That makes two of us; I don't really get my advice either. All I know is, if anything goes wrong, it's Jack's fault. (And, if the XH's OW is reading this, you should know that I'm giving her the finger.)
I’ll give Little Miss Snoopy Snoop the finger too. Can’t wait for her Karma.
There’s a difference between entertaining the possibility of someone else when you are married and dating though.
With dating, your getting to know someone and trying to figure out if there is a future. With marriage, both of you already agreed to committing to a future - through both the good times and hard times. Plus kids are involved in the mix.
Now when your dating someone that you are head over heels with and wanting to grow old with - are you gonna consider someone else? So something to evaluate. If your settling for someone you don’t really consider a future with, it does keep you from meeting the right person. In my last relationship, there were so many things I didn’t like about him. We weren’t compatible and I don’t know why I settled and stayed for as long as I did. I really don’t.
I do think you have to be fair and honest to everyone around though. Like if you meet up, you should be able to be honest with both guys. “Hey I’m meeting up with an old friend I caught up with on Facebook” you should be able to say that. If not, there’s more to it and then you have to assess “why is there more to it? Am I really happy?” But don’t be afraid to negotiate for what’s best for you in life either.
In my world, any type of lying is lying, any secret, no matter how small, will eat away at you. If it was totally innocent, then the high school friend wouldn’t be occupying so much space in your head.
Speak to Jack about it. Tell him he is an old school friend who you would like to catch up with. Honesty (as AS said) is always the best policy. If it were me, I’d even invite Jack along.
Happy NY my online friend. Hope all is well in your world.
I do enjoy speaking with you, and I have suggestions I’d like to pass along; not mention the ideas and suggestions from you as well. And it is really unfortunate that Snoopy McSnooperson is reading along. So let’s talk about that first.
H and OW read your diary. Well even more than your diary. Damage done. And you survived!
This was your place. I get it. Your refuge from the storm.
What can you do? No particular order just throwing things about, and seeing what sticks.
1) Ask to have all your posts locked away. Of course there is no need now, as they all been read.
2) Continue to post and live a great life, ignoring the snoopers. A great life is really the best revenge if you want or need to assuage that vengeance we all have. A great life is really the best - period.
3) Create a new ID and continue from there. Realizing dropping clues to let other know who you are could be picked up by H.
Personally, I think unless you are willing and wanting to just walk away, option 2 is the best.
H is going to be in your life. You’ve already had to figure out ways to deal with his other behaviours. This is just another “thing” to figure out. Let him read. You are moving on to greener pastures, who cares what he thinks.
He may attempt to stir up trouble. Yeah, like that hasn’t happened before. You handle that too.
Now that’s just me, from the sidelines, empathically seeing what I would most likely do. Live in the light - bright and shinning. What can he do then?
I think you hit the nail directly on the head of why I shouldn’t and won’t tell my XW about this place. Your pretty wise yourself.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
It has brought to light some questions I have been avoiding answering within myself, I think. So I’m struggling with those...
I have some feedback. And I know you are looking for some.
Is this the forum and place you still wish to discuss it?
I have no problem speaking with H or OW potentially listening in. I am however here for you, not them.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I really like your take on things DnJ. I, too, wondered about the utility of starting a new thread under a different name for the same reason. Any hint I would give you about who I am could easily be read by XH and OW so in many ways it would be a pointless endeavour. So I think I will post when I feel I need to regardless. In terms of XH doing something to make life difficult for me...he’s already done that. I don’t think there is anything more he could do or would do. He knows what an a$$ he has been to me and he knows I am a good person and that he deserves every bad thought I have had about him so he’s not looking to get “back” at me. Hopefully he and OW have stopped reading and are focusing on their own lives. At the end of the day, XH and I are still committed co-parents and none of this has changed that. We love our kids.
Jack and I had a big talk on Monday. Something we had both been avoiding, I think. I told him that I think he is probably going to need to accept a job far away from here and that I don’t want him to be turning down opportunities because of me. We also talked about the reality of our situation in that we are at very different stages in our lives. I’ll be retiring in ten or so years and wanting to travel with hopefully my “last love”. He has about 25 years of work left and could, if he wanted, still have a family if he met the right person. He’s not sure a wife and kids is the path he wants to take but he’s not sure it isn’t either. We also talked about the fact that I haven’t met anyone in his family even though it has been nine months and he confirmed what I had suspected. He’s been avoiding that too because he thinks that while they will like me, they will probably not like me FOR HIM because of our age difference and he doesn’t want them weighing in on his life in that way and they have not been on the best of terms lately anyway.
So we have pretty much broken up only he has been staying with me since Saturday and hasn’t left yet. I think both of us are reluctant for him to leave. Breaking up with someone because you have gotten to a place where you don’t want to be with them anymore is one thing. Breaking up with someone because you don’t think your relationship has a future but you still love that person is another. I think he meant it when he told me I am his best friend and in many ways, he has been mine so giving that up is hard. We are really hoping to stay friends in some capacity but it obviously won’t be the same. He’ll probably text me more though...lol.
