I'm so sorry it didn't work out with Jack and that you aren't feeling well. I have no wise words, beyond do what you can to take care of yourself. Soup, fluids, sappy movies if necessary, whatever it takes. You will get through this. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi DV, I just caught up with your sitch. When I thought you stopped posting I stopped checking in for a bit.
I am sorry to hear about Jack, but also glad you found the answer to your frequent question. It was a good relationship. It was a valued, important, and loving relationship. And now is the time to gently step away from it with affection for one another.
I'm sure you'll grieve this ending, but I hope you also celebrate it. It was a different dynamic than you've had before, and it sounds like it was enjoyable for quite a long while. That is a successful relationship.
I'm glad you're here a bit and haven't completely left. Wishing you a happy 2020.
Agree with the above. My post divorce relationships haven’t all taken the shape I expected, but they were all valuable and dropping my expectations of them allowed me to appreciate them for what they were. This relationship helped you regain your mojo and heal from your divorce. And you’ll be all the better for it in future relationships.
Day 6 of this stupid cold. Had to take another sick day and may end up taking another one tomorrow. It will be a game time decision. Getting pretty tired of lazing around but don’t have the energy to do much else. Watched A LOT of hockey so that was the one bonus.
Jack finally left on Sunday. It was a bit emotional. I’m not sure it had really dawned on him what breaking up might mean as he said, “wait...does this mean I can’t come see you on weekends anymore?” Uh...kinda. The good news is that I think it has freed him up to look at jobs on the mainland as he mentioned he might make a trip over there this week sometime even though he doesn’t want to go there and his family doesn’t want him to go there. For someone who claims not to be very close to his family, he sure does consider their opinions in his decision making. Anyway....he told me he loved me and hugged me goodbye. We joked (kinda) about maybe being FWB. I’ve never thought of myself as being someone who could “handle” a FWB situation but with him, I can almost picture it...lol. IDK. We are friends at the very least and want the best for each other. We are both pretty clear on that point.
Traded a few messages with Brook yesterday during the World Juniors Hockey game. Yay Canada!!! He was at work but apparently lots of patients and staff were watching it so it was a bit of a party on the ward that he was working on. Sounded like a great time.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with Jack. I look at you now and think how very different you are in your attitude to this breakup compared to what you were like this time last year when the reality of your breakup with H was hitting you. I know it is not the same. You did not have a planned future together. There were no hopes and dreams. No expectations. Just the here and now. I guess that's the difference - the expectation of a future together. Jack didn't blow up your life. Throughout your (albeit) brief relationship, you maintained a sense of yourself as a person. I think that would definitely be my takeaway - never lose ourselves in an R because its bl**dy painful finding the road back if it goes t*ts up.
Your life is your life. Full with or without someone. Hard lesson to learn. But worth it, I think.
I'm glad you're posting again. If exH/OW continues to read that is on them. And well, at this point, it's just really sad.
Oh, and I like flirty DV. Have fun out there and be careful.
Thanks FS. TBH...deep down I think I always knew that Jack and I didn’t have a long term future so I’ve been preparing for a break up this whole time. I suspect that he has been too which is why I think it will actually be quite easy for us to maintain a friendship. Neither of us feels hurt by the other. Like you so accurately noted...I didn’t lose myself in this relationship and neither did he. I have a history of going “all in” and losing myself which is a big set up for heartbreak so I’m glad I didn’t do that this time. This is the new DV I guess.
Thankfully, though, I don’t think the new DV has lost her ability to trust other people which I am glad about. Speaking of that... I watched a documentary the other day on Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver and the story of the demise of their marriage due to his long term affair with their housekeeper. One of the questions that kept coming up was how it was that she didn’t know what was happening “right under her nose”. How could someone so intelligent not see what was right in front of her face? I wondered that about myself numerous times and spent some time feeling pretty stupid when XH’s double life came to light. Anyway...they interviewed a divorce attorney who looked as if he was nearing the end of his career and he said, in his experience, there are two kinds of people in a marriage. The first is someone who always trusts their spouse and the second is someone who never trusts their spouse. Maria Shriver is one of the first people. She didn’t see what was happening because she wasn’t looking for it...she trusted him completely. I realized that I am one of those people too. It helps to know that.
Me too Bttrfly. But I also know that if XH ever tried to answer any of them, I couldn’t really trust the answers anyway. So, as is so often said on here, it is a cheeseless tunnel I don’t need to go down. I’m just going to keep moving forward secure in the knowledge that I don’t need to know the answers to those questions to know that I am better off.
yep.. I'm also in that category. now with 2020 hindsight, there are some questions I have, that would truthfully be better off left unanswered.
Me too, bttrfly!
While in my marriage, I believed most of what my ex told me, so beside the initial sleeping with ex girlfriend the night before we married, which I thought we worked through, I didn't see suspicious things and assume the worst. Now though I look back and there are quite a few incidents that I suspect I missed what was really happening.
The surfing buddy who "broke up" with my ex because he felt my ex had made a pass at his wife. I assumed it was a misunderstanding (my ex was very extroverted and friendly) but now of course I suspect it was true.
The time my ex told me a story about a hooker coming to his hotel room by mistake on a business trip? I think he was subconsciously trying to tell me he actually slept with a hooker.
The pregnant woman coworker he took to Lilith Fair because I was working - I assumed she was safe because she was pregnant and married - now, who knows???
That night he went to play music at the home of an Asian woman musician and the other guy who was supposed to be there didn't show up, and ex was kinda "off" afterward - did he make a pass at her? (her being Asian is only significant because ex had a "thing" for Asian women and his new wife is Asian.)
If you are a normal, trusting spouse married to someone who MOST of the time seems like a loving responsible partner, you're just not searching for red flags and minor inconsistencies. And someone who has a sociopathic streak can be REALLY GOOD at gaslighting you.
I guess that's why I'm always talking about red flags now, because I know that I personally am not good at noticing them and have to work more to see them early on.
I wonder why I didn't make more of a stink about certain things, but I do remember being very, very upset when he changed his facebook relationship status from married to none. this was maybe two years before BD. He had no explanation either.
Overall, I'd rather be trusting than constantly suspicious. I couldn't live with someone who was constantly suspicious, and frankly, wouldn't be comfortable. better to be alone, than not trusting anyone.
I remember wondering at the beginning of this mess how I could ever trust anyone again. Then after a while I realized that not everyone is like exh, some are worse and some are better. But the most important person to trust is myself and my instincts about people. Those are usually spot on. Gives me hope for the future.
I really am sorry about Jack DV, but I sense that you will both remain friends.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
