oh to be a fly on the wall!

Last post, I was pondering on what to say to friends regarding H. He told me before Thanksgiving he might be done work...can he come home... and in true MLC fashion, he hasn't come home and I have not gotten word from him in weeks.

Confronting friends, my mommy friends, actually went quiet well. Short answers and onto something else. "Yeah, he wasn't able to make it.." and the conversation moved on. I kind of stumbled a bit with one mom, but managed through it.

Finally was able to check books out of the library for myself! I love a real book. I couldn't find anything on mlc, so I settled for one titled, "Is he depressed or what?" What to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn. And the other one is simple meditation. A good balance I think.

Thank you all again for chiming in when I need great advice. I think as we get back into our routine and fill our schedule with activities, we'll be breathing easier.

Oh geez! D3 almost knocked her front teeth out today! Down a slight incline on her bike, with a helmet on, collided with the corner of a concrete picnic table. She's okay. Inner upper lip all cut up, soft foods until it heals. I knew she'd be okay, but we saw a dr anyway.

Tomorrow night we have our first Christmas activity with her daycare friends. Excited to see her reaction to Santas this year. We had so many different encounters last year..lol..

Last edited by job; 12/06/19 12:39 PM. Reason: Fixed link

~Never Give Up~

2019
BD1: March
April ( H away 7m at sea/work)
BD2: June
Nov H done wk.."Can I come home"?
Dec: ow
2020 Jan: H wants to proceed w D
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 4 [Re: CanBird] #2874936
12/06/19 01:27 PM
12/06/19 01:27 PM
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peacetoday Offline
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jim and sally conway also wrote some books on mlc


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 4 [Re: peacetoday] #2874986
12/06/19 05:44 PM
12/06/19 05:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,004
Southern Maryland
job Online

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job  Online

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,004
Southern Maryland
Here is a link to "Recommended Reading Material" that was start quite some time ago, however, we continue to add to the listing.

Recommended Reading Material

Letting My Guard Down; A Bit [Re: CanBird] #2875109
12/07/19 09:11 AM
12/07/19 09:11 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 328
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CanBird Offline OP
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Journal~ This morning a friend popped by my work & eventually asked about H..any word yet? My reply not yet. "That's odd?!? ", she said. My dumb reaction "Meh,,,, it's all good...not worried." Oh boy...I thought. I felt my anxiety building. And then, an inquiry from family.

Step-MIL text to see how we we're feeling, if we had gotten over our stomach virus... informed us it was making the rounds at their house now. And she also asked if I'd heard from H. They had not. His sister was asking. (H only full sister; of the several siblings). My reply re H, I had not. S-MIL okay, will let her know.

My heart & head were racing. I was fueled with emotion. I was short with the kids a few times. My anxiety over this situation was getting to me. I wanted to message H & politely say what I said last time; Hi. Family are asking about you. I'm unsure how to answer. Are you able to reply? If not is there something you would like me to say?

When I got home I was close to having a major release of ugly tears. I shed a couple, but have to save it for another time. (My eyes swell; it's truly ugly.. but it's a good release). I didn't text H.
D3 & I had a good nap instead.

Tonight I let my guard down a bit. The weight of my sitch hit me early today. D3 & I were at a holiday event at her daycare. The first to arrive. Her teacher is also a friend, inquired about Thanksgiving and H & our trip. My eyes watered up, "He didn't make it. He's....he's taking sometime for himself." My friend, D3s daycare lady, asked if I needed a hug & hugged me. It was so hard to hold back the flood of emotions but I did. More guests arrived, the night was all about the kids, sleigh ride with Santa. As we left, not sure how we got back talking about H, but I did say "I'm okay with it.". She said, "Do you know where he is?" Me: "He's in ---- or ---. Not sure. I don't really know. If this is what he needs, he should do this. He knows where we're are." Her reply, "You're a brave woman." Another mom, who's husband knows my H inquired. I stated he was taking sometime for himself. Love her response: "Everybody needs time to themselves..".

I felt a bit of pressure off me; my mind, my body, after taking with my teacher friend. She knows H & I struggled a bit last year, during renovations. I'd chirp off to her a little, once a week, about Hs strange behavior. Little did I know...mlc... any way.... I now feel like the door is open to speak with this friend if I need a shoulder. She cares for my kid, so it's good she knows the status of D3s dad.

That's all for now. Not sure what will keep me super happy-go-lucky happy. I'm SO faking it right now. Such a struggle. Smiling on the outside and empty inside. My heart is full with joy from D3, but I do struggle. Guess we all do.

One moment at a time.
Breathe Deeply.(inhale)
And Release.(exhale)








Last edited by CanBird; 12/07/19 09:20 AM.

~Never Give Up~

2019
BD1: March
April ( H away 7m at sea/work)
BD2: June
Nov H done wk.."Can I come home"?
Dec: ow
2020 Jan: H wants to proceed w D
Re: Letting My Guard Down; A Bit [Re: CanBird] #2875116
12/07/19 01:27 PM
12/07/19 01:27 PM
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Grace21 Offline
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CanBird - I was always open about my sitch, and the more open I was, the more support came flooding in. It is a tough step to take, because we have to face and accept that it is our new reality. But, once done, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It can be a bit freeing. Sounds like you chose the right person to be open with. I think this will benefit your D3 too. Her caretaker will be able to understand better and deal with any behavior changes should they arise.

One day at a time.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Letting My Guard Down; A Bit [Re: CanBird] #2875121
12/07/19 02:45 PM
12/07/19 02:45 PM
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Posts: 1,900
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Can

I will echo Grace’s view.