I had a chat with D12 on Tuesday after we had driven some friends home who had been at my NYE party (it was fun btw...way too much food though). I told her that she likely wouldn’t be seeing too much of Jack after he goes home this time and why. She said she understood and that she likes him but she gets why we wouldn’t necessarily be a fit long term. I told her that I was feeling kinda bad for introducing him to her and her brother so early on but she said she prefers it that way. She’s not worried about getting too attached to anyone because she has a dad. But she said she doesn’t like the idea of me dating anyone she hasn’t met. She said if I was going out with someone, she would want to know who that person is. D12 really is an old soul sometimes.
Junior High bf (I’ll call him Brook...not his name...lol) messaged me on NYE to say happy new year and I responded in kind but haven’t messaged him since. Like I said in my earlier post... I am curious about who the person he has become and will probably want to meet him for coffee at some point but I’m not counting on it. I was just more concerned about what my (potential) interest in him says about my R with Jack.
2020 hasn’t been a good year for me so far. At home sick with a wicked cold that suddenly came on yesterday. Already on my third box of Kleenex and have had to take two sick days. Hopefully I’ll be through the worst of it by Monday so I can go back to work and play in my pool league.
I am so sorry about jack. I have been there. It’s difficult for things to end not because it wasn’t working, but for fundamental reasons as you did. It’s going to sting. But keeping ties might make things difficult for a while. And odds are you won’t totally break it off you keep ties. Staying friends with a lover you still love is really difficult . But what you do is your decision. I do think you have a lot to look forward to in the future and finding that forever partner who is in a similar place you can retire with will be pretty awesome
My D12 prefers to meet my dates too. I decide when that’s appropriate. And it isnt always appropriate. I’m cool now with if I had went on like 5-10 dates with a guy, and he came in the house to pick me up, sure she can meet him. She knows I date. And she’s an excellent judge of character But I still would not do an extended hang out time with a guy with my daughter around until I think we are going somewhere. That’s just me though. It is a loss having that person around for them, even though they have a dad. It’s a new presence. And when that presence is gone, it’s felt by them.
I’m sorry you are feeling It’s respiratory season and everyone around me I’ll. Try to take good care of yourself. Love yourself a little extra.
It's a weird feeling when a relationship ends because it should and not because one side pulls the plug.
I hope you are feeling better soon.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I dated someone younger when I was separated from my ex. I think I was just looking for a distraction and never really attached emotionally. That generation of men wasn’t ideal for me and I am so much happier being with someone that’s in a similar life stage. The right guy is gonna want to show you off to friends and family and is gonna put in tons of effort to show you how much he appreciates you. Don’t settle for less. I did and I look back and really regret that I wasn’t demanding more for myself. You have so much going for you. And that was a tough thing you did but took a lot of strength. Rooting for you!
The age difference was always a factor in Jack’s and your relationship. You were not the only one to feel a little uncomfortable, Jack did too, not with you but how his family would respond.
Your joint discussion and choice to break up was a mature and honourable way. And I understand your feelings towards Jack’s possible future employment opportunities and him having to turn them down.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I told her that she likely wouldn’t be seeing too much of Jack after he goes home this time and why. She said she understood and that she likes him but she gets why we wouldn’t necessarily be a fit long term. I told her that I was feeling kinda bad for introducing him to her and her brother so early on but she said she prefers it that way. She’s not worried about getting too attached to anyone because she has a dad. But she said she doesn’t like the idea of me dating anyone she hasn’t met. She said if I was going out with someone, she would want to know who that person is. D12 really is an old soul sometimes.
This is gold. Ensure you listen to what she asked.
Who you date isn’t “really” D12’s business, and yet kind of is at the same time. It’s more that she knows you are dating than who. Of course meeting that person after a certain amount of time is appropriate. She cares about, and shows concern for, you.
Do as requested. Daughter is learning how to date. You are her role model, and she is watching. You are setting a fine example of how to be open and honest when dating and a good and proper way of breaking up. She needs to know this; just keep being you.
I know you feel bad for introducing D12 to Jack and now things are changed. However, she’s actually asked you to not change. That is a pretty big validation from her. It is also a foretelling of how she will probably behave. Introducing you to her boyfriends, looking for your approval, and such.
Our children see their MLC/WAS parent go off the rails, and they hopefully get to see the other end of the spectrum as well. That’s on us LBSs to do. And you are doing really well.
I am glad you like my take on things. You deciding to continue on this forum is something I am happy about. Your courage and the realization that H really can’t do too much to you anymore is good to see. Hopefully he just goes about his life, and keeps coparenting well.
I would give yourself some time before meeting up with Brook. His chance entrance into your life was a catalyst of you looking at your R with Jack; it was not the reason. Best to keep those separate. You were concerned and questioned what ”Brook” meant regarding the R. You found some answers; find the rest. Then ease back into the pool.
Besides there is an inquisitive old soul watching and learning.
This was just one of life’s curveballs, and you have much to be proud of.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
