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Cant I just tell her to snap out of it and appreciate the life she has? I cant hardly take it any more.

My name is Scott and Ive been divorce busting of some sort for three years coming off my wifes emotional affair. We have two young kids 11 and 9. Weve been in counseling for 3 years now, since the affair. Were on our second counselor. From an outsiders view it would look like a fairy tale. As an insider the truth is things seem wonderful nearly all of the time but my wife just doesnt seem to want to appreciate the truth of what she has.

Over the years as she has brought up complaints and issues Ive worked to change and she would agree that i have but then its on to the next major issue in our relationship.

A consistent one is that i dont get her or that we dont have an emotional connection. Now this seems to be the target, that I need to feel more and share my feelings to improve communication.

We stopped being physically intimidate 4 months ago, the last time she threatened separation and divorce. She says she doesnt want to work on the marriage but she hasnt left and she still goes to counseling (where she told the counselor she didnt want to work on the marriage).

I just want to shake her and tell her to get it together. Work on the marriage and embrace the beautiful family and life she has!

Help. Any thoughts?

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I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread for you.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D33,S32


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Scott,

If you have been divorce busting for several years, you already know the answer...leave her alone as much as possible, give her enough space and time to figure things out and no, you can't tell her to snap out of it. Evidently she has some issues that she needs to work on. It appears that the counseling she's getting may not be helping her if she still is still saying she doesn't want to work on the marriage.

So, my question is this...why is she still staying in the marriage and I am assuming she is still living under the same roof w/you? The changes you made, have they become a part of your daily life or did you just make those changes to please her? If the latter is the case, then make changes that you know you need to make and make them a part of your life on a permanent basis.

If would go about my life and keep the focus on you and your family. I would leave her be and if you opt to invite her to do things, then let her make the decision as to whether or not to participate. Keep your expectations at zero at all times, dig deeper for patient and again...keep that focus on you and your family.

Try not to engage in arguments as this gives her a justification for why she feels the way she does. Walk away when she begins to bait you. Get out of the house and do things and don't tell her what you are doing all of the time.

It's a long and bumpy road, but try to remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. You can't control how she feels and right now, she's miserable and again, she has to figure things out.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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What are your ages and how long have you been married?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by ScottB
....Ive been divorce busting of some sort for three years....
Have you been lurking here reading all the threads? Or just showed up here now?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by ScottB
A consistent one is that i dont get her or that we dont have an emotional connection.
Most guys suck at this. It is a learned behavior. AnotherStander gives great advise on this.

My take:

1) Listen to understand how she is feeling
2) Validate her feelings
3) make it all about her and how she is feeling.
4) How does she FEEL when she is interacting with you. Change the way you interact and it will change the way she FEELS. You want her to have "good" feelings.


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Now this seems to be the target, that I need to feel more and share my feelings to improve communication.
Maybe. "I am frustrated" is how how share my feelings. I may express them differently.


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We stopped being physically intimidate 4 months ago,
Focus on being attractive. This is more about your behavior and less about your looks. Learn how to be seductive. It is different than attraction. Know the difference.

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the last time she threatened separation and divorce.
you are in triage now. We have been there.

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She says she doesnt want to work on the marriage but she hasnt left and she still goes to counseling (where she told the counselor she didnt want to work on the marriage).
This may sound counter-intuitive, but stop going. Do not tell her. If she asks, tell her "You said you didn't want to work on the marriage, so I believe it is best that I don't go to MC"


Quote
I just want to shake her and tell her to get it together. Work on the marriage and embrace the beautiful family and life she has!
Focus on things you can control. You can't control other people. You can control your words, behaviors, actions, thoughts. The more you try to control, the more she will resist.




"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Quote
I just want to shake her and tell her to get it together. Work on the marriage and embrace the beautiful family and life she has!
Focus on things you can control. You can't control other people. You can control your words, behaviors, actions, thoughts. The more you try to control, the more she will resist.


[/quote]

This is huge Scott, I know that urge very well. And its crappy because you know your right. But R2C is right. What can YOU change? If you try to persuade her you will push her further away


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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ScottB Offline OP
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Married 14 years; Im 42, shes 40.

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ScottB Offline OP
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I just learned about this forum recently. I read some threads. Today was a hard day and I needed some place to talk.

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Hey Scott,

From someone who has had that conversation, please whatever you do, dont tell her to snap out of it. Early on in my sitch, I never begged, cried or anything like that but I initiated several R talks. At one point I was frustrated and told my W to do just that - "snap out of this, this isnt you! Stop this behavior"

The cold, dead stare I got back from her as I said that I will never forget. From that moment on, things really went downhill. She started going out more, hiding things from me and pretending to be single. Anything she could do to get away from me basically.

Now Im no expert and I dont know what my future holds, but the sooner you detach and do what the veterans here recommend, the better things will work out for you.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
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