My XW blew up and flaunted it to the entire family, friends, and town. I never had to hide details of what went down; there were many dumbfounded people who saw it.

It is ok to be open about what you are going through. You need not throw H under the bus, speak briefly and with compassion. Besides you really don’t know too much about his whereabouts or struggle. Focus on you and your’s.

People, friends, and family are going to inquire. They care about you, and H - just as you do. And if you think you don’t know what to do and how to behave in this situation, imagine their point of view. It takes us a long time to figure things out, and we live with it. All these other caring people have to learn to let go of the H they knew as well, just like you are doing. They are looking for guidance, and will follow your lead; much more than you think or they even realize.

Some advice.

You don’t need to be super happy-go-lucky happy; in fact you shouldn’t be. It is ok to feel sad, and even empty at times. This is terrible, it really hurts. Make time to cry it out, that is part of caring for yourself.

Fake it, till you make it - is a very good practice to follow. It slowly, and I mean sloooooowly, changes your mind and perspective. And one day, you realize you aren’t faking so much, and further along you realize you aren’t faking it at all.

Our minds are always listening, so “acting” or “faking it” helps. This is utilized in the only realm or “cars” we have direct control Physical, our actions and reactions. Intellectual, what we say and to a lesser extent what we think. Thoughts being influenced by emotions can be overridden with that mental assertiveness - the sword.

Emotions and feelings are irrational, beyond direct control and only subject to influence. One controls their thoughts and actions regarding feelings, not the feelings themselves.

Beliefs, values, and convictions are those deep forces from within. Slow to alter, and subject to influences of thought and heart.

When people ask about H. Your truthful response is excellent - “I don’t know. H is taking some time for himself.”

“I’m ok with it.” You might want to alter a bit - “I’m learning to be ok with it.”

It’s ok to be authentic and still fake it. To be vulnerable and reach out, and still express strength.

You mind is listening, and slowly, and yet sooner than you can believe (and that my friend is a deep sentiment), you will have learnt and will be ok with it.

Have trust and faith, that empty feeling is temporary. You will be full again. And that current struggle transforms into a path of growth, which provides much fulfillment and true joy.

Focus and you and especially D3. Hearing about Santa, a sleigh ride, and her daycare party was wonderful.

You are doing very well dear Can.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Today: Saving my Marriage Alone pt 4 [Re: CanBird] #2875218
12/08/19 06:07 PM
12/08/19 06:07 PM
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Posts: 328
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CanBird Offline OP
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Jouraling~ After our busy morning shift, D3 & I went to our local library. Santa & Mrs. Claus were there for Storytime and a FREE photo (with your own camera). They were an amazing looking couple. Very authentic and did this voluntarily! And kids got a little gift too. We saw a few friends, got books, had an impromptu smoothie date with a mommy friend I work with.

While with my mommy friend, the kids did their thing & we chatted. Not one mention of H, which was a relief. I think another acquaintance has filled her in on some details, and that's okay. After that a few hours at the park with new and old friends of D3.

When we got home, our dear neighbor & friend was passing by, and asked about H. I paused & said, "Well....he's taking sometime for himself." With concern neighbor said, "Oh... he's gone for a while then?".....(something like that). I don't know what I said after that, but I think our other neighbor heard too. Oh well. All our neighbors are pretty close, we look out for each other. Most know H works away a lot. It's a big deal when he is home, as he's well liked by everyone, they miss him too. Now they will all know slowly, one by one, that H is "taking time for himself." I should just slip a note in their Christmas cards..lol.. or a BIG sign on the lawn? KIDDING!

I am adjusting to his absence, but like a dog waiting for its master, I still wake every morning wondering if today I'll hear something.

Still Breathing. No big cry. I was going to last night but was too tired..lol..or maybe I didn't need to?


~Never Give Up~

2019
BD1: March
April ( H away 7m at sea/work)
BD2: June
Nov H done wk.."Can I come home"?
Dec: ow
2020 Jan: H wants to proceed w D
I Still Have the Urge to Reach Out [Re: CanBird] #2875220
12/08/19 06:15 PM
12/08/19 06:15 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 328
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CanBird Offline OP
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Again, the daily battle to reach out plagues me. I am concerned if H is okay; not a harm to himself. And another part of me thinks he's just off unplugged from life. Well, we all know he's doing the latter for sure.

He knows he knows...I need to leave him be.
He knows he knows...just let him be.
He knows he knows.. things I don't understand.
This is the life of an MLC man.


~Never Give Up~

2019
BD1: March
April ( H away 7m at sea/work)
BD2: June
Nov H done wk.."Can I come home"?
Dec: ow
2020 Jan: H wants to proceed w D
Re: I Still Have the Urge to Reach Out [Re: CanBird] #2875221
12/08/19 06:27 PM
12/08/19 06:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,900
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DnJ Offline
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Hang in there Can.

Dig for patience.

(((Can)))

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: I Still Have the Urge to Reach Out [Re: CanBird] #2875229
12/08/19 07:46 PM
12/08/19 07:46 PM
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Posts: 556
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Westo Offline
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Posts: 556
Wales
I can understand you wanting to reach out again. I was exactly the same.

I remember thinking if I did and he didn’t answer, I’d be more hurt and annoyed than I was before. It’s important that you think of your well being in all this.

We have a saying here, ‘he’s big enough and ugly enough to look after himself’.

If he doesn’t respond and you are at peace with that, then ok. You could just text asking if the is well. But be prepared for no response.

He’s being very unfair, especially as you have a small child. But then people who are depressed or in MLC are.

Is D3 asking for him at all?

